Words I’ll say, but will never be heard by the ears I wish them to.

This thread is going to be filled over time by texts I’ll never send, but I’ll write. Conversations I’ll imagine, but I’ll never have. And confessions that never leave my mouth but get left here.
I need to tell them to someone- anyone but the person/people who need to hear them.
What a miserable intro I know, but I refuse to let them gather in my mind. Or some other cheesy poetic line.

Reply 1

WhisperWillow

Surprisingly not a great deal of them for me.

Reply 2

WhisperWillow

I have quite literally the two voices in my head sometimes, the good, the bad, and it can be a little scary, hearing what I could be capable of, without my empathy and my emotions. The thoughts that run through my head. And I know that your thoughts don’t reflect who you are, it’s wether you listen to them. Im just a little nervous to think about the one day I might not want to ignore them. I don’t know why I wouldn’t want to ignore them, but I do know when I was in a bad place mentally I’d have days where I’d go numb with emotions, numb to empathy, like that stupid thing in vampire diaries kinda thing where they have a mental switch, but I couldn’t control mine. If something triggered it I’d be numb within the next 5 minutes and it’d be like that for the rest of the day, be that a 2/3 hours or be that 12/13 hours. And in that time I’d become so cold and heartless. Devoid of the me everyone normally sees. And when I’m like that the bad stuff didn’t seem that bad. Just simpler and easier ways to solve grievances and stop talking to people. My pateience would plummet too, if something annoyed me a little it annoyed me a lot and quickly and I’d have to either leave or tell them you’re really getting my nerves. And I normally would just wait and not say anything, maybe put my headphones on, the in that moment it wasn’t trying to be nice and kind about it, it was about shutting him up because he was driving me insane.
I told him to shut up before I’d snap that pencil he was tapping on the table to annoy me into tiny pieces and drop them on the floor. Normally that wouldn’t even cross my mind. But it did then, and I can’t remember if I did it or not but I sure indulged in the idea.

Reply 3

username5027880

We are all fighting our own form of demons,
You are not alone!!!!!

Reply 4

WhisperWillow

Original post by Karisa96

We are all fighting our own form of demons,
You are not alone!!!!!

Thanks 😊

Reply 5

username5027880

Original post by WhisperWillow

Thanks 😊

Your welcome, remain strong.😊

Reply 6

WhisperWillow

I hate this, but I really like it. Everything I feel is contradictory to what I need when it’s to you.
I like you in the best way, the kind where I just want to hug you, cuddle you, exist with you in my arms and I in yours.
I want to hear you breath and just close my eyes knowing it’s the most calm and peaceful I’ll ever be.

When we reconnected after 6 months of nothing and you told me you had/have a crush on me my heart jumped a little, just a little, but a week later when we met up in the freezing cold and I saw you I gave you a big hug and I didn’t want to leave your arms and I didn’t want to let go because it felt beautiful. It confirmed my feelings and I welcomed them. But I know I can’t do anything about them, I don’t have the emotional and mental stability to handle a relationship- without the pandemic never mind with it, I want to start a relationship I can see going to the end, I don’t want a relationship just for the fun of a relationship I want a commitment, a give and take relationship where we grow around one another and at times disagree as everyone does but get through it as I will do my hearts best to always ensure communication is apart of our problem solving as it should. But as I grew confident you grew hesitant, you doubted your feelings and now I feel horrible. For context I have never been in a relationship, never done anything with anyone and that includes the simplicity of a kiss. I’m innocent. He has experience.
Now when this all went down it was a month ago and I have completely shown my set of cards, I like you and meeting up with you made me confident as such, but after just getting off the phone you not only told me you had another guy that had confessed his feelings to you,( and a girl but this guy is very gay) and my insides felt like they were sinking but more like a compression feeling, like it was all crushing together inside me. Not the nicest thing to say the least. And I’m new to all my emotions, I lost pretty much all but my base emotions of sadness, happiness ( nothing extreme as my happiness was momentary and fleeting) and then a few self diagnosed but highly accurate mental health problems too. So I’ve literally not felt this much for a person ever as far as I can remember. And it hurts, that even though I like you I can’t be with you, because not only can I not handle having a relationship but you need time to show you the emotions I already have and that you thought you had which started this whole thing.
It’s like getting a beaten down for doing the right thing. For being a friend.

I just talked to you for 2 hours and 15 minutes and that’s the first time I have facetimed anyone ever in my life. And multiple times I felt like I needed to breathe heavier because I felt it being taken away. And I know that you were also talking to the friend you were playing online with but I just got to see you, for over 2 hours and I never realised until now how beautifully crushing it could feel.

