How to deal with jealousy?

My boyfriend is overly nice to members of the opposite sex. If a girl gets hurt, he'll be the first one to help. If a girl gets cat-called, he'll be the one to stand up for her. If a girl hasn't got money for a cab, he'll offer to pay for her to get back. This is what he told me he did for a girl he just met on a lads holiday. Apparently he said he'd pay for her cab if she gave one of his friends a kiss.

These are lovely qualities, and it shows he's caring, but I can't help but wonder if the line between being nice and flirting is getting crossed. As a girl, if a guy did all that for me, I'd get the impression that he was flirting with me.

I'm insecure, I'd get hurt if I knew he cheated. How can I stop feeling jealous over things like this?

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

Maybe tell him that you love these qualities about him, but to girls they can be misconstrued as flirty and you just wanted to let him know so he can be careful about how they then act afterwards. Ultimately though, and I'm a very insecure person too so I know how this feels, it is just something you have to ignore. When it comes down to it, if he hasn't given you a reason to think he's cheating then you needn't worry (though it's hard not too, I know, I do the same!)

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Anonymous

Maybe tell him that you love these qualities about him, but to girls they can be misconstrued as flirty and you just wanted to let him know so he can be careful about how they then act afterwards. Ultimately though, and I'm a very insecure person too so I know how this feels, it is just something you have to ignore. When it comes down to it, if he hasn't given you a reason to think he's cheating then you needn't worry (though it's hard not too, I know, I do the same!)

Thanks for your reply, you're very understanding and I genuinely appreciate that. :smile:

It seems to come and go in waves depending on my mood. What do you do to take your mind off of it?

Reply 3

Kendrik Lamar

14

Original post by Anonymous

As a girl, if a guy did all that for me, I'd get the impression that he was flirting with me

Can't a guy just be a gentleman without being romantically interested in a girl? Chivalry ain't completely dead, you know

Reply 4

cucumberhater

7

Original post by Anonymous

My boyfriend is overly nice to members of the opposite sex. If a girl gets hurt, he'll be the first one to help. If a girl gets cat-called, he'll be the one to stand up for her. If a girl hasn't got money for a cab, he'll offer to pay for her to get back. This is what he told me he did for a girl he just met on a lads holiday. Apparently he said he'd pay for her cab if she gave one of his friends a kiss.

These are lovely qualities, and it shows he's caring, but I can't help but wonder if the line between being nice and flirting is getting crossed. As a girl, if a guy did all that for me, I'd get the impression that he was flirting with me.

I'm insecure, I'd get hurt if I knew he cheated. How can I stop feeling jealous over things like this?

Girl, you need to be open w him and tell him how you feel. If anything, I think your bf sounds amazing!! Another thing, trust him. Or let him know that. I guess it all comes down to communication, if you don't talk to him, you won't know anything that's going on. So sit him down (i literally thought of a cute puppy, i'm sorry! lmao) and just ask him.

But make sure that he understand how it makes you feel. If I were you, I'd say something like "I love how caring you are, but have you ever gotten to the point where people have taken advantage of you?? Or have you ever gotten 'caught up in the moment'? Just please, be honest with me Justin. I hate feeling anxious. I'm scared that another girl (or guy) will come between us.".

p.s I think Justin is the perfect name for a scenario like this. Lol. :smile:

And hopefully things go swimmingly well for you!

Reply 5

AlexJWise

15

I can relate to this strongly as I'm in the exact same situation with my girlfriend. All of my friends are female and I do get particularly protective over them. She loves that I am caring of them and wish for them to be safe, but she does think I may sometimes go too far and wonders if I am being flirtatious.

We are very open about these things, I reassure her that whilst I am very caring of my friends - that just because it's how I've always been and I have in the past had to look out for my friends. If you reassure him that you do enjoy them qualities of his but maybe ask if he can explain why he feels the need to act how he does, or make sure that it isn't anything beyond friendliness, he should be open to it!

I know how annoying it is to be accused of something when it's most definitely not the case, so as someone who is one of these guys with female friends who are just friends, try not to be too judgemental or presumptuous if you confront him.

Reply 6

Elastichedgehog

20

He sounds like a very nice guy, you're lucky, he's just chivalrous. There's a reason he's with you and not anyone else ^.^ Talk to him about it though, you'll get no where if he doesn't know how you feel.

Reply 7

BRONZEMEDAL1

2

Original post by Anonymous

My boyfriend is overly nice to members of the opposite sex. If a girl gets hurt, he'll be the first one to help. If a girl gets cat-called, he'll be the one to stand up for her. If a girl hasn't got money for a cab, he'll offer to pay for her to get back. This is what he told me he did for a girl he just met on a lads holiday. Apparently he said he'd pay for her cab if she gave one of his friends a kiss.

These are lovely qualities, and it shows he's caring, but I can't help but wonder if the line between being nice and flirting is getting crossed. As a girl, if a guy did all that for me, I'd get the impression that he was flirting with me.

I'm insecure, I'd get hurt if I knew he cheated. How can I stop feeling jealous over things like this?

Those feelings are natural.
There is no solution. You just have to be wary because there are many piscines in the ocean.

Reply 8

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

Thanks for your reply, you're very understanding and I genuinely appreciate that. :smile:

It seems to come and go in waves depending on my mood. What do you do to take your mind off of it?

I tend to struggle taking my mind off it but I have many ways to try to.
I either tell him how I feel and we talk about or I'll distract myself (attempt to). I watch TV, read a book, play a game, do some exercise, basically anything you enjoy.
I also try to remind myself that he's with me for a reason and he wouldn't ever cheat on me. If he did (though I know he wouldn't) then he's not worth my effort.
I've also tried to improve my self confidence and remind myself that I can't control his decisions and emotions, so reminding myself that if he's going to cheat then he's going to do it regardless of how I act and he didn't care for me if he allowed himself to get close enough to a girl for that to happen. It's more about my insecurity and want to control everything so I try to deal with that.

I don't mind him having female friends as long as he's open about what he's doing and where he's going if he's hanging out with them, it's also much easier if I know them and/or I know he's told them about me or they're aware of me. There's one girl that just makes me feel the worst about myself, so we just don't talk about her and he hasn't seen her for a while so I try to forget about her :tongue: