Am I in the wrong, or does she need to back off?

Watch
Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
I've been living away from for almost 3 years, and in that time I've finished my degree, worked all the way through my studies both before and after I left home, and have been on several holiday's. (This makes sense when I explain my issue).

Since I was young/in my teens, when I admittedly wasn't the best behaved child, my mother and I would fall out constantly over very silly stuff. But since leaving home and being more independent (I already was before I left, really), the relationship between us has definitely improved. However, there are certain things that she does that I still feel is her way of trying to emotionally control me, or blackmail me into doing what she wants.

For example, during lockdown 1 last year, I moved home for 3 months due to being on furlough from a very new job, meaning my pay was poor and I couldn't afford my basics i.e., food and transport. I then managed to get a new job that meant I could move back to my university city and start earning again, which caused a HUGE argument with my mother whom didn't see the point in me doing this as I was ''doing anything I could just to move out and not deal with her''.. I think she forgot I did it because I needed a wage to survive, not because I was trying to just annoy her?

More recently since everything else has happened and become more relaxed, I agreed to a girls graduate holiday this year. Despite the current issues with travel, my mother seemed fine with the idea of me doing this and I of course told her where I was going, how long for and when etc. More recently, however, she'd felt the need to constantly ask for the exact address of the hotel I'm staying in. Bare in mind as mentioned I have been on several holidays, none of which she has asked for that before. At first I presumed there was a reason for her asking, but she genuinely couldn't give me a reason why other than ''just do as I say and stop causing problems''. Since, she has asked me several times to give her the address of the hotel, to which I have always responded calmly but firmly, and told her unless she has a genuine reason as to why she needs to know, she won't be told. To put into perspective, I'm almost 23 years of age and have lived/payed for my own life since I was 14, even when I was still living at home. This isn't about her needing to know where I'm off on my holiday, this is about her wanting control of every situation possible, and I'm reluctant to continue giving her the satisfaction.

Am I being over-dramatic and should just tell her, or can I hold my ground and tell her she doesn't NEED to know every movement I make anymore?
0
reply
Anonymous #2
#2
Report 1 month ago
#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
I've been living away from for almost 3 years, and in that time I've finished my degree, worked all the way through my studies both before and after I left home, and have been on several holiday's. (This makes sense when I explain my issue).

Since I was young/in my teens, when I admittedly wasn't the best behaved child, my mother and I would fall out constantly over very silly stuff. But since leaving home and being more independent (I already was before I left, really), the relationship between us has definitely improved. However, there are certain things that she does that I still feel is her way of trying to emotionally control me, or blackmail me into doing what she wants.

For example, during lockdown 1 last year, I moved home for 3 months due to being on furlough from a very new job, meaning my pay was poor and I couldn't afford my basics i.e., food and transport. I then managed to get a new job that meant I could move back to my university city and start earning again, which caused a HUGE argument with my mother whom didn't see the point in me doing this as I was ''doing anything I could just to move out and not deal with her''.. I think she forgot I did it because I needed a wage to survive, not because I was trying to just annoy her?

More recently since everything else has happened and become more relaxed, I agreed to a girls graduate holiday this year. Despite the current issues with travel, my mother seemed fine with the idea of me doing this and I of course told her where I was going, how long for and when etc. More recently, however, she'd felt the need to constantly ask for the exact address of the hotel I'm staying in. Bare in mind as mentioned I have been on several holidays, none of which she has asked for that before. At first I presumed there was a reason for her asking, but she genuinely couldn't give me a reason why other than ''just do as I say and stop causing problems''. Since, she has asked me several times to give her the address of the hotel, to which I have always responded calmly but firmly, and told her unless she has a genuine reason as to why she needs to know, she won't be told. To put into perspective, I'm almost 23 years of age and have lived/payed for my own life since I was 14, even when I was still living at home. This isn't about her needing to know where I'm off on my holiday, this is about her wanting control of every situation possible, and I'm reluctant to continue giving her the satisfaction.

Am I being over-dramatic and should just tell her, or can I hold my ground and tell her she doesn't NEED to know every movement I make anymore?
You’re must be white because are white people problems😂. Your mum just probably wants to know the address incase anything happens and she can contact you. You’re so young and already moved out and have so much independence, she probably just misses you
0
reply
Reality Check
Badges: 22
Rep:
?
#3
Report 1 month ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
You’re must be white because are white people problems😂. Your mum just probably wants to know the address incase anything happens and she can contact you. You’re so young and already moved out and have so much independence, she probably just misses you
Racist.
1
reply
Reality Check
Badges: 22
Rep:
?
#4
Report 1 month ago
#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
I've been living away from for almost 3 years, and in that time I've finished my degree, worked all the way through my studies both before and after I left home, and have been on several holiday's. (This makes sense when I explain my issue).

