I have an explosive temper and anger problems and feel I'm manipulative towards her..

People change, sadly she has and you haven't. But the good thing is, you're seeking help on your problems so you're not a completely narcissistic sadistic psychopath. If she thinks she'll be fine with the "bitch" you so-call her, so be it. Even go as far as hand in a notice if you wish, and find some other company to work for that you think you'll get along with.

Please note: I don't do it with the foresight. I get angry rather quickly but it's usually built up around jealousy, insecurity, something I don't like, can't accept or won't accept, or misinterpreting things when agitated.

I'm currently seeing a psychotherapist for a variety of issues (anxiety been the more prominent; but just lately, this year my anger has been the focus).

I wouldn't have ever put mvyself down for been an emotionally abusive, manipulative or otherwise intimidating boyfriend; never in a million years, but more recently I feel this is what I've become.

I get incredibly jealous and have an inner rage that builds up whenever I see my girlfriend has posted pictures of her with others; more notably male work colleagues. It's almost as though I expect her to be up to no good. Yes, I don't trust her, and she knows this, and haven't for some time, leading to resentment of such forms.

The other week, I invited her to my staff Christmas works' do (even though initially I wasn't gonna go to it, since half my colleagues boil my blood and I hate them). My gf and another work female colleague get real chatty. Just so happens said colleague is one I really really detest. Long story short, she is manipulative and typical bitch type, nasty piece of work and as a principled guy I don't like that. Because I see her and my gf chatting, I see this as an attempt to get under my skin. I.e. My colleague. It's almost like, 'hey your gf thinks I'm great, so -**** you'

Anyways, cutting story short; as the night progresses I stew in my own inner dialogue and rage. Said colleague persuades her to stay out on the town, whereas we'd decides amongst me and her we'd go home. I immediately grab partners hands, and tell her I think said colleague is a complete cow, she's doing it deliberately. Gf disagrees, tells me she's just been friendly. I become more frustrated at the prospect she is sort of dismissive.

I turn to my girlfriend and in a blind red mist, I grab her forearms, pull her in and stare into her eyes and say "look can you see the rage in my ******** eyes?" She immediately looked terrified, as I'd expected. However, really and actually I didn't mean to harm her, my anger was misguided and I actually had full intents aimed at colleague.

Later after I calmed down, I told her I was sorry and that my anger stems from the fact I didn't like seeing her interacting and getting along well with people I didn't like. Or seeing colleague getting along with her was a kick in my teeth so to speak. Girlfriend told me that she didn't give a damn if girl didn't like me, and she couldn't care less (which actually hurt, because i expect her to understand and have my back and she is the only person that keeps me happy), and that she and colleague were getting along well and that's all she cared for. All well and good, but see thing is, perhaps I have a habit of putting my girlfriend on pedestal. So much so that her actions make me happy. And she is my source of happiness, and when I see my happiness, my livelihood and my life getting attacked by some cow I absolutely hate; it bothers me. It also bothers me to see my girlfriend laughing and joking with her.

Point is; I feel like I'm turning into a monster, my insecurities that she'll meet someone else agitate me (had insecurities well before anger surfaced). Am I deserving of her? Should I rot in hell?

I've read enough. YOU ARE ABUSIVE AND SHE NEEDS TO FREE HERSELF FOR MANIPULATIVE AND SICKENING JERK LIKE you.

To be honest I know of far worse guy's than him. Narcissists who manipulate girls, gain control over them and hurt them over and over again, just because they want to and they feel nothing afterwards. I would end these sum-human scum quickly.

However in this case the OP isn't like that. He see's he has a problem with himself and wants to correct it. He girlfriend should be helping him and trying to understand him, but she isn't. It is her fault, as much as it is his.

Please note: I don't do it with the foresight. I get angry rather quickly but it's usually built up around jealousy, insecurity, something I don't like, can't accept or won't accept, or misinterpreting things when agitated.

I'm currently seeing a psychotherapist for a variety of issues (anxiety been the more prominent; but just lately, this year my anger has been the focus).

I wouldn't have ever put mvyself down for been an emotionally abusive, manipulative or otherwise intimidating boyfriend; never in a million years, but more recently I feel this is what I've become.

I get incredibly jealous and have an inner rage that builds up whenever I see my girlfriend has posted pictures of her with others; more notably male work colleagues. It's almost as though I expect her to be up to no good. Yes, I don't trust her, and she knows this, and haven't for some time, leading to resentment of such forms.

The other week, I invited her to my staff Christmas works' do (even though initially I wasn't gonna go to it, since half my colleagues boil my blood and I hate them). My gf and another work female colleague get real chatty. Just so happens said colleague is one I really really detest. Long story short, she is manipulative and typical bitch type, nasty piece of work and as a principled guy I don't like that. Because I see her and my gf chatting, I see this as an attempt to get under my skin. I.e. My colleague. It's almost like, 'hey your gf thinks I'm great, so -**** you'

Anyways, cutting story short; as the night progresses I stew in my own inner dialogue and rage. Said colleague persuades her to stay out on the town, whereas we'd decides amongst me and her we'd go home. I immediately grab partners hands, and tell her I think said colleague is a complete cow, she's doing it deliberately. Gf disagrees, tells me she's just been friendly. I become more frustrated at the prospect she is sort of dismissive.

I turn to my girlfriend and in a blind red mist, I grab her forearms, pull her in and stare into her eyes and say "look can you see the rage in my ******** eyes?" She immediately looked terrified, as I'd expected. However, really and actually I didn't mean to harm her, my anger was misguided and I actually had full intents aimed at colleague.

Later after I calmed down, I told her I was sorry and that my anger stems from the fact I didn't like seeing her interacting and getting along well with people I didn't like. Or seeing colleague getting along with her was a kick in my teeth so to speak. Girlfriend told me that she didn't give a damn if girl didn't like me, and she couldn't care less (which actually hurt, because i expect her to understand and have my back and she is the only person that keeps me happy), and that she and colleague were getting along well and that's all she cared for. All well and good, but see thing is, perhaps I have a habit of putting my girlfriend on pedestal. So much so that her actions make me happy. And she is my source of happiness, and when I see my happiness, my livelihood and my life getting attacked by some cow I absolutely hate; it bothers me. It also bothers me to see my girlfriend laughing and joking with her.

Point is; I feel like I'm turning into a monster, my insecurities that she'll meet someone else agitate me (had insecurities well before anger surfaced). Am I deserving of her? Should I rot in hell?

I've read enough. YOU ARE ABUSIVE AND SHE NEEDS TO FREE HERSELF FOR MANIPULATIVE AND SICKENING JERK LIKE you.

Never, ever a good thing. NEVER. You can't rely on others to make you happy. So many people get that wrong. Only YOU can make yourself happy. It makes you too attached to your partner. I think that's part of why you don't trust her much. You feel like losing her would make you unhappy and you would never be able to become happy again, because it was her who gave you the happiness.

Not to be rude but the fact that you know worse doesn't make it excusable what he has done. Whilst you are totally right about him being a narcissist, self obsessed about his problems and his life like he's the only one who matters-
She doesn't have to "fix" him that lies with him and his efforts to change his terrible attitude thought process and actions. Everything is his fault 100% but the you were correct as OP at least recognised his faults. OP change you psychologist ASAP because they are clearly not addressing the issue firmly enough- it will get worse and worse what you are now it the tip of the iceberg and it needs to stop. You gf is a human for god sakes she I mean you're not perfect either look at the "flaws" like you listed now STOP putting her on a pedestal bless her for actually staying after that it may be her attempt of being by your side in such a difficult time. You don't deserve that and frankly free her and let her be and concentrate on yourself and mend your ways once and for all is all I have to say. Take my words seriously.

Sorry but I'm not some 'wife-beating' domestic abuser here. I've been candid about things and transparent about the psychological issues that lie beneath. She hasn't exactly been so understanding at times, and can be dismissive.

I'm just going to get to the point.

