Can someone assess my two paragraphs for Eng lit?

Could someone assess my two paragraphs for Eng lit as I am unsure which band it would be in and would like to improve my writing skills.

I'm currently in Y12studying Othello and my teacher has set this question:
How does Shakespeare present Othello at this point: (Aim for 2 paragraphs - submit online)

OTHELLO

Behold, I have a weapon;
A better never did itself sustain
Upon a soldier's thigh: I have seen the day,
That, with this little arm and this good sword,
I have made my way through more impediments
Than twenty times your stop: but, O vain boast!
Who can control his fate? 'tis not so now.
Be not afraid, though you do see me weapon'd;
Here is my journey's end, here is my butt,
And very sea-mark of my utmost sail.
Do you go back dismay'd? 'tis a lost fear;
Man but a rush against Othello's breast,
And he retires. Where should Othello go?
Now, how dost thou look now? O ill-starr'd wench!
Pale as thy smock! when we shall meet at compt,
This look of thine will hurl my soul from heaven,
And fiends will snatch at it. Cold, cold, my girl!
Even like thy chastity. O cursed slave!
Whip me, ye devils,
From the possession of this heavenly sight!
Blow me about in winds! roast me in sulphur!
Wash me in steep-down gulfs of liquid fire!
O Desdemona! Desdemona! dead!
Oh! Oh! Oh!

This is my answer:
In this excerpt from Act 5 Scene 2, Shakespeare presents Othello in the throes of intense emotional turmoil, revealing a character haunted by regret, despair, and self-condemnation. Throughout the play, Othello attempted to fit in with the rest of society by mirroring the way they speak. However, in this last scene Othello loses all control of his speech as it becomes disjointed and irregular. He uses repetition often such as “O Desdemon! Dead, Desdemon, Dead! O, O!”. Here, Othello almost tautologically repeats over and over again the same concept which indicates his inability to string together a coherent and grammatically correct sentence. Instead we are left with a chaotic jumble of words which seems to be mirroring his mental state which is quickly deteriorating. The repeated apostrophes prompts the quote, “O my soul’s joy!” (Act 2 Scene 1) which once expressed Othello’s sincere love and happiness for Desdemona. However, in this excerpt, the exclamations reveal a grief that is beyond words, creating a stark contrast. He also uses third person when referring to himself more than once. He asks himself “Where should Othello go?” which indicates that Othello has slipped into madness. By referring to himself in this way he is disassociating from himself because of the pain of the trauma, a feature of madness. Although Othello confronts Iago and says that he feels he is not entirely to blame for his actions because he was ‘Perplexed in the extreme’, we know that the hero accepts responsibility for his crime and will pay for it, foreshadowing his death. Although suicide is seen as a sin in Christianity, the Ancient Greeks and Romans often saw suicide as patriotic or noble because it was a way of avoiding disgrace and preserving one’s honour. In many Greek and Roman tragedies the protagonists commit suicide for other reasons as well: to avoid further suffering, end grief or sacrifice themselves for the greater good.

In this moment, Shakespeare also presents Othello as a pitiful victim ensnared in Iago’s machiavellian plot. The play initially starts in Venice - this presents order and Romantic aspects of Othello and Desdemona’s love. This shifts to Cyprus which is synonymous with disorder and battle which fuels Othello’s demise. The soliloquy’s emphasis on Othello’s suffering and the horror of his moment of anagnorisis acts as a catalyst for his development into the quintessential tragic hero. Othello sees himself in a new and reduced light. He speaks of his ‘little arm’ and describes the ‘impediments’ he has made his way through on the battlefield not to boast, but to show that he is diminished. The mentioning of Othello’s earlier life may, perhaps, act as a reminder of how far this mighty, noble man has fallen. However, he calls Desdemona “my girl,” which exemplifies his controlling nature and could present Othello as inconsiderate. The use of possessive pronoun and the diminutive noun expresses his ownership even after her death and could possibly question his anagnorisis. Although realising that he shouldn’t have killed her and admits to his fate in hell because of his wrongdoings, Othello doesn’t acknowledge the forthright, courageous, brave woman Desdemona was. Therefore, it could be possibly argued that Othello’s anagnorisis is incomplete as he reveals a lack of understanding of Desdemona’s character which could be caused by his hubristic nature. This idea traverses throughout the entire play and its inclusion can be seen as Othello's hamartia. Furthermore, he states “O cursed cursed slave”. The use of the repetition creates a tone of desperation and could be a reference to Othello, himself, or Iago. At this point of the play, the two characters have become so similar due to Iago’s villainous manipulation, evoking a sense of pathos and catharsis from the audience. Throughout this scene, Othello plays out the very stereotype that he hoped to avoid: that men of colour are jealous and violent. Iago's perceiving Othello as naive and gullible, parallels the superiority that Europeans felt over the ‘uncivilised’ Africans. Iago's exploitation of Othello’s inner insecurity about his own blackness, leads to the ultimate destruction of his marriage and religious identity.

*We haven't learned about adding criticisms or comparative essays but would be really helpful if anyone could give me any advice on improving my paragraphs to make it a top level standard

Reply 1

harrietmil123

Not too bad- could do with being a bit more concise, and perhaps more varied sentence length would help the flow. The context feels a bit bolted onto the end of paragraphs- try to integrate it further into your points!

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