What do you think about my boyfriend's attitude towards sex?
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Original post by masterfulprof
Anon, look, the others are well-meaning but they truly don't understand.
And look what happens when you listen to them e.g. when they sugest you interrogate him directly after sex!
What a nightmare! If you value any of this DO NOT make demands and interrogate after sex. That's a sacred time.
Overall, the prognosis is not hopeful in the ways that you want it to be.
Simply asking him to "switch on" and try initiating etc. just doesn't do it. They're not his core values and will make sex seem an imposition to him. Increasingly, over time, this will cause friction and even when he does it, it will not be convincing.
A nondominant, inexperienced male "trying" to dominate is, quite frankly worse than useless. It provokes laughter and frustration that totally contradict the whole point of being dominated - which is, to feel totally and elementally a woman, in ways that don't need to be explained but are monumentally gratifying. You know this. So do I. He doesn't. And won't.
He offers other things. You're going to have to weight this carefully but don't expect to compel him to change and still maintain your current respect for him.
Newsflash: changing is a damned if you do procedure for men. Girls lose respect for men who can be manipulated in this way, even though they test them all the time. It's their tacit way of determining his psychological independence, and thus manliness.
This dilemma isn't as usual. My mistresses often got bored with their steady-eddy types because as their first flush of excitement of simply being in the relationship began to wane, the need for sexual stimulation increases. It becomes more, not less, important. If you aren't getting what you need, there
is no way you'll survive the challenges/rocky times to come.
Bad influence though I am, no girl wants to end her mistress relationship with me. We're all human. Girls are just as into this as boys.
When I get my need, I seek a cute new mistress and get my fix. So does she.
So, you could try to accept taking more of a dominant role - that will turn him on for sure. It's fun for a change but it gets quite fatiguing if you're more submissive inclined. Which many intelligent and accomplished females are. But no such female can submit to a milquetoast guy. Or a doofus - remember the soliloquy.
Or, keep it with him but hook up with a genuinely dominant older guy and taste the real deal. You may love it. Or it may be too much for you. You will never be at peace until you find out. Visualize being older and attached to this guy and still wondering...and knowing... that you will never know. That's worse than the other options.
Carpe diem.
And look what happens when you listen to them e.g. when they sugest you interrogate him directly after sex!
What a nightmare! If you value any of this DO NOT make demands and interrogate after sex. That's a sacred time.Overall, the prognosis is not hopeful in the ways that you want it to be.
Simply asking him to "switch on" and try initiating etc. just doesn't do it. They're not his core values and will make sex seem an imposition to him. Increasingly, over time, this will cause friction and even when he does it, it will not be convincing.
A nondominant, inexperienced male "trying" to dominate is, quite frankly worse than useless. It provokes laughter and frustration that totally contradict the whole point of being dominated - which is, to feel totally and elementally a woman, in ways that don't need to be explained but are monumentally gratifying. You know this. So do I. He doesn't. And won't.
He offers other things. You're going to have to weight this carefully but don't expect to compel him to change and still maintain your current respect for him.
Newsflash: changing is a damned if you do procedure for men. Girls lose respect for men who can be manipulated in this way, even though they test them all the time. It's their tacit way of determining his psychological independence, and thus manliness.
This dilemma isn't as usual. My mistresses often got bored with their steady-eddy types because as their first flush of excitement of simply being in the relationship began to wane, the need for sexual stimulation increases. It becomes more, not less, important. If you aren't getting what you need, there
is no way you'll survive the challenges/rocky times to come.
Bad influence though I am, no girl wants to end her mistress relationship with me. We're all human. Girls are just as into this as boys.
When I get my need, I seek a cute new mistress and get my fix. So does she.
So, you could try to accept taking more of a dominant role - that will turn him on for sure. It's fun for a change but it gets quite fatiguing if you're more submissive inclined. Which many intelligent and accomplished females are. But no such female can submit to a milquetoast guy. Or a doofus - remember the soliloquy.
Or, keep it with him but hook up with a genuinely dominant older guy and taste the real deal. You may love it. Or it may be too much for you. You will never be at peace until you find out. Visualize being older and attached to this guy and still wondering...and knowing... that you will never know. That's worse than the other options.
Carpe diem.
The thing is that my desire to dominate him, and be dominated fluctuates. There was one time when I took charge and started to tease, then actually he grabbed hold of me and took charge himself
But this is so rare.I told him I need more pressure/for him to do some kinkier things and he's immediately started doing them and taken it on board. And, I'm not yet conviced that we know eachother well enough/have got to a stage of comfort to
think this is how it will always be yet. The thing is he's really adventurous
everywhere else in life so it's a bit confusing. After the last talk, and after the bad feelings towards eachother subsided, I started talking about crazy fantasies I'd heardabout (you know, just to bring in the idea in general...) and he took it in good humour/chatted with me about it. It was all a bit of a joke though so I don't know what he'd be like talking about the real deal!
