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I've cheated on my boyfriend at uni and wracked with guilt

I did the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do when I went to uni I ended up cheating on my boyfriend of a year it all happened so fast the whole thing I just feel so guilty at what I've done never done anything like that, any advice on what I should do from here?

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- three pieces of advice:

1.

Don't do it again.

2.

Forgive yourself

3.

Remind yourself that if you don't stick to. no 1 you'll be miserable. Because you sound like someone sensitive who made a mistake and will end up hating yourself if you do it again - and possibly lonely too.

Original post by Anonymous
I did the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do when I went to uni I ended up cheating on my boyfriend of a year it all happened so fast the whole thing I just feel so guilty at what I've done never done anything like that, any advice on what I should do from here?

Just sit and feel wracked with guilt for a while I guess, that's how you learn. It's kind of like 'The Stove Is Hot' but for brains.
24yr guy who's been in a 4 yr long term relationship replying here (although now single)….few things.

This may seem harsh but I think its the best course of action. I'll give it to you straight. Its an unbiased response. What you've done has happened...what you do next is important. Think about it like your older brother or dad saying this to you.

In my opinion cheating in a happy committed healthy relationship….shouldn’t happen full stop. In fact the thought shouldn’t really even cross your mind. I can drink a lot of booze and still know what I am doing. I can be dizzy drunk and still know I’m about to kiss someone (or maybe as a girl be in the situation where you ALLOW that to happen).

Some points to consider:
1 - what did you do exactly? if you were on a night out and kissed someone when really drunk for example thats one thing...if you slept with someone thats another dimension.
2 - it will mess the guy up and most probably your relationship...cheaters aren't worth it (talking from personal experience). Even if you tell him things won’t be the same. I have been there, forgave and gave another chance…if I'm ever in the situation again its a "over my dead body" and its over.

Best thing to do... be honest. If you slept with someone, tell your boyfriend and do the RIGHT thing and step away from the relationship he doesn't deserve it. You haven't mentioned your age but Im assuming your 18-20. Assuming he is similar age you both don't know what is actually better in the long term. Stick your head in the sand and figure out what you want...from whats happened it’s probably to be single. And thats okay. You are very young and honestly its probably better to be single anyway at your age. If you only kissed someone tell him and see what happens - your mileage might vary. Expect anger, upset/crying, hatred, resent...etc. Like if the guy really cares he will be really hurt.

Equally if you were a guy saying this…I’d also say> just end it with the girl she doesn’t deserve that.

People saying “forgive yourself” “don’t do it again” stick your head in the sand too please.

Yes of course forgive yourself. You are a human, you have feelings emotions urges etc. You made a “mistake” or whatever you want to call it. Well no you just wanted to do it and you did. That’s totally okay. But hiding something like that from your boyfriend is horrible. Especially considering he probably loves you and I would hope is faithful to you.
Well you obviously tell him so he breaks up with you. It's usually not a good idea to go to uni with a partner from before because most of those relationships end up crumbling while each person is off at uni meeting so many new people.
(edited 6 months ago)
Original post by Anonymous
I did the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do when I went to uni I ended up cheating on my boyfriend of a year it all happened so fast the whole thing I just feel so guilty at what I've done never done anything like that, any advice on what I should do from here?


Be honest, tell the truth if he breaks up with you you won’t live with guilt although you hide it you will because your hurting yourself and cheating yourself by not allowing your boyfriend to be free “once a cheat always a cheat”
Original post by saudibabe24
- three pieces of advice:

1.

Don't do it again.

2.

Forgive yourself

3.

Remind yourself that if you don't stick to. no 1 you'll be miserable. Because you sound like someone sensitive who made a mistake and will end up hating yourself if you do it again - and possibly lonely too.



Do all of this and tell him. It's likely he'll dump you. Don't try to guilt him and let him feel however he has to feel. You did what you did and he gets to do what he's going to do.

Can you imagine if you did this and never told him, then tried to rationalize it? That would make you a much worse person.
Reply 7
Original post by Anonymous
24yr guy who's been in a 4 yr long term relationship replying here (although now single)….few things.

This may seem harsh but I think its the best course of action. I'll give it to you straight. Its an unbiased response. What you've done has happened...what you do next is important. Think about it like your older brother or dad saying this to you.

In my opinion cheating in a happy committed healthy relationship….shouldn’t happen full stop. In fact the thought shouldn’t really even cross your mind. I can drink a lot of booze and still know what I am doing. I can be dizzy drunk and still know I’m about to kiss someone (or maybe as a girl be in the situation where you ALLOW that to happen).

Some points to consider:
1 - what did you do exactly? if you were on a night out and kissed someone when really drunk for example thats one thing...if you slept with someone thats another dimension.
2 - it will mess the guy up and most probably your relationship...cheaters aren't worth it (talking from personal experience). Even if you tell him things won’t be the same. I have been there, forgave and gave another chance…if I'm ever in the situation again its a "over my dead body" and its over.