Exhales heavily and shuts my eyes to comprehend the mess I’m in.

Reply 7

WhisperWillow

Why do you have to use that nickname, simple and meaningless as it is from you it means more, but you haven’t a clue how it means to me, or you are oblivious to it anyway. These next few weeks/ months are gonna be difficult, but worth it in the end I can only hope. With all the happiness you bring me, it’s bittersweet, as sadness holds the full stop to all your sentences.

Reply 8

Chronoscope

Volunteer Section Leader

Moved to the CC :hugs:

Reply 9

WhisperWillow

You vile beast, worth no name nor sympathy. The biggest disappointment of my life. Your face haunts me, haunts my eyes. My face, even if it’s a little. The memory of how I’ve been compared to you even if it was only in body is too much for me, I will never be like you, my love for you is nothing as there’s nothing more barren. You’ve stained my childhood, my teenhood, if there’s such a word for the point in time.
No matter how much I burn you from the photos, the smoke still lingers, on me, my hair, my clothes, my lungs. I find breathing a chore when thinking about you, more accurately when you stab your thorns in my side like a brittle berry bush it seems impossible to un-earth you from my mind.

Reply 10

WhisperWillow

Original post by Chronoscope

Moved to the CC :hugs:

What does CC stand for ?

Reply 11

xoxAngel_Kxox

I hate you for what you've done to our family .. but I have to put a face on to pretend I don't.

Reply 12

Chronoscope

Volunteer Section Leader

Original post by WhisperWillow

What does CC stand for ?

Creative corner :h:

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

why dont you let me talk

really hate this lockdown

Reply 14

Anonymous #2

I wish you knew how grateful I am for how much you have both helped me, you taught me maths, we had conversations about space and time and atoms, and have inspired to be the person I am today, allowed me to be on the way to achieving my dreams. I got to write this on little cards which I placed a few feet from you, but you sadly could not read this, it was too late. Thankyou both so much for making me the person I am today.

Reply 15

WhisperWillow

Original post by Chronoscope

Creative corner :h:

Then welcome to my thread of misery

Reply 16

WhisperWillow

I don’t like it, how we feel things differently. Your words to me mean more than mine do to you, or at least that’s how I see it, or maybe it’s more appropriate to say I take everything you say more personally than you take mine. The time we spend is more precious to me than you, so when we say to game together tomorrow but then on the day you leave me wondering when you’ll be free for 3 hours and then it turns out you were gonna spend the whole day with someone else and you were going to try to squeeze me in for an hour and maybe a few minutes more am I now allowed to feel gutted, having spent the morning practicing to play because you’re better than me,through lunch waiting for you to be free and I get to spend the rest of the day feeling more betrayed and annoyed and hurt than I should because of a plan that we made went horribly wrong for me.

(edited 4 years ago)

Reply 17

WhisperWillow

My heart just cracked, a lot. I can never have a child of my blood. I can’t love have a child of my blood, a literal bit of me in a child, that I made. I have always wanted a big family, to mess it up in my own unique but funny way that we can laugh at when we’re older and they’re grown up. I need to rewrite my wants, the wants I’ve have had for over a decade, since I was a tiny person I wanted a family, and I can still have that, but it’s just breaking my heart that I have to change that dream a little, by the time this even becomes possible I will have relearned my way of loving a child and will 100% want to adopt, but now I need to mourn, I feel like I lost a part of something important, more so than boy problems, father problems, life’s problems. I’m shaken.

Reply 18

WhisperWillow

I GOT A BOY(kinda). He told me, he liked me romantically, it might not mean a lot of you guys, but this means so much, were not together as I’m not mentally in a place where I can handle a relationship and everything else in my life but he’s waiting, and so am I.
We are friends, but we both like each other more than that, and we’re both aware of it, but not both of us are in a lace where a relationship is the healthiest idea so we’re waiting till it is.
He’s so amazing, he kind, caring, respectful, intelligent, humorous, and a dirty mind at times.
We have been friends for 4 years, then he moved away and we stopped talking for 6 months, and then he got in contact with me and two months later here we are.
He’s exactly what I want, he’s Christian, he’s beautiful, adorable, willing to wait till marriage because of my celibacy till marriage which is a big thing for me.
He’s literally an answer to a prayer.
We’re not gonna be together for a while but we are already so close, we know so much about one another but in this time were relearning one another because of the 6 months we were separated. I can’t wait to spend more time with him and the time already spent felt amazing.