My wife slapped my daughter?

At 16 a child should be mature enough to be allowed a phone and should not be sheltered so much from the outside world .

OPs daughter is 14 and her hormones are probably through the roof , however her behavior was disgusting .
YOU said a phone should only be given to someone at 18 which is when they are most likely starting university and i don't agree with that.

Thats good for you.
However, you do realise people live very different lives to you . Some go to sixth-form far from home and need to contact guardians about where they are .
At 16 a child should be mature enough to be allowed a phone and should not be sheltered so much from the outside world .
However, i do think children should not have snapchat , Instagram etc. until after they are 18 and there are exceptions to that as well

Ur daughter is a brat , she might not deserve the slap .. but u cant blame her mom , like do u seriously underestimate the fact that a 14 years old can curse on his mum like she is nothing

I know and I'm completely shocked. I never thought she would do that. The promise held up for 22 years and she just broke it. I can't even say how disappointed I am. Yes your disappointed, but you need to air this with your wife and get it sorted. Are you going to hold this disappointment for her for a long time? If so, this is what im trying to say. It might come across like shes forever going to be in your bad books, and your disappointment in her will come across like you wont ever forgive her and she will resent you in the end. As you say shes held up this promise for 22 years, but people can crack when provoked in that way, especially people greiving who are hosting a whole range of emotions. yes she did what she did. It's extremly likely that she wont never do it again and is a one off, After all, 22 years shes never done anything like that before.

I know my wife was greiving and I know how sad she is. I also know that my daughter was wrong. But that doesn't mean she should be slapped. Slapping doesn't solve the problem. It only makes it worse. Neither does being kicked in the leg and being disrespectful to your parents either, that is just as bad as being slapped. It is. And yes it escalated by the pair of them. both actions are just as bad.

Yes, she was playing video games at her grandmother's funeral. totally wrong, is she addicted to phone?

Yes, she swore and kicked her mother. hey we teenage girls (yep been there once lol) all have a paddy every now and again, but we should respect our parent should we not, and not cross the line like that?

But she's only 14. Doesnt matter: she should know right from wrong at that age, shes not 5, and she got asked to turn it off and she refused. She might not even know it was wrong to play video games at a funeral , oh come on, wheres your daughters manners? Its a funeral, not a games arcade..
Same situation here. My daughter is 14, and last year, a week after her birthday she attended her grandmothers funeral, and her uncle a few months before that. She had her phone off during the service, her phone still off for the first part of the wake and then only switched it back on towards the end when people were leaving. I didnt ask her to, she knew whats respectful or not at situations as sombre as a funeral...And my wife suddenly took her iPhone 11 and smashed it. It cost $749.ok this one is going to hurt the bank balance, . the phone was the crux of the problem so was always going to be in the firing line .

No she did not deserve to be slapped. I'm not really blaming my wife either. I'm just disagree with her hitting my daughter. And I know my daughter was wrong and I will discipline her. She's grounded for 2 months and she won't get a phone before December.

I'm a 44-year-old white man married with 4 kids. My daughter is my youngest and she turned 14 two weeks ago (on December 23).

My mother-in-law passed away a few days ago and we were at the funeral today. When everyone was greiving, I noticed my daughter playing Modern Combat on her phone. My wife saw her playing and told her to put the phone away but she just said "whatever" and continued to play.

A few minutes later, she noticed my daughter was still playing on her phone. In front of everybody, she pulled my daughter's phone out of her hands and smashed it. My daughter started screaming. I don't remember everything she said, but it included: "You ****ing *****! What the **** are you doing?! I ****ing hate you, go **** yourself!" My daughter then kicked my wife in the leg and my wife lost it and slapped her across the face as hard as she could. I was shocked. 22 years ago, when my wife was pregnant with our eldest son, we made a promise to never use violence against our kids. My father used to beat me for not listening to him or saying something he didn't like. Today I can barely stand the sight of him. Everytime I saw him or heard his voice, those nightmares came back and it took days and sometimes even weeks before I could think about something else. That was the reason I moved out at 18. I couldn't bear it anymore.

Anyway, my daughter started crying and I went to hug and console her. My wife told her that she was a disrespectful spoiled brat, that she will never have a phone until she is 18 and that she was grounded. I understand how hard it is to lose a parent but I just can't believe that she hit our daughter. She broke the promise and I don't know how disappointed I am. And I know my daughter was wrong but no matter what she did, I would never have raised a hand against her. As someone who was beaten by his father for 18 years, I know how much damage violence and abuse can do to a child.

