Struggling with balancing a-levels and relationships
Hi! So I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now, we starting dating in the summer of 2022 and it was amazing, i really fell hard for him and we were doing everything together, i never had a bad thing to say about him. On approaching my last year of a-levels i felt so much more stressed, i was in the library a lot and revising at home, i was not really going out anymore. I also have to make my way to my sixth form by myself on the train (which is an hour ride) so I have to work at the weekends to which is already stressful enough.
Honestly i have not been able to see my boyfriend so much, probably like once every two weeks, but we text everyday! It's just I've been so stressed recently and I haven't been able to make time for seeing people I don't already see in sixth form (he doesn't go to the same sixth form as me). We don't even live close to each other, so travelling to see him is becoming a bit of a pain, and expensive!
But the problem started when I would take a bit longer to message him back, probably wouldn't answer his messages for a few hours, and he would get so mad. He wouldn't tell ME he was mad but he would tell all of his friends. Now these friends are mine too, but he has told these people that I actively 'ignore him' and I'm not coming to see him and when he goes out with our friends he starts to cry and they feel bad for him, obviously. But these friends go to my sixth form and some of them are in my classes and we get along really well and it's becoming increasingly awkward since they purposely ignore me and give me dirty looks ever since my boyfriend has been saying these bad things about me while being drunk.
My boyfriend even does the same thing to his friends and then when he asks me to come out with his friends i feel really awkward because he has constantly **** talked about me to them how he doesn't think i love him anymore! Which i have never said.
I've told my boyfriend numerous times that I'm sorry I'm not being so active with messaging you it's just I'm really tressed with a-levels atm!
Another thing: my boyfriend does not take a-levels, he's always like, well your exam is in a few days u can just stay at my house and we can go to the pub and drink as a little break! Which is nice, he's trying to tell me to take a break but i simply cant go all the way into london and drink which would take away 2 vital days of revision!
It just really upsets me how he talks so much **** about me to his and my friends and then expects me to come out with them all the time... and when i say i don't really feel comfortable... he begins to become really sad and purposely makes me feel bad.
Honestly im exhausted with this relationship, but will it get better once i finish my a-levels and im able to see him all the time in the summer like last year, or am i getting confused with the honeymoon phase??
I don't want to break up with him because he's honestly such a kind person and I've never met another guy as kind as him, but I don't know if the bad things he does weighs down all the good things he does?
Any advice?
Honestly i have not been able to see my boyfriend so much, probably like once every two weeks, but we text everyday! It's just I've been so stressed recently and I haven't been able to make time for seeing people I don't already see in sixth form (he doesn't go to the same sixth form as me). We don't even live close to each other, so travelling to see him is becoming a bit of a pain, and expensive!
But the problem started when I would take a bit longer to message him back, probably wouldn't answer his messages for a few hours, and he would get so mad. He wouldn't tell ME he was mad but he would tell all of his friends. Now these friends are mine too, but he has told these people that I actively 'ignore him' and I'm not coming to see him and when he goes out with our friends he starts to cry and they feel bad for him, obviously. But these friends go to my sixth form and some of them are in my classes and we get along really well and it's becoming increasingly awkward since they purposely ignore me and give me dirty looks ever since my boyfriend has been saying these bad things about me while being drunk.
My boyfriend even does the same thing to his friends and then when he asks me to come out with his friends i feel really awkward because he has constantly **** talked about me to them how he doesn't think i love him anymore! Which i have never said.
I've told my boyfriend numerous times that I'm sorry I'm not being so active with messaging you it's just I'm really tressed with a-levels atm!
Another thing: my boyfriend does not take a-levels, he's always like, well your exam is in a few days u can just stay at my house and we can go to the pub and drink as a little break! Which is nice, he's trying to tell me to take a break but i simply cant go all the way into london and drink which would take away 2 vital days of revision!
It just really upsets me how he talks so much **** about me to his and my friends and then expects me to come out with them all the time... and when i say i don't really feel comfortable... he begins to become really sad and purposely makes me feel bad.
Honestly im exhausted with this relationship, but will it get better once i finish my a-levels and im able to see him all the time in the summer like last year, or am i getting confused with the honeymoon phase??
I don't want to break up with him because he's honestly such a kind person and I've never met another guy as kind as him, but I don't know if the bad things he does weighs down all the good things he does?
