does this make me a bad girlfriend?
i’ve got quite the dilemma and was hoping for your advice. i’ve been with my boyfriend, let’s call him Brian, for 4 and a half years. Brian and I went to different unis (I was in the midlands while he was all the way up in Scotland), so we managed to survive long distance 🙂 I love him to bits and i don’t know what i’d do without him. he is so kind and caring towards me, and we’re planning on moving in together in December!
However, while I was at uni, I met a guy. Let’s call him Steve. Steve was in the year above me, and throughout all of uni, he acted almost like an older brother towards me. We got along really well as friends, and he was very protective of me, often getting up in the middle of the night to walk me home after I’ve been clubbing etc (which was at least once a week). He’s always been a massive support and honestly one of my best friends. My other friends would often joke that Steve fancied me, but I never thought anything of it, as he has had a girlfriend since the start of uni, and they are still together to this day (although I have never met her…).
After graduating last summer, I have started my dream job in Manchester, in marketing. this is honestly something I’ve been working towards for ages, and I’m so proud of myself. Steve also works in Manchester, and also in marketing (but for a different company). I must add that Brian also works but has stayed in his home town for now.
Ever since starting my job, Steve and I have taken the opportunity to catch up. Our offices aren’t far from each other, and we’ll often meet during our lunch breaks or go for a drink after work. As we’ve been friends since uni, I saw this as a completely natural, nice thing to do. We’ll talk about our jobs, about mutual friends etc. My boyfriend knows about these meet ups, and as he has met Steve, he doesn’t have an issue with it.
However, I have recently noticed that there is definitely a flirtatious vibe going on. I always thought he saw me as this little sister, but maybe not. Steve will find any excuse to touch my hand, or put his hand on the small of my back when I walk in front of him. He’ll call me cute, jokingly refer to me as ‘darling’, and compliment how I look. He’ll also always insist on buying me drinks, and when I say that I need to watch how much I drink (as I still live with my parents so need to commute home), he says I can always stay round his and he can sleep on the sofa (his girlfriend apparently only lives in their flat during the weekend😳). If I go to the toilet while we’re out together, I’ll come back to find that he’s bought me another pint
The thing is, I feel awful, because I really enjoy these meet-ups. I sound like the worst person ever, because if my boyfriend was acting like this with some girl, I’d be so angry. Yet, this whole thing with Steve is so flattering, it feels like a guilty pleasure. I can chat to Steve for hours, and I’m able to talk about things with him that Brian has no interest in, such as marketing, films, and even deeper things like philosophy. Before I met Brian, I really enjoyed dating and I’ve always been a very flirtatious person. This feels like something exciting after being in the same relationship for 4 and a half years.
I justify it by telling myself that both Steve and I are in separate relationships (although he literally never mentions his girlfriend and I’ve never met her), and nothing has ever happened - it’s not like I get with him. But I just know that Brian would be heartbroken if he knew how much I enjoy and look forward to these meet-ups with Steve. I love Brian with all my heart but the flirtatious part of me doesn’t want to stop seeing Steve after work … help!
However, while I was at uni, I met a guy. Let’s call him Steve. Steve was in the year above me, and throughout all of uni, he acted almost like an older brother towards me. We got along really well as friends, and he was very protective of me, often getting up in the middle of the night to walk me home after I’ve been clubbing etc (which was at least once a week). He’s always been a massive support and honestly one of my best friends. My other friends would often joke that Steve fancied me, but I never thought anything of it, as he has had a girlfriend since the start of uni, and they are still together to this day (although I have never met her…).
After graduating last summer, I have started my dream job in Manchester, in marketing. this is honestly something I’ve been working towards for ages, and I’m so proud of myself. Steve also works in Manchester, and also in marketing (but for a different company). I must add that Brian also works but has stayed in his home town for now.
