New to dating and don’t know if I’m being used

So long story short I started uni this year (21f). I’ve had a pretty awful time if i’m honest, mainly due to struggling socially and not enjoying my course. I met a guy and we went on 4 dates, the last one involved intimacy. However, he is very slow to reply online (sometimes more than 24hrs) and is genuinely a very busy guy it seems. Also quite disorganised. I have fun when we’re together in person but because of uni holidays and his slow communication it feels like its lacking momentum. I really like him but we haven’t had any particularly deep chats. I’m sensitive and quite a deep person, I’m not sure he is particularly, or he’s hiding it. Is it fair to ask him next term about exclusivity, or if he’s seeing anyone else? Because I’ve known him for about 6 weeks now and we’ve slept together the fact we send a snapchat a day if that and haven’t spoken about where the relationship is going hurts a bit. I told him early on I dont want casual, he said he didnt see the point in casual either but that he is also busy. Is it a problem with me or him?

Some people just aren't good at communicating over text. He's likely one of them. You say things go well in person so just hit him up more regularly with invites to meet up.

(edited 1 year ago)

These are all things you just need to communicate. Yes, most certainly ask about exclusivity at this stage. It can be very easy for communication to take a back seat when you're apart, but the answer may be to meet more regularly. Ultimately if you're not compatible with him or the relationship isn't meeting your needs it might be time to move on, but it doesn't sound like you're at that stage yet. If you enjoy being with him it sounds like it's worth the effort to make the rest of the relationship work for you.

Reply 3

username5928992

14

Okay, there’s a few things I’d like to add, take it or leave it :smile:

Communication is everything. Tell him you’d like to see him more, and you feel that sometimes he could make time for with the hope of a relationship eventually. I think definitely communicate and talk to him about it, however..
I think at the moment, you’re falling into the ‘obsession’ category, which I’m conscious sometimes comes off the wrong way, so please allow me to explain. What I mean by that, is that you’re typically the one making effort, you’re the one with the hope of it progressing; and you’re fitting more into the ‘chaser’ role.

Before everyone jumps on this next point, as I’m aware it’s slightly controversial - you’re entitled to your opinions, it’s just my take. Men typically fit more into wanting to care for their partner/lady, and provide for her (I don’t necessarily mean financial, either). Which means, especially during dating, women are seen as the prize, or the ‘’thing’’ desired. So, what I’ve usually seen, is when women are the ones making all the effort, the man tends to sit back, and notices that they don’t have to put the work in to ‘’win you over’’, because you’re doing it all for them. So, it creates an unhealthy cycle of relationship, and you’re stuck in the ‘chaser’ role of ‘am I being used?’

So, what I’d advise, is slipping back a little. Maybe not texting him when you ordinarily might have; and wait for him to text first. Little things like that, that encourage him to put effort into you. Don’t go totally blank on him, either, though. You’re encouraging him to put effort, not giving him the cold shoulder.

That’s my 50 cents :smile:

Reply 4

Dunnig Kruger

16

Original post by Anonymous

So long story short I started uni this year (21f). I’ve had a pretty awful time if i’m honest, mainly due to struggling socially and not enjoying my course. I met a guy and we went on 4 dates, the last one involved intimacy. However, he is very slow to reply online (sometimes more than 24hrs) and is genuinely a very busy guy it seems. Also quite disorganised. I have fun when we’re together in person but because of uni holidays and his slow communication it feels like its lacking momentum. I really like him but we haven’t had any particularly deep chats. I’m sensitive and quite a deep person, I’m not sure he is particularly, or he’s hiding it. Is it fair to ask him next term about exclusivity, or if he’s seeing anyone else? Because I’ve known him for about 6 weeks now and we’ve slept together the fact we send a snapchat a day if that and haven’t spoken about where the relationship is going hurts a bit. I told him early on I dont want casual, he said he didnt see the point in casual either but that he is also busy. Is it a problem with me or him?

Keep putting yourself out there. Keep socialising. Keep working on your social skills. Don't stay in the same cliques. All whilst keeping up with lectures and assignments.

When you come across a guy that you prefer to the one you've slept with, go with the new guy.
Don't cling on to the guy you've slept with. Keep an open mind. He might step up his game. Or he might not.

Don't beat yourself up if Mr Cherry Popper turns out to be a wrong 'un. You're still very much learning about men. How to read them. How to evaluate them. How to pick the right sort of man for you.

Don't ask about exclusivity. Value your freedom very highly. You going exclusive with a guy is something that the guy has to fully earn and deserve from you.