My daughter cried for the whole car ride and even after we came home. She went upstairs to her room and I followed her. I tried to comfort her. I told her that she will get a new phone on her 15th birthday (which is in December) and that what her mother did was wrong and that she is sorry. But my daughter said she hates her mother and that she will never forgive her. About half an hour later, I had a talk with my wife and she said: "I'm done with that apathetic heartless disrespectful brat. I can't handle her anymore."

I don't know what to do. They don't even talk to each other and I'm serious. I need help because I don't want them to hate or dislike each other. I want to fix their relationship.

They are both in the wrong. And so are you.

Hope you get it sorted, Your daughter behaves herself going forward, and your wife has the support for her grief for her mum (and you and the rest of the family too). Theres going to be a lot of hugs involved, and forgiveness too but its needed.

Will you please stop going on and on about you disagreeing with your wife hitting your daughter?!

That's if you want to stay married?
If you don't, fill yer boots. Keep picking away at this scab till it bleeds. Over and over again.

If you want to stay married, shut up about it! Stop going on and on and on and on about it. Let it lie.
She's your wife. She's not your glove puppet. She will sometimes do things that you don't agree with. Tolerate them. If you want to stay with her.

Stop focusing on this one negative incident. Move on. Either to being single again. Or to doing some fun, interesting things with your wife. Take her out for a nice meal. Or go to a hotel with an indoor swimming pool for the week-end. Focus on something positive.

I have, perhaps a slightly different take on things.
In short, yes they are both in the wrong for their actions, but I think, above anything, it was probably caused by grief, and improper processing of said grief.

Lets start with the daughter. 14 years old, youngest of 4, and owns a £700 phone. Thinks its okay to play games during a funeral, and that getting her phone smashed is an acceptable reason to kick someone.
Well it sounds like, and I'm pretty sure OP has agreed somewhere in this thread, that the daughter is spoilt and not used to discipline. Which is half the problem here. She has grown up believing that she will get her way no matter what. And by the sounds of the things mentioned, it seems as though your wife is well aware of this, and is was trying to change this, but you (too busy trying to be friends with your daughter) kept indulging her regardless.
So spoilt 14 year old, not used to discipline, is it really any wonder why she didn't put the phone down when asked? No not really.
The violence aspect, while not remotely acceptable, kind of understandable from a 14 year olds point of view. At that age, a phone like that, would be one of her priced possessions. Imagine if someone took a baseball bat to every single one of your cars windows right in front of you, for example. I'm pretty sure you'd want to punch the person who did that! She has been raised without displine, and so not really been taught about consequences of actions, that was probably her first experience of it, and in her anger of having her priced possession smashed in front of her, she lashed out.
As for the gaming at the funeral itself. I wonder whether that is less an act of doing what she wants, and more her way of dealing with the grief of her grandmothers death. It can affect kids more than you might think. Was she told before hand that it's okay to cry about it, it's okay to show emotion? Maybe she thought the best way to handle herself was distraction during the funeral so she didn't end up crying and embarrass herself doing so in front of everyone. Did anyone sit her down before hand and tell her about proper ettique at a funeral? If she has never experienced anything like this before, you cannot just expect her to know what is right and wrong to do, what may help her deal with the situation may in fact come across as disrespectful.
In my opinion the daughter seems very confused, and the whole situation is overwhelming. Now not only has she lost her grandmother, whose loss she seems to be having trouble processing, but she now also lost her priced possession (and best distraction method for her grief), and now probably thinks her mother hates her and is scared at when she will next lash out at her.

Now to the mother. She has just lost her own mum, is completely full of not just grief, but stress at probably having to organise the funeral (which is very stressful), is dealing with a daughter who doesn't listen, and a husband who doesn't listen either and just encourages the daughters entitlement. On the one day she wanted thinks to go well, and wanted to give her parent a good send off, and allow herself to properly grief, probably the first time since finding out they passed (which is normally the way), she sees her daughter appearing to not care in the slightest, and her husband not caring enough to put a stop to it.
Right in the middle of her properly grieving, she asks her daughter to stop, and doesn't get listened to. This is the last thing she needs, more stress, "is it too much to ask for for just my daughter to listen on one day", and in that moment her grief turns into anger and she lashes out.
Then to find out that her husband cares more about the daughter who was being so disrespectful than his own wife.
By this point she probably feels that the whole day, the chance to say goodbye to her mum, was ruined by the incident with her daughter, and all she's hearing is you telling her that she is in the wrong, and the daughter needs a new phone.
Yes she broke a promise to you, and no she should not have gotten violent, but grief is a horrible thing, and a if timed right can bring out some awful other emotions.

I think you need to completely change what you are doing. For the meantime don't try and reconcile them, that will come in time, instead focus on helping them both, individually, with their grief. Give your wife a hell of a lot more care and attention than you seem to be doing at the moment, and stop talking about the incident and the follow up. Talk to your daughter, not about the phone or the incident, but about what she is feeling, about her grief and the loss of her grandmother.
When tensions have died down a little bit, and everyone is much calmer, try and have a rational conversation all together. With no shouting, or arguing, and none of you inserting your opinion. Get a talking stick if need be, allow each perosn to rationally say their piece. Start with (daughter) why did you feel you had to game at the funeral? (mother) how did it make you feel seeing daughter gaming during her grandmothers funeral? (daughter) Why did you not put it down when asked? (both) Why did you feel that violence was an appropriate response? Like a literal mediation session. It won't solve things overnight but it will allow them to see things from each others perspectives.
Get them to talk about the process of grief together, to reminence about grandma together. And if trust is a problem between them both following the violence, then get them to discuss together the best way to go about rebuilding that.
Eventually everyone will be much calmer and then you can start talking both about the punishment, and in my opinion, future expectations from the daughterin relation to doing as she is told.

They are both in the wrong. And so are you.

Don't listen to these people who have no idea what abuse is like. I was beat to a pulp at 12 for eating candy.


Your daughter saying "whatever" doesn't warrant a psychotic response. Smashing the phone is psychotic. I don't care what the situation is. Snatching the phone and keeping until later as punishment is one thing. Smashing it like a deluded butch acting like an evil power tripping entitled stepmother! The kid is 14, not 17. If my 14 yr old little sister got her phone smashed I'd feel bad, and she's not even my kid. No one here would sit quietly if their phone was smashed. Everyone would react in a sudden way! Your wife needs to control herself. She's not a child.

I completely agree!

She keeps asking me to give my phone to her so she could play games but as she was grounded, I said no. She then lock herself in the bathroom and cries for an hour. This is happening almost every 2 hours. I don't know what to do. Any advice?

Don't listen to these people who have no idea what abuse is like. I was beat to a pulp at 12 for eating candy.


Your daughter saying "whatever" doesn't warrant a psychotic response. Smashing the phone is psychotic. I don't care what the situation is. Snatching the phone and keeping until later as punishment is one thing. Smashing it like a deluded butch acting like an evil power tripping entitled stepmother! The kid is 14, not 17. If my 14 yr old little sister got her phone smashed I'd feel bad, and she's not even my kid. No one here would sit quietly if their phone was smashed. Everyone would react in a sudden way! Your wife needs to control herself. She's not a child.

She keeps asking me to give my phone to her so she could play games but as she was grounded, I said no. She then lock herself in the bathroom and cries for an hour. This is happening almost every 2 hours. I don't know what to do. Any advice?

Everything is fine but my daughter won't apologize and she said she'll never forgive her mother.


I've move past it now. I'm not angry at all.


We had a talk. My daughter said she played video games at the funeral because she was bored (What else could she do? It was probably a way for her to get happy when she was sad).

As the conversation went on, my wife said she felt sick and that she couldn't believe she raised a child who cared more about video games than her own grandmother (which I agree with). She also said that when she asked her to put her phone away and my daughter replied "whatever", she already wanted to slap her but held back because many people were there and she didn't want to make a scene.

Anyway, my daughter didn't put the phone away because she was in the middle of the game. And she said she kicked her mother because she smashed her iPhone 11. My wife said she slapped her because she was upset and tired of our daughter being apathetic and uncaring.

My wife apologized but my daughter didn't. She said my wife ruined everything because now she can't use Instagram (she has 15000 followers and gets 1000-2000 likes on her posts) and that people will unfollow her because she will be inactive for many months. And she's mad because she can't play Call of Duty (she loves that game and she usually spends many hours a day playing it). And finally, she's upset because she lost all her snapchat streaks (with the highest being 1053). She spends a lot of time on social media and video games. And now she's completely lost because she can do neither.

She keeps asking me to give my phone to her so she could play games but as she was grounded, I said no. She then lock herself in the bathroom and cries for an hour. This is happening almost every 2 hours. I don't know what to do. Any advice?


I completely agree!