Ever since starting my job, Steve and I have taken the opportunity to catch up. Our offices aren’t far from each other, and we’ll often meet during our lunch breaks or go for a drink after work. As we’ve been friends since uni, I saw this as a completely natural, nice thing to do. We’ll talk about our jobs, about mutual friends etc. My boyfriend knows about these meet ups, and as he has met Steve, he doesn’t have an issue with it.
However, I have recently noticed that there is definitely a flirtatious vibe going on. I always thought he saw me as this little sister, but maybe not. Steve will find any excuse to touch my hand, or put his hand on the small of my back when I walk in front of him. He’ll call me cute, jokingly refer to me as ‘darling’, and compliment how I look. He’ll also always insist on buying me drinks, and when I say that I need to watch how much I drink (as I still live with my parents so need to commute home), he says I can always stay round his and he can sleep on the sofa (his girlfriend apparently only lives in their flat during the weekend😳). If I go to the toilet while we’re out together, I’ll come back to find that he’s bought me another pint
The thing is, I feel awful, because I really enjoy these meet-ups. I sound like the worst person ever, because if my boyfriend was acting like this with some girl, I’d be so angry. Yet, this whole thing with Steve is so flattering, it feels like a guilty pleasure. I can chat to Steve for hours, and I’m able to talk about things with him that Brian has no interest in, such as marketing, films, and even deeper things like philosophy. Before I met Brian, I really enjoyed dating and I’ve always been a very flirtatious person. This feels like something exciting after being in the same relationship for 4 and a half years.
I justify it by telling myself that both Steve and I are in separate relationships (although he literally never mentions his girlfriend and I’ve never met her), and nothing has ever happened - it’s not like I get with him. But I just know that Brian would be heartbroken if he knew how much I enjoy and look forward to these meet-ups with Steve. I love Brian with all my heart but the flirtatious part of me doesn’t want to stop seeing Steve after work … help!
I expect quite a lot of the younger members on here will think you are doing something wrong, and will possibly accuse you of 'emotional cheating'. Those of us who are a bit older and are in more established relationships and marriages may take a slightly different view. The reason for that is that when you are younger there is an awful lot of insecurity around relationships and what they should be. There's also a lack of understanding as to how they operate long term. Which of course makes a lot of sense. Relationships are things you have to work at for life, and even now my wife and I are learning after being together for nearly twenty years. You're obviously not going to crack them as a teenager or in your 20s.
However, in longer term relationships the reality is that you are going to come across and have friendships with the opposite sex. You are also going to come across members of the opposite sex that you find attractive. Some of them are likely to be your friends. As much as a lot of younger members may be horrified at the idea of being friends with someone of the opposite sex that you find attractive, I'm afraid that is just life. You also cannot speak to your other half about everything, and plenty of people have very good friends of the opposite sex that they talk to about things that they don't talk to their other halves about. Again, that's normal. I had a very good female friend about ten years ago (we still keep in touch but have drifted apart now). We were absolutely very attracted to each other, but were with other people (the same people we are both now married to and have kids with). So we didn't act on that attraction, but were still very good friends. My wife knows about that friend, and knows we would have gone out if we were both single. Equally, my wife has had male friends in her life that she would have gone out with if she wasn't with me. That's just how life works. There's nothing wrong with any of that because when you're in a relationship you should trust your other half to be around other people that they are attracted to (and who are attracted to them) whilst exercising self control.
Equally, I don't think there's anything wrong per se with enjoying the fact that this guy is attracted to you. It boosts your self esteem. That's a good thing. Again, I'm sure my wife has enjoyed similar attention from guys she's known (in fact, I know she has), and I don't have an issue with that. However, the one thing about what you've said that gives me reason to pause is that you would not be happy if the roles were reversed and your boyfriend was in a similar position with a female friend of his. That is just an ever so slight warning sign for me. With all of these situations there is obviously a line that you don't want to cross, but it is for you to judge where that is in any given situation. Then again, you say that you wouldn't be happy if your boyfriend was doing this towards another woman. That's not the same as being on the receiving end of flirty behaviour. So on the whole, honestly, I don't really see a problem here. Whether this friend is doing something that would annoy his girlfriend is a matter for him. You need to be confident that you're not crossing any lines in your relationship, but as I say, for me I don't think you are. Others may disagree, but my view is that you don't have anything to feel guilty about here.
