Is this controlling behaviour?
We are married for a 13 years, we re both south Asians.
He explicitly said to me, he does not want me to show ANY skin (apart from face, feet, arms) and no tight clothing on my bum.
I understand his reasoning since brown people judge differently. And I wear pretty much anything when we’re abroad on holidays.
We have a child, we were raised religious although neither of us are particularly religious now.
So girls, is it normal for a guy (specially a brown one) to ask you to dress differently???
He explicitly said to me, he does not want me to show ANY skin (apart from face, feet, arms) and no tight clothing on my bum.
I understand his reasoning since brown people judge differently. And I wear pretty much anything when we’re abroad on holidays.
We have a child, we were raised religious although neither of us are particularly religious now.
So girls, is it normal for a guy (specially a brown one) to ask you to dress differently???
He says women and men are not equal, women are judged differently and doesn’t want other men looking at me and getting the wrong idea.
I'm South Asian as well and while my fiance is not, he also comes from a family that places a lot of value on traditionality and modesty. The daughters can't go out wearing skirts and short sleeves, etc. Here's my take:
To answer the question: it is normal, but it is not correct. It is not up to him to dictate what goes on your body. It should be your choice. It is especially prevalent in South Asian cultures like ours for a husband to dictate what his wife should wear, but he needs to realise that it isn't fair to force you to wear things you're not comfortable in. Is it your own money you're buying clothes with?
This seems a bit self-explanatory. Obviously, he's got the basics muddled up. Women and men are not the same, but they are equal. He may be right that women are judged differently but it is up to him whether he wants the opinions and judgement of those on the streets to trump the comfort of his wife. Ask him what he means by men "getting the wrong idea", does he assume that if a woman shows skin, she wants to have sex with him? Does he assume this about women on the street?
As both of you are non-religious, I don't much see the point of modesty. It sounds like he would just like to control you.
Original post by Anonymous
So girls, is it normal for a guy (specially a brown one) to ask you to dress differently???
To answer the question: it is normal, but it is not correct. It is not up to him to dictate what goes on your body. It should be your choice. It is especially prevalent in South Asian cultures like ours for a husband to dictate what his wife should wear, but he needs to realise that it isn't fair to force you to wear things you're not comfortable in. Is it your own money you're buying clothes with?
Original post by Anonymous
He says women and men are not equal, women are judged differently and doesn’t want other men looking at me and getting the wrong idea.
This seems a bit self-explanatory. Obviously, he's got the basics muddled up. Women and men are not the same, but they are equal. He may be right that women are judged differently but it is up to him whether he wants the opinions and judgement of those on the streets to trump the comfort of his wife. Ask him what he means by men "getting the wrong idea", does he assume that if a woman shows skin, she wants to have sex with him? Does he assume this about women on the street?
As both of you are non-religious, I don't much see the point of modesty. It sounds like he would just like to control you.
If my bf told me to change the way I was dressing, to be honest, I would leave him like that *snaps fingers*. No one tells me what I can and can't wear.
He's supposed to be supportive of your choices. I think you should have a conversation with him about this.
He's supposed to be supportive of your choices. I think you should have a conversation with him about this.
"the Prophet rode with his companion Al Fadl bin Abbas. A woman described as strikingly beautiful approached the Prophet to seek his guidance on some religious matters. Al Fadl began to stare at her because of her beauty.
Noting this, the Prophet Muhammad did not scold the woman for dressing immodestly or revealing her beauty. Instead, he “reached his hand backwards, catching Al Fadl’s chin, and turned his face to the other side so that he would not gaze at her”. Thus, the Prophet Muhammad once more established that the primary burden to observe hijab rests on men."
Clear statement that non-religious women (such as yourself) are under no obligation at all to dress modestly.
Noting this, the Prophet Muhammad did not scold the woman for dressing immodestly or revealing her beauty. Instead, he “reached his hand backwards, catching Al Fadl’s chin, and turned his face to the other side so that he would not gaze at her”. Thus, the Prophet Muhammad once more established that the primary burden to observe hijab rests on men."
Clear statement that non-religious women (such as yourself) are under no obligation at all to dress modestly.
Yes, it is super controlling behaviour.
He may be doing it due to insecurity, jealousy issues, family tradition, fears of malicious gossiping, an ingrained sense of "honour/izzat" from childhood, trying to appease very traditionalist relatives to avoid being disinherited or targeted for verbal abuse/something worse.
Whatever the motive, advising/asking/telling me to cover up is something that I have never tolerated in a bf or date and never will.
He may be doing it due to insecurity, jealousy issues, family tradition, fears of malicious gossiping, an ingrained sense of "honour/izzat" from childhood, trying to appease very traditionalist relatives to avoid being disinherited or targeted for verbal abuse/something worse.
Whatever the motive, advising/asking/telling me to cover up is something that I have never tolerated in a bf or date and never will.
Original post by Anonymous
"the Prophet rode with his companion Al Fadl bin Abbas. A woman described as strikingly beautiful approached the Prophet to seek his guidance on some religious matters. Al Fadl began to stare at her because of her beauty.
Noting this, the Prophet Muhammad did not scold the woman for dressing immodestly or revealing her beauty. Instead, he “reached his hand backwards, catching Al Fadl’s chin, and turned his face to the other side so that he would not gaze at her”. Thus, the Prophet Muhammad once more established that the primary burden to observe hijab rests on men."
Clear statement that non-religious women (such as yourself) are under no obligation at all to dress modestly.
Noting this, the Prophet Muhammad did not scold the woman for dressing immodestly or revealing her beauty. Instead, he “reached his hand backwards, catching Al Fadl’s chin, and turned his face to the other side so that he would not gaze at her”. Thus, the Prophet Muhammad once more established that the primary burden to observe hijab rests on men."
Clear statement that non-religious women (such as yourself) are under no obligation at all to dress modestly.
PRSOM.
Original post by Qxi.xli
If my bf told me to change the way I was dressing, to be honest, I would leave him like that *snaps fingers*. No one tells me what I can and can't wear.
He's supposed to be supportive of your choices. I think you should have a conversation with him about this.
He's supposed to be supportive of your choices. I think you should have a conversation with him about this.
What would you do after 13 years? He has mentioned it before and I have made changes (I rarely show any skin) but not being able to wear jeans!??? Is just a bit excessive to me. Or wear them long tops. I barely have any clothes that meet the criteria
Original post by Anonymous
I'm South Asian as well and while my fiance is not, he also comes from a family that places a lot of value on traditionality and modesty. The daughters can't go out wearing skirts and short sleeves, etc. Here's my take:
This seems a bit self-explanatory. Obviously, he's got the basics muddled up. Women and men are not the same, but they are equal. He may be right that women are judged differently but it is up to him whether he wants the opinions and judgement of those on the streets to trump the comfort of his wife. Ask him what he means by men "getting the wrong idea", does he assume that if a woman shows skin, she wants to have sex with him? Does he assume this about women on the street?
As both of you are non-religious, I don't much see the point of modesty. It sounds like he would just like to control you.
This seems a bit self-explanatory. Obviously, he's got the basics muddled up. Women and men are not the same, but they are equal. He may be right that women are judged differently but it is up to him whether he wants the opinions and judgement of those on the streets to trump the comfort of his wife. Ask him what he means by men "getting the wrong idea", does he assume that if a woman shows skin, she wants to have sex with him? Does he assume this about women on the street?
As both of you are non-religious, I don't much see the point of modesty. It sounds like he would just like to control you.
I buy all my clothing with my hard earned money.
He says she doesn’t look at other women like that but KNOWS for a fact other men would look at me in an inappropriate manner. He feels I am disrespecting him in front of others by dressing a certain way.
13 years a long time, I truly believe in equality and has fought most of my life speak up about inequality in south Asian culture. I want it to work where we both find a mutual ground but it seems impossible to get him to budge!
Original post by Anonymous
"the Prophet rode with his companion Al Fadl bin Abbas. A woman described as strikingly beautiful approached the Prophet to seek his guidance on some religious matters. Al Fadl began to stare at her because of her beauty.
Noting this, the Prophet Muhammad did not scold the woman for dressing immodestly or revealing her beauty. Instead, he “reached his hand backwards, catching Al Fadl’s chin, and turned his face to the other side so that he would not gaze at her”. Thus, the Prophet Muhammad once more established that the primary burden to observe hijab rests on men."
Clear statement that non-religious women (such as yourself) are under no obligation at all to dress modestly.
Noting this, the Prophet Muhammad did not scold the woman for dressing immodestly or revealing her beauty. Instead, he “reached his hand backwards, catching Al Fadl’s chin, and turned his face to the other side so that he would not gaze at her”. Thus, the Prophet Muhammad once more established that the primary burden to observe hijab rests on men."
Clear statement that non-religious women (such as yourself) are under no obligation at all to dress modestly.
He says it’s not for religious reasons, but I don’t want my friends / family being able to see your skin that is just for me.
I have seen plenty of skin in his side of the family and whenever I bring that up, he says this the expectation I have in our relationship I don’t care what others do / don’t do.
He would not see or be with me again and it would only take 30 seconds for that to happen if he said that to me
Original post by Prettyfrock
He would not see or be with me again and it would only take 30 seconds for that to happen if he said that to me
Even if you were together for 13/14 years?
Original post by Anonymous
Even if you were together for 13/14 years?
Yes no reason to assume women should be controlled in any way nowadays
Original post by Prettyfrock
Yes no reason to assume women should be controlled in any way nowadays
I just don’t know what to do
oh dear 
i mean obviously it's controlling; he's making decisions for you and you're allowing it. tough situation since it's been established now in your relationship that this is how it goes. what would happen if you asked your spouse if you could see a marriage counsellor? ngl i think you might need a mediator if you want to talk about this and figure this out.
i mean obviously it's controlling; he's making decisions for you and you're allowing it. tough situation since it's been established now in your relationship that this is how it goes. what would happen if you asked your spouse if you could see a marriage counsellor? ngl i think you might need a mediator if you want to talk about this and figure this out.
Original post by Anonymous
I just don’t know what to do
You can pm me if you want to talk
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