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your thoughts?
I thought men were supposed to be simple creatures...!
I've really fallen for someone that I work with and don't know what to do. Maybe you can help me work out what's going on?
I'm 19 and work in an office, and this guy is 24. We first met in about December, about 3 months after I started working there, and we clicked straight away. A couple of the other girls noticed this and decided to try and set us up, so they kept engineering situations where he and I could be together. Anyway, at the beginning, I thought he was really interested. If we were in the pub with a huge crowd of people from work, he'd always sit next to me and chat to just me for ages and ages. (He's a very sociable person and gets on well with everyone, so people noticed and commented on this. Everyone kept telling me he liked me, and looked really interested.)
There were other signs too. Around Christmas and early in the new year, when we were just getting to know each other, he used to email me all the time and say things like "You should come out with us more often, it's be nice to have you there." I said I wanted to but it was difficult because I live far away and don't have my own car and the last train is about 10:30, so he said that there was a spare room in his house every weekend if I wanted to stay over, and i was always welcome.
Anyway, at the beginning of February, we went out in Southampton for his birthday and I stayed over at his. When the last people had gone and we were going to bed, he asked me to lie down next to him for a bit and have a cuddle, so I got into bed with him and basically stayed there. He said he wasn't keen on having a relationship because he was very confused about a lot of things, even though he liked me, but five minutes later we ended up kissing and we were just kissing and talking for hours, and then some more in the morning. As I was leaving, he said he'd have to have a think about some things and talk to me when he'd made his mind up.
About a week and a half later, we went out for lunch and he basically said he didn't think it was a good idea, because of the age gap between us, the fact that I haven't been to uni yet, the fact that we work together etc. He also mentioned his busy social life and the professional exams he's taking which mean he doesn't have that much time.
I accepted that it wasn't going to turn into a relationship at that point, but we agreed to see each other every so often, just because we both fancy each other and it would be fun. About a month later, we all went out and I stayed at his house again. Things went further this time, but again, we didn't have sex. He told me all kinds of really personal things that not many people know about him; things you wouldn't just tell anybody. He also told me that he's had one girlfriend, which was in his second year of uni and they split up because she went away to Germany for her third year and when she came back it wasn't the same. He said he'd loved her very much, that they were still friends, and that as a person I was just like her. He hasn't been with anyone (i.e. nothing more than a kiss) for nearly four years now.
At the moment, we're very good friends who get together occasionally, but his close friends are telling me that he does want a relationship, even if he says he doesn't, and that I should just be patient. I think I should probably just believe what he tells me, but on the other hand, they know him very well, and he seems totally confused. Whenever we spend time together he seems to be wavering. I get the impression that his friends are right, and that he does want a relationship, and even he knows that. But he's not a risk taker, and even though there's serious chemistry between us, on paper it's not a good idea. There's a five year age gap between us, which bothers him far more than it does me, and I'm going to uni in the autumn.
I know I should just forget it, but I've never met anyone so perfect for me before! It's really frustrating and I don't know what to think.
Anyway, if you read that, any thoughts?
Thanks
I've really fallen for someone that I work with and don't know what to do. Maybe you can help me work out what's going on?
I'm 19 and work in an office, and this guy is 24. We first met in about December, about 3 months after I started working there, and we clicked straight away. A couple of the other girls noticed this and decided to try and set us up, so they kept engineering situations where he and I could be together. Anyway, at the beginning, I thought he was really interested. If we were in the pub with a huge crowd of people from work, he'd always sit next to me and chat to just me for ages and ages. (He's a very sociable person and gets on well with everyone, so people noticed and commented on this. Everyone kept telling me he liked me, and looked really interested.)
There were other signs too. Around Christmas and early in the new year, when we were just getting to know each other, he used to email me all the time and say things like "You should come out with us more often, it's be nice to have you there." I said I wanted to but it was difficult because I live far away and don't have my own car and the last train is about 10:30, so he said that there was a spare room in his house every weekend if I wanted to stay over, and i was always welcome.
Anyway, at the beginning of February, we went out in Southampton for his birthday and I stayed over at his. When the last people had gone and we were going to bed, he asked me to lie down next to him for a bit and have a cuddle, so I got into bed with him and basically stayed there. He said he wasn't keen on having a relationship because he was very confused about a lot of things, even though he liked me, but five minutes later we ended up kissing and we were just kissing and talking for hours, and then some more in the morning. As I was leaving, he said he'd have to have a think about some things and talk to me when he'd made his mind up.
About a week and a half later, we went out for lunch and he basically said he didn't think it was a good idea, because of the age gap between us, the fact that I haven't been to uni yet, the fact that we work together etc. He also mentioned his busy social life and the professional exams he's taking which mean he doesn't have that much time.
I accepted that it wasn't going to turn into a relationship at that point, but we agreed to see each other every so often, just because we both fancy each other and it would be fun. About a month later, we all went out and I stayed at his house again. Things went further this time, but again, we didn't have sex. He told me all kinds of really personal things that not many people know about him; things you wouldn't just tell anybody. He also told me that he's had one girlfriend, which was in his second year of uni and they split up because she went away to Germany for her third year and when she came back it wasn't the same. He said he'd loved her very much, that they were still friends, and that as a person I was just like her. He hasn't been with anyone (i.e. nothing more than a kiss) for nearly four years now.