Best thing to do... be honest. If you slept with someone, tell your boyfriend and do the RIGHT thing and step away from the relationship he doesn't deserve it. You haven't mentioned your age but Im assuming your 18-20. Assuming he is similar age you both don't know what is actually better in the long term. Stick your head in the sand and figure out what you want...from whats happened it’s probably to be single. And thats okay. You are very young and honestly its probably better to be single anyway at your age. If you only kissed someone tell him and see what happens - your mileage might vary. Expect anger, upset/crying, hatred, resent...etc. Like if the guy really cares he will be really hurt.

Equally if you were a guy saying this…I’d also say> just end it with the girl she doesn’t deserve that.

People saying “forgive yourself” “don’t do it again” stick your head in the sand too please.

Yes of course forgive yourself. You are a human, you have feelings emotions urges etc. You made a “mistake” or whatever you want to call it. Well no you just wanted to do it and you did. That’s totally okay. But hiding something like that from your boyfriend is horrible. Especially considering he probably loves you and I would hope is faithful to you.

It was a night out and I got really drunk and had sex with a guy, I'm 18
Original post by Anonymous
It was a night out and I got really drunk and had sex with a guy, I'm 18

Appreciate your honesty.
There is nothing wrong with doing that - you can do whatever you like and I in fact encourage it.
But it needs to be out of a relationship, not while you're in one.
I think you know what you need to do from all the replies here...good luck.
Don't hate yourself, don't blame yourself, its okay. But just remember relationships need to mean something.
Original post by Anonymous
It was a night out and I got really drunk and had sex with a guy, I'm 18

No offence you have a man, or had in this instance being a night out and possibly knowing you’ll be having so much pints you then had *** with a guy albeit you know you had a boyfriend yeah speak the truth and face reality whatever happens happens but it’s beyond damage limitation already as it is.
Original post by Anonymous
I did the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do when I went to uni I ended up cheating on my boyfriend of a year it all happened so fast the whole thing I just feel so guilty at what I've done never done anything like that, any advice on what I should do from here?

I did the same thing. I felt awful after and still am hating myself for it. The best thing you can do is tell him. I didn't at first and it made the whole thing worse.
I got very lucky. He found out, we discussed things and he managed to forgive me and were working on it, as it was due to a huge misunderstanding.

Obviously, I don't know your circumstances. But be honest, maybe it can be worked through (it'll be one of the hardest things you do in your relationship) or you'll separate, if that's what's best for him. Trying to hide it and not tell him, even if it's to protect him, is a selfish thing to do and he deserves to know the complete truth. He'll value that more than anything, even if you break his heart and the relationship ends.
Plus, you'd be able to walk away knowing you did what's best for him. You'll feel guilty for a long time, but at least you can walk away knowing you did the right thing after doing something wrong.
I can promise it'll get easier, but put him first and talk to him about it.
Original post by Anonymous
I did the same thing. I felt awful after and still am hating myself for it. The best thing you can do is tell him. I didn't at first and it made the whole thing worse.
I got very lucky. He found out, we discussed things and he managed to forgive me and were working on it, as it was due to a huge misunderstanding.


Did you misunderstand what genitalia were? It happens and I empathize. I once thought I was driving my car to the grocery store and, in fact, was just running through town with my junk out like an anatomically correct Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
Original post by Anonymous
I did the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do when I went to uni I ended up cheating on my boyfriend of a year it all happened so fast the whole thing I just feel so guilty at what I've done never done anything like that, any advice on what I should do from here?

You need to be honest with your boyfriend and let him know what you've done !! And don't be hurt if he wants to break up with you. You'll only feel more guilty if you don't and things like this always come out in the end
Original post by ThatOldGuy
Did you misunderstand what genitalia were? It happens and I empathize. I once thought I was driving my car to the grocery store and, in fact, was just running through town with my junk out like an anatomically correct Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

A misunderstanding on where we were in the relationship due to a lack of communication from both parties.
Original post by Anonymous
A misunderstanding on where we were in the relationship due to a lack of communication from both parties.


"We were on a break!" - Ross.
Original post by ThatOldGuy
"We were on a break!" - Ross.

It actually is a Ross and Rachel moment and I wish I was joking
Reply 16
keep doing it until it feels like a way of life...the guilt will pass. :smile: Cant feel bad about all of them!
Original post by Anonymous
It actually is a Ross and Rachel moment and I wish I was joking


I'm mostly joking around. Honestly, if you're the Ross type of being together, then apart, then together again? You should break up. It's not healthy for either of you and will result in a real toxicity in your relationship. It means one or both of you are really immature and engaging in brinkmanship.

"Fine! If you won't X, then we're broken up!" is the sign that you shouldn't be in a relationship with that person.
Reply 18
TELL HIM. Sleeping with someone isnt just one mistake, it’s a load of little mistakes. It starts with flirting, getting close, kissing, going somewhere, taking off your clothes.. every step is cheating. It’s bad from the get go. This isnt a mistake it’s a regret. How he decides to go from there is his call.

However, forgive yourself and work on yourself. Once a cheater always a cheater isnt always true, some people can mature. Reflect on this to be a better partner
Reply 19
Maybe it’s a sign you need to break up. If not, I suppose it’s a do as you would be done by situation

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