But its the inherent nature of this dominating me, but probably not really meaning it that bugs me - I fear that it may always be 'unconvincing'. I think if it
were always to be like that I'd feel like there was something missing.
Thanks very, very much for this post. I'm not going to worry too much about years down the line, though - if I was unhappy I wouldn't let it get that far. But I think giving everything more time first is owed.
Can you think of any way to get him to open up about any fantasies he might have (at some point) ?
Original post by Anonymous
Can you think of any way to get him to open up about any fantasies he might have (at some point) ?
One thing my girlfriend did for me is try out things until I expressed an interest in some of them. It's quite possible (or at least it was for me), that your boyfriend hasn't really formulated many fantasies due to the whole lack of self-confidence stopping him from thinking beyond that. Perhaps you could start with things you like or things that sound interesting, and then ask him what he thought of them afterwards? Hopefully that wouldn't be interpreted as a quiz, but rather you asking for comments and input. It won't give you a direct answer, but at least you might have a vague idea of where to go.
Original post by SithDoughnut
One thing my girlfriend did for me is try out things until I expressed an interest in some of them. It's quite possible (or at least it was for me), that your boyfriend hasn't really formulated many fantasies due to the whole lack of self-confidence stopping him from thinking beyond that. Perhaps you could start with things you like or things that sound interesting, and then ask him what he thought of them afterwards? Hopefully that wouldn't be interpreted as a quiz, but rather you asking for comments and input. It won't give you a direct answer, but at least you might have a vague idea of where to go.
I think you might have hit the nail on the head there.
To be honest, I'm quite a creative person in the outside world but have struggled to think of some things. There are a couple of things - but after that...you can't give any tips on here can you?
OMG THAT IS SO SWEET WHAT HE SAID!! I cannot imagine I'd hear such a thing from my bf. This is like a Bella and Edward line... 'If sex didn't exist I'd still be happy just lying with you'...
I feel like writing a book right about now.....
lol, seriously though...you should not be annoyed with your bf for saying this to you. It just shows that he has huge amounts of respect for you and he loves your company so much that he doesn't even need to have sex to complete the bond between you too..
I feel like writing a book right about now.....
lol, seriously though...you should not be annoyed with your bf for saying this to you. It just shows that he has huge amounts of respect for you and he loves your company so much that he doesn't even need to have sex to complete the bond between you too..
Original post by Anonymous
The thing is that my desire to dominate him, and be dominated fluctuates. There was one time when I took charge and started to tease, then actually he grabbed hold of me and took charge himself But this is so rare.
I told him I need more pressure/for him to do some kinkier things and he's immediately started doing them and taken it on board. And, I'm not yet conviced that we know eachother well enough/have got to a stage of comfort to
think this is how it will always be yet....
But its the inherent nature of this dominating me, but probably not really meaning it that bugs me - I fear that it may always be 'unconvincing'. I think if it
were always to be like that I'd feel like there was something missing.
Thanks very, very much for this post. I'm not going to worry too much about years down the line, though - if I was unhappy I wouldn't let it get that far. But I think giving everything more time first is owed.
Can you think of any way to get him to open up about any fantasies he might have (at some point) ?
But this is so rare.I told him I need more pressure/for him to do some kinkier things and he's immediately started doing them and taken it on board. And, I'm not yet conviced that we know eachother well enough/have got to a stage of comfort to
think this is how it will always be yet....
But its the inherent nature of this dominating me, but probably not really meaning it that bugs me - I fear that it may always be 'unconvincing'. I think if it
were always to be like that I'd feel like there was something missing.
Thanks very, very much for this post. I'm not going to worry too much about years down the line, though - if I was unhappy I wouldn't let it get that far. But I think giving everything more time first is owed.
Can you think of any way to get him to open up about any fantasies he might have (at some point) ?
First, it's a great thing that you want kinkier stuff, that you want to feel alive and express yourself in this way.
You could ask him, but I don't think that's the answer.
Look, I have a lot of experience in this field. It did not come to me in my 20s. Actually back then I literally couldn't understand what being dominant meant. I had the stupid whips n props ideology and was repelled by that concept. I didn't want to acknowledge that I could have a dominant personality. I didn't want to admit that girls enjoyed it. I thought that good girls shouldn't want to be spanked/have their hair pulled/dresses ripped off etc. I looked down on them for admitting they did so. Like some here at TSR.
I was so wrong. I was judgmental and controlling and cloaked my lack of experience under the guise of self-appointed morality. Shame on me
To those few girls who had the guts back then to tell me this and do what they wanted, I apologize.In my 30s I began to enjoy the adventures and as my confidence and experience built, I found my expression. It's natural to me now. I'm very comfortable with it. My girls are very comfortable with me...because I'm comfortable with myself, and because I'm not nervous about what to do, how to do it, etc.
It seems simple in concept but it's not something from a menu, or a set of prescribed actions. Even the way your bra gets removed sets the tone. If you're so inclined, even the way a dominant man touches you, it sends shivers.
As a woman, submission involves a complex set of emotions. It is something into which you will need to be led and guided and in order for this to work for you, it means you need to regard the male as someone who has the experience and capacity to do so. You need to know he's more experienced than you, that he's going to lead you when you express doubts but really want more than anything to continue. This takes a lot of skill and experience. Signals that get misread during submission can cause embarrassment, frustration and humiliation. You have to rely on him to read these correctly and it's not easy. Particularly during the strong emotions of a sexual encounter.
I'm afraid there's something faintly comical about a boy in his 20s thinking he's "dominant." He doesn't have the experience in life, in numerous situations, in dealing with people, women's sexual needs etc. to believe in himself to this degree. He can't take charge in the commanding, yet respectful and considerate, way that makes women melt. You need him to make you WANT to submit. How hard is that.
To your situation.
You said "I fear that it may always be 'unconvincing'. I think if it
were always to be like that I'd feel like there was something missing."
Exactly. a. You don't know if it's his core personality, and neither does he, and b. he's not capable of mastering you, yet.
You're going to have to allow him to develop and he may not do so in ways you need. That's reality.
Original post by masterfulprof
First, it's a great thing that you want kinkier stuff, that you want to feel alive and express yourself in this way.
You could ask him, but I don't think that's the answer.
Look, I have a lot of experience in this field. It did not come to me in my 20s. Actually back then I literally couldn't understand what being dominant meant. I had the stupid whips n props ideology and was repelled by that concept. I didn't want to acknowledge that I could have a dominant personality. I didn't want to admit that girls enjoyed it. I thought that good girls shouldn't want to be spanked/have their hair pulled/dresses ripped off etc. I looked down on them for admitting they did so. Like some here at TSR.
I was so wrong. I was judgmental and controlling and cloaked my lack of experience under the guise of self-appointed morality. Shame on me To those few girls who had the guts back then to tell me this and do what they wanted, I apologize.
In my 30s I began to enjoy the adventures and as my confidence and experience built, I found my expression. It's natural to me now. I'm very comfortable with it. My girls are very comfortable with me...because I'm comfortable with myself, and because I'm not nervous about what to do, how to do it, etc.
It seems simple in concept but it's not something from a menu, or a set of prescribed actions. Even the way your bra gets removed sets the tone. If you're so inclined, even the way a dominant man touches you, it sends shivers.
As a woman, submission involves a complex set of emotions. It is something into which you will need to be led and guided and in order for this to work for you, it means you need to regard the male as someone who has the experience and capacity to do so. You need to know he's more experienced than you, that he's going to lead you when you express doubts but really want more than anything to continue. This takes a lot of skill and experience. Signals that get misread during submission can cause embarrassment, frustration and humiliation. You have to rely on him to read these correctly and it's not easy. Particularly during the strong emotions of a sexual encounter.
I'm afraid there's something faintly comical about a boy in his 20s thinking he's "dominant." He doesn't have the experience in life, in numerous situations, in dealing with people, women's sexual needs etc. to believe in himself to this degree. He can't take charge in the commanding, yet respectful and considerate, way that makes women melt. You need him to make you WANT to submit. How hard is that.
To your situation.
You said "I fear that it may always be 'unconvincing'. I think if it
were always to be like that I'd feel like there was something missing."
Exactly. a. You don't know if it's his core personality, and neither does he, and b. he's not capable of mastering you, yet.
You're going to have to allow him to develop and he may not do so in ways you need. That's reality.
You could ask him, but I don't think that's the answer.
Look, I have a lot of experience in this field. It did not come to me in my 20s. Actually back then I literally couldn't understand what being dominant meant. I had the stupid whips n props ideology and was repelled by that concept. I didn't want to acknowledge that I could have a dominant personality. I didn't want to admit that girls enjoyed it. I thought that good girls shouldn't want to be spanked/have their hair pulled/dresses ripped off etc. I looked down on them for admitting they did so. Like some here at TSR.
I was so wrong. I was judgmental and controlling and cloaked my lack of experience under the guise of self-appointed morality. Shame on me
To those few girls who had the guts back then to tell me this and do what they wanted, I apologize.In my 30s I began to enjoy the adventures and as my confidence and experience built, I found my expression. It's natural to me now. I'm very comfortable with it. My girls are very comfortable with me...because I'm comfortable with myself, and because I'm not nervous about what to do, how to do it, etc.
It seems simple in concept but it's not something from a menu, or a set of prescribed actions. Even the way your bra gets removed sets the tone. If you're so inclined, even the way a dominant man touches you, it sends shivers.
