hard time with gender and sexuality stuff

I prefer guys, but I can't stop myself from wishing I were attracted to girls because if I were to have a girlfriend rather than a boyfriend, I wouldn't feel less masculine in the relationship... It's a bad way of thinking, I know... Even before I realized I was transgender, I tried to convince myself I liked girls so at the very least I wouldn't be stuck in a more feminine role than my partner.

I just wish all of this could go away, and I could just live normally and carefree like everyone else when it comes to these things. I want to open my heart to whoever I come to love, but I'm so disgusted by myself that I don't even know what I want anymore. I can't take it when a guy tries to make advances on me because I feel deep down that he sees me as anything and everything but a boy. I know that may not be the case in reality, but I have trapped myself with my own thoughts and I struggle to imagine a realistic scenario where I would feel okay.

I don't know why I'm even writing this, since I've almost entirely stopped talking to my family about these things. I don't know what talking even helps with... It just seems to resurface all my pent up worries that I've been trying so hard to ignore. I hope I'm not seeing the bigger picture, because I've taken the advice given to me: don't focus on the things I cannot control. Yet, at the same time, people tell me it's unhealthy to suppress your feelings and struggles. so what should I do then? I don't expect anyone to be able to answer that for me, not sure if anyone could ever give me an answer I really agree with either.

Maybe someone can relate to me, but I hope not because It doesn't make me feel all that happy to know there are people who feel as down about this as I am. Still, if you do, or maybe you have your own thoughts or experience you want to share, then I'd really appreciate your response. Sorry for this long and negative text wall, I'll probably feel better in the morning and regret writing this until it gets this bad in a few weeks again, haha

Reply 1

illegallylexi

Original post by /╲/╭(•‿•)╮/╱

I’ve found in past that surprising such thoughts simply makes them resurface later, and honestly i doubt that will change. The best thing you can do for yourself is accept it and not try to make yourself something you aren’t. You don’t have to come out to anyone as anything but burying it does not help. I buried the fact i was a trans female for a good two years before finally accepting it and i’ve only been happier since, trust me, just maybe try imagining you were in a relationship with a girl and see how you feel with it.

And don’t feel that your sexuality makes you less masculine (from what i’ve read i think you’re ftm). Sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with your gender, and how others should see it. If anyone sees you as not male (if you’re ftm) because of your sexuality, you need to either explain this to them or completely avoid contact with them.