At the moment, we're very good friends who get together occasionally, but his close friends are telling me that he does want a relationship, even if he says he doesn't, and that I should just be patient. I think I should probably just believe what he tells me, but on the other hand, they know him very well, and he seems totally confused. Whenever we spend time together he seems to be wavering. I get the impression that his friends are right, and that he does want a relationship, and even he knows that. But he's not a risk taker, and even though there's serious chemistry between us, on paper it's not a good idea. There's a five year age gap between us, which bothers him far more than it does me, and I'm going to uni in the autumn.
I know I should just forget it, but I've never met anyone so perfect for me before! It's really frustrating and I don't know what to think.
Anyway, if you read that, any thoughts?
Thanks
If he's unsure about you then I'd say perhaps stay away for a while and see how it goes. He said you not having gone to university was a problem - are you going next year or something or waiting and working or not going? If you are likely to be leaving then it is perhaps not a good idea to get into anything too serious.
Howver, as always, it has to be up to you and him and how you feel about each other!
Howver, as always, it has to be up to you and him and how you feel about each other!
I sounds like he is scared of commitment after his last girlfriend. It is probably worthwhile persuing the relationship but be careful not to hurt him if you want to end it - he sounds quite sensitive. Also, are you going to live far away from him when you go to uni?
MB
MB
I think he is making excuses. If he really wanted to be with you then a 5 year age gap wouldn't matter. Age isn't the issue, it is something else. Maybe he has been hurt in the past, or maybe he doesn't want to make the time for a relationship. Either way, he has made his feelings clear so I would keep things as friends unless he makes a move indicating he wants more. Good luck.
I don't think you should forget it. he can't help being confused, or nervous, or whatever it is.
You could tell him how you feel and what you want, and leave him to decide what he wants. Or if the moment was right, you could try to make something happen.
I'd try and talk to him about why he doesn't want to get into a relationship. Not the excuses he's making, the real reasons. Talk everything through, make sure he knows how you feel, and let him make his mind up.
You could tell him how you feel and what you want, and leave him to decide what he wants. Or if the moment was right, you could try to make something happen.
I'd try and talk to him about why he doesn't want to get into a relationship. Not the excuses he's making, the real reasons. Talk everything through, make sure he knows how you feel, and let him make his mind up.
BlackHawk
I think he is making excuses. If he really wanted to be with you then a 5 year age gap wouldn't matter. Age isn't the issue, it is something else. Maybe he has been hurt in the past, or maybe he doesn't want to make the time for a relationship. Either way, he has made his feelings clear so I would keep things as friends unless he makes a move indicating he wants more. Good luck.
Once again I concur...
I also believe that "confusion" in terms of a relationship or non relationship is simply a clashing of the heart and the head, and it normally indicates that it's really just a generic term for "I'm not 100% into it".
That's just my belief, I could be wrong, but I've NEVER had success with boys who were "confused", really it just meant that they weren't in love with me.
i think that he's just incredibly insecure. I think you should be there for him as a friend to talk to mostly. Maybe he really needs to connect with you on an emotional level before things go any further
lessthanthree
remember, when people think too much, it clouds their vision of the here and now :\
remember, when people think too much, it clouds their vision of the here and now :\
I generally agree with you but I think that pushing someone into a corner can also cloud their vision. be gentle with him.
MB
theotherF.Poste
Once again I concur...
I also believe that "confusion" in terms of a relationship or non relationship is simply a clashing of the heart and the head, and it normally indicates that it's really just a generic term for "I'm not 100% into it".
That's just my belief, I could be wrong, but I've NEVER had success with boys who were "confused", really it just meant that they weren't in love with me.
I also believe that "confusion" in terms of a relationship or non relationship is simply a clashing of the heart and the head, and it normally indicates that it's really just a generic term for "I'm not 100% into it".
That's just my belief, I could be wrong, but I've NEVER had success with boys who were "confused", really it just meant that they weren't in love with me.
we seem to agree on a few things
Thanks for all the replies!
In September I will be going to uni, most likely in Bristol. He lives in Southampton, so at least it's vaguely the right part of the country! I've also been in a longer distance relationship before and made it work for quite some time, when my ex went to uni and I stayed at home, so I know it can be done.
I just think that when you have a potentially good thing going with someone, you should just take a chance and see where it leads, because it might turn out to be something amazing, but if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world.
I think you're right - I do need to be gentle with him. The age gap notwithstanding, I have a feeling I'm a little bit more experienced and a bit more streetwise than he is in some ways.
We shall see!
In September I will be going to uni, most likely in Bristol. He lives in Southampton, so at least it's vaguely the right part of the country! I've also been in a longer distance relationship before and made it work for quite some time, when my ex went to uni and I stayed at home, so I know it can be done.
I just think that when you have a potentially good thing going with someone, you should just take a chance and see where it leads, because it might turn out to be something amazing, but if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world.
I think you're right - I do need to be gentle with him. The age gap notwithstanding, I have a feeling I'm a little bit more experienced and a bit more streetwise than he is in some ways.
We shall see!
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