However, in longer term relationships the reality is that you are going to come across and have friendships with the opposite sex. You are also going to come across members of the opposite sex that you find attractive. Some of them are likely to be your friends. As much as a lot of younger members may be horrified at the idea of being friends with someone of the opposite sex that you find attractive, I'm afraid that is just life. You also cannot speak to your other half about everything, and plenty of people have very good friends of the opposite sex that they talk to about things that they don't talk to their other halves about. Again, that's normal. I had a very good female friend about ten years ago (we still keep in touch but have drifted apart now). We were absolutely very attracted to each other, but were with other people (the same people we are both now married to and have kids with). So we didn't act on that attraction, but were still very good friends. My wife knows about that friend, and knows we would have gone out if we were both single. Equally, my wife has had male friends in her life that she would have gone out with if she wasn't with me. That's just how life works. There's nothing wrong with any of that because when you're in a relationship you should trust your other half to be around other people that they are attracted to (and who are attracted to them) whilst exercising self control.
Equally, I don't think there's anything wrong per se with enjoying the fact that this guy is attracted to you. It boosts your self esteem. That's a good thing. Again, I'm sure my wife has enjoyed similar attention from guys she's known (in fact, I know she has), and I don't have an issue with that. However, the one thing about what you've said that gives me reason to pause is that you would not be happy if the roles were reversed and your boyfriend was in a similar position with a female friend of his. That is just an ever so slight warning sign for me. With all of these situations there is obviously a line that you don't want to cross, but it is for you to judge where that is in any given situation. Then again, you say that you wouldn't be happy if your boyfriend was doing this towards another woman. That's not the same as being on the receiving end of flirty behaviour. So on the whole, honestly, I don't really see a problem here. Whether this friend is doing something that would annoy his girlfriend is a matter for him. You need to be confident that you're not crossing any lines in your relationship, but as I say, for me I don't think you are. Others may disagree, but my view is that you don't have anything to feel guilty about here.
Original post by Anonymous
i’ve got quite the dilemma and was hoping for your advice. i’ve been with my boyfriend, let’s call him Brian, for 4 and a half years. Brian and I went to different unis (I was in the midlands while he was all the way up in Scotland), so we managed to survive long distance 🙂 I love him to bits and i don’t know what i’d do without him. he is so kind and caring towards me, and we’re planning on moving in together in December!
However, while I was at uni, I met a guy. Let’s call him Steve. Steve was in the year above me, and throughout all of uni, he acted almost like an older brother towards me. We got along really well as friends, and he was very protective of me, often getting up in the middle of the night to walk me home after I’ve been clubbing etc (which was at least once a week). He’s always been a massive support and honestly one of my best friends. My other friends would often joke that Steve fancied me, but I never thought anything of it, as he has had a girlfriend since the start of uni, and they are still together to this day (although I have never met her…).
After graduating last summer, I have started my dream job in Manchester, in marketing. this is honestly something I’ve been working towards for ages, and I’m so proud of myself. Steve also works in Manchester, and also in marketing (but for a different company). I must add that Brian also works but has stayed in his home town for now.
Ever since starting my job, Steve and I have taken the opportunity to catch up. Our offices aren’t far from each other, and we’ll often meet during our lunch breaks or go for a drink after work. As we’ve been friends since uni, I saw this as a completely natural, nice thing to do. We’ll talk about our jobs, about mutual friends etc. My boyfriend knows about these meet ups, and as he has met Steve, he doesn’t have an issue with it.
