Just how passive aggressive can a teacher be! Her first response to the draft sent 3 weeks ago and revised ever since.
" I have read the attached version of Charlotte's personal statement. It is packed with content.
Reading it over, however, made me somewhat concerned about how much of Charlotte's voice appears in the statement and how much has been reworded or helped along the way. It is integral for a personal statement to be entirely the student's own work. It can be tempting to help a student by editing a statement for them, but in the long run it is always best for it to be their own original writing.
Rather than sending feedback on this version, I'm going to suggest that Charlotte sits down with a form tutor to make sure the statement is her own voice. She can use the draft attached as a baseline for content. Luckily for Charlotte, XX and I are currently filling in as her form tutors. After half term, we'll book Charlotte in for a 1-2-1 to look at her personal statement.
If Charlotte wants to start writing a draft with more of her voice in it over half term, we can go from there