Whats wrong with me?

Ijust feel son low. All thetime. I'm so sick of it. I feel my spirit is getting slowly erdicated because i dont even love myself. Mywhole life, i feel like ive had bad luck. im not victimizing, or telling a sob story.I just do not know why at every turn in life there is hurt, rejection, seculsion? everybody gets what they want out oflife. I cant even get the right haircut. Something extending from a haircut to arelationship - i have no control over my life. People have always trampled all over me. Dominated me. Im a man. But im not a man. Maybe thats why im gay?. I dontwant to be gay, but i am. Im afraid of socialising, and i spend all my time alone. its not fair. Everyone around me builds a life, relationships that last a lifetime. PEOPLE in my life come and go. Right now i live with agay partner. He has told someone else that he loves them and had sexual contactwith them. Then again, i cheated firts, and alot, so i deserved it. but they never acknolwedge my existence and spend their time looking for another relationship. Ive never been thatperson who people look at and go "wow". Ive always been in the background. Always quiet, overlooked. Even in my family. Ive sacrificed so much for people and i get lies and cheating back. Im only young butwhy do people never respectme? I feel i have no inner strength, and i have nobody to fall back on. In my heart i feelso alone. So isolated. Im going to university but this wont help. Im torn between mysexuality and my identity- im not sure that this is the lifestyle i want, and i getfeelings for women all the time. Im always crying, im always upset. I cant go in a room and lightitu up becauseall i have insideis hurt and irealise life is short but its so hard to let that go. That fear of being hurt- that same sense of isolation and inner-melancholy. The world has and will treat me harshly, and i wish i had a backbone. I have family, butthey are estranged, our relations strained and forced. I have no friends to rely on - nobodyto call and tell all myissuy