I don't know if i'm depressed or not

Basically, over 2 years ago i'm pretty sure i had severe depression, despite not seeing anyone about it or being diagnosed with it. I was in a continuous low mood, always felt hopeless and helpless, i cried from time to time (i'm a dude), i didn't enjoy anything, had no self esteem, no motivation, people often told me i don't look well, wasn't doing well in class and pretty much had no interests. And i remained like that for almost 18 months, not talking to anyone about it, not doing anything about it. Roughly half into summer it was going away, by the time i was going to university i pretty much wasn't depressed anymore, at all.

And then at uni it kicked in again. I hated the first term and i often thought about killing myself and did some research into how i could get hold of some carbon monoxide and was trying to think of a way to hang myself. I saw a uni counselor, but it almost made me feel worse, it was so useless. Anyway after my january exams, i almost instantly felt better. It was like one day i woke up and thought "i could either kill myself having lived a miserable, pathetic life or i could fight to live a life worth living". I instantly felt better, i no longer wanted to kill myself, i no longer was always unhappy, i thought that was the end of it, but now i'm not sure.

After my exams i had the most unimaginable sleeping problems all the way through Easter. I couldn't sleep at night. I wouldn't be able to sleep at all at night, feeling totally restless and then i'd feel shattered and exhausted in the late morning and still then not getting enough sleep. I tried almost everything to fix it, but it didn't work. Over easter it improved, but didn't go away and when i returned to uni it got bad again. I had and still have no concentration. At all. I couldn't focus in a lecture for more than a minute. I had almost no motivation to do anything, especially study. I wasn't doing well in uni. Although i wasn't depressed all the time, i've noticed that i still have never been particularly happy and when i am it's only for a few seconds. My sleep has improved, but i still have no concentration, no motivation (it's as if i no longer care if i fail, even though i know i can't fail, my life depends on it). I can't seem to get much joy out of life. I occasionly cry out of no real cause, i can't be asked to talk to people or participate in conversation. Sometimes i and other people notice that i talk and move more sluggishly and i don't really like anyone including my friends. I don't know why i just don't like them, it's like theres no reason for me to like them, even though they're my friends. I don't dislike them, i just won't miss them and i don't see them in a particularly good light.

Sometimes i think that i'm just lazy and incompetent and stupid and if i was the opposite i'd be doing better at uni and i'd be happier. It's actually a belief i've always held since i was first depressed. That i'm just being a drama queen and that theres nothing wrong with me, especially since after my january exams. Even when i went to see a councelor, i felt that she thought there was nothing really wrong with me and that i was there for no reason. Anyway, i just want to know if i am actually depressed and that's the reason i'm failing at uni, coz it affects my work, or maybe there's nothing wrong with me and that i'm failing coz i just have bad work ethic? I dunno, i'm not sure if i should see a doctor, i'm not sure he's going to want to hear all this, this is something more for a therapist, but i cant afford that. They'll probably think i'm just a lazy guy who's trying to use depression as a scapegoat for failing, heck even i'm not entirely convinced i'm depressed, as if anyone else is. I think it's because i don't feel all these things at the same time and sometimes i dont think i'm even concious of it. I'm just failing and i don't why? What does it sound like to you?

tldr: bold bits.

Also, i don't know if this is relevant, but i've been having problems at home for years and rather recently it was really bad.

even though i know i can't fail, my life depends on it)..

Well actually that's not true. It's my personal opinion that people tie up their self worth too much in their credentials and then they forget actual happiness. It's like what the dalai lama said here:
The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered
“Man…. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

Sorry to quote someone pretentiously but I think it's really true, life has taught me personally that people have to search for happiness and that its not actually about being the paragon man. Sometimes it's healthy to have failure and mistakes behind you, as it can motivate you to do better and it can enrich your life experience. It might not feel like it now but sometimes rough patches are for the best, you just have to let life do its thing.

I feel like your confident about searching for happiness, a strong part of you feels like happiness is out there but youre not accessing it right now... well that's a good start anyway.

Can i ask you a question is your course ultimately what you wanted to do with your life? Is there anything else that you wanted to do in another life but feel like you cant do in this life due to certain reasons?

Also to answer your original qusetion whether someone is 'depressed' or not is a bit of a shady question that in turn gives nuanced answers... Doctors try and give you these questionnaires to fill out to measure your derpession but in my mind that's just bull****. It's hard to draw a line saying yeah youre depressed no you arent.

For anyone whose had depression at somepoint/ is suseptible to it I think it's like they ahve a dark force and light force inside them and it's just a question of which one they allow to dominate at a certain point... and sometimes the person can choose which voice is the dominant one but sometimes when they're in a rough patch they just can't. And that's fine imo. If youre feeling low and you're feeling down then don't try and fight it so much, if you think youre low in mood then allow yourself to be that you know, don't wrestle with yourself saying 'i'm lazy and incompetent' or that you don't deserve medical attention, you know. Allow yourself to just be. I feel like you feel you are a burden which isn't true, you are a sentient being with a voice, and someone who deserves to be listened to and helped, just like all the rest of us. So don't feel like you don't deserve the status of being depressed because that is just a huge trap a lot of people that are depressed fall into. It leads them into a vicious cycle. They think, I feel low, therefore I am worthless, and a burden, therefore I am not worthy of help... at which point obviously they are not allowing themselves to be helped.

I think you should deffo visit a doctor soon about this at your uni's health service. Doctors are used to dealing with depression and mental health issues - at least 1 in 4 people in our country experience them. If you feel they are not helping then book an appointment with a different doc and don't give up. Also your doctor can refer you to a counsellor. Once again give them a chance, if they aren't great, switch. Don't give up easily when seeking help. It is not easy but it is always worth it x

How long has your concentration problem been the case? If you've found it difficult to concentrate throughout your life it's likely you have some learning disability, like ADHD. This leads to a lot of personal and academic problems, and your symptoms seem to fit it quite closely.

I never realised I had ADHD until I read through the symptoms list. I was always told I was lazy, I always fidgeted, I could never concentrate and this impacted me quite massively.

Here is a quiz on ADHD: http://psychcentral.com/addquiz.htm.

Be honest with yourself. As a sufferer, I have become quite good at suppressing problems. Instead of losing focus and not being able to do work, I spend three or four times the amount of time it takes someone else to do it but I get it done. Instead of zoning out in conversations, I force myself to interact occasionally and repeat what the other person is saying to remind myself what the conversation is about. Ignore all these self-corrections - take the quiz like you are 14 and haven't gone through all these problems and tried to fix them, or fix yourself.

ADHD treatment is improving on the NHS. Referrals take a couple of months, and it depends on the region, but all Clinical Commissioning Groups except Oldham have some form of adult ADHD care. And you should submit a mitigating circumstances form to your university saying you are getting diagnosed for ADHD if you think this is what has been affecting you.

Realising I had something "wrong" with me that wasn't my fault was an immense weight lifted. There's no shame in having a genetically hereditary condition - neither is there shame in seeking treatment for it.

I hope you feel better.