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Not sure

I unintentionally might have made a girl from work who i fancy feel uncomfortable. Ive never spoken to her as im too shy to approach just yet. Recently shes giving me the cold shoulder by not smiling at me. Should i apologise or act like nothing happened considering ive not broken the ice with her yet?

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Reply 1
Apologize.
If you don't she may think you don't get you've done something wrong. If you do and she doesn't think it is something she should be hurt it won't so any damage.
Reply 2
Original post by Kathy89
Apologize.
If you don't she may think you don't get you've done something wrong. If you do and she doesn't think it is something she should be hurt it won't so any damage.

Yes but ive never spoken to her yet. I think i may have been giving her too much attention oogling at her. Ive never spoken to her so i dont know whatvto do.
What do you think you did to make her feel uncomfortable? If you haven't even spoken to her or done anything and know you haven't done anything wrong there is no need to apologise, but if you think you have done something wrong then apologise for it. If she has recently not smiled at you she might just have something else on her mind. When I saw my own crush recently I actually saw him but didn't smile at him because of this reason.
My advice would be to try talking to her by having a conversation and breaking the ice and you'll soon get the feeling on whether she is actually giving you the cold shoulder. You may be shy but if you don't approach her things won't move forwards with her.
Reply 4
Original post by Anonymous #1
Yes but ive never spoken to her yet. I think i may have been giving her too much attention oogling at her. Ive never spoken to her so i dont know whatvto do.

Apologize. It is a good way starting an interaction
Reply 5
Original post by Kathy89
Apologize. It is a good way starting an interaction

Im apologising to a stranger who works in the ssme building as me not someone from my immediate team so hows that going to go? I dont even know if she is upset with me.
Reply 6
Hi (mane).
The other day I made you uncomfortable by doing X. I'm sorry for that, I didn't mean it. Hope we can remain on good terms.
Reply 7
Original post by Kathy89
Hi (mane).
The other day I made you uncomfortable by doing X. I'm sorry for that, I didn't mean it. Hope we can remain on good terms.

I dont even know if she is upset. Best jist breaking the ice with her normally
Reply 8
Who knows what goes on in a girls head. It could have been for other reasons. Best to just speak to her i think
Reply 9
Unless there’s something really clear to apologise for, best to just stop the behaviour that you think may have upset her and back off. Apologising when there’s nothing tangible might seem strange and not really help
Reply 10
Original post by Zarek
Unless there’s something really clear to apologise for, best to just stop the behaviour that you think may have upset her and back off. Apologising when there’s nothing tangible might seem strange and not really help

Yh that mskes sense but I still want to approach her sooner rather than later like a normal person. What do you mean by back off?
Reply 11
Original post by Anonymous #1
Yh that mskes sense but I still want to approach her sooner rather than later like a normal person. What do you mean by back off?

If you have been ogling as you say, and you feel that she has picked up that you fancy her and is trying to discourage it, then the best thing is to avoid unnecessary contact. This does not prevent normal work courtesy and interaction when your paths cross. Things should settle down with this approach
Reply 12
Original post by Zarek
If you have been ogling as you say, and you feel that she has picked up that you fancy her and is trying to discourage it, then the best thing is to avoid unnecessary contact. This does not prevent normal work courtesy and interaction when your paths cross. Things should settle down with this approach

If i avoid her or dont interactvwith her now then she will think im not intetested anymore and then there will be nothing there. If i can just break the ice with her whilst weve got each others attention then it should be fine.

Girls get uncomfortable when guys stare at them for too long rather than talk to them.
Original post by Anonymous #1
Yes but ive never spoken to her yet. I think i may have been giving her too much attention oogling at her. Ive never spoken to her so i dont know whatvto do.

I've done that before, she was just so pretty and used to wear figure hugging gear around the office, a young girl in her early twenties at the time. I just couldn't help myself, difficult for me not to do really as then I would feel not so great as I did when I saw her.

Anyhow, I would definitely avoid apologising. There would be little getting out of that once you do. How do you know she isn't going to go running to her boss/HR and complain and you get the sack. Then you are going to feel really sh*tty. Unless the job sucks if course and you can easily pick up another one for sure. Remember some girls love to roast a guy these days, they get off one it, think of the 'Metoo' movement. How do you know she isn't covertly a stark raving Feminist happy to stick the knife into a man?

