Be as brutal as you like with my Med/bio med sci PS Watch

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bleeper
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#21
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thanks for the constructive criticism
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Elles
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#22
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you're welcome hope it helps.. i got loads of opinions on mine, though ultimately, it is your personal statement, so go with what you feel comfortable with & see if it works!
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GH
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Listen to the rest of the people giving you ideas, and take them onboard. However they may have missed something here:

(Original post by bleeper)
At school I was chosen to hold the very prestigious duty of senior prefect an important role as it requires me to on demand help co-ordinate the lunch queues...
Is this a joke? Go more into details about organization details, and dealing with parents. And not with this "lunch queues" business.

Also you missed out entirely about your academic side of things, eg "I chose my subjects because..." etc etc That should be worth over 1/4 of the PS alone.
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bleeper
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i did do that but my teacher said it was waffle
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Dr. Blazed
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(Original post by bleeper)
i did do that but my teacher said it was waffle
Ignore your teachers. They haven't been accepted at university for years. Listen to these chaps, they (seem to) know what they're talking about.
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GH
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(Original post by bleeper)
i did do that but my teacher said it was waffle
Frankly speaking your teachers are wrong. Most of them are, unless they are in contact with the admissions tutors on a regular basis.

The academic side of things should take up at least 1/4, any other good personalities (ie teamwork, social skills, independant learning/thinking etc) must be substantiated with examples, (eg I was in the County rugby team for 4 years...[shows teamwork and dedication] etc) should take up another 1/4.

The rest should be spaced between your own personal work experiences, thoughts and the reason behind you taking medicine.
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Nik P
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(Original post by bleeper)
Personal Statement


The study of medicine and biomedical sciences is an exciting, dynamic and evolving subject for which I feel excited at the prospect of studying. After attending the taster course An Introduction to Medicine and Biomedical Sciences at UCL I decided that working in a career relating to medicine and biomedical sciences was right for me.
At the time of writing this personal statement I will hopefully be doing two bits of work experience. I hope that one will involve me shadowing a GP and the other will involve me helping out at a hospital. I hope to observe the diagnosis and therapy of people suffering diseases ranging from pneumonia to pneumonoultramicro-scopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
I was committed to studying either one of the above mentioned courses. My mother is a kidney transplant patient and this inspired me to try to assist in the helping of people in a similar or worst state as my mother and help ease them back into conventional life as possible
I believe a near insatiable appetite to learn about new medical discoveries and treatments to things like malaria are ideal characteristics for a medical school applicant or some one who wants to study biomedical sciences.
As an attempt to satiate my interest in medical issues and learn about the arguments for and against certain ethical issues in medicine I read regularly The Times, The Guardian as well as tabloids like the Mirror and the Metro. I also subscribe to Biological review and at times read New Scientist. After being advised to by my teacher, I bought New understanding Biology for Advanced Level by Glenn and Susan Toole due to it covering the arguments for and against issues like abortion. After listening to the pro choice and pro life arguments I have decided that abortion is wrong because it causes pain and suffering to a vulnerable, sentient human being as well as cheapening the value of human life.
I do however support stem cell research because it can help benefit the ill, my only qualms with it however are that it can cheapen the value of human life because a babies genetically engineered for cosmetic reasons and babies engineered to help another child can be seen as a sort of commodity.
I believe that ethics are important because without them human life can be cheapened. But a career in the health profession can be physically and emotionally exhausting people will want support when they are forced to confront a terminally ill or deceased family member. My studies in philosophy have helped me to be able to give answers to a grieving person on questions like how can a just, loving God exist when there is a high level of suffering in the world? I can then give them comfort in their suffering and patience while they are afflicted.
At school I was chosen to hold the very prestigious duty of senior prefect an important role as it requires me to on demand help co-ordinate the lunch queues as well as doing more demanding things like helping in the smooth running of open evenings and at times mentoring the lower years. At school I am also a member of the highly select Arrupé group. My tasks in this team involve organising assemblies for certain year groups as well as giving PowerPoint presentations to the uninformed bunch about issues like Fair Trade and the arms civil rights abuses world-wide by fun, entertaining and informative assemblies.
At the time of writing this personal statement I will be setting up a debating society which will discuss issues as serious as that over abortion to the trivial such as whether Coca cola tastes better than Pepsi.
I hope to at the end of my studies to become a GP because I believe that I have the talent and ambition too not only become a good medical student but also a great doctor. Also I believe that by pursuing this career avenue I can use my talents to the best of my ability something which I believe is my Christian duty.
A few points that may have/may have not been mentioned.

Firstly, i would remove what you said about abortion/stem cell research COMPLETELY, have you not considered both sides of the argument?, which you will be expected to do during an interview... secondly admission tutors who disagree with you are likely to reject you... you must NOT include/bring up and specific details unless you are prepared to go into DETAIL during an interview

Your PS lacks substance, it doesn't stand out, there is nothing worth mentioning really, you have dressed it up very well, but admission tutors will be able to see through all the waffle...

You should have AT LEAST 2-3 different work experiences to talk about/mention in your PS... You need some sporting activities/hobbies or things you have gained recognition in (musical instrument, sport, DOE, public speaking, awards ETC!)...

That bit about "pneumonoultramicro-scopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" is horrible, it is clear you have just included it to impress, any averge joe can do that, it is a waste of a sentence...
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Nik P
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(Original post by 2776)
Listen to the rest of the people giving you ideas, and take them onboard. However they may have missed something here:



Is this a joke? Go more into details about organization details, and dealing with parents. And not with this "lunch queues" business.

Also you missed out entirely about your academic side of things, eg "I chose my subjects because..." etc etc That should be worth over 1/4 of the PS alone.
I disagree, do NOT go into detail about your subjects unless you did something that is not scientific, and only then use about 2 sentences...
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GH
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(Original post by Nik P)
I disagree, do NOT go into detail about your subjects unless you did something that is not scientific, and only then use about 2 sentences...
I emant that you should write a few sentences like that you are interested in biochemistry and that you have read around the subject (showing independance, and demonstrating that you are academically absed-I'm mainly referring to Oxbridge canditates in this aprt because thaey base their choices mainly on academic side of things)
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Ben.S.
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(Original post by 2776)
Frankly speaking your teachers are wrong. Most of them are, unless they are in contact with the admissions tutors on a regular basis.

The academic side of things should take up at least 1/4, any other good personalities (ie teamwork, social skills, independant learning/thinking etc) must be substantiated with examples, (eg I was in the County rugby team for 4 years...[shows teamwork and dedication] etc) should take up another 1/4.

The rest should be spaced between your own personal work experiences, thoughts and the reason behind you taking medicine.
The academic side of things must be the bulk, but I disagree with prattling on about why you chose your particular A2s: no-one wants to hear it; it doesn't matter (I think your teachers were right to call it waffle). What is vital, however, is getting across why you really want to be a medic, in as succinct and original way as you can - do you realise how many clones of personal statements these people have to sift through? Admissions tutors will love you for being concise, as long as you don't compromise on the necessary bits and bobs. What kind of statement would you enjoy reading? Personally, I liked the sentence which you all complained about - with 'bits' in it - because it made the writer sound human.

Ben
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GH
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#31
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(Original post by Ben.S.)
Personally, I liked the sentence which you all complained about - with 'bits' in it - because it made the writer sound human.
What kind of "bits" are we talking about here?
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Ben.S.
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#32
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(Original post by 2776)
What kind of "bits" are we talking about here?
The word - I considered making it less ambiguous, but no.

Ben
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dieeiervonsatan
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#33
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I'm only picking out the things I didnt like here..
(Original post by bleeper)
I hope to observe the diagnosis and therapy of people suffering diseases ranging from pneumonia to pneumonoultramicro-scopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
I think that makes you sound immature and I don't think a doctor/medical addmissions tutor would find that funny at all.

(Original post by bleeper)
After listening to the pro choice and pro life arguments I have decided that abortion is wrong because it causes pain and suffering to a vulnerable, sentient human being as well as cheapening the value of human life.
I do however support stem cell research because it can help benefit the ill, my only qualms with it however are that it can cheapen the value of human life because a babies genetically engineered for cosmetic reasons and babies engineered to help another child can be seen as a sort of commodity.
I personally think the first of those paragraphs sounds AWEFUL, the second one isn't much better. It sounds much too blunt and doesn't sound at all like you've considered any of the other arguments, even though you've stated you have. Neither of those issues are as simple as you made them out to be. I don't think you should give opinions like this in your personal statement, save it for when you are asked at interview. I'd take out these two paragraphs all together (it seems long enough as it is). Additionally, you will probably be required to perform abortions as a doctor, so this might make you look very bad and not suitable for such a career!

(Original post by bleeper)
I believe that ethics are important because without them human life can be cheapened. But a career in the health profession can be physically and emotionally exhausting people will want support when they are forced to confront a terminally ill or deceased family member. My studies in philosophy have helped me to be able to give answers to a grieving person on questions like how can a just, loving God exist when there is a high level of suffering in the world? I can then give them comfort in their suffering and patience while they are afflicted.
It sounds preachy and like you think way too highly of yourself. Additionally, you won't always be able to help and reassure people, so writing as if this is how it will be when you are a doctor, will make you sound misinformed. Aswell as that, "cheapened" is too colloquial.

(Original post by bleeper)
At the time of writing this personal statement I will be setting up a debating society which will discuss issues as serious as that over abortion to the trivial such as whether Coca cola tastes better than Pepsi.
In my opinion, the bit about the Pepsi and Coca Cola just makes you sound silly. Also, "at the time of writing this.." has been said a couple of times now. You might want to vary it, or even better think of a completely different phrase entirely as it sounds too informal.

(Original post by bleeper)
I hope to at the end of my studies to become a GP because I believe that I have the talent and ambition too not only become a good medical student but also a great doctor. Also I believe that by pursuing this career avenue I can use my talents to the best of my ability something which I believe is my Christian duty.
I'd leave religion out of it. You mention it all the time and the way you say it sounds very annoying, as if you are here to save the world or something (no offense.. you did ask to be brutal!)
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Jack Schitt
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#34
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(Original post by bleeper)
Personal Statement


The study of medicine and biomedical sciences is an exciting, dynamic and evolving subject for which I feel excited at the prospect of studying. After attending the taster course An Introduction to Medicine and Biomedical Sciences at UCL I decided that working in a career relating to medicine and biomedical sciences was right for me.
a career IN MEDICINE, not just 'relating' to


At the time of writing this personal statement I will hopefully be doing two bits of work experience. I hope that one will involve me shadowing a GP and the other will involve me helping out at a hospital.
sorry, but WHAT? this doesnt make sense! Sureley if you're writing your PS,w hich you obviously are doing right now, then you're already doing that placement!
I hope to observe the diagnosis and therapy of people suffering diseases ranging from pneumonia to pneumonoultramicro-scopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
LOL..if you get an interview, you are begging for the interviewers to go into the detailed pathology of what ever that is. make it more vague like others have suggested- eg people suffering a wide range of diseases.

I was committed to studying either one of the above mentioned courses. My mother is a kidney transplant patient and this inspired me to try to assist in the helping of people in a similar or worst state as my mother and help ease them back into conventional life as possible
again, what?? commited to studying EITHER medicine or biomed?? NO NO NO, you have to show you have a passion ofr only MEDICINE, never even hint anything else otherwise straight rejection.

I believe a near insatiable appetite to learn about new medical discoveries and treatments to things like malaria are ideal characteristics for a medical school applicant or some one who wants to study biomedical sciences.
again cut out the biomed stuff. ITS MEDICINE ALL THE WAY!
As an attempt to satiate my interest in medical issues and learn about the arguments for and against certain ethical issues in medicine I read regularly The Times, The Guardian as well as tabloids like the Mirror and the Metro. I also subscribe to Biological review and at times read New Scientist.

After being advised to by my teacher,
i wouldnt say this. Implythat you read around your subjects due to your own flair and innitiative, not because of your teachers.

I bought New understanding Biology for Advanced Level by Glenn and Susan Toole due to it covering the arguments for and against issues like abortion and stell xcell research.
ok leave it at that. cut out the following paragraph

After listening to the pro choice and pro life arguments I have decided that abortion is wrong because it causes pain and suffering to a vulnerable, sentient human being as well as cheapening the value of human life.
I do however support stem cell research because it can help benefit the ill, my only qualms with it however are that it can cheapen the value of human life because a babies genetically engineered for cosmetic reasons and babies engineered to help another child can be seen as a sort of commodity.

I believe that ethics are important because without them human life can be cheapened. But a career in the health profession can be physically and emotionally exhausting people will want support when they are forced to confront a terminally ill or deceased family member. My studies in philosophy have helped me to be able to give answers to a grieving person on questions like how can a just, loving God exist when there is a high level of suffering in the world? I can then give them comfort in their suffering and patience while they are afflicted.
At school I was chosen to hold the very prestigious duty of senior prefect an important role as it requires me to on demand help co-ordinate the DELETE THIS BIT IN BOLD: lunch queues as well as doing more demanding things like helping in the smooth running of open evenings and at times mentoring the lower years. At school I am also a member of the highly select Arrupé group. My tasks in this team involve organising assemblies for certain year groups as well as giving PowerPoint presentations to the uninformed bunch ERR NO about issues like Fair Trade and the arms civil rights abuses world-wide by fun, entertaining and informative assemblies.

At the time of writing this personal statement I will be setting up a debating society which will discuss issues as serious as that over abortion to the trivial such as whether Coca cola tastes better than Pepsi. again this doesnt make sense/ if youre writing the PS now sure you should be setting up this society right now.
I hope to at the end of my studies to become a GP because I believe that I have the talent and ambition too not only become a good medical student but also a great doctor.
if you say you want to be a GP now you are ruling out possibilities of say being in surgery, specialising etc and i dont think admisssions will like that at all.
Also I believe that by pursuing this career avenue I can use my talents to the best of my ability something which I believe is my Christian duty.
not sure about putting in religion, BUT what you could do is say that because you are a christian you can empathise with other religious people as well as non religious or something like that.


this needs a lot more work. have you sought the advice of you teachers?

GOOD LUCK.
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Rushdura
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#35
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Itsa very good one!
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mr_tomus
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#36
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#36
Get rid of all the words u keep repeating eg. hope. It also sounds like you're doing the work experience as a last ditch attempt to get into medicine and admission tutors prefer people that have a long established interest in their subject. Also you must correct everything that everyone else has already said
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TheWolf
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#37
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(Original post by bleeper)
Personal Statement


The study of medicine and biomedical sciences is an exciting, dynamic and evolving subject for which I feel excited at the prospect of studying. After attending the taster course An Introduction to Medicine and Biomedical Sciences at UCL I decided that working in a career relating to medicine and biomedical sciences was right for me.
At the time of writing this personal statement I will hopefully be doing two bits of work experience. I hope that one will involve me shadowing a GP and the other will involve me helping out at a hospital. I hope to observe the diagnosis and therapy of people suffering diseases ranging from pneumonia to pneumonoultramicro-scopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
I was committed to studying either one of the above mentioned courses. My mother is a kidney transplant patient and this inspired me to try to assist in the helping of people in a similar or worst state as my mother and help ease them back into conventional life as possible
I believe a near insatiable appetite to learn about new medical discoveries and treatments to things like malaria are ideal characteristics for a medical school applicant or some one who wants to study biomedical sciences.
As an attempt to satiate my interest in medical issues and learn about the arguments for and against certain ethical issues in medicine I read regularly The Times, The Guardian as well as tabloids like the Mirror and the Metro. I also subscribe to Biological review and at times read New Scientist. After being advised to by my teacher, I bought New understanding Biology for Advanced Level by Glenn and Susan Toole due to it covering the arguments for and against issues like abortion. After listening to the pro choice and pro life arguments I have decided that abortion is wrong because it causes pain and suffering to a vulnerable, sentient human being as well as cheapening the value of human life.
I do however support stem cell research because it can help benefit the ill, my only qualms with it however are that it can cheapen the value of human life because a babies genetically engineered for cosmetic reasons and babies engineered to help another child can be seen as a sort of commodity.
I believe that ethics are important because without them human life can be cheapened. But a career in the health profession can be physically and emotionally exhausting people will want support when they are forced to confront a terminally ill or deceased family member. My studies in philosophy have helped me to be able to give answers to a grieving person on questions like how can a just, loving God exist when there is a high level of suffering in the world? I can then give them comfort in their suffering and patience while they are afflicted.
At school I was chosen to hold the very prestigious duty of senior prefect an important role as it requires me to on demand help co-ordinate the lunch queues as well as doing more demanding things like helping in the smooth running of open evenings and at times mentoring the lower years. At school I am also a member of the highly select Arrupé group. My tasks in this team involve organising assemblies for certain year groups as well as giving PowerPoint presentations to the uninformed bunch about issues like Fair Trade and the arms civil rights abuses world-wide by fun, entertaining and informative assemblies.
At the time of writing this personal statement I will be setting up a debating society which will discuss issues as serious as that over abortion to the trivial such as whether Coca cola tastes better than Pepsi.
I hope to at the end of my studies to become a GP because I believe that I have the talent and ambition too not only become a good medical student but also a great doctor. Also I believe that by pursuing this career avenue I can use my talents to the best of my ability something which I believe is my Christian duty.
I like it.
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Kaos
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#38
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(Original post by AdamC)
That always sounds dreadful. Replace it with something along the lines of "I am currently or I plan to...
Even "i plan to" sounds bad. The admissions dept want to know what he/ she *has done* and not what they plan to do. If they said "I plan to" then they would most likely be asked at intervier... if their plan didn't materialise, they're in a lot of trouble. Though I would never recommend lying, it may be advisable for the thread starter to say that they have already done something that they *know* that they will do. They will most likely be asked about it, but that wont matter if they have done it.

But then I'm only in year 13 so I don't exactly have a lot of experience in this area... indeed, I'm struggling to write my ucas form myself!
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