As a woman, submission involves a complex set of emotions. It is something into which you will need to be led and guided and in order for this to work for you, it means you need to regard the male as someone who has the experience and capacity to do so. You need to know he's more experienced than you, that he's going to lead you when you express doubts but really want more than anything to continue. This takes a lot of skill and experience. Signals that get misread during submission can cause embarrassment, frustration and humiliation. You have to rely on him to read these correctly and it's not easy. Particularly during the strong emotions of a sexual encounter.
I'm afraid there's something faintly comical about a boy in his 20s thinking he's "dominant." He doesn't have the experience in life, in numerous situations, in dealing with people, women's sexual needs etc. to believe in himself to this degree. He can't take charge in the commanding, yet respectful and considerate, way that makes women melt. You need him to make you WANT to submit. How hard is that.
To your situation.
You said "I fear that it may always be 'unconvincing'. I think if it
were always to be like that I'd feel like there was something missing."
Exactly. a. You don't know if it's his core personality, and neither does he, and b. he's not capable of mastering you, yet.
You're going to have to allow him to develop and he may not do so in ways you need. That's reality.
I suppose that's true. I am his first lover, so in reality he's only had sexual experience for the past few months.
But in accordance with what you said about this attitude coming with experience...are you saying, then, that he won't be able to develop in that way for another decade (or so)?
Interestingly, he's recently been...promoted...(now cautious in case he's on here
) and he says he likes the new leader role because of all the learning curves that will come with it. I mean, as you say, he's in his early 20s and developing...This is, in a way, an issue I've had before. I was with a guy when I was a few years ago that had no idea what he was doing...what I will say is, he was dominant, but terrible. The current guy isn't dominant, but he gives me mind-blowing orgasms every time. Anyway,after we broke up, me and the ex...I temporarily ended up with a guy eight years older. And it was like a door had been opened.
I've been told by people close to me that I need a dominant guy because I'm like that too - someone to 'match' me. But now I've found a guy whose not quite like this (but definitely not submissive in all counts), I've put that to the back of my mind. Honestly, he makes me happy in all other ways...
That's why I want to give it time and see how it plays out. I didn't get together with the last guy that asked me out because - although he was dominant, he wasn't very good at emotional aspects of the relationship.
I don't want to have it in my head that my boyfriend will always be like this - because then I would just be leading him on, if I kept the relationship on. I have no way of seeing into the future (nor does he) but if I keep at this with him, and maybe approach things in a more relaxed manner, who knows what could happen. I can accept that this might be a reality, but not accept that it is a reality. There's no way of knowing yet.
Original post by Anonymous
Before we had sex/were seeing eachother, he commented on how he thought sex was 'a really important part' of a relationship. But since we actually started having sex, I'm not always convinced he feels this way.
First of all, he would always initiate foreplay, but never actual sex (aside from the very first time we had it) - this happened repeatedly and when I told him how unwanted this was making me feel, he initiated the next time we were together. Apparently the reason he hadn't initiated before was because he didn't want to do anything I didn't feel comfortable with...but to an extent I felt the damage on my self esteem was done.
Then one night after ridiculous miscommuncation about me giving him a blowjob, we got into a fight and I finally ended up saying to him:
'What does sex mean to you in this relationship? - to which he replied -
'If sex didn't exist, I'd be happy just lying with you.'
I was horrified! Not what I wanted to hear. When he realised how upset I was by his answer he tried to say he thought it was sweet! I then went on to say that for me its a really important part of intimacy with him, to which he replied that 'yeah', sex was a part of intimacy but that there were lots of other thing that are a part of intimacy...' - then when I accused him of having a low sex drive and not being bothered about sex with me, this really annoyed him. He said that while he'd say I had a higher sex drive, he certainly didn't have a low sex drive. And he also said that he was annoyed that I thought he didn't value sex.
We were also talking about oral sex, and he said he was surprised to be getting it from me regularly (he was a virgin before me). He said 'well it can't be the most pleasant thing to do...' - and again this annoyed me. Why couldn't he just let me give him a blowjob without questioning it! But he went on to say he absolutely loves getting them, and I could tell he meant it.
But I'm still worried about his 'if sex didn't exist...' comment. What do you think? Should I be worried?
First of all, he would always initiate foreplay, but never actual sex (aside from the very first time we had it) - this happened repeatedly and when I told him how unwanted this was making me feel, he initiated the next time we were together. Apparently the reason he hadn't initiated before was because he didn't want to do anything I didn't feel comfortable with...but to an extent I felt the damage on my self esteem was done.
Then one night after ridiculous miscommuncation about me giving him a blowjob, we got into a fight and I finally ended up saying to him:
'What does sex mean to you in this relationship? - to which he replied -
'If sex didn't exist, I'd be happy just lying with you.'
I was horrified! Not what I wanted to hear. When he realised how upset I was by his answer he tried to say he thought it was sweet! I then went on to say that for me its a really important part of intimacy with him, to which he replied that 'yeah', sex was a part of intimacy but that there were lots of other thing that are a part of intimacy...' - then when I accused him of having a low sex drive and not being bothered about sex with me, this really annoyed him. He said that while he'd say I had a higher sex drive, he certainly didn't have a low sex drive. And he also said that he was annoyed that I thought he didn't value sex.
We were also talking about oral sex, and he said he was surprised to be getting it from me regularly (he was a virgin before me). He said 'well it can't be the most pleasant thing to do...' - and again this annoyed me. Why couldn't he just let me give him a blowjob without questioning it! But he went on to say he absolutely loves getting them, and I could tell he meant it.
But I'm still worried about his 'if sex didn't exist...' comment. What do you think? Should I be worried?
Maybe he's worried because he's lost his sex drive. There's quite a few things that can cause that, try talking to him. Depression, lack of sleep, injuries, several diseases, not eating right - it's one of the most common things!
Original post by AkDo
Maybe he's worried because he's lost his sex drive. There's quite a few things that can cause that, try talking to him. Depression, lack of sleep, injuries, several diseases, not eating right - it's one of the most common things!
If he's lost it, he never had it to begin with. He never pressured me, but he was the one keen to move on to intercourse sooner than I was.It was more the lack of frequency/initiating that worried me, but that has't been an issue recently. Possibly because he realises the importance of regular sex for me, but I'm not sure to be honest...
Original post by Anonymous
I suppose that's true. I am his first lover, so in reality he's only had sexual experience for the past few months.
But in accordance with what you said about this attitude coming with experience...are you saying, then, that he won't be able to develop in that way for another decade (or so)?
But in accordance with what you said about this attitude coming with experience...are you saying, then, that he won't be able to develop in that way for another decade (or so)?
Probably not in the ways you want and need. See your own statement lower down, about the guy in his 30s and how he made you feel. That's why.
Original post by Anonymous
Interestingly, he's recently been...promoted...(now cautious in case he's on here ) and he says he likes the new leader role because of all the learning curves that will come with it. I mean, as you say, he's in his early 20s and developing...
This is, in a way, an issue I've had before. I was with a guy when I was a few years ago that had no idea what he was doing...what I will say is, he was dominant, but terrible. The current guy isn't dominant, but he gives me mind-blowing orgasms every time. Anyway,after we broke up, me and the ex...I temporarily ended up with a guy eight years older. And it was like a door had been opened.
) and he says he likes the new leader role because of all the learning curves that will come with it. I mean, as you say, he's in his early 20s and developing...This is, in a way, an issue I've had before. I was with a guy when I was a few years ago that had no idea what he was doing...what I will say is, he was dominant, but terrible. The current guy isn't dominant, but he gives me mind-blowing orgasms every time. Anyway,after we broke up, me and the ex...I temporarily ended up with a guy eight years older. And it was like a door had been opened.
What you say appears as a flash every now and then on the boards. You're not the only one who says so - you realize what you are saying horrifies some of the younger and less experienced posters here. Especially when stated by me, in bold ways
It's funny how your statement is almost verbatim what one of my student mistresses said about "Pandora's box" being opened up. You didn't know about that convo, but others do and it's consistent with what we're discussing here.
Original post by Anonymous
I've been told by people close to me that I need a dominant guy because I'm like that too - someone to 'match' me. But now I've found a guy whose not quite like this (but definitely not submissive in all counts), I've put that to the back of my mind. Honestly, he makes me happy in all other ways...
Dominance isn't a cloak, or a set of actions. It's a way of thinking. This is super-complicated, as you realize, because while you may relish being dominated in the bedroom - a lot of girls enjoy this - you do not want spillover into daily life. Younger guys are crude about this - they express immature dominance and don't have boundaries for it, or they're pretending when in fact, they really have a more submissive character. Nothing wrong with that, there are females who are dominant and there's a good match for them. But...
Original post by Anonymous
That's why I want to give it time and see how it plays out. I didn't get together with the last guy that asked me out because - although he was dominant, he wasn't very good at emotional aspects of the relationship.
See above. Mature dominance is much more sophisticated. It's not realistic to expect young males, struggling with the basics, to be able to deliver this. They don't have the experience, maturity, training and responsibility to understand how to manage their drive, and so on.
Original post by Anonymous
I don't want to have it in my head that my boyfriend will always be like this - because then I would just be leading him on, if I kept the relationship on. I have no way of seeing into the future (nor does he) but if I keep at this with him, and maybe approach things in a more relaxed manner, who knows what could happen. I can accept that this might be a reality, but not accept that it is a reality. There's no way of knowing yet.
There is a giant gap between the sexual expectations/maturity of a woman in her early 20s and a male of the same age. I remember this. The only reason I was able to handle my lovers in my early 20s was that I'd been with more mature women who initiated and taught me. I still wasn't sure about the boundaries and of course, not being professionally responsible for managing people, meant I didn't understand other aspects of managing dominance.