Any advice?
TBH if my partner did that I would break up with them on the spot.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi! So I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now, we starting dating in the summer of 2022 and it was amazing, i really fell hard for him and we were doing everything together, i never had a bad thing to say about him. On approaching my last year of a-levels i felt so much more stressed, i was in the library a lot and revising at home, i was not really going out anymore. I also have to make my way to my sixth form by myself on the train (which is an hour ride) so I have to work at the weekends to which is already stressful enough.
Honestly i have not been able to see my boyfriend so much, probably like once every two weeks, but we text everyday! It's just I've been so stressed recently and I haven't been able to make time for seeing people I don't already see in sixth form (he doesn't go to the same sixth form as me). We don't even live close to each other, so travelling to see him is becoming a bit of a pain, and expensive!
But the problem started when I would take a bit longer to message him back, probably wouldn't answer his messages for a few hours, and he would get so mad. He wouldn't tell ME he was mad but he would tell all of his friends. Now these friends are mine too, but he has told these people that I actively 'ignore him' and I'm not coming to see him and when he goes out with our friends he starts to cry and they feel bad for him, obviously. But these friends go to my sixth form and some of them are in my classes and we get along really well and it's becoming increasingly awkward since they purposely ignore me and give me dirty looks ever since my boyfriend has been saying these bad things about me while being drunk.
My boyfriend even does the same thing to his friends and then when he asks me to come out with his friends i feel really awkward because he has constantly **** talked about me to them how he doesn't think i love him anymore! Which i have never said.
I've told my boyfriend numerous times that I'm sorry I'm not being so active with messaging you it's just I'm really tressed with a-levels atm!
Another thing: my boyfriend does not take a-levels, he's always like, well your exam is in a few days u can just stay at my house and we can go to the pub and drink as a little break! Which is nice, he's trying to tell me to take a break but i simply cant go all the way into london and drink which would take away 2 vital days of revision!
It just really upsets me how he talks so much **** about me to his and my friends and then expects me to come out with them all the time... and when i say i don't really feel comfortable... he begins to become really sad and purposely makes me feel bad.
Honestly im exhausted with this relationship, but will it get better once i finish my a-levels and im able to see him all the time in the summer like last year, or am i getting confused with the honeymoon phase??
I don't want to break up with him because he's honestly such a kind person and I've never met another guy as kind as him, but I don't know if the bad things he does weighs down all the good things he does?
Any advice?
Honestly i have not been able to see my boyfriend so much, probably like once every two weeks, but we text everyday! It's just I've been so stressed recently and I haven't been able to make time for seeing people I don't already see in sixth form (he doesn't go to the same sixth form as me). We don't even live close to each other, so travelling to see him is becoming a bit of a pain, and expensive!
But the problem started when I would take a bit longer to message him back, probably wouldn't answer his messages for a few hours, and he would get so mad. He wouldn't tell ME he was mad but he would tell all of his friends. Now these friends are mine too, but he has told these people that I actively 'ignore him' and I'm not coming to see him and when he goes out with our friends he starts to cry and they feel bad for him, obviously. But these friends go to my sixth form and some of them are in my classes and we get along really well and it's becoming increasingly awkward since they purposely ignore me and give me dirty looks ever since my boyfriend has been saying these bad things about me while being drunk.
My boyfriend even does the same thing to his friends and then when he asks me to come out with his friends i feel really awkward because he has constantly **** talked about me to them how he doesn't think i love him anymore! Which i have never said.
I've told my boyfriend numerous times that I'm sorry I'm not being so active with messaging you it's just I'm really tressed with a-levels atm!
Another thing: my boyfriend does not take a-levels, he's always like, well your exam is in a few days u can just stay at my house and we can go to the pub and drink as a little break! Which is nice, he's trying to tell me to take a break but i simply cant go all the way into london and drink which would take away 2 vital days of revision!
It just really upsets me how he talks so much **** about me to his and my friends and then expects me to come out with them all the time... and when i say i don't really feel comfortable... he begins to become really sad and purposely makes me feel bad.
Honestly im exhausted with this relationship, but will it get better once i finish my a-levels and im able to see him all the time in the summer like last year, or am i getting confused with the honeymoon phase??
