The Student Room Group

Do i break up with my boyfriend or wait?

So..
i’ve been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for just over 2 years. we live in different countries but they are not far apart. we have met twice and both times were very great. This past 6 months my boyfriend doesn’t pay much attention for me, for example: his replies are normally anywhere from 2-6 hours, which i don’t mind if he is busy but i do reply pretty much instantly and he never tells me if he’s going to be busy or what he’s doing to be doing with his day. i feel unimportant and not worth his time. I have talked to him about this many times and nothing changes, he apologises and calls me harsh and then we move on. We call for around 2 hours at night and the majority of this time he isn’t paying attention to me and doing something different. I’ve tried to fix things but i don’t think he sees anything wrong and is happy with the relationship being this way. i think i’ve been slowly detaching myself from the relationship and have got to a point where i’m not as bothered by things which have impacted how i feel about the relationship and him. I don’t know if i love him anymore or if it’s the attachment i have to him. I don’t want to break up with him and regret it.
any advice?
Reply 1
I’d knock it on the head and look for something a bit closer to home
I'm going to be replying to this chronologically and tell you my thoughts as I read on. Meeting twice over two years is quite a small amount, perhaps it might be worth meeting again to see how you feel about him. I feel like calling you harsh is not nice as you are trying to communicate, from what it sounds like, he isn't ready for a relationship if he cannot communicate in a mature manner. With him not seeing anything wrong shows that his idea of a relationship if for it to be like that, so if you have a different idea on what a relationship should be, you should definitely have a serious talk about it and end things if he carries on. If you allow him to carry on with how he is treating you, it's going to take a toll. I was in a similar situation with a boyfriend I had and it's good that you are slowly detaching yourself from him. With me it took him to say something out of order for me to break things off, however you shouldn't let things come to this point. Based on what it sounds like, it's just the attachment you have to him. With the idea of breaking up with him and regretting it, what is it that you will miss? The feeling of being in a relationship or the relationship you had? I'm not going to sugarcoat it, but you will probably regret it short-term however long-term you are going to feel so much better. It's not worth being in a relationship that you don't enjoy, if it's meant to be, he may come back and ask to get together again, but make sure you leave if he just continues as normal. This decision is completely up to you, however I would end the relationship and continue the friendship.
Original post by amories
So..
i’ve been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for just over 2 years. we live in different countries but they are not far apart. we have met twice and both times were very great. This past 6 months my boyfriend doesn’t pay much attention for me, for example: his replies are normally anywhere from 2-6 hours, which i don’t mind if he is busy but i do reply pretty much instantly and he never tells me if he’s going to be busy or what he’s doing to be doing with his day. i feel unimportant and not worth his time. I have talked to him about this many times and nothing changes, he apologises and calls me harsh and then we move on. We call for around 2 hours at night and the majority of this time he isn’t paying attention to me and doing something different. I’ve tried to fix things but i don’t think he sees anything wrong and is happy with the relationship being this way. i think i’ve been slowly detaching myself from the relationship and have got to a point where i’m not as bothered by things which have impacted how i feel about the relationship and him. I don’t know if i love him anymore or if it’s the attachment i have to him. I don’t want to break up with him and regret it.
any advice?
Reply 3
So what's the plan for the near future? Will you meet up more, live together, and what's the timescale?
Reply 4
Original post by danisreallycool
I'm going to be replying to this chronologically and tell you my thoughts as I read on. Meeting twice over two years is quite a small amount, perhaps it might be worth meeting again to see how you feel about him. I feel like calling you harsh is not nice as you are trying to communicate, from what it sounds like, he isn't ready for a relationship if he cannot communicate in a mature manner. With him not seeing anything wrong shows that his idea of a relationship if for it to be like that, so if you have a different idea on what a relationship should be, you should definitely have a serious talk about it and end things if he carries on. If you allow him to carry on with how he is treating you, it's going to take a toll. I was in a similar situation with a boyfriend I had and it's good that you are slowly detaching yourself from him. With me it took him to say something out of order for me to break things off, however you shouldn't let things come to this point. Based on what it sounds like, it's just the attachment you have to him. With the idea of breaking up with him and regretting it, what is it that you will miss? The feeling of being in a relationship or the relationship you had? I'm not going to sugarcoat it, but you will probably regret it short-term however long-term you are going to feel so much better. It's not worth being in a relationship that you don't enjoy, if it's meant to be, he may come back and ask to get together again, but make sure you leave if he just continues as normal. This decision is completely up to you, however I would end the relationship and continue the friendship.