As you suspect, and as I said before, you can't know, now, how this will end up.
His promotion is the very first step in this development. The thing is, the responsibility may help him feel at ease with authority, or it may also be a psychological drain on him.
You know exactly what you want, even if you can't articulate it all yet, but you can't "make" him develop to deliver it.
Welcome to the accommodations you must make for the real world ahead! Life gets more complex, not less, as time moves on. Mortgage, house, kids, family deaths and more, all will layer complexity on the relationship.
One more thing. For you, it's going to become more important over time. Your need to indulge this will grow as your own career develops.
I see how welcome my experience is when I meet women with these preferences. For instance, recently on a Latin American biz trip with my professional Latina in her mid-30s, a state prosecutor, responsible, respectable, accomplished....she is always dealing with men, sometimes sending them to jail in a macho culture, and she's tired of it all. Wanting to be respected during our dinner, but then craving to be taken and ravished in private. No pleading, no asking permission, but also no violations of her boundaries. How far should a man go when he uses a woman as his sex toy? You'd better trust his intuition and experience before you open up to experience that fulfilment.
You won't find this level of knowledge in someone who is in the early phases of their career or has been with few women. That's just the way it is. You don't get Pandora's Box from the SEB.
Original post by Anonymous
Update: I talked to him about how I was feeling. We'd had sex earlier and again there didn't seem to be much enthusiasm (despite me dominating this time). I just felt that that passion was missing, and felt upset about it.
So he got defensive initially...I said that while it was nice that he just wanted to make me happy/didn't mind about positions it can come across as not being bothered, even if this isn't what he means. Also, I said that he must have likes/fantasies and that its just as important that he's fulfilled too! And that's what makes me happy.
He said that he didn't mind because he doesn't have a favourite position - and made some sarcastic comment like 'what do you want me to do, bring out the karma sutra and work my way through every position?' - which made me feel more miserable to be honest. I just want him to be more open. To be honest, I'm feeling a lot stronger for him than I have with my last ex, so it's making me want to try things with him more. I also asked him if there's anything he'd like me to do more of/try in bed and there was nothing.
Do you not think this strange? He told me he's happy with our sex life, but the lacklustre approach makes it hard to believe?
Ice Constricter: I asked if he prefers me to dominate him/does he feel uncomfortable about dominating me in any way, and he said 'not at all!' when I can definitely feel nerves. Don't get it.
Upshot: Int he end he said he'll be more decisive about picking positions in the future, and that he could see how he But it makes me sad...I think he feels like I'm trying to turn him into this perfect sexbot, as opposed to having that natural compatibility with eachother.
So he got defensive initially...I said that while it was nice that he just wanted to make me happy/didn't mind about positions it can come across as not being bothered, even if this isn't what he means. Also, I said that he must have likes/fantasies and that its just as important that he's fulfilled too! And that's what makes me happy.
He said that he didn't mind because he doesn't have a favourite position - and made some sarcastic comment like 'what do you want me to do, bring out the karma sutra and work my way through every position?' - which made me feel more miserable to be honest. I just want him to be more open. To be honest, I'm feeling a lot stronger for him than I have with my last ex, so it's making me want to try things with him more. I also asked him if there's anything he'd like me to do more of/try in bed and there was nothing.
Do you not think this strange? He told me he's happy with our sex life, but the lacklustre approach makes it hard to believe?Ice Constricter: I asked if he prefers me to dominate him/does he feel uncomfortable about dominating me in any way, and he said 'not at all!' when I can definitely feel nerves. Don't get it.
Upshot: Int he end he said he'll be more decisive about picking positions in the future, and that he could see how he But it makes me sad...I think he feels like I'm trying to turn him into this perfect sexbot, as opposed to having that natural compatibility with eachother.
How is he supposed to know what he likes, if he's inexperienced and everything he's ever experienced sexually you've experienced with him?
Have a sit down before each sex session and look through a book / online for a new sex idea, then you initiate that (bringing stuff if needed etc). Then next time, it's his turn to bring something new to your sex life. It can be the basis for your whole sexual encounter that day, or just something small and new, make it into a game where you alternate every time. Then he'll learn new things and not be comfortably in the same old.
You want him to know 100% that you enjoy the sex and that he's good. If he doesn't get this he will try to improve what he does and not try anything new. TELL HIM YOU ENJOY IT. Maybe up-play your orgasms/response to sex a bit for a while to build his confidence? Then he'll be more open to trying new things rather than "perfecting" what he's doing now. You want him to know that you want a variety in sex, and you're not just trying to change it because you aren't enjoying what you're doing now.
Original post by Anonymous
How is he supposed to know what he likes, if he's inexperienced and everything he's ever experienced sexually you've experienced with him?
