Reply 1
I haven't used them in a while. Probably a major part of the problem is many people use dating apps as a substitute for meeting people in real life or maintaining existing connections - whether this is their own friends, or even a potential partner. A lot of people use dating apps for the novelty factor, which almost by definition comes at the expense of maintaining their existing relationships or friendships (too 'boring').
There are many other problems with them too. Your bullsh*t filter needs to be on red alert when talking to or meeting people over dating apps, even when dating women. I'd find it too frustrating and exhausting. I can and I've done it... I just really did not enjoy it. I do have an issue trusting people though.
One woman even told me that it's apparently "not my business" whether or not she had a partner already, then proceeded to talk about herself nonstop for the next half hour. I may have asked the question too directly, but nonetheless it's a fair question I think. If it made her uncomfortable she could have responded in other ways. Her defensive reaction really... spoke for itself I thought. So its crap like that that isn't too unusual on dating apps.
Another friend of mine told me how one girl he went on a date with from Tinder was apparently writing a dissertation whose topic was all the different guys she meet up / hooked up with over Tinder. And when he said he wasn't interested in another date she retaliated by saying he was too 'sheepish' for her anyway.
Even if you do meet a decent woman, unless she is either very naive or very (too) experienced or otherwise has no healthy inhibitions, her defences will be up as well for similar reasons mine are and make it difficult for the initial conversation to get traction. I never even got that far however, so am no longer speaking from experience, only conjecture.
This is all anecdotal evidence though. There's plenty of statistical evidence online as well, demonstrating that these sorts of experiences aren't very isolated.
If you are going to use dating apps, then at least do it as a supplement to a normal and healthy social life. Not as a replacement. That will give you a greater degree of emotional resilience / tolerance for the sort of bs you will probably encounter on the dating apps. And apparently, I hear that many men are even worse. I haven't tried dating men and don't intend to, but already am pretty sure that occasionally I was talking to men pretending to be women by using their photos. One asked me if I "live alone" and want to meet up in a park just the two of us. That one was over Facebook actually.
There are many other problems with them too. Your bullsh*t filter needs to be on red alert when talking to or meeting people over dating apps, even when dating women. I'd find it too frustrating and exhausting. I can and I've done it... I just really did not enjoy it. I do have an issue trusting people though.
One woman even told me that it's apparently "not my business" whether or not she had a partner already, then proceeded to talk about herself nonstop for the next half hour. I may have asked the question too directly, but nonetheless it's a fair question I think. If it made her uncomfortable she could have responded in other ways. Her defensive reaction really... spoke for itself I thought. So its crap like that that isn't too unusual on dating apps.
Another friend of mine told me how one girl he went on a date with from Tinder was apparently writing a dissertation whose topic was all the different guys she meet up / hooked up with over Tinder. And when he said he wasn't interested in another date she retaliated by saying he was too 'sheepish' for her anyway.
Even if you do meet a decent woman, unless she is either very naive or very (too) experienced or otherwise has no healthy inhibitions, her defences will be up as well for similar reasons mine are and make it difficult for the initial conversation to get traction. I never even got that far however, so am no longer speaking from experience, only conjecture.
This is all anecdotal evidence though. There's plenty of statistical evidence online as well, demonstrating that these sorts of experiences aren't very isolated.
If you are going to use dating apps, then at least do it as a supplement to a normal and healthy social life. Not as a replacement. That will give you a greater degree of emotional resilience / tolerance for the sort of bs you will probably encounter on the dating apps. And apparently, I hear that many men are even worse. I haven't tried dating men and don't intend to, but already am pretty sure that occasionally I was talking to men pretending to be women by using their photos. One asked me if I "live alone" and want to meet up in a park just the two of us. That one was over Facebook actually.
(edited 1 year ago)
Reply 2
I personally think that it's not so much dating apps that are no good but western society. The apps are just reflecting what society is like, you have a bad society and that will show through in dating apps, talking to each other in person, whatever.
In a society which socialises people to put family first not career first you will get a lot more serious people that value other potential life partners. As it is not enough people in the west value other people but more education/careers and therein lies the problem.
In a society which socialises people to put family first not career first you will get a lot more serious people that value other potential life partners. As it is not enough people in the west value other people but more education/careers and therein lies the problem.
Reply 3
Original post by Anonymous #1
I personally think that it's not so much dating apps that are no good but western society. The apps are just reflecting what society is like, you have a bad society and that will show through in dating apps, talking to each other in person, whatever.
In a society which socialises people to put family first not career first you will get a lot more serious people that value other potential life partners. As it is not enough people in the west value other people but more education/careers and therein lies the problem.
In a society which socialises people to put family first not career first you will get a lot more serious people that value other potential life partners. As it is not enough people in the west value other people but more education/careers and therein lies the problem.
I like that take.
It's a complex issue. However by virtue of dating apps often providing people relative anonymity when compared to the real world, and how convenient they make it to just keep moving from one person to the next, that sets up an environment in which people feel very little accountability to one another or incentive to treat other people with respect.
I think even in a society with strong family values, dating apps would corrode those, just to a lesser degree than is the case in the West.
(edited 1 year ago)
Reply 5
Beats the alternative of having to approach someone in person for the most part though.
It’s also another avenue to meet people, and a lot more people that are looking to date or just hookup. It has it’s problems yeh but dating weren’t much better without it.
It’s also another avenue to meet people, and a lot more people that are looking to date or just hookup. It has it’s problems yeh but dating weren’t much better without it.
Reply 6
Original post by Little pecker
Beats the alternative of having to approach someone in person for the most part though.