I would talk to her about something mundane first just to break the ice. From that you can judge her personality a bit. If you get to know her well enough you can apologise down the line if you think it needs it, when you know she's not the type to ditch you in it.

Other possibility of course is that she may now have a bf where she didn't before. Hence she will see it as inappropriate to entertain and even a bit awkward as a result. Again that means your worth to her while she is in a relationship is very much reduced, practically zero so beware as again if you apologize it may be taken as an admission of guilt and easy for her to go running to complain just as it's now more convenient for you not to be around never mind the unemployment distress it may cause you.
Reply 14
Original post by Anonymous #3
I've done that before, she was just so pretty and used to wear figure hugging gear around the office, a young girl in her early twenties at the time. I just couldn't help myself, difficult for me not to do really as then I would feel not so great as I did when I saw her.

Anyhow, I would definitely avoid apologising. There would be little getting out of that once you do. How do you know she isn't going to go running to her boss/HR and complain and you get the sack. Then you are going to feel really sh*tty. Unless the job sucks if course and you can easily pick up another one for sure. Remember some girls love to roast a guy these days, they get off one it, think of the 'Metoo' movement. How do you know she isn't covertly a stark raving Feminist happy to stick the knife into a man?

I would talk to her about something mundane first just to break the ice. From that you can judge her personality a bit. If you get to know her well enough you can apologise down the line if you think it needs it, when you know she's not the type to ditch you in it.

Other possibility of course is that she may now have a bf where she didn't before. Hence she will see it as inappropriate to entertain and even a bit awkward as a result. Again that means your worth to her while she is in a relationship is very much reduced, practically zero so beware as again if you apologize it may be taken as an admission of guilt and easy for her to go running to complain just as it's now more convenient for you not to be around never mind the unemployment distress it may cause you.

I cant just do nothing. I fancy her a lot hence why ive struggled to initiate convo as everytime i see her i freeze and become nervous. I need to talk to her sooner rather than later. She wont complain if i talk to her and break the ice. Shes more likely to complain if i dont and continue to stare at her.
Original post by Anonymous #1
I cant just do nothing. I fancy her a lot hence why ive struggled to initiate convo as everytime i see her i freeze and become nervous. I need to talk to her sooner rather than later. She wont complain if i talk to her and break the ice. Shes more likely to complain if i dont and continue to stare at her.

I felt exactly the same way with the girl I mentioned lol.

Well consider this, if you are oggling her then odds are she is pretty, pretty enough. Pretty girls have lots of options as to men. So she might have a bf or just date lots of different guys, move between guys who knows.

I don't think apologizing is a good idea and even if you wanted to you would probably bottle it for the sand reason as starting any conversation.

This is a difficult one of how to get to know a girl that puts you on tenterhooks ever time you see her. In theory you are putting her on a pedestal and that makes things harder though possibly difficult for you not to do so.

If there is a work colleague you get on well with that would be willing to strike up conversation with her that might work. He or she could then act as a wingman and get you in there, i.e talk about you, smooth the waters, find some way of subtly introducing you through work stuff, at lunchtime, etc.

Other than that it gets difficult to impossible, I've been there. Possibly if you have to send stuff out to other departments, off elsewhere then if there is something unimportant that might accidentally get sent her way that she might have to return.

Other ideas along those lines of something that seemingly happens by chance even if a bit awkward, your car is accidentally in the way in the car park or something similar.

I know how bad you want this and the oggling has increased your desire but you have to understand that she may no longer rate you highly enough for her. You have probably come across as not having enough confidence and that is a big negative with most women. Pretty girls have access to many, many men and if she's come to access you as not being socially confident enough then she will likely admire a guy she knows is more than you.

That leaves you kind of in a fixed state of lusting after her until she or you move on. I don't think there is much she can complain about you oggling her so long as you try and avoid doing it too much, especially when other employees are around. It woul be awkward to go to her Employer with a complaint like that, and awkward for them as what are they supposed to do about it? They have little to no evidence (assuming others haven't noticed or in CCTV, it's kind of subjective and awkward to bring up with you. If you were ever questioned I would deny it in my opinion as it's hard to evidence though not impossible.
The thing to add with Pretty girls or girls who are pretty enough is that they don't need to chat you up. Some girls might chat a bit just to see what you are like or if they really think the world off you, if your a pretty boy who gets lots of girls, etc. However most pretty girls will get enough guys go to them so don't need to put in any effort there.

So if you're not chatting them up like the other guys do they will take it as you are not interested and/or are just not good socially/confident. So will lose interest and not want to bother once they have worked out you are not for them. So she has probably just lost interest and/or possibly a bit annoyed that you haven't pony'd on up like all the other guys to chat her up. Pretty girls are like that I think. They expect the poor guy to do it all 🙄
Original post by Anonymous #1
I cant just do nothing. I fancy her a lot hence why ive struggled to initiate convo as everytime i see her i freeze and become nervous. I need to talk to her sooner rather than later. She wont complain if i talk to her and break the ice. Shes more likely to complain if i dont and continue to stare at her.

There's a very simple answer. It's based on the fact that good looking women tend to have friends that are good looking.

So you can tell her something along the lines of "I have a rule of never getting romantically involved with co-workers. Because of possible conflicts of interest, sexual harassment, unprofessionalism. What do you think of this rule?... On Saturdays I normally go out with a few friends for a drink and some witty banter. They're an accepting and harmless bunch. 🙂 I think you'd like Bob's girlfriend..."

Something where you are disqualifying her as becoming your girlfriend, whilst coming over as friendly and positive and with a very soft close attempt at getting her to mix socially with you outside of work.
The disqualification mindset should go a long way to settling your nerves.

Most guys are too dumb to realise this: an attractive woman that is your "good platonic friend" is the Willy Wonka Golden Ticket to a great dating life. Because of all the introductions you will get from her. As well as the social proof when you go into into a venue with her next to you.
Play the long game, not the instant gratification game.

Don't apologise. Maintain your frame that you've done nothing wrong.
An apology would be a typical nice guy mistake. The sort of mistake made by men that think that supplicating is a good way to get inside a woman's knickers.
Goodness me, just talk to them.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
There's a very simple answer. It's based on the fact that good looking women tend to have friends that are good looking.

So you can tell her something along the lines of "I have a rule of never getting romantically involved with co-workers. Because of possible conflicts of interest, sexual harassment, unprofessionalism. What do you think of this rule?... On Saturdays I normally go out with a few friends for a drink and some witty banter. They're an accepting and harmless bunch. 🙂 I think you'd like Bob's girlfriend..."

Something where you are disqualifying her as becoming your girlfriend, whilst coming over as friendly and positive and with a very soft close attempt at getting her to mix socially with you outside of work.
The disqualification mindset should go a long way to settling your nerves.

Most guys are too dumb to realise this: an attractive woman that is your "good platonic friend" is the Willy Wonka Golden Ticket to a great dating life. Because of all the introductions you will get from her. As well as the social proof when you go into into a venue with her next to you.
Play the long game, not the instant gratification game.

Don't apologise. Maintain your frame that you've done nothing wrong.
An apology would be a typical nice guy mistake. The sort of mistake made by men that think that supplicating is a good way to get inside a woman's knickers.

That's amazingly good advice Dunning, I've all too often in my life fallen into the trap of going straight ahead like op and showing my interest with eye contact while the girl did the same, it never really led anywhere. Usually it's the girl that ate pretty that attracted me and most guys and they are inundated with guys. Your technique of disqualifying first is great. It sounds madness like you are destroying your chances with the one you want but you are dead right in lusting after the girl by showing so much interest straight up front is a bad move. That normally leads to the girl not valuing the guy because she comes to see herself as above him and him as too easy to get, junior to her.

In life I think you've got to be ready to take a risk in such a situation and do a bold move as you suggest Dunnig. Running after girls rarely if ever works particularly the more pretty ones. So I would say it's a socially savvy move there. Many people think straight ahead and hit the brick wall rather than thinking around the situation and being light on their feet. Even if it doesn't work I think it's likely the best play possible and like you say can lead onto better things. Women usually admire someone who is skillful socially so it's a good manoeuvre 👏🙂

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