Have a sit down before each sex session and look through a book / online for a new sex idea, then you initiate that (bringing stuff if needed etc). Then next time, it's his turn to bring something new to your sex life. It can be the basis for your whole sexual encounter that day, or just something small and new, make it into a game where you alternate every time. Then he'll learn new things and not be comfortably in the same old.
You want him to know 100% that you enjoy the sex and that he's good. If he doesn't get this he will try to improve what he does and not try anything new. TELL HIM YOU ENJOY IT. Maybe up-play your orgasms/response to sex a bit for a while to build his confidence? Then he'll be more open to trying new things rather than "perfecting" what he's doing now. You want him to know that you want a variety in sex, and you're not just trying to change it because you aren't enjoying what you're doing now.
Have a sit down before each sex session and look through a book / online for a new sex idea, then you initiate that (bringing stuff if needed etc). Then next time, it's his turn to bring something new to your sex life. It can be the basis for your whole sexual encounter that day, or just something small and new, make it into a game where you alternate every time. Then he'll learn new things and not be comfortably in the same old.
You want him to know 100% that you enjoy the sex and that he's good. If he doesn't get this he will try to improve what he does and not try anything new. TELL HIM YOU ENJOY IT. Maybe up-play your orgasms/response to sex a bit for a while to build his confidence? Then he'll be more open to trying new things rather than "perfecting" what he's doing now. You want him to know that you want a variety in sex, and you're not just trying to change it because you aren't enjoying what you're doing now.
Thanks for your reply.
Does this not give it a feel of being a couple-that's-been'together-a-long-time-and- in-dire-need-of-spicing-things-up? I mean...obviously, but in making it a routine/even weekly thing wouldn't that be more likely to think he's terrible/therefore we need this amount of mixing things up?
As for the orgasms: I have nothing to play up, honestly.
He's amazing almost every time. Amazing. Despite this, I don't think he understands who good he makes me feel. I do tell him it's amazing, complete 'bliss' etc which is true, but I still don't think he's very confident?Yeah, I think your last line is important. I enjoy exploring new things with him/new experiences more than I ever have with any other boyfriend...so maybe if I say that to him, and extend it to 'which is why I want that in our sex life too' might work.
I mean, he's so keen for variety in other aspects of life, I don't see why he wouldn't want it in sexOriginal post by Anonymous
How is he supposed to know what he likes, if he's inexperienced and everything he's ever experienced sexually you've experienced with him?
Have a sit down before each sex session and look through a book / online for a new sex idea, then you initiate that (bringing stuff if needed etc). Then next time, it's his turn to bring something new to your sex life. It can be the basis for your whole sexual encounter that day, or just something small and new, make it into a game where you alternate every time. Then he'll learn new things and not be comfortably in the same old.
You want him to know 100% that you enjoy the sex and that he's good. If he doesn't get this he will try to improve what he does and not try anything new. TELL HIM YOU ENJOY IT. Maybe up-play your orgasms/response to sex a bit for a while to build his confidence? Then he'll be more open to trying new things rather than "perfecting" what he's doing now. You want him to know that you want a variety in sex, and you're not just trying to change it because you aren't enjoying what you're doing now.
Have a sit down before each sex session and look through a book / online for a new sex idea, then you initiate that (bringing stuff if needed etc). Then next time, it's his turn to bring something new to your sex life. It can be the basis for your whole sexual encounter that day, or just something small and new, make it into a game where you alternate every time. Then he'll learn new things and not be comfortably in the same old.
You want him to know 100% that you enjoy the sex and that he's good. If he doesn't get this he will try to improve what he does and not try anything new. TELL HIM YOU ENJOY IT. Maybe up-play your orgasms/response to sex a bit for a while to build his confidence? Then he'll be more open to trying new things rather than "perfecting" what he's doing now. You want him to know that you want a variety in sex, and you're not just trying to change it because you aren't enjoying what you're doing now.
I still don't really get his bitter comment: 'what do you want me to do, try out every move from the karma sutra' - it was quite cutting and made me feel like he had no desire to be adventurous whatsoever. I mean, why say that?
Original post by Anonymous
I still don't really get his bitter comment: 'what do you want me to do, try out every move from the karma sutra' - it was quite cutting and made me feel like he had no desire to be adventurous whatsoever. I mean, why say that?
Perhaps if he says something along those lines again, try replying with "that sounds fun, let's look some moves up!"
I imagine that he's venting because he feels pressured to come up with ideas and input that he doesn't have, and feeling like a failure can make you quite annoyed. Judging by your posts so far, it seems like you're going to have to take charge, at least for a little while. It's quite possible that he actually doesn't have any desire to be adventurous, because he's still not comfortable with the basics. You asked earlier for possible suggestions, perhaps the Kama Sutra might be interesting?
Original post by SithDoughnut
Perhaps if he says something along those lines again, try replying with "that sounds fun, let's look some moves up!"
