panicking about uni application

my college’s internal deadline for applications is early december and i have absolutely no idea what im doing. my tutor said the best thing to do is get started on my personal statement ASAP but i didn’t have time to tell her i CAN’T because i have no idea what i want to do at uni and the entire personal statement needs to be about the course.

i have less than a week to decide the next three/four years of my life and it’ll affect the rest of my adult life and no matter what i do, it’s going to be a mistake.i have no interests or strong feelings about anything and i don’t particularly feel invested in any academic area. nothing stands out to me as something i can put myself through three intensive years of. i’m not looking for a course i’ll like anymore; i’m just looking for something that won’t make me bloody depressed.

my a-levels are maths, english language and law. i’ve regarded law as a mistake since a month into the course, not because it’s boring but because i realised i have absolutely zero intention of doing anything with it. i don’t think i could cope with a law degree and i don’t want to be a barrister or solicitor or judge or anything remotely related.

i chose maths and english language because they were very general and i haven’t ever had a bloody clue about what i’m doing with this dumb life. two years later i still don’t know. quite frankly i dont think i’ll ever know.i’m terrible at everything too so i’ve only recently decided to stop infinitely running away from my problems and actually confront the depression that is my future. i could do an economics degree or accounting & finance or business or if worse comes to worse, a law degree. but i don’t think any of these are right for me.

it just makes me ask myself then what IS right for me but honestly i can’t even answer that. to be honest i think i’ve only ever felt “passionate” about art but that is so far out of the question. my parents would vehemently object because i’d be wasting my time doing a useless subject with zero job prospects; i’ve never studied art academically and i don’t really care too much about things i’d have to learn about like art history or something; and i don’t have any time at all to magically invent a portfolio.

i can’t take a gap year because my parents would again object and i don’t know what i’d do during one. i have no clue about apprenticeships or experience or whatever the heck else and i have personal issues regarding that anyway, namely my crippling inability to be a functioning normal person of society. thanks, being-scared-to-death-of-people-ness.

i’m not an extrovert and i can’t put myself out there. i’d be wasting a year. furthermore, just because i take a year or however many off doesn’t mean i’m going to know what i want to do by the end of it. refer earlier to: i don’t think i’ll ever know.

this is entire thing is an unstructured mess because i’m an unstructured mess. i’m starting a process i should’ve began like literally three years ago before i even stepped into my secondary school to collect my gcse results.

i like maths but honestly i’d probably be crushed under the strain of a maths degree. also, i don’t have further maths so that’s unfortunately shot to the ground. also also, i’m bad at maths. it isn’t something that intuitively clicks for me and to be quite perfectly honest, i have no bloody clue how to study or work hard to make up for that kind of thing because in the past, i’ve done well without learning those skills which means i’ve never had to develop them. if i were a better, more driven person, i would’ve anyway, but refer to: i have personal issues, but this time just in general.

if i were to try my hand at economics or something else financey, well, i for one have no idea whatsoever goes on inside those. i read something about hypothesis testing for econometrics and this made me really quite sad because i suck at hypothesis testing. pure maths ftw. anyway, i have no idea what actually is studied in economics or business or accounting & finance. well, you start to say, you should probably look at that. yes, i agree, i likely should. just another thing to do and then cry after for half an hour because of the aforementioned crippling inability to be a functional human being.

that aside, my college literally offers further maths, econ and business. this is a problem because i have zero excuse for not choosing them should i apply to the university courses. like, “well, applicant, i see you’ve applied for economics. i also see you could’ve taken it at a-level. i also see that we have 200 other applicants and they have chosen economics as an a-level. tell me, applicant, what was going through your head when you tried to do anything here?”

