Could we get back together again?

Hi,

I broke off with girlfriend around January this year. We had a 2 and a half year relationship. We met in school, weren't exactly friends, she was even bullied by friends, but reconnected 5 years after graduation, she liked me since high school and I knew this, and I kind of liked her too, just didn't know at the time. I fell in love with her in no time, and she did the same with me, I was devoted to her, because she's had a hard past, and made it my mission to make her smile every day. Even broke the links with my friends who bullied her, she came first always.

Well, the relationship was great, however, we were always moving places, when we met she was moving for an internship in NY, and I studied in the UK my UG. So in the first 8 months it was a long-distance relationship that worked really good. On June 2016, we finally started living in the same city in our country of origin, we were very happy, we had a lot of fun, but there were some problems as well, such as a co-worker who constantly flirted with me and made my gf feel anxious, I didn't notice, and it was such a small office (4 ppl) I just couldn't avoid having contact with that person, sadly. We worked that out, continued our relationship, however, we weren't intimate for around a year, she felt insecure of her body and I waited and worker with her on that, we later rekindled that part of our relationship with no problem.

We only had around 8 months more living in the same city, in the beginning of 2017 she had an offer to move to Mexico, she took it of course, and I totally supported her, I was leaving on September to the UK again for my masters. So another long-distance time for us. But I visited constantly during the summer months, even quit my job a month early to spend it with her before moving to London. With her in Mexico and me in London, we had again the long-distance thing again, we were working hard on our relationship, but she began a new job which required more time and I was focused on my study, we still had movie nights, facetime, we talked all the way from her home to her job (I would go out from the library to do this). In November, she moved to a new place, where she made some new friends, female, but who I never trusted at all, that's when she began to change and become more distant, even though I was trying to close off that gap. She even began to go out without telling me, which hurts as I was never the possessive "you can't go out", all I wanted to know was where she was and when she was home safe (she lives in Mexico...so it's a legitimate thing).

In December, during the holidays, I spent christmas at home and planned to spend NYE with her in Mexico, which I did. However, as she was behaving so weirdly, I asked her by chat if she wanted to end up things, if she was thinking to break of with me, which she said no, it's only that she had a lot of work and that kind of stuff. So, I travelled to Mexico, on the 27th of December, we even had a mini-Christmas, I gave her some presents I bought, and she broke of with me just after I finished doing that. We talked, and somehow, promised to work things out together, we had a lovely week after that and had a lovely but cold NYE.

After that week things went south, I was kind of grumpy because all she did in NYE was toasting, while I told her all I my feelings (sober), she began to work again, I was finishing some essays while in Mexico. We felt very distant and cold, she received the news of a close friend dying abroad, I received the news of my little cousin being diagnosed with an illness, we went sour, so in a moment we discussed the things and called for a time off, I was calm because I thought we were coming back. She was heartbroken, and crying but of course I held her close and told her we would eventually be together.

Well, I went back to London and she stayed in Mexico, in the beginning we talked often, we were very friendly, it was like the normal thing. I thought we were going to be back together in no time, and follow the plans of me marrying her (for visa purposes) after my graduation and move to Mexico with her and our lovely dog. But this didn't happen, as time went by, and I started to feel more unsure and insecure. She told she had a lot of things to work on, like her fears of commitment (bc of her parents), I told her I would wait for her, however, I didn't act correctly because I was always asking a lot of questions and kind of pressuring her to give me answers (I have some self-esteem, anxiety problems and do a lot of overthinking), the lack of answers ignited this.

Whenever I asked her, she said she didn't know what she wanted. Until one day I had to figure it out by myself. I saw her instagram activity and she was flirting with likes with a guy she had been with before me, I called her, crying and lost it, it was then when she was forced to tell me she wanted to break up for good. Since that day (night here) I've been devastated, and we have tried to cut off ties but remain talking, I felt I have begged for love (wrote her really beautiful things, made playlists) and of course it didn't help at all. I thought I was fighting when I was actually begging.

She has told me that she loves me, that she wishes to end up with me, that she believes that I am the end of her red thread. But she does not want for me to wait for her at this time, that she's feeling calm and living life, however, she has always been depressive, insecure and I feel fear of commitment has nothing to do with me but on how she feels about her. Everybody tells me she is just making up excuses because she doesn't love me but cares for me, but I truly believe she loves me. She told me not to wait for her, but that she couldn't force me not to do it. I told her I will because she is truly the love of my life, and that I understand her, and sometimes it takes this to figure things out. We decided less than a week ago to stop talking at all (however I've been leaving posts about her and our relationship, and she likes them). But we haven't had full p2p contact. This was her last tweet (send yesterday about me): "The only thing I wish you is that you be absolutely happy in everything. Never let anything bad happen to you. Because you deserve every good thing, because you have the most beautiful heart I have ever known."

I have decided not to contact her anymore, not even a tweet about her. I've started to travel a lot this time as I love that, I'm jogging, will start going to the gym and begin yoga, and focus on my study (I now have no idea where I want to go when I graduate). I do want to wait for her, but not like in a depressive way, but I'm really confused as what she actually wants (she hasn't been courageous enough to speak clearly), however what she tells me is that she is in a deep I-Don't-Know phase, and as far as I know she hasn't been with anybody. I really want her back, I see myself with her building a beautiful future. But don't want to beg or pressure her, as this is the worst strategy.

I just don't know, should I hold on some hope? give up entirely? what is truly passing through her mind? Is she playing with me? Is she actually confused?

As a naturally anxious person I would love for you to help me cope or understand, sorry for the long post. Please feel free to ask whatever you want.

Reply 1

cheesecakelove

I think the long distance has put a strain on your relationship - it is harder to be together, see other and be a proper couple. I believe it is the cause of many of the arguments. Also factor in that you were together since your studies. At that point, it is hard to know what you want from life, and to live your life.

I think she has done the kind thing by letting you go. At the moment, she isn't ready to settle down or haven't achieved what she has wanted to. She needs to live her life to find out, but at the same time, she doesn't want to string you along. In my opinion, I would let her go and focus on your own life, dreams and goals. Maybe time will bring you back together in the future, or it won't, but you can't spend your life clinging to that possibility when you have so much ahead of you.