It’s also another avenue to meet people, and a lot more people that are looking to date or just hookup. It has it’s problems yeh but dating weren’t much better without it.
It’s also another avenue to meet people, and a lot more people that are looking to date or just hookup. It has it’s problems yeh but dating weren’t much better without it.
I think that is ironically part of the problem. A lot of people use dating apps because they're too anxious or 'busy' to approach people in real life or build connections.
But using dating apps doesn't actually address those problems of theirs.
•
If you're too anxious, it is something you should actually work on, instead of going on a dating app, making plans and then flaking out on the last minute because you get the jitters.
•
If you're too 'busy' to build a connection with someone, and yet you want a relationship, then perhaps you need to re-think what you value and what your priorities are. You can't have a relationship if you're 'too busy' to get to know them first.
I am sure you have come across some people who on the one hand say or imply that they are "too busy" to date people, yet simultaneously go on dates with people, but lack the patience or perseverance it takes to actually get to know those people and instead regularly switch from one person to another. I don't think this is uncommon. It is an avoidant attachment strategy. Such people have work to do on themselves.
At least if someone says that they're "too busy" to go on dates, and thus abstained from going on dates, that would make more sense than it does to mess around strangers whom you're meeting for the first time. And it would also actually give them the time & space they need to self-reflect on their feelings and actions, instead of using dating apps as a convenient distraction from those things.
(edited 1 year ago)
Reply 7
Original post by NonIndigenous
I think that is ironically part of the problem. A lot of people use dating apps because they're too anxious or 'busy' to approach people in real life or build connections.
But using dating apps doesn't actually address those problems of theirs.
I am sure you have come across some people who on the one hand say or imply that they are "too busy" to date people, yet simultaneously go on dates with people, but lack the patience or perseverance it takes to actually get to know those people and instead regularly switch from one person to another. I don't think this is uncommon. It is an avoidant attachment strategy. Such people have work to do on themselves.
At least if someone says that they're "too busy" to go on dates, and thus abstained from going on dates, that would make more sense than it does to mess around strangers whom you're meeting for the first time. And it would also actually give them the time & space they need to self-reflect on their feelings and actions, instead of using dating apps as a convenient distraction from those things.
But using dating apps doesn't actually address those problems of theirs.
•
If you're too anxious, it is something you should actually work on, instead of going on a dating app, making plans and then flaking out on the last minute because you get the jitters.
•
If you're too 'busy' to build a connection with someone, and yet you want a relationship, then perhaps you need to re-think what you value and what your priorities are. You can't have a relationship if you're 'too busy' to get to know them first.
I am sure you have come across some people who on the one hand say or imply that they are "too busy" to date people, yet simultaneously go on dates with people, but lack the patience or perseverance it takes to actually get to know those people and instead regularly switch from one person to another. I don't think this is uncommon. It is an avoidant attachment strategy. Such people have work to do on themselves.
At least if someone says that they're "too busy" to go on dates, and thus abstained from going on dates, that would make more sense than it does to mess around strangers whom you're meeting for the first time. And it would also actually give them the time & space they need to self-reflect on their feelings and actions, instead of using dating apps as a convenient distraction from those things.
On point 1 - using dating apps surely would be better? Go out meet people you don’t know and build your social skills and confidence.
Point 2 - I think we’ll just fundamentally disagree, it’s annoying from my side but no actual issue with it.
It lets us get more done with less, albeit maybe on a macro level it messes with your psychology. For me personally I have certain red flags (e.g. don’t want anyone that wants kids) so being able to filter out the majority of girls that do helps a lot.
Reply 8
Original post by Little pecker
On point 1 - using dating apps surely would be better? Go out meet people you don’t know and build your social skills and confidence.
Point 2 - I think we’ll just fundamentally disagree, it’s annoying from my side but no actual issue with it.
It lets us get more done with less, albeit maybe on a macro level it messes with your psychology. For me personally I have certain red flags (e.g. don’t want anyone that wants kids) so being able to filter out the majority of girls that do helps a lot.
Point 2 - I think we’ll just fundamentally disagree, it’s annoying from my side but no actual issue with it.
It lets us get more done with less, albeit maybe on a macro level it messes with your psychology. For me personally I have certain red flags (e.g. don’t want anyone that wants kids) so being able to filter out the majority of girls that do helps a lot.
On point 1, potentially yes. But I gave it a trial run & tbh was not convinced. It's a bit of a lottery. If you're lucky then you might strike up a conversation and genuine connection with someone sure, I know it happens. It is just less likely than if you did it in the real world.
I suspect that the 'system', the "psychometric demographics" (I'm coining a new term) and resultant 'culture' of the dating app world are not balanced in favour of helping anxious people resolve their anxiety. There's a lot of messages left on read, mixed signals, people who use dating apps because they're 'bored' instead of doing anything intentionally. There is a lot of ghosting. There are a lot of trolls as well.
And I don't believe the connections you typically build via dating apps are as deep as in real life. One of the most effective remedies to my anxiety have been a presence of deeper connections & friendships in my personal life, and certainly not how many women I might have in my DMs at any given moment who take up to a week to reply to messages (but who cares if there's like 30 of them because it still works out as 3 messages a day). I went through a phase like that & it was bollox. I don't see eye-to-eye with people who promote this lifestyle to men or women.
One good friend who responds to my messages at their earliest convenience and I can have proper conversations with, is more valuable than a 100 happy-go-lucky randoms that I found somewhere on the internet who uploaded photos of themselves 10 years younger to grab your attention.
(edited 1 year ago)
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