However, I have recently noticed that there is definitely a flirtatious vibe going on. I always thought he saw me as this little sister, but maybe not. Steve will find any excuse to touch my hand, or put his hand on the small of my back when I walk in front of him. He’ll call me cute, jokingly refer to me as ‘darling’, and compliment how I look. He’ll also always insist on buying me drinks, and when I say that I need to watch how much I drink (as I still live with my parents so need to commute home), he says I can always stay round his and he can sleep on the sofa (his girlfriend apparently only lives in their flat during the weekend😳). If I go to the toilet while we’re out together, I’ll come back to find that he’s bought me another pint
The thing is, I feel awful, because I really enjoy these meet-ups. I sound like the worst person ever, because if my boyfriend was acting like this with some girl, I’d be so angry. Yet, this whole thing with Steve is so flattering, it feels like a guilty pleasure. I can chat to Steve for hours, and I’m able to talk about things with him that Brian has no interest in, such as marketing, films, and even deeper things like philosophy. Before I met Brian, I really enjoyed dating and I’ve always been a very flirtatious person. This feels like something exciting after being in the same relationship for 4 and a half years.
I justify it by telling myself that both Steve and I are in separate relationships (although he literally never mentions his girlfriend and I’ve never met her), and nothing has ever happened - it’s not like I get with him. But I just know that Brian would be heartbroken if he knew how much I enjoy and look forward to these meet-ups with Steve. I love Brian with all my heart but the flirtatious part of me doesn’t want to stop seeing Steve after work … help!
However, while I was at uni, I met a guy. Let’s call him Steve. Steve was in the year above me, and throughout all of uni, he acted almost like an older brother towards me. We got along really well as friends, and he was very protective of me, often getting up in the middle of the night to walk me home after I’ve been clubbing etc (which was at least once a week). He’s always been a massive support and honestly one of my best friends. My other friends would often joke that Steve fancied me, but I never thought anything of it, as he has had a girlfriend since the start of uni, and they are still together to this day (although I have never met her…).
After graduating last summer, I have started my dream job in Manchester, in marketing. this is honestly something I’ve been working towards for ages, and I’m so proud of myself. Steve also works in Manchester, and also in marketing (but for a different company). I must add that Brian also works but has stayed in his home town for now.
Ever since starting my job, Steve and I have taken the opportunity to catch up. Our offices aren’t far from each other, and we’ll often meet during our lunch breaks or go for a drink after work. As we’ve been friends since uni, I saw this as a completely natural, nice thing to do. We’ll talk about our jobs, about mutual friends etc. My boyfriend knows about these meet ups, and as he has met Steve, he doesn’t have an issue with it.
However, I have recently noticed that there is definitely a flirtatious vibe going on. I always thought he saw me as this little sister, but maybe not. Steve will find any excuse to touch my hand, or put his hand on the small of my back when I walk in front of him. He’ll call me cute, jokingly refer to me as ‘darling’, and compliment how I look. He’ll also always insist on buying me drinks, and when I say that I need to watch how much I drink (as I still live with my parents so need to commute home), he says I can always stay round his and he can sleep on the sofa (his girlfriend apparently only lives in their flat during the weekend😳). If I go to the toilet while we’re out together, I’ll come back to find that he’s bought me another pint
The thing is, I feel awful, because I really enjoy these meet-ups. I sound like the worst person ever, because if my boyfriend was acting like this with some girl, I’d be so angry. Yet, this whole thing with Steve is so flattering, it feels like a guilty pleasure. I can chat to Steve for hours, and I’m able to talk about things with him that Brian has no interest in, such as marketing, films, and even deeper things like philosophy. Before I met Brian, I really enjoyed dating and I’ve always been a very flirtatious person. This feels like something exciting after being in the same relationship for 4 and a half years.
I justify it by telling myself that both Steve and I are in separate relationships (although he literally never mentions his girlfriend and I’ve never met her), and nothing has ever happened - it’s not like I get with him. But I just know that Brian would be heartbroken if he knew how much I enjoy and look forward to these meet-ups with Steve. I love Brian with all my heart but the flirtatious part of me doesn’t want to stop seeing Steve after work … help!
Steve wants to sleep with you it is so obvious
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