"Sexy schoolgirls" and my personal morals

Hello.

Warning: this thread contains some dark sexual discussion that might be distressing to some readers.

I am a 29 year old man (though I'm quite immature for my age by about five years), and I've just been living back in my town on a break from a university course due to mental health problems. These problems were very wide-ranging (though they did involve a few concerns about sexual identity and preference.) Some of these, I think, have been due to guilt about what interests me sexually (I am bi but more interested in women than men, and often cross-dress in private), and primarily, this is to do with the fact the sixth form I went to has (and still has) a uniform, and - I have to admit, it made and makes the 16-18 year old girls there look incredibly attractive.

I know this has been a classic male fantasy in the UK for years, and importantly, I think paedophilia - as in attraction to pre-pubescent children, is absolutely disgusting. 14-15 year olds, still, an absolute no-no. I would never go with someone I knew was (at least 16 but) under 18 anyway, even in secret, as I felt it would be taking advantage. But I can't deny I have fantasies of acting that scenario out, though only with someone who was actually role-playing as a sixth former. (When I was 23 I turned down a potential date with an 18 year old from the school as it felt too awkward to be hanging round with her in her uniform etc)

You see, I'm actually four years younger than Britney Spears and a few months younger than TatU so when their retrospective debut chart topping videos indulging the "naughty schoolgirl" fantasy to the maximum - I just thought they were playing as a "barely legal" sixth formers, I didn't see any "paedo" element in there because I was younger than them, it was literally a schoolboy crush and a fantasy of dating girls who were "out of my league". I also have Asperger Syndrome and I often deal in absolutes and straight answers to help me solve situations, though this can make me a bit naive, but I thought "Oh if they're at least 16 there's no law against it" - and moreover, I find intimate personal situations difficult - and obsessing over the mechanical side of sex (i.e. positions, penetration etc) makes me feel uncomfortable because of my sensitivity to textures, sounds, sights, smells, so having an extra element like dressing up or acting out a fantasy scenario helps calm the nerves no end.

The other thing was, I didn't use to see this fetish as a "forbidden fruit" situation for women to act "childlike" etc. It was much more of a disciplined, control situation that excited me - and because most of the girls were more intelligent, confident than the boys at my sixth form - and had the curves, features of adult women by then - it felt like they were using the uniform to dominate me, mentally. I saw it as no different to having a thing for other uniforms (which I do) like policewoman, air hostess, secretary etc. - the uniform at my sixth form was quite business-like - blouse and tie, (often short) pencil skirts, girls would often wear quite high heels etc. but it did leave a bit to the imagination. There seems to be this thing as well in summer for wearing a short, navy blue dress over the top - a bit like (the remade) St. Trinian's, but I'm guessing it's in tribute to the sixth form and not anyone underage. Also used to have a big thing for the Catholic schoolgirl look in US high school films, but it wasn't necessarily even the full uniform, just that I liked the "preppy", demure look, especially the plaid skirts, and that was maybe more of a thing for punk/goth girls anyway. Most of the actresses were 27 in real life..

The problem is, this fetish keeps digging away at the back of my mind, and even as I get older I still fantasise obsessively about it, and in light of recent events with Operation Yewtree, Rotherham, Ian Watkins etc, I just don't want to indulge too much in any thoughts about things that might be even "borderline" dodgy. The problem is, the shocking examples above should be absolutely light years away from consenting to doing something with someone who's pretending to be someone who'd be legal (albeit barely) anyway - but Watkins actually once arranged to meet an actual 16-year-old to dress up in a school uniform and act "underage" (it was in the US state they met in), and I have a horrible feeling this was just one stop on the slippery slope journey to his disgusting crimes against the youngest of innocent kids.

I also found some of those "school disco" themed events deeply uncomfortable, with girls trying to pass themselves off as more like 12 than 18 wearing pigtails, sucking on lollipops etc (ok I know I mentioned the Britney thing before but I couldn't read it at the time as I was younger than her when I fancied her. And I know that could mean ANYTHING, there's girls who go as "slutty" versions of Heidi, Dorothy etc. to parties - I'm pretty sure they're depicting an "adult" version of them, i.e. the German/Swiss beer girl fantasy, but in their original incarnation these were actual little girls and.. y'know.. it's the Aspergers thing, I don't even want to slightly soil my mind by thinking slightly of any unpleasant source to this... well i've seen some Halloween costumes like 'sexy girl scout cookie girl' and think HOW THE **** could anyone be trying to play a sexually 'mature' role dressed like that??)

The Japanese schoolgirl thing really creeps me out as well, I just thought it was women posing as 17-18 year olds acting a bit racy/quirky, but there's definitely an element of it that appeals to men who get off on barely pubescent kids (i.e. a lot of Western paedophile men visit the Far East.) and also there seems a lot of pornography there that legitimises rape fantasies, etc, but they seem to get a free pass because they're a distant culture who haven't caused the UK any harm in modern times. Putting the paedophilia aside for a moment, even if it's a 32 year old woman in a "school uniform" from Ann Summers, I do also have a concern that getting a female partner to act immaturely could be covert mental abuse - abusing power over someone's naivety, harming relationships.

I know many people who say that what two consenting adults get up to in their own home is no business of anyone else, and if something makes you happy and it's not hurting anyone else, you should go ahead and enjoy it, but where do you draw the line? I mean, I visit fetish clubs sometimes and never met people like them, but there are people out there who get off on dressing as children, toddlers, even babies, and I feel ill just thinking about it, and things like that probably do encourage people to legitimise amoral behaviour like raping an innocent little kid.

This is obviously a million years away from that stuff but I was talking to a great friend last night and (half-jokingly) saying "There's a very nice batch of sixth form girls this year,", he'd usually laugh and say "that's a bit risque" but this time he seemed genuinely concerned by my behaviour saying "I shouldn't be finding them attractive any more, they're just kids." Maybe I need an older woman. Not as old as a granny, mind :smile:

But what do you all think? Am I just imagining slightly risque but harmless fun scenarios or am I putting myself at risk of doing something unpleasant? Please help me as I need to be able to come to terms with myself and try and eliminate certain 'fetishes' from my mind if they are seen as wrong.

(NOTE: Sometimes I occasionally crossdress as the 'sexy schoolgirl' with outfits similar to the ones at sixth form. I find it more relaxing than arousing though, mind, as I'm not a very macho, laddish person and playing a character of a different gender - especially when it's going back in time or to somewhere exotic/impossible, it empowers me.)

Reply 1

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Fantasy and reality: two very different things.

You can find 16-18 year old young women in school uniform attractive. Some of them are. This doesn't mean you want to murder / rape / have illegal sex with them, any more than people who do the 'furry' fetish have sex with bears.

(I am amused that you think there's a big maturity difference between 24 and 29 year olds...)