- If you can't stand to face your problems head on and call it for what it is, how can you reasonably expect others to do so? You are not the only one going through life with ****ty colleagues and problems with emotional dysregulation while expecting your girlfriend to leave her own opinions and preferences aside to fully cater to yours; but let me ask you this, does some part of you feel justified about the way you are? You seem to think that there is a redeeming basis for how you act when there is none whatsoever. Deep down you know that most other women won't put up with your blsht. Instead of treating her better, you choose to step on the one person who, for reasons beyond me, has not chosen cut off all contact. Trying to convince a bunch of strangers that you are a * a good man * despite your flaws is misguided. We don't know you, and we don't exactly want to comprehensively understand you (there's the local catholic priest for that). Tell me, what will it serve in the long run? It is you who needs to dig deep and understand the source of and remedy for all this. Change is solely up to you- we don't live in your head! We have no say whatsoever on how you react to daily situations!

- I don't know how your father behaves towards your mother--if you grew up with a father at all, and what issues you have with your mother, but I suggest that all this be explored with your next therapist.

- Life will always throw curveballs at you and unless you are a lifelong ascetic hermit or incredibly wealthy and powerful, nobody will bend over backwards to please you or give a damn about what you are going through 99% of the time. I don't know what you were raised to expect or deserve from life, but welcome to the real world. Find a constructive outlet like the gym, music, creative writing etc. by which you can channel all that pent-up frustration (and there is a time and place to channel it, which I suspect you already know but refuse to adhere to).

- Until you develop emotional self-sufficiency, you will forever let yourself and your partner down in relationships and wonder how did things get so bad. Also, find yourself a respectable male mentor--online/offline/real/fictional, whatever--just have some sort of pivot to get you goal-oriented about changing yourself for the better.

- Irrational anger/aggression is not a heroic, misunderstood trait and has no place in modern, civilised urban life, because this is not "Call of Duty"; if you want that, go to war torn places and see how far all of your dysfunctional behaviour will carry you. Everybody has a choice in how to react. If you abscond from that responsibility, how exactly are you exercising your free will to its full potential? The only real freedom we have is to choose how we react to others. You're acting as if you're on some sort of leash. Why seek understanding when it behooves you to do some introspection? How do you expect to progress when you're consumed by self-pity?I don't know what else to say except for the fact that I did not set out to make you feel good or bad about what you are going through, just realistic. Hope I've opened your eyes and mind to your current predicament somewhat. This is part of what being an adult means. Not being lucid and informed will just keep you going in circles without any substantial progress.

- Develop some skills/point of expertise to cement that self-esteem of yours to enable you to carry on when the going gets tough. Have something to be proud of about yourself, so that you're not always on the edge of a cliff when the world seems to be closing in on you. What do you value or like about yourself? What do you do better than most around you?


Getting your life in order, being self-reliant, respecting others as autonomous beings with agency, understanding the basic 'do unto others' golden rule will generally eliminate the need to manipulate.

Grow some spine and fight your own battles. I wonder why you did not confront that colleague in front of your girlfriend to expose her for what she really is. At least your girlfriend would've gotten to see firsthand what the issue was and put two and two together. What's with the passive-aggression? Why is the onus on how to behave on your girlfriend? Bring the subject up! All you're doing is simmering deep down inside and then blowing up on an unsuspecting person for what you had 0 confidence to do.

Your only pedestal should be your future, idealised self. When you try your best day to day, you'll find that you'll enjoy your own company more without the overwhelming urge to pedestal-ise others. It is obvious but bears mentioning that having a girlfriend is about complementing what already exists instead of making up for what is lacking within you (because a relationship based on the latter is a ticking time bomb).

Ps. Love is a verb, it ceases to exist when one stops caring and putting in the effort. It is about selfless giving without any expectations in return. Do not mistake the following for love:

dependency, infatuation, lust, fulfillment of societal expectation to be in a relationship, loneliness, solipsism, narcissism, *settling*, expectations of 'loyal alliance', having the same views and opinions about everything, compliance without question, escapism from a life lack of meaning, facilitating one's need to control others, waiting and expecting to be rescued from an otherwise sh**y life, transacting the body in exchange for financial security, racial fetishisation, etc.

Romanticising what you think love is and should be (i.e. all or parts of the above) is toxic .


Lastly, wife-beaters have their own set of problems which you would not in a million years want to deal with, believe me. Be grateful for but never complacent about the extent of your issues.


Best of luck, and feel free to neg if you feel that any of that has not been helpful.