I imagine that he's venting because he feels pressured to come up with ideas and input that he doesn't have, and feeling like a failure can make you quite annoyed. Judging by your posts so far, it seems like you're going to have to take charge, at least for a little while. It's quite possible that he actually doesn't have any desire to be adventurous, because he's still not comfortable with the basics. You asked earlier for possible suggestions, perhaps the Kama Sutra might be interesting?
I imagine that he's venting because he feels pressured to come up with ideas and input that he doesn't have, and feeling like a failure can make you quite annoyed. Judging by your posts so far, it seems like you're going to have to take charge, at least for a little while. It's quite possible that he actually doesn't have any desire to be adventurous, because he's still not comfortable with the basics. You asked earlier for possible suggestions, perhaps the Kama Sutra might be interesting?
Sounds like a good idea.
Well that would make sense. I'm comfortable with the basics, which is why I'm ready to branch out...but he's probably not quite comfortable with the basics yet, so might not be thinking along the same lines.
I'm keen to be adventurous now, and was worried about him being bored - although he's now told me that he's not. Maybe I need to keep with the basics for a while longer before trying to introduce anything more.
Original post by Anonymous
He is sweet. He's lovely...but he respects me so much that I start to wonder if he can ever see me in that sexual way I need him to see me when are intimate like that.
Be patient! You say he was a virgin before you right? And you said that before you had sex he said he felt that sex was an important part of a relationship- I think this may have reflected the message that society/ other people's experience gave him, but when he had sex I think (being his first time) he may have had his expectations quite high. First time sex for guys as well as girls is not the best sex you will ever have, so it may take time for him to really start to enjoy it.
What about using a flavoured lube for oral? (on both of your- you can convince him that you love performing it on him and he may find it better too when he returns the favour!)
Original post by Anonymous
Be patient! You say he was a virgin before you right? And you said that before you had sex he said he felt that sex was an important part of a relationship- I think this may have reflected the message that society/ other people's experience gave him, but when he had sex I think (being his first time) he may have had his expectations quite high. First time sex for guys as well as girls is not the best sex you will ever have, so it may take time for him to really start to enjoy it.
What about using a flavoured lube for oral? (on both of your- you can convince him that you love performing it on him and he may find it better too when he returns the favour!)
What about using a flavoured lube for oral? (on both of your- you can convince him that you love performing it on him and he may find it better too when he returns the favour!)
Yeah. I was worried that it came as a disappointment actually. But I don't think it could ever live up to expectations while its portrayed in that light via the media, as you say! I did kind of feel bad about that, because I think he worked it up in his head a bit and I didn't want it to be less than his expectations.
He's recently said that he is enjoying it..so I suppose I just have to believe him and again...give it time/. The lube could be a fun plan!
I honestly don't see what the problem is. Would you rather be with someone who wants sex 24/7 and can't keep his dick in his pants?
Original post by HazelEyes24
I honestly don't see what the problem is. Would you rather be with someone who wants sex 24/7 and can't keep his dick in his pants?
No, but I'm fairly certain no girlfriend would want the other extreme either.
And it's difficult to convey 'the problem' via a post on TSR.
This is not such an uncommon problem.
Girls see males as a species as sex machines, always expected to be ready for action/initiation. They are certainly ready to excuse themselves when they're not in the mood, but despite the intellectualizing, they're less willing to excuse failure to respond in males. They might want to make allowance occasionally for bf but not on a systematic basis.
Cyndi Lauper's lyrics can be mildly modified to capture the reality.
Girls see males as a species as sex machines, always expected to be ready for action/initiation. They are certainly ready to excuse themselves when they're not in the mood, but despite the intellectualizing, they're less willing to excuse failure to respond in males. They might want to make allowance occasionally for bf but not on a systematic basis.
Cyndi Lauper's lyrics can be mildly modified to capture the reality.
Original post by masterfulprof
His promotion is the very first step in this development. The thing is, the responsibility may help him feel at ease with authority, or it may also be a psychological drain on him.
His promotion is the very first step in this development. The thing is, the responsibility may help him feel at ease with authority, or it may also be a psychological drain on him.
I think he's taking to the authority quite well... he told me a story about this situation he had to take charge of the other day. I have to say, it got me a bit
hot and bothered! He seemed enthused by the situation, rather than drained. He's increasingly going to come across situations like this, so we'll see how it pans out...
On the other hand, I read something that said women who are dominant in
the outside world like to be dominated in the bedroom because it's a freeing change from the usual roles they play. For him, maybe that'll also become more pronounced as the role becomes more demanding? Who knows!
I also think you're right about how it will become more important to me over time. I hadn't really thought about that, but thinking about increasing demands, that's probably true. And if it's also true that in general, 20 something males don't have exactly what I'm looking for then...I don't see what else I can do, but have patience and see how we develop together, because that'll be the sort of age range of the males I'll be having relationships with.
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