I can't get over him

I really can't get over my ex. It's not been that long since our break up and I know that time heals everything. But I feel like I'm just going backwards. It doesn't help that we live in a small town so practically every time I'm out I either see him driving past or bump into his friends and/or family. I really really want to get back with him but don't think he feels the same. I'm heartbroken completely, and just want to either be with him or be over him. Genuinely though, if I'm not with him I really don't want to be with anyone else. Never liked someone as much as I liked him, he made me feel so confident and I could be 100% myself around him which is something I've not experienced in a long time.

What you’re going through is completely normal. We tend to think of the moment, understandably so, and lose sight of the big picture. The big picture being, inevitably you moving on, regardless of your feelings in the present moment, and regardless of how strong they are getting compared to yesterday. In your lowest moments, remember the big picture; I never got thought about thinking this before in my *lowest moments*, maybe you don’t either. As, it’s human nature- in your lowest moments, you think of your feelings, not of the inevitable, good, future.
No matter what, you always move on; a simple but wise statement I heard from a wise 40 year old man I met, who lost the love of his life. I know from experience too; an anecdote which I’ll share right now to make you feel better.

Me and my first love were together on and off for 3 years. It should’ve ended much sooner, due to him being a horrible partner, but I kept getting back with him- hence the on and off part. I dragged it on for that long (yeah, don’t be like me)! In the times I wasn’t with him, in the ‘off’ period, initially I was fine. First day? Easy as a breeze. Second day? Feeling good, feeling heartless, life is good. Third day…. I started to have intrusive thoughts. Think about his future without me; him marrying someone else, having kids with someone else, loving someone else. And me- likely also married and kids, but not the love of my life (in retrospect, hell no), my first love. And so I always went back.
A few months ago, I decided, **** him. I didn’t take him back. Even though he started messaging me for my attention continuously, wanting to go back, I didn’t. Holding your temptation is a very powerful skill to learn. And something thing you will also need to learn, if he ever comes back for you, once he realises subconsciously that you’re not coming back.
I cried, like you. I cried throughout the 3 year hellish relationship, a lot…but this time, I CRIED. I cried like no other. I stopped believing I could ever love someone again. And yeah, I didn’t love someone again for a few months- I couldn’t. Just like you think. It was really bad.
But then
1) Lack of presence = Moving on. Eventually, it’s inevitable
2) Lack is visual presence (photos, videos, screenshots of chats, etc) = Moving on. Eventually, it’s inevitable
3) The more you experience intrusive thoughts of the like, such as “he will marry someone else and love someone else”, “I won’t love anyone as much as I loved him”, “we won’t have a future together like my younger self so desperately wanted for all these years” = The more endurance you get to them. It’s like the gym. Eventually, it’s inevitable.
4) More time and more time without being with them = Moving on. Eventually, it’s inevitable. Time heals everything as you said
5) I completed the 5 stages of grief.
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining * prone to getting back
4) Depression * prone to getting back
5) Acceptance

Completing these stages essential for getting over someone you loved. Also because they link to some of the previous bullet points I stated above. There’s a catch though….if you go back to him, it will re-start and re-start- that is hell, you don’t want that. Let’s say you get to the bargaining part of the process after many tears and sadness. Then you go back to him in an impulse- but the next few weeks, you once again break up. Again, many more tears and sadness until you get to the bargaining part. You go back. You break up again. Many more tears and sadness. Maybe this time you realise you don’t need him, that he was awful. You wait a few more weeks or days Now you’re on the depression part of the process. But then on an impulse or “careful consideration” (aka impulse), you go back. See my point? Use these stages to your advantage, and don’t fall into the wash trap of the re-starting. How do you use these stages as your advantage? 1) Identify which stage you’re at now based on your emotions, so that you look forward to the new emotions you will eventually have, to complete the stages. For example: If you’re feeling anger, you can look forward to a mood change, even if it’s a negative one, of the bargaining stage. The quicker this process gets done, the better. (But of course, don’t rush your feelings, that’s not what I’m saying. Feel them in the present moment and be hopeful for your new feelings, even if the new feelings will be bad) 2) Appreciate your feelings in the present moment, even if they’re bad. Feeling too much sadness because you’re in the depression stage? I was appreciative. That meant I just left the bargaining stage! Progress


So with all of that in mind, eventually (how many times did I say this word?), I moved on. I stopped with these thoughts. Then I met someone else, and I fell in love hard. What lessons did this teach me?
1) No matter what your feelings in the present moment tell you, you will fall in love again. You haven’t met all the people you’re going to fall in love with
2) If you had the capability of falling in love once, you will fall in love again. I don’t know if it will be in the same strength (however, by that point, if you moved on, you won’t care), or maybe it will be even more. Who knows. But “If you had it in you the first time, you’ve always had it in you”. This quote is a motivational quote for self-improvement, but it fits nicely with love too, surprisingly.
3) There are too many fishes in the sea. Do you know how big the world is? You don’t, so I’m re-emphasising now. There are simply too many fishes in the sea. The statistical probability that you’ll fall in love again is very high, as long as you moved on (some people fall in love with someone else and then move on- that’s your decision to make).

Then we broke up because he was dumb as ****, lmao. I wanted to spend my life with him, but it didn’t work out. Guess what though?
1) I gained so much knowledge and wisdom, some of which I shared in this post, that it’s easier for me to move on now. So much easier.
2) I handle/regulate pain, sadness, intrusive thoughts (I gave you examples earlier), and temptation to go back, better. This is because of the emotional endurance that I built up from the massive 3-year heartbreak of before. See, heartbreak isn’t so bad after all- it builds you: it gives you emotional endurance for the NEXT heartbreak you will have, so that you cope better. This also links to the reasoning of why for some people, first love heartbreak is the hardest: one reason being, they hadn’t build the emotional endurance up to that point. Remember, this is all like the gym! Obviously, it’s not always the case for some people as their first love heartbreak isn’t always their biggest heartbreak, but this connection gives a good evidence for the idea of emotional endurance

This is also when you realise, bad things are a hidden blessing. The heartbreaks of my 3 year long hiatus provided me with emotional endurance and knowledge, I’ll carry the rest of my life. The pain I’m experiencing right now from this dumb guy I broke up with, is also a blessing I’m grateful for. It provided me with even more lessons, but they don’t fit this post. If I get a new heartbreak in the future, that again will be a hidden blessing, all the way up until, I hope, I meet my life partner at last. Bad comes with hidden good, remember that; that’s a universal law, unless you’re on your deathbed (even then, maybe that kind of bad too is good, if there’s a heaven)


Final tips:
• Talk to several of your friends about this. Not always, otherwise he will always be in your mind- plus, processing alone is essential. Do it at the times where you really really have the urge to go back + some days in between

I didn’t follow this, and if I did, I wouldn't have wasted years. 1) I talked to only one friend. Not enough. Don’t have enough friends? Tell your sibling, tell your parent if they’re supportive of relationships, tell on online posts like this, whatever. You need to talk to at the very least 2 people. 2) I didn’t talk about my problems at my lowest points where I had the strongest urges to go back. I just isolated myself in my room crying. No, at your lowest points you need to surround yourself with people; they will give you common sense and decrease your urges

• Dump all your thoughts into a notepad, diary or journal.

• Improve yourself. Go to the gym, get your grades up, learn a new hobby. Whatever. Life and self improvement speeds up the heartbreak process, and also, leaves you better!



If you read this far, I hope this was of help. Wishing you luck. Remember, human feelings are unreliable and fickle. Use your brain and you’ll be good, but of course, vent all your feelings onto someone/people/something when needed.