I don't want to break up with him because he's honestly such a kind person and I've never met another guy as kind as him, but I don't know if the bad things he does weighs down all the good things he does?
Any advice?
tbh communication is a very important part in a relationship and hes clearly not doing that w u.. and going straight to your mutual friends without trying to talk it out w u first. I think you should rly have a serious talk w him and make him understand your side of the story as a lvls are super important rn and i do agree that it should be your priority. If he cannot support u throughout a lvls it would concern me a bit…as there will be harder times and more important exams in the future.
Original post by vapordave
TBH if my partner did that I would break up with them on the spot.
Yeah a few people have said to me !! Maybe i need to re-evaluate my thoughts...
Original post by Anonymous
he's honestly such a kind person and I've never met another guy as kind as him
Sorry, am I missing something? I've reread your post several times and can't see the part about him being kind?
Seriously, he's an immature, selfish little bully who won't change and is not worth your time. Exams are far more important at this stage of your life, they open up so many opportunities, and there's time to find a much better relationship in future. Best of luck with your A-levels!
I will preface this with two charitable assumptions: First, that you're telling the truth but of course can't include every detail (like how 'kind' he is before and after you got busy with academics). Second, that you're both broadly good but flawed people like most are – especially when it comes to being immature like he is, which is to be expected when young and handling your (first) long-term relationship.
Before leaping to a break up with him, tell him everything you just wrote in your post. If he truly is kind, when you tell him exactly how he made you feel (horrible), then he will empathise with you and sincerely apologise, then pledge to be more understanding and frankly less clingy in the future.
How do you go about this? Here's the bit by bit from your post. He must let you speak your whole piece without some 'woe-is-me' interruptions, and wait until you're done before responding. Be firm on this.
If you've already told him multiple times that you've had to temporarily prioritise A-Levels, such that you aren't able to see him and your friends, and he still takes it personally, that's on him. It seems you have though; it's quite ludicrous that he expects you to go all the way to London a few days before your exam which would subtract two days of revision.
That's certainly a strike. In any healthy relationship, you must communicate the problems you have with the other person, with them first. Then you're meant to solve the problem together – i.e. not one versus the other, but both against the problem. The ideal solution was for him to tell you he feels like you're ignoring him, that he feels lonely without you, and reassurance that you still want to be with him. And then, given that you only get one shot at good A-Level grades, you can't give ground: you are just going to have to see him less, like with everyone else – you're not singling him out. But of course, there would be reassurance that this is all temporary, that after A-Levels you'll go back to normal. Or even better, make up for all the lost time by doing something special together.
Instead you got him airing your dirty laundry to everyone else. Now if he ranted about how he's felt very apart from you to his friends that mostly don't know you, as a way of catharsis and getting comfort/advice from them, that would be one thing, and quite normal. But he painted you as malicious saying you actively 'ignore him' to your friends too, such that they treated you worse. Furthermore, it seems he only told his friends the bad parts about you, such that it's awkward when you do hang out with all of them. All of this crosses a line. If you were both older adults, that would certainly not be okay and highly immature. I only partially excuse all of this from him since teenage hormones make one act irrationally without empathy, not to mention the lack of life experience. So by telling him all this, he must learn from his mistakes and become a better person. Failure of course means you can't be with him anymore.
Given that he's sullied your reputation, he must fix it. Oddly with his friends, it's easier; just tell them how he didn't give them the full picture, that you're an awesome girlfriend, that he was feeling like s**t so naturally he only told them the bad stuff. But with your mutual friends who are giving you dirty looks, he could do the same. Logistically tough though; not like he can just show up to your sixth form class and give a big PDA to show he loves not hates you.
With all of the above, do tell him step-by-step his actions, how they made you feel, and how that's not okay, and that (if staying with him) he must fix all this. But to be honest, I think it's unlikely you'll come to this optimal resolution. Regardless, I strongly recommend doing this anyway, at least to get closure for yourself, and for him to develop empathy and mature.
Finally, in a real adult long-term relationship like marriage, this will be a constant problem: one or both partners being busy with work et al., and having less time for each other, giving rise to thoughts like "they don't love me anymore". While it sucks that you've had to experience all that from him, dealing with this now means you'll be much better equipped for this scenario in the future.
