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Feeling depressed over being single/perpetual low self-esteem

I think I may be suffering from depression. I try and project an image of self-confidence to my friends but deep down I have a hollow feeling inside me at the end of the day and hate myself for it. I shouldn’t feel this way as I am enormously privileged in that I have got into my first choice university; have a fantastic family and equally fantastic friends. My unhappiness ultimately stems from a fundamentally low self-esteem (had some awkward teenage years that have stuck with me) and is always triggered on bad days by my disappointing love life. I am 20 years old, and have managed to attract boys but I am never able to keep them interested, making my “flings” pathetic and short-lived. It’s humiliating and hurtful, as if when they get to know me, they suddenly don’t want anything more to do with me, or are embarrassed of me, which confuses me as I have so many guy friends so my personality can’t be THAT dreadful.. I know I am not a social outcast or recluse but am just really bitter about having been dealt unlucky cards in love/not having found anyone who wants me for who I am!

I feel like a spoilt brat and feminists reading this will scowl at me for letting my happiness be determined by a man but it is an area in my life which I’ve never had success in, whereas in almost every other part of my life I am happy. I know I should never have to prove myself to anyone through my relationship status but being perpetually single when all my friends are in happy relationships makes me feel like a failure. I have never completely let my guard down with a guy because I am terrified of rejection (it’s happened before) and now I have fallen in love with my guy friend and just know that I will never have the guts to tell him, because if he turns me down I just won’t be strong enough to take it. Stupid phrases like YOLO make me feel pressured to just TELL him, but if I don’t even have confidence in myself, how can I have the confidence to be in a relationship, even though I am so desperate to experience that part of life? I have doubts about my appearance and also I am embarrassed about my lack of sexual experience; I’m not a virgin but honestly have no idea what I’m doing still..

Anyway, I’m feeling particularly depressed tonight because I’m in a rut of being in love with my best friend and expecting the worst.. yet again.. a feeling I know all too well. Will my life always be like this, and will I always be so unassertive?! Perhaps guys can sense this lack of confidence when they get to know me and are then put off… but I’m 20 so they wouldn’t expect that from a girl that seems so confident on first impressions..

I don’t know what I want you to say to me, but I just feel better saying this to someone as I never confide in anyone. To cut a long short, I feel depressed and empty inside, and was wondering if anyone had any advice or similar stories to share.. I know I am young and being in a relationship seems important and I should instead focus on other things, but I have been lucky enough to do many things I have wanted to do already (travelling etc) and now I just want someone to love me. Ahhh I sound pathetic, I apologise..

Reply 1

lilymoran

Just take as many opportunities of being on your own with your chap and chatting in a fairly quiet intimate way and then ask your guy friend out. (You never know if you manage to be alone with him a bit more , he may ask you first. He's not going to ask you out in front of a big audience.) Big tip for getting asked out. Don't go round in a pack; go about a bit on your own. You've got to make it easier for them!

Say you just want to see a film or something and will he go with you. Or keep looking at him and smiling. He'll soon get the message. You don't have to be the greatest wit on the planet etc. You just have to seem approachable and friendly and interested in him, if you want a relationship to start.

It should be possible if you are already friends with him. Isn't that how lots of relationships start?

He's maybe wondering how to get off with you too. Lots of men hang around girls in the hope that they'll suddenly get inspiration and something will develop you know.

If he doesn't take you up on your offer you've lost nothing. It'd have to be something really awful you're suggesting if he refuses even though he's interested but if he does refuse he's letting you know kindly that he's not that into to you. ( You might want to have an alternative or another time up your sleeve though in case your first idea really is very bad.)

In which case I reckon the best thing is to change your circle a bit and go where there are other guys. Best cures for unrequited love are getting yourself as far away from the person as you can and meeting other people. Avoid him as much as you can and plan to go out somewhere, anywhere.. preferably on holiday etc.

The best cure of all is meeting another man. You do risk your first guy suddenly starting to take an interest then of course. There's nothing like seeing someone with another man for making him feel he's missing something. Sod's law.