How do I get over grieving what could have been?

emi2021

I’ve already talked to a lot of people about this yet I keep dwelling on it and I want to get over grieving it but I don’t think I can. Basically, I missed my cambridge offer this year. I’m aware I’m not the only person who’s ever gone through this as I’ve talked to other people on the same boat as me and I know it’s not the “end” of my life, of course that’d be very dramatic but I’m worried on how this will impact me if I don’t get over it soon enough. I got into my insurance which is still a pretty good university, yet I’m worried the attachment I hold towards cambridge will stop me from properly enjoying university and actually enjoying my studies. I feel like a failure. A lot happened in year 13 which made me overwhelmed and didn’t allow me to perform as well, but maybe I’m making excuses for myself? I want to forgive myself and let go because honestly its not the end of the world and i'm just a young person with a bruised ego but God I wish I had not messed this up. I can’t help but remind myself on what I missed out, had things turned out better and how good of an experience Cambridge would have been.Most importantly I felt as if i proved everyone who looked down on me, right. I depended my confidence on what other’s thought of me and honestly I feel ruined. I thought about retaking my A levels but everyone around me advised me to not risk it, and besides I’d be missing out on my scholarship if i don't just take my insurance place. This is so cringe and dramatic and I know that things aren’t as bad as they seem but I wish i could get over it already.

Original post by emi2021

I’ve already talked to a lot of people about this yet I keep dwelling on it and I want to get over grieving it but I don’t think I can. Basically, I missed my cambridge offer this year. I’m aware I’m not the only person who’s ever gone through this as I’ve talked to other people on the same boat as me and I know it’s not the “end” of my life, of course that’d be very dramatic but I’m worried on how this will impact me if I don’t get over it soon enough. I got into my insurance which is still a pretty good university, yet I’m worried the attachment I hold towards cambridge will stop me from properly enjoying university and actually enjoying my studies. I feel like a failure. A lot happened in year 13 which made me overwhelmed and didn’t allow me to perform as well, but maybe I’m making excuses for myself? I want to forgive myself and let go because honestly its not the end of the world and i'm just a young person with a bruised ego but God I wish I had not messed this up. I can’t help but remind myself on what I missed out, had things turned out better and how good of an experience Cambridge would have been.Most importantly I felt as if i proved everyone who looked down on me, right. I depended my confidence on what other’s thought of me and honestly I feel ruined. I thought about retaking my A levels but everyone around me advised me to not risk it, and besides I’d be missing out on my scholarship if i don't just take my insurance place. This is so cringe and dramatic and I know that things aren’t as bad as they seem but I wish i could get over it already.

Hi emi2021,

I'm so sorry you're feeling down about this! You are not a failure and have not proved everyone who looked down on you right. You have gotten into a great university and have the potential to do amazing things. :smile:

I understand how disheartening it can be for things not to go how you wanted, but try to focus on instead what didn't happen, but what did. I know this saying might be cringe but I like to think "Everything happens for a reason". At your University you might accomplish things or get opportunities you couldn't have at Cambridge. It might take time for the sad feeling to go away, but hopefully as it goes you'll start to reflect and feel more positively about where you are and what you've accomplished.

To help you try to 'get over it', you might want to make a gratitude journal. Keeping notes of the good things and the joys of each day/week should help you notice the positives and ultimately help you enjoy your university and studies. It also helps with mental health and stress. You don't have to make one but I personally find it helps to focus on the positives and not dwell on the negatives. You can read more about them here.

I hope this has been helpful for you, and I wish you the best in the future :smile:

Bethan
University of Exeter Student Ambassador

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by emi2021

I’ve already talked to a lot of people about this yet I keep dwelling on it and I want to get over grieving it but I don’t think I can. Basically, I missed my cambridge offer this year. I’m aware I’m not the only person who’s ever gone through this as I’ve talked to other people on the same boat as me and I know it’s not the “end” of my life, of course that’d be very dramatic but I’m worried on how this will impact me if I don’t get over it soon enough. I got into my insurance which is still a pretty good university, yet I’m worried the attachment I hold towards cambridge will stop me from properly enjoying university and actually enjoying my studies. I feel like a failure. A lot happened in year 13 which made me overwhelmed and didn’t allow me to perform as well, but maybe I’m making excuses for myself? I want to forgive myself and let go because honestly its not the end of the world and i'm just a young person with a bruised ego but God I wish I had not messed this up. I can’t help but remind myself on what I missed out, had things turned out better and how good of an experience Cambridge would have been.Most importantly I felt as if i proved everyone who looked down on me, right. I depended my confidence on what other’s thought of me and honestly I feel ruined. I thought about retaking my A levels but everyone around me advised me to not risk it, and besides I’d be missing out on my scholarship if i don't just take my insurance place. This is so cringe and dramatic and I know that things aren’t as bad as they seem but I wish i could get over it already.

I know three people personally who missed Oxbridge spots.All of them have loved their time at their unis.I also know 3 people who had a horrible time at Cambridge.I dropped out ,another was asked to leave and the final one was just miserable for 3 yes.
Yes it is pretty , and has kudos but it is not a golden ticket to happiness.
You are right you do need to forgive yourself but you must still have amazing grades so go to your other uni and enjoy yourself.

Reply 3

University of Huddersfield

Official Rep

16

Original post by emi2021

I’ve already talked to a lot of people about this yet I keep dwelling on it and I want to get over grieving it but I don’t think I can. Basically, I missed my cambridge offer this year. I’m aware I’m not the only person who’s ever gone through this as I’ve talked to other people on the same boat as me and I know it’s not the “end” of my life, of course that’d be very dramatic but I’m worried on how this will impact me if I don’t get over it soon enough. I got into my insurance which is still a pretty good university, yet I’m worried the attachment I hold towards cambridge will stop me from properly enjoying university and actually enjoying my studies. I feel like a failure. A lot happened in year 13 which made me overwhelmed and didn’t allow me to perform as well, but maybe I’m making excuses for myself? I want to forgive myself and let go because honestly its not the end of the world and i'm just a young person with a bruised ego but God I wish I had not messed this up. I can’t help but remind myself on what I missed out, had things turned out better and how good of an experience Cambridge would have been.Most importantly I felt as if i proved everyone who looked down on me, right. I depended my confidence on what other’s thought of me and honestly I feel ruined. I thought about retaking my A levels but everyone around me advised me to not risk it, and besides I’d be missing out on my scholarship if i don't just take my insurance place. This is so cringe and dramatic and I know that things aren’t as bad as they seem but I wish i could get over it already.

@emi2021
You have to make your peace with it.

You need to focus on your new university and when the temptation comes to compare it with Cambridge, just don't do it! Focus on all the great things about your course and university and remember that whatever you are meant to achieve in life, you will! There is a plan and a purpose for everything. We don't always understand why things happen, but things can come together for good. There may be a reason that you got into your insurance choice that leads you to in a different direction, even a better direction that you are ultimately happier in : )

You can't change the events that happened in Year 13, but hopefully it's helped to build your character and make you more resilient. You might think that if you had got into Cambridge then you would just soar through your studies, but you may have quickly felt overwhelmed and under pressure to be the best among the other people in your class and felt increasingly stressed about being 'good enough', 'clever enough' etc... You might have got into Cambridge but still felt that you hadn't done enough if you were not top of your class or even found people who looked down on you at Cambridge. It might have been three years of stress and trying to fit in.

@emi2021 It is not wise to base your worth on which university you attend. You are the same person whichever university you attend! Your worth is the same, so go and get your 1:1 or your 2:1 at your current university. Pursue your chosen subject and enjoy meeting some great people : )

If people want to look down on you, then that's their choice but that doesn't mean that you have to look down on yourself! You know your potential and what you are capable of and despite some challenges in Year 13, you still managed to get in to your insurance choice, so don't pay attention to those people who want to make you feel insecure – you are so much better than that!

All the best!

Oluwatosin – 2nd year student – University of Huddersfield

Reply 4

Admit-One

Universities Forum Helper

21

I think it’s important to distinguish between being ‘a failure’ and having failed at one specific thing.

It’s normal to feel dejected when you have imagined yourself with one foot in the door. But you’ve no idea what experience you might have had there, lots of students find the reality of Oxbridge study is not at all what they envisaged.

You uni experience is what you make of it, not the name of the awarding institution.

If the ‘what if’ scenario is preoccupying your thoughts, defer your good offer and attend there next year with a fresh head.

How do I get over grieving what could have been?

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