self esteem

OP

ok...
things that'll actually work?

Reply 3

Sam_B

RiOt GiRl

what can i do to improve my self esteem/confidence? people keep telling me i'm too quiet,etc,etc... :rolleyes:

but i dont know what to do-
basically- everyone hates me, made me realise there's nothing good about me, made me hate myself, made me hide away, self concious- and who you see today. :frown:

and now i'm fed up of it - and want to change...but how? :confused:

well dont listen to them! who the hell are they to tell u stuff like that?

if u want to change...then try doing stuff u dont usually do

if u too quiet, go out to a club or something.

Reply 4

OP

i'm not 18...
and when they b**ch about you 24/7 and get the whole college to gang up against you,and your "mates" dont back you it's pretty hard not to listen to them....

Reply 5

Sam_B

RiOt GiRl

i'm not 18...

well then go somewhere else where u can speak to more people.

some social club for instance

Reply 6

queenselphie

RiOt GiRl

what can i do to improve my self esteem/confidence? people keep telling me i'm too quiet,etc,etc... :rolleyes:

but i dont know what to do-
basically- everyone hates me, made me realise there's nothing good about me, made me hate myself, made me hide away, self concious- and who you see today. :frown:

and now i'm fed up of it - and want to change...but how? :confused:

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I was bullied for years and years at school and it left me totally convinced that I am bad at everything. I say "sorry" all the time for stupid little things because I'm so nervous of upsetting people, so people tell me to stop saying "sorry" as much and then I say sorry for that, and the cycle continues ... :rolleyes:

Now, I'd be the last person to praise myself, and if anyone told me I was good at anything I'd blush and deny it, but please please remember this. You are not worthless, everyone does not hate you, and Im sure you are a lovely person. I expect if you look at your basis for thinking you are a bad person, you will have trouble thinking of anything you can put your finger on.Being quiet is not a bad thing. It is sweet, alluring, and gentle. People simply will have spent so much time picking on you that you will have become convinced that there is something wrong with you.
There is not something wrong with you. I very much doubt there was anything much wrong with me either - nothing that merited over ten years of constant abuse anyway. What I WOULD suspect is that you are a caring, slightly quieter and shyer person that the rest of your peers. People see being quiet and shy as "different" and they attack that because it threatens them because they can't understand it. People fear what they don't understand. Maybe they think you are silently thinking you are better than them - and you are, but it's quite apparent that isnt what you were thinking! The average teenage mind cannot cope with the idea of someone who dosent want to comform the social norms and spend all their time getting drunk and being rebellious. They sensed you were probably a more intelligent and caring person and that worried them - maturity isn't something that teenagers have ever valued. They also sensed you wanted something different from what they wanted out of life - and that worried them, because it made them look at themselves and not like what they saw, so they decided to critise you so they could feel better about themselves. Critisism from these people should not matter - they are about as signifcant as mud, and if it is your friends saying these things I suggest you have a word with them about what their "advice" is doing to you. I know all this is easier said than done though.
Please also remember that being a nice, sympathetic, and thoughtful person is misconstrued as a weakness and a bad thing by bullies, and if people have repeatedly put you down it is because they have all sensed you are a nice person - someone who wont retaliate if they get their ego boost by critisising you. Who do you think this makes a better person, them, or you?
Im sure you wont believe me when I say all this, because I wouldnt believe anyone saying nice things about me either, but you seem a nice, intelligent, well balanced and caring individual, and you don't need to change a thing. You'd probably be happier if you liked yourself more, but the first step to that is to stop critising yourself - if other people put you down, don't be a sheep and follow their lead. You are fine how you are. If you accept that, your confidence will grow on its own. It is something I have spent years trying to accept myself and everytime I get a bit closer, I realise that the problem was I was a caring person long before other people my age even knew what that meant. Please don't put yourself down for your positive qualities just because other people don't value them as they should.

Reply 7

kingslaw

SamTheMan

Keep looking at yourself in the mirror in the morning and telling yourself "You know you're one sexy bastard".

You've been spying on me :eek:

Reply 8

Monteferro

queenselphie

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I was bullied for years and years at school and it left me totally convinced that I am bad at everything. I say "sorry" all the time for stupid little things because I'm so nervous of upsetting people, so people tell me to stop saying "sorry" as much and then I say sorry for that, and the cycle continues ... :rolleyes:

Now, I'd be the last person to praise myself, and if anyone told me I was good at anything I'd blush and deny it, but please please remember this. You are not worthless, everyone does not hate you, and Im sure you are a lovely person. I expect if you look at your basis for thinking you are a bad person, you will have trouble thinking of anything you can put your finger on.Being quiet is not a bad thing. It is sweet, alluring, and gentle. People simply will have spent so much time picking on you that you will have become convinced that there is something wrong with you.
There is not something wrong with you. I very much doubt there was anything much wrong with me either - nothing that merited over ten years of constant abuse anyway. What I WOULD suspect is that you are a caring, slightly quieter and shyer person that the rest of your peers. People see being quiet and shy as "different" and they attack that because it threatens them because they can't understand it. People fear what they don't understand. Maybe they think you are silently thinking you are better than them - and you are, but it's quite apparent that isnt what you were thinking! The average teenage mind cannot cope with the idea of someone who dosent want to comform the social norms and spend all their time getting drunk and being rebellious. They sensed you were probably a more intelligent and caring person and that worried them - maturity isn't something that teenagers have ever valued. They also sensed you wanted something different from what they wanted out of life - and that worried them, because it made them look at themselves and not like what they saw, so they decided to critise you so they could feel better about themselves. Critisism from these people should not matter - they are about as signifcant as mud, and if it is your friends saying these things I suggest you have a word with them about what their "advice" is doing to you. I know all this is easier said than done though.
Please also remember that being a nice, sympathetic, and thoughtful person is misconstrued as a weakness and a bad thing by bullies, and if people have repeatedly put you down it is because they have all sensed you are a nice person - someone who wont retaliate if they get their ego boost by critisising you. Who do you think this makes a better person, them, or you?
Im sure you wont believe me when I say all this, because I wouldnt believe anyone saying nice things about me either, but you seem a nice, intelligent, well balanced and caring individual, and you don't need to change a thing. You'd probably be happier if you liked yourself more, but the first step to that is to stop critising yourself - if other people put you down, don't be a sheep and follow their lead. You are fine how you are. If you accept that, your confidence will grow on its own. It is something I have spent years trying to accept myself and everytime I get a bit closer, I realise that the problem was I was a caring person long before other people my age even knew what that meant. Please don't put yourself down for your positive qualities just because other people don't value them as they should.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Reply 9

kingslaw

RiOt GiRl

what can i do to improve my self esteem/confidence? people keep telling me i'm too quiet,etc,etc... :rolleyes:

but i dont know what to do-
basically- everyone hates me, made me realise there's nothing good about me, made me hate myself, made me hide away, self concious- and who you see today. :frown:

and now i'm fed up of it - and want to change...but how? :confused:

I like you. Does that count for nothing these days :confused:

Reply 10

OP

yes. but i've already said havn't i?
people who get to know me first like me.
people at college listen to the popular guys, and i'm most definately not. and they hate me...

Reply 11

Monteferro

RiOt GiRl

yes. but i've already said havn't i?
people who get to know me first like me.
people at college listen to the popular guys, and i'm most definately not. and they hate me...

You should engage yourself in an activity outside college - you'll meet a new/better group of mates that way.

Reply 12

kingslaw

RiOt GiRl

yes. but i've already said havn't i?
people who get to know me first like me.
people at college listen to the popular guys, and i'm most definately not. and they hate me...

Well, I guess you just have to be patient with people and making friends. If you have friends already (which I'm sure you do) then that's evidence that you can make friends. It' just obviously not as easy.

I'm certainly not the sort of person who can easily make friends. I hardly ever make close friends (if I've ever had a close friend) but I know that I can make friends. I'm just patient and don't desperately go out and try to make as many friends as possible - like many did when they first go to uni. I knew if I did that I'd only end up miserable, because I know thats not the sort of person I am.

Bascially, don't force yourself to be someone your not, because you'll only make yourself miserable.

Reply 13

OP

my "mates" complain about me cos i'm a "goth"- they're trying to change me- and i've asked them not to/criticise me all the time cos it hurts- but they carry on.

what activities/clubs can i do- it's something i've been thinking about for a while actually...

Reply 14

LHMarsh10

Monteferro

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Ditto. Nice one queensephie. Made me feel better about myself too there, been having the same problem!

Reply 15

SamTheMan

17

Someone who isn't completely full of themselves is quite endearing to be honest. There's nothing worse than a friend/girlfriend who have an ego the size of a small planet.

Just define yourself an identity. Don't let your friends define who you should be. THat's not how you develop self-esteem.

Reply 16

queenselphie

RiOt GiRl

my "mates" complain about me cos i'm a "goth"- they're trying to change me- and i've asked them not to/criticise me all the time cos it hurts- but they carry on.

what activities/clubs can i do- it's something i've been thinking about for a while actually...

I know we've already been chatting about this by PM but thought I'd add something here :p:

Im not sure if its the same in your area, but I live near Leeds and I've also noticed the same in manchester - they have one "alternative" place that a lot of people hang out at in the daytime at weekends...in Leeds its the corn exchange which is full of alternative and gothy shops, and in Manchester there's Affleck's palace which is similar but better... people just stand outside socialising, all dressed up in really interesting clothes, and its not as intimidating as a nightclub or a bar plus no alcohol and age restrcition... I know my brother met his very gothic girlfriend just by standing outside there. If you have a city near you it might be worth checking out what the alternative scene is there :-) I should have looked where you lived before starting to write this message, lol.
trouble with this idea though is that you'd need a friend willing to go to these places with you...hrm... maybe a sister?

Reply 17

OP