Since I was young/in my teens, when I admittedly wasn't the best behaved child, my mother and I would fall out constantly over very silly stuff. But since leaving home and being more independent (I already was before I left, really), the relationship between us has definitely improved. However, there are certain things that she does that I still feel is her way of trying to emotionally control me, or blackmail me into doing what she wants.

For example, during lockdown 1 last year, I moved home for 3 months due to being on furlough from a very new job, meaning my pay was poor and I couldn't afford my basics i.e., food and transport. I then managed to get a new job that meant I could move back to my university city and start earning again, which caused a HUGE argument with my mother whom didn't see the point in me doing this as I was ''doing anything I could just to move out and not deal with her''.. I think she forgot I did it because I needed a wage to survive, not because I was trying to just annoy her?

More recently since everything else has happened and become more relaxed, I agreed to a girls graduate holiday this year. Despite the current issues with travel, my mother seemed fine with the idea of me doing this and I of course told her where I was going, how long for and when etc. More recently, however, she'd felt the need to constantly ask for the exact address of the hotel I'm staying in. Bare in mind as mentioned I have been on several holidays, none of which she has asked for that before. At first I presumed there was a reason for her asking, but she genuinely couldn't give me a reason why other than ''just do as I say and stop causing problems''. Since, she has asked me several times to give her the address of the hotel, to which I have always responded calmly but firmly, and told her unless she has a genuine reason as to why she needs to know, she won't be told. To put into perspective, I'm almost 23 years of age and have lived/payed for my own life since I was 14, even when I was still living at home. This isn't about her needing to know where I'm off on my holiday, this is about her wanting control of every situation possible, and I'm reluctant to continue giving her the satisfaction.

Am I being over-dramatic and should just tell her, or can I hold my ground and tell her she doesn't NEED to know every movement I make anymore?
You're being slightly unreasonable. You're her daughter - you're the most precious thing she has. You're going away abroad on holiday which of course is going to be absolutely fine, but for her spells possible danger and frets her, mainly because she's a mother and that's what she's programmed to do. So of course she wants to know where the hotel is, 'just in case'. Mothers work on 'just in case'! That's their raison 'd'être.

Would it be life-changing for you to acknowledge this and pacify her by letting her know where you're going. In other words, do you want to make your mother worry a bit less about you and tell her something which isn't going to actually affect you or your holiday one bit, but will just calm the situation? Or, due to the feeling that 'IT'S NONE OF HER BUSINESS' will you continue to withhold this information and cause her upset?

This is how it works. I like the idea of 'but I'm 23' - she'll be doing this when you're in your 50s... Again, she's your mother, and this is what mothers do.

It comes from a good place. Be generous, because you'll actually be doing this to your own daughters in not very long (despite thinking that this is something that you will never, ever do to any child of your own, etc etc )
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#5
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#5
(Original post by Reality Check)
You're being slightly unreasonable. You're her daughter - you're the most precious thing she has. You're going away abroad on holiday which of course is going to be absolutely fine, but for her spells possible danger and frets her, mainly because she's a mother and that's what she's programmed to do. So of course she wants to know where the hotel is, 'just in case'. Mothers work on 'just in case'! That's their raison 'd'être.

Would it be life-changing for you to acknowledge this and pacify her by letting her know where you're going. In other words, do you want to make your mother worry a bit less about you and tell her something which isn't going to actually affect you or your holiday one bit, but will just calm the situation? Or, due to the feeling that 'IT'S NONE OF HER BUSINESS' will you continue to withhold this information and cause her upset?

This is how it works. I like the idea of 'but I'm 23' - she'll be doing this when you're in your 50s... Again, she's your mother, and this is what mothers do.

It comes from a good place. Be generous, because you'll actually be doing this to your own daughters in not very long (despite thinking that this is something that you will never, ever do to any child of your own, etc etc )
I would understand if she had asked me previously, but she hasn’t. And if it were for that reason, surely she would’ve just said so. She absolutely will not be doing it in my 50s, her mother doesn’t and she won’t either 😂 it is just incredibly frustrating that she likes to emotionally manipulate me into certain situations i.e., getting a job over lockdown. Also, won’t be having any kids myself lmao but yeah.
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#6
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
You’re must be white because are white people problems😂. Your mum just probably wants to know the address incase anything happens and she can contact you. You’re so young and already moved out and have so much independence, she probably just misses you
No, I’m not. But considering that was your first instinct to go with assuