Dysfunctional family

Another day another thread of someone in a toxic family, hi there. Anyone got any tips on moving out? I'm planning to do so in a few months, with a friend whos also got toxic parents.

I extremely value my Mental health and really need to free myself from my family, I have dealt with my trauma and have been trying to get over it as I started to acknowledge more, but in order to fully heal (ik not all of it will go away) I have to think about stepping out of my home.

(since I have toxic parents Its rubbed off on my siblings and it feels like I'm living with strangers not my family).

So please let me know ur tips and advice, thanks in advance.

Reply 1

Muttly

Work out the costs first and if you don't think you can afford it without a struggle don't do it. Work from a position of strength (which is a roof over your head) and aim at getting money together first (even though its torture) Sharing is a good option - it halves all the bills, but only if you know the person fairly well and can get on with them. Set your ground rules as to who is paying what, who shares etc etc Make sure this happens and have regular meetings to discuss house rules. Make sure your new home is a 'conflict' free zone and remind people who come through the door they will be shown the door if they kick off. The problems start when you create a lovely calm space, and every one in the family comes to visit, thinks this is nice, but then bring their behavioural conflicts with them. Protect your space. You could always look for someone looking for maybe an older person looking for a lodger to fill a room if you are desperate. Think about personal safety and always tell someone of your plans to visit - hard copy addresses/names/phone numbers and what time you expect to leave afterwards to someone who will listen out for your safe return (& act if you don't make contact )

If you look at getting a job first - so you have an income stream. Then save because you need a deposit if you are renting. You should aim to get 5 or 6 weeks rent around £1500 saved for a deposit for a private landlord which will be payable into a registered deposit scheme. Some landlords do credit checks and background reference checks.

Does your rent include Gas, Electric, Water rates, Council tax - work out the costs for each of these

You will need food, removal costs (friend with a van or car) Depending if your accommodation is furnished or unfurnished - a a bed (& bedding) curtains or a blind, cleaning products, food. If it unfurnished you would need somewhere to sit and chill out, maybe a washing machine, a fridge. TV licence, broadband costs later down the line?

All the below need informing

The bank
Your employer
The DVLA
Your doctor
Your dentist
National Insurance
The local council

The best advice I can give is to put up with a lot of the pish that happens in families. Get your headspace with headphones. Block out the toxic family noise and practice 'zoning out'. Use your free time to have this moving out as your emotional escape tunnel. You can forever dream, imagine where you would like to be, and drift away, knowing that one day it will happen. Plan and apply for jobs, look at education courses. Make good use of your time rather than sit in and get tortured. Work as hard as you can while you can (without jeopardising studies) and save as much as you can. Then reconsider.

Reply 2

Multichameleon

Hi, Hope you ok. I’ve got dv/toxic, dysfunctional family as well. I’ve called napac before they are good also domestic abuse helpline, women’s aid or refuge if safety/violence issues.
If there is violence, safeguarding issues you could contact the council may be able to house you. Also a man or woman’s Centre. Also the police but it can depend if help but good to be logged. Otherwise try & save, maybe get on a course so can get student discounts & free council tax. If need an injunction ncdv or similar. Citizens advice or other legal help. Look on Twitter too can find things. Good luck. Get passport, documents, cards etc in case need to escape. Maybe open a P.O. Box address. Good luck I know how hard it can be