Help

My names tyler I’m nineteen an I’m stuck.
I’m so in love
So deeply in love and admiration for my other half
But nothing I do is good enough, I’m not aloud to be my self.
If I do something she don’t agree with or something that doesn’t fill her ‘expectations’
If I answer back or say something that could be then offensive then it is
If I do anything other then what feels like just have sex
Then I’m abused..
the nastiest of things to be said are said. At a moment a second. Generally in a blink of an eye
It’s like she enjoys. And honestly I say it a lot but I honestly believe an it.. even the thought of this hurts but I believe she’s got a kick. She enjoys.. hurting me.
I’m not perfect but I don’t just switch I don’t just start abusing. It takes me a while to retaliate then if I do if I do anything honestly then she plays this scenario where I’m the bad person an I can’t do nothing either way.
I don’t want her to change because I love who she is.
Deep down I really do look at her and smile.
And it’s killing me because.. I’m not a bad person. I’m rrally not.
Lazy and always hungry yes, But she knows everyone knows. I would do anything too see her smile.
I just.. I just want her to smile at me like she does when she’s abusing me but when she’s being nice.
I can’t take the abuse. I really can’t take much more I don’t see anything else worth going for without her. Please someone. Please help