Boyfriend lied about Only Fans

I have been with my boyfriend for about 10 months now and in this short amount of time a lot has happened..
To start with, I had recently escaped a toxic relationship with my ex who I was with for years from a young age before starting the new relationship shortly after. Anyway, things have been amazing with my new boyfriend; he's thoughtful, considerate, hugely supportive and is generally a lovely person to me (all very new to me considering how abusive my ex was).
Here's the problem... before we got together I noticed he 'liked' a lot of girls thirst traps on social media (even when he was with his ex girlfriend) so I brought the subject up to him and explained how I wasn't comfortable with that kind of thing and wouldn't tolerate it. He explained it was something he used to do, that his ex didn't bothered and that he was living in a toxic uni culture at the time. He reassured me that he wouldn't do it and I haven't seen anything since. However, due to my trust issues I decided to look on his Twitter account a few months later and found he followed a handful of Only Fans girls porn accounts. This triggered me massively (bad experience with my ex), I confronted him and didn't meet him for a week as I felt so low about it. He was hugely apologetic and said it was just something he had always done and understood why I wasn't ok with it and unfollowed all of the accounts. He said he hadn't interacted with any of them and wasn't looking for something he didn't feel he already had with me etc. He was sick with worry thinking I was going to end things and really tried to reassure me saying they didn't compare to me whatsoever. Since then I have always felt slightly paranoid as I just felt so insecure seeing the girls on the accounts he followed and comparing myself (yes I have low self esteem issues).
Anyway, recently it has been bugging me again so I decided to bring up how a guy I know at work said he has an Only Fans account and I casually asked my bf if he has ever had one. He look slightly panicked and began saying how he thinks he did used to but doesn't now. I asked him if he had deleted it and he said no but that he just didn't use it and hadn't since he got it a few years ago. Things spiralled and I asked to see the account for proof, he said he couldn't remember the password so I asked him to reset it to access the account which eventually he agreed to. I saw that he had paid for content a few years ago (when he was with his ex) and then later paid for another account but the transaction had failed. I questioned him on why he hadn't mentioned he subscribed to a few accounts and he said he doesn't remember. I also questioned him on the Only Fans twitter accounts and said I knew he still went on their pages despite unfollowing them for me and that I just needed him to be honest. He outright denied going on them and even said "how do you think I could look at those accounts knowing how much they had upset you?!".. He lied to my face as I had already seen on his phone a week previously that he had searched for one of these accounts. He kept saying he couldn't remember if he had which just felt like a slap in the face. The outright denial and lies are what has hurt me way more than the accounts themselves at this point. I had made it so clear to him before that I desperately needed honesty in a relationship as I have been so hurt in the past and he promised he was being honest with me as he has never felt this way about anyone and desperately wants to be with me. I think he has abandonment issues as both of his exes ended their relationship with him so he seems to have insecurities about me doing the same. He also thinks I'm "way out of his league" and always says how lucky he is to have me and that he can't believe he's actually with me. This all confuses me as I can't seem to stop hurting from the Only fans accounts and now I feel like any little trust I had for him has been broken..
He said he would do anything for me, even get rid of his smart phone for a while to show he's commited to gaining my trust back. That makes me feel uncomfortable like I'd be the 'phone police' but I know I also don't trust what he's doing on his phone now either.

I really want to be with him and am generally happy in all other aspects of our relationship but being lied to like this has affected me massively. I'm struggling to eat and feel sick thinking about those accounts and him lying to me. Has anyone else experienced this and would you be able to learn to trust him again? Please be kind, I've had bad experiences with men in the past so this has really triggered me and my insecurities. I understand a lot of people don't care about porn and see it as just a fantasy but these Only fans accounts are so personal and I hate the thought of him searching up a particular girl. I've also sent him intimate photos of myself and it hurts even more to know he's still looking at these accounts despite me sending him photos.

Reply 1

Muttly

It is amazing how common the porn and the associated accounts are a hit for guys across the universe (and some women but on the whole mainly men) Men are hard wired differently to women when it is about sexual arousal (a lot of physiological research has proved this) A visual sensory sexual cue in men goes directly to the brain and genitals.

So you can accept the porn but it is the underhand lying that is the crippler here? It is the loss of trust so early on that is the red flag. Be careful of the man who is smooth talking, slick and overly attentive or generous early on. Are you being 'groomed' to be accepting and fall for the wonderful feeling of being 'wanted'?

No matter what has happened you have to trust your gut feeling and stop making excuses for someone else's problem. If someone has lied to you - how do you ever know again when they are telling you the truth? If this is early on in the relationship nothing is going to change down the line. Why put up with this? Set your own bar higher. There are many amazing great men out there who enjoy porn but are open and straightforward about it. It still doesn't have to be either?

Your own behaviour and insecurity though is concerning and overbearing. If you went on a site that you didn't want your partner to know about - how would you feel if you were forced to reveal an access code, or were forced to reset an account? This works both ways. You can blame your 'insecurities' but it is hardly the behaviour from someone wanting a loving trusting relationship to continue?

I'd get out of this relationship and invest some time in yourself, improving your own confidence and being comfortable with living without a man for some time. Aim far higher and get out of the 'abusive' man trap? Contact Women's support groups for advice and help in identifying why this might be a norm for you?