my major disadvantages to other candidates aside, that doesn’t even consider my personal statement which, assuming i CHOOSE a course, needs to show an interest in it. like. i have to want to do the course. i really don’t think i can fake an interest in these subjects. i have zero passion and/or consideration for literally anything i swear to god. “okay pitch yourself why should we let you on the course” “well, i have nothing else to do and i will end up sad, even more lost and depressed if i don’t.” “that is quite unfortunate, applicant, but i’m sorry. compared to jenna here who has been thinking of economics since she was born and has done 1700 hours working at a large firm part time while doing her 20 gcses and achieving straight 9s in all of them and then going on to do 5 a-levels, all finance related and facilitating subjects for this course, and then achieving 5 A*s and having an A* in her epq which is on a diversified topic, as well as her personal statement being positively overflowing in her passion and desire for economics and everything economical in that she has spent every waking hour thinking of why she loves this area of expertise—compared to her, i really cannot see a reason for my past self opening and even deigning to glance at your worthless, devoid of life and any potential whatsoever, application. thank you for wasting my time.”

hyperbolic idiocy aside, there isn’t an answer for why a university would accept a student they don’t think has any actual interest in what they’re going there for. they don’t want people to bring down their stats and probably want to minimise the percentage of drop outs they get, so they’d be really shooting themselves in the foot if they accepted someone like me. ironically, i’m doing the opposite of a personal statement lol instead of hyping myself up, i’m just logically outlining every reason i am nOT a good applicant.

and i mean it’s worse because i want success and i want to go to a decent university. except all the good unis want motivated, dedicated students with direction and purpose and my entire existence is so fundamentally antithetical to that archetype it’s less funny and more just depressingly sad.

i mean even if by some god given miracle i get accepted onto a course like econ at a decent uni, my job prospects are less than ideal for me. i think i would absolutely go insane in an office job. i did one for work experience and literally by the end of the first day, i’m entirely sure i stepped out a wormhole and 19 years had actually passed. i don’t think i could survive in office politics either. i’m just not the type of person who’s equipped to deal with that. possibly refer to earlier: crippling inability to be a functioning human being.

i’ve been telling myself for the past three weeks to readjust the goal post because i wouldn’t be having these problems if i just didn’t care about having a decent life. if i didn’t care about going to a decent uni or any sense of security whatsoever, it wouldn’t matter because i’d just do something stupid and irrelevant. but my expectations and desires are so misaligned to my actual efforts and actions. you’re probably asking yourself how can i possibly expect anything good if i clearly haven’t been putting in anything to ensure that. well, i know that you’re asking that because that’s a very logical thing to ask and yes, i ask myself the same thing too. point is though, despite the stupidity of it, i don’t have an answer. maybe something something gifted kid when i was younger something something now on the track to a failure. haha we’re all fine.

well anyway that’s my life story. i’m basically out of time and this close to giving up and having Bad ™ thoughts but i’ll be fine. probably.

i’m just. very stressed. very lost. if anyone has any advice to offer, i’d be very happy to hear it. (if your advice is to go find something to OD on, well. it’s a consideration.)(addendum: i think my predicteds are likely to be AAB, with the B in maths, if that makes any difference.)

That was so long I gave up half way but a few comments.

You don't need to have studied Economics at A level to do Economics at uni so that sounds a possibility since you are presumably quite good at Maths to be studying it at this level and also quite good at writing since you study English and have written an essay above.

You seem very apathetic since you allow people to tell you that you have to go to uni when you so clearly don't want to. Isn't there anything you have the tiniest bit of interest in?

Edited to say that I just read a bit more and saw your predicted grades are AAB. So you can pretend a bit of enthusiasm at least in your essays and so on. Again I wonder what you are really interested in - politics, philosophy, psychology, anything?

Chill.

I haven't read your entire post but essentially, if you haven't got a clue what to do at Uni, then don't go.
Or certainly don't go this year.

Nowhere is it written that you have to go to Uni, or that you can only go straight from school.
Many people have a year (or more) out to sort their ideas out, and work out what they want to do with their life.

Get an apprenticeship, get a job/earn some money, do some travel, live a bit.
And once your ideas are clearer, then apply for Uni.
Ideas :
https://www.campamerica.co.uk/the-experience
https://www.theleap.co.uk/gap-year/
https://www.explore.co.uk/destinations
https://www.notgoingtouni.co.uk/