Thank u for ur reply.
I agree entirely. the only thing is i know he “loves” me in his own way but that isn’t enough considering how he acts when we aren’t with each other psychically, when we did meet it was completely different and it couldn’t have been better, however we aren’t going to be able to permanently be with each other for quite a few years. I could’ve seen it working in the past, but now after all the trying i did i’m not that bothered to see him again and that should say something itself.. so there is no plan for a next meet up and he has asked when we will see eachother next, which does show he has interest still. but like i said it isn’t enough, he’s barely been there for 6 whole months and i think my feelings have been slowly starting to go and that’s why my interest isn’t what it was before. I agree that it’s more of an attachment i have now, and i am most likely going to regret it (if i do break up with him) for a short time like you said, i think that is mostly because i will regret making him upset. I also don’t know how to start the conversation again because when we do talk for the tiny amount of time it seems as everything is normal and i don’t want it to be so random, like “oh yeah we barely talk i want to break up” kinda thing, I’m bad with these things.
Reply 5
Original post by Surnia
So what's the plan for the near future? Will you meet up more, live together, and what's the timescale?

There’s no plan for anything really, we don’t talk a lot so there’s not much time to talk about these things. Meeting up in a few months has been brought up but nothing set in stone.. It would be a long time i think before there was any plans to live together
Reply 6
Original post by amories
There’s no plan for anything really, we don’t talk a lot so there’s not much time to talk about these things. Meeting up in a few months has been brought up but nothing set in stone.. It would be a long time i think before there was any plans to live together

But you're calling it a relationship? Why?

Cut your losses and move on...
Original post by amories
Thank u for ur reply.
I agree entirely. the only thing is i know he “loves” me in his own way but that isn’t enough considering how he acts when we aren’t with each other psychically, when we did meet it was completely different and it couldn’t have been better, however we aren’t going to be able to permanently be with each other for quite a few years. I could’ve seen it working in the past, but now after all the trying i did i’m not that bothered to see him again and that should say something itself.. so there is no plan for a next meet up and he has asked when we will see eachother next, which does show he has interest still. but like i said it isn’t enough, he’s barely been there for 6 whole months and i think my feelings have been slowly starting to go and that’s why my interest isn’t what it was before. I agree that it’s more of an attachment i have now, and i am most likely going to regret it (if i do break up with him) for a short time like you said, i think that is mostly because i will regret making him upset. I also don’t know how to start the conversation again because when we do talk for the tiny amount of time it seems as everything is normal and i don’t want it to be so random, like “oh yeah we barely talk i want to break up” kinda thing, I’m bad with these things.


You may love each other romantically, but a relationship may not be for the both of you. When you say that you could've seen it working in the past raises red flags already, and if you're unhappy, you should leave. It seems like you are putting in a lot of effort, but he isn't putting in much back - perhaps he might have a lot on his shoulders (exams? family issues?) but if everything is fine, then this probably isn't a relationship you would want to be in. When he asks when you are meeting next, is it him planning to make the journey? Red flags if not. Please look at your feelings and evaluate whether you love him or the idea of him/a previous version of him - if he treated you like that in the beginning, would you have a relationship now? People will get upset over breakups, but it'll only get worse if you prolong it. I recently broke up with someone and the mental-block before doing it was 100x worse than the feeling after I actually did it. It doesn't really have to be a conversation, just send the text to him. I would try to hide the breakup reasons and say it's because your ways of loving don't mix and how he's a great person who you love but cannot love in the way he desires and vice-versa. The text doesn't have to be perfect, as long as there is the gist that he isn't able to have a relationship with you because his way of loving doesn't match your love language. It can be quite short and snappy too, "Hey, I've been thinking about our relationship for a while. I feel that we have different love languages and what you consider to be showing your love doesn't make me feel loved and vice-versa. This relationship has been great, however, I think it's time for us to part ways in order to achieve our goals. I would love to hear your opinion, but at the minute, this relationship isn't working for me and something would have to change." I feel something along these lines would open the opportunity to have a relationship in the future and have him talk seriously about your relationship.
Original post by amories
So..
i’ve been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for just over 2 years. we live in different countries but they are not far apart. we have met twice and both times were very great. This past 6 months my boyfriend doesn’t pay much attention for me, for example: his replies are normally anywhere from 2-6 hours, which i don’t mind if he is busy but i do reply pretty much instantly and he never tells me if he’s going to be busy or what he’s doing to be doing with his day. i feel unimportant and not worth his time. I have talked to him about this many times and nothing changes, he apologises and calls me harsh and then we move on. We call for around 2 hours at night and the majority of this time he isn’t paying attention to me and doing something different. I’ve tried to fix things but i don’t think he sees anything wrong and is happy with the relationship being this way. i think i’ve been slowly detaching myself from the relationship and have got to a point where i’m not as bothered by things which have impacted how i feel about the relationship and him. I don’t know if i love him anymore or if it’s the attachment i have to him. I don’t want to break up with him and regret it.
any advice?


Honestly give it up and find someone closer to you
Reply 9
Find someone closer, long distance does not work which is the reality as much as people may say it does it doesn't.
(edited 9 months ago)
You’ve met twice. I’m sorry but that’s not a relationship, even people that don’t like each other meet up more often than that. Sounds like he’s getting bored of you and whatever this situation is and I can’t say I blame him…most people would get fed up if they barely saw their partner and were in a different country all the time. Just break up and find someone who isn’t long distance.
(edited 9 months ago)

Quick Reply

Latest

Trending

Trending