Relationships \life/mental health

My heart and my head are filled with so much anger and betrayal and deep sadness. I'm writing this lay in bed at 1am on a college night feeling quesy from over compensating my sadness with chocolate which is slowly making my food baby grow and me to become fat, which is depressing me even more because I worked so hard to get skinny. I'm loathing for human touch and someone I can have an intelligent conversation with. I feel so out of depth with the people I've been surrounding myself with for the past year. I worry that it doesn't make sense that so many people could be so single minded which makes me think that I am my real problem. My lack of trust in people has hit an all time low and it knocks me sick how much I push people away. I want someone to love me again and to want just me and to just think that I'm special because right now I just go unnoticed. I'm never the one that anyone's looking for in a room or notices isn't there on a night out. On the other hand I can't imagine myself in another relationship , I don't know how I'd do it. I'm so terrified of losing someone I genuinely care about again. It still makes me so angry , I'm tired of saying goodbye and my life has barely began. I want to spend my life travelling as it acc is something that excites me and is what I think would get rid of my claustrophobic thoughts in society but I don't have the money or the time or the company to go with. The life that's set out for me already I'm really not looking forward to and it's not a world I particularly would choose to live in. It knocks me sick what humanity has come to and there's no point me even attempting to make a difference because it's gone past the point of return, any idiot should see that.

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