is my boyfriend over his ex and does he even love me?

genuine advice please. i love my boyfriend and he’s my first long term relationship. however, there’s been a lot of bumps in the road. we have been together for 6 months. he dated a girl a year ago for 2 months who was older than him and he said he loved her after like a week, and they practised a lot of sex together. he was 15. i can’t help but think i can’t compare even though she cheated on him. he claims to hate her but i doubt it because he was obsessed with her until he met me basically. i see so many things that he does to me that reflect that. for example, he insists and pressures me into having anal sex which was her favourite although it causes me pain and makes me cry. he never buys me gifts or things, only plushies he knows i have no interest in. i have asked for cheap flowers but he never gets them. but he was able to buy his ex shirts and earrings and gifts when she was mad even though he only knew her 2 months. he treats me very well outside of these things but there’s a lot of inconsistencies in his stories. he claimed i was his “first love” but he’s said “i love you” to both of his exes, including his last obsession. he loves emo girls, (i used to be goth but now im very basic and girly) and his ex was emo. he says his type has changed but everytime we are getting ready he tries to get me to wear dark colours etc. he mentions her randomly, like i’ll say a name, and he will say hers, thinking that’s what i said, or he will compare them to tom and summer from 500 days of summer. he is a very kind, loving boy, and his family really loves me, but i genuinely don’t know what he thinks of me. he has said random girls look like her before. i just don’t know what to do. i love him but we fight so often and im very insecure and don’t quite trust him after she messaged him while we were together and he refused to block her to “prevent arguments.”

what do i do? don’t suggest breaking up, that wont happen, i love him too much and he is a part of my life. i’ve talked to him and he admitted me loved her but he doesn’t anymore but i don’t believe him.

Alright, I need to address some things that you have asked about here, and some other things that you've mentioned but haven't asked about.

First, in general it's perfectly normal to be anxious about your other half's previous relationships. In this case there was another girl that your boyfriend had sex with, so it's natural that would feel anxious about that. In reality two months is no time at all. It's long enough to be besotted with someone certainly, but not to love them or to form any sort of proper emotional bond with them. That's really less of a relationship and more of a fling, but at the age of 15 it can certainly seem more important than it was. But the fact is that he is no longer with her (seemingly for good reason), and is with you. He has made that decision, and it's one that you should trust unless you have a good reason not to.

Second, teenagers are immature. You're immature, but teenage boys are really immature. No one at your age really knows who they love, and it is very difficult to get into meaningful relationships because none of you are really mature enough for it. I met my wife when we were 18, and whilst we have been together for a long time, and are married with kids now, we look back on our relationship when we first met (and even for the first few years) and laugh about how incredibly dysfunctional it was at the time. But that's very much how teenage relationships are. Of course I appreciate that you're not going to be able to process that and right now this all seems like the most important thing in the world. And that's fine. Even though in time your perspective will change, all of this experience is useful and I'm not suggesting that it shouldn't be important to you. But it does mean that things like the inconsistencies in him saying who he has loved are explainable, because honestly all of your hormones and feelings are all over the place here and no one can really interpret them. None of you really knows what's going on emotionally. And that's fine; you're teenagers.

Third, having said all of that there are serious red flags here that you need to reflect on. Specifically, this:

Original post by anonypixie

he insists and pressures me into having anal sex which was her favourite although it causes me pain and makes me cry.

I'm not overly concerned about the not buying gifts and flowers, but this is a problem. It is not acceptable, at any age, to pressure someone into having sex like this. Even if he doesn't realise he's doing it (which is perhaps unlikely, but possible), when he sees that it hurts you and makes you cry, he should be stopping immediately. I know you have strong feelings towards him, but the fact he should not be doing this, and you deserve better than this. There are times in any relationship where you may consent to sex when you're not fully on board with it, and that's not a problem. But being pressured into sex is different, and being pressured into doing something that causes you physical pain and makes you cry should never happen. If he is doing this repeatedly despite knowing you don't want to do it and knowing that it hurts you, you really need to get rid of him. You need to be with someone who respects your own desires, who prioritises your physical and emotional wellbeing and, frankly, someone who doesn't do things that cause you physical pain like this. The real concern is that someone like this may well go further in future and seek to control or hurt you in other ways, but irrespective, he is not treating you well and you deserve someone who will.

Reply 2

greentiger

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Original post by anonypixie

genuine advice please. i love my boyfriend and he’s my first long term relationship. however, there’s been a lot of bumps in the road. we have been together for 6 months. he dated a girl a year ago for 2 months who was older than him and he said he loved her after like a week, and they practised a lot of sex together. he was 15. i can’t help but think i can’t compare even though she cheated on him. he claims to hate her but i doubt it because he was obsessed with her until he met me basically. i see so many things that he does to me that reflect that. for example, he insists and pressures me into having anal sex which was her favourite although it causes me pain and makes me cry. he never buys me gifts or things, only plushies he knows i have no interest in. i have asked for cheap flowers but he never gets them. but he was able to buy his ex shirts and earrings and gifts when she was mad even though he only knew her 2 months. he treats me very well outside of these things but there’s a lot of inconsistencies in his stories. he claimed i was his “first love” but he’s said “i love you” to both of his exes, including his last obsession. he loves emo girls, (i used to be goth but now im very basic and girly) and his ex was emo. he says his type has changed but everytime we are getting ready he tries to get me to wear dark colours etc. he mentions her randomly, like i’ll say a name, and he will say hers, thinking that’s what i said, or he will compare them to tom and summer from 500 days of summer. he is a very kind, loving boy, and his family really loves me, but i genuinely don’t know what he thinks of me. he has said random girls look like her before. i just don’t know what to do. i love him but we fight so often and im very insecure and don’t quite trust him after she messaged him while we were together and he refused to block her to “prevent arguments.”

what do i do? don’t suggest breaking up, that wont happen, i love him too much and he is a part of my life. i’ve talked to him and he admitted me loved her but he doesn’t anymore but i don’t believe him.

Everything Crazy Jamie said I also have to back up completely. Teenage love means nothing until about the age of 18-21 onwards when the brain is settling down and mostly developed. At your age no one knows what love is and it’s hard to realise that until you look back. One of my first loves was when i was 15 and we were together for a year, the end devastated me completely but actually it was a situation very much like yours. I was blinded and he was emotionally manipulative. But being young and naive you don’t realise these things and they hurt more than they should when it comes to an end. Looking back I always wonder why I was so hung up and sensitive but that’s how it is when you’re a teenager.

in all honesty, if you’re calling a 6 month relationship long term, to me that basically suggests your first proper relationship but I would not be classing this as long term. To me it sounds like you’re blinded by your feelings as he does not sound like a great person, depending on how long he got with you after the ex (even if he was only with her two months) you could very much be his emotional rebound which would explain why he always thinks you mention her and points out people who look like her on the street. When you’ve been cheated on it takes a long time to get over especially when you think the person you are with is perfect (which in the 3 month period you think they are amazing and cannot see a single imperfection). All this means he hasn’t processed his ex cheating yet even if he claims he’s past it. It took me a year and a half to get over my cheating ex and it still affects me to this day. I thought he was the one for me, which out of my other relationships he was the best i’ve had other than how he turned towards the end with his cheating and manipulative behaviour.

I would personally get out of this relationship and let him focus on himself as it doesn’t sound like it’s good for either of you. You because you’re concerned as mentioned, which is totally understandable and would’ve stressed me out too; and him for the fact that he’s hiding his true feelings and trying to stay strong out in the public. Teenager hormones make everything seem more extreme than it really is which again is why both of you are struggling in this relationship in secret.

is my boyfriend over his ex and does he even love me?

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