Original post by Anonymous
I don't want to break up with him because he's honestly such a kind person and I've never met another guy as kind as him, but I don't know if the bad things he does weighs down all the good things he does?
Before leaping to a break up with him, tell him everything you just wrote in your post. If he truly is kind, when you tell him exactly how he made you feel (horrible), then he will empathise with you and sincerely apologise, then pledge to be more understanding and frankly less clingy in the future.
How do you go about this? Here's the bit by bit from your post. He must let you speak your whole piece without some 'woe-is-me' interruptions, and wait until you're done before responding. Be firm on this.
Original post by Anonymous
It's just I've been so stressed recently and I haven't been able to make time for seeing people I don't already see in sixth form (he doesn't go to the same sixth form as me). […] But the problem started when I would take a bit longer to message him back, probably wouldn't answer his messages for a few hours, and he would get so mad.
If you've already told him multiple times that you've had to temporarily prioritise A-Levels, such that you aren't able to see him and your friends, and he still takes it personally, that's on him. It seems you have though; it's quite ludicrous that he expects you to go all the way to London a few days before your exam which would subtract two days of revision.
Original post by Anonymous
He wouldn't tell ME he was mad but he would tell all of his friends. Now these friends are mine too, but he has told these people that I actively 'ignore him' and I'm not coming to see him and when he goes out with our friends he starts to cry and they feel bad for him, obviously.
That's certainly a strike. In any healthy relationship, you must communicate the problems you have with the other person, with them first. Then you're meant to solve the problem together – i.e. not one versus the other, but both against the problem. The ideal solution was for him to tell you he feels like you're ignoring him, that he feels lonely without you, and reassurance that you still want to be with him. And then, given that you only get one shot at good A-Level grades, you can't give ground: you are just going to have to see him less, like with everyone else – you're not singling him out. But of course, there would be reassurance that this is all temporary, that after A-Levels you'll go back to normal. Or even better, make up for all the lost time by doing something special together.
Instead you got him airing your dirty laundry to everyone else. Now if he ranted about how he's felt very apart from you to his friends that mostly don't know you, as a way of catharsis and getting comfort/advice from them, that would be one thing, and quite normal. But he painted you as malicious saying you actively 'ignore him' to your friends too, such that they treated you worse. Furthermore, it seems he only told his friends the bad parts about you, such that it's awkward when you do hang out with all of them. All of this crosses a line. If you were both older adults, that would certainly not be okay and highly immature. I only partially excuse all of this from him since teenage hormones make one act irrationally without empathy, not to mention the lack of life experience. So by telling him all this, he must learn from his mistakes and become a better person. Failure of course means you can't be with him anymore.
Given that he's sullied your reputation, he must fix it. Oddly with his friends, it's easier; just tell them how he didn't give them the full picture, that you're an awesome girlfriend, that he was feeling like s**t so naturally he only told them the bad stuff. But with your mutual friends who are giving you dirty looks, he could do the same. Logistically tough though; not like he can just show up to your sixth form class and give a big PDA to show he loves not hates you.
With all of the above, do tell him step-by-step his actions, how they made you feel, and how that's not okay, and that (if staying with him) he must fix all this. But to be honest, I think it's unlikely you'll come to this optimal resolution. Regardless, I strongly recommend doing this anyway, at least to get closure for yourself, and for him to develop empathy and mature.
Finally, in a real adult long-term relationship like marriage, this will be a constant problem: one or both partners being busy with work et al., and having less time for each other, giving rise to thoughts like "they don't love me anymore". While it sucks that you've had to experience all that from him, dealing with this now means you'll be much better equipped for this scenario in the future.
Original post by Surnia
Sorry, am I missing something? I've reread your post several times and can't see the part about him being kind?
Seriously, he's an immature, selfish little bully who won't change and is not worth your time. Exams are far more important at this stage of your life, they open up so many opportunities, and there's time to find a much better relationship in future. Best of luck with your A-levels!
Seriously, he's an immature, selfish little bully who won't change and is not worth your time. Exams are far more important at this stage of your life, they open up so many opportunities, and there's time to find a much better relationship in future. Best of luck with your A-levels!
This is the stupidest response i've ever seen u know. People can make mistakes and be bad, doesnt mean you should leave them instantly and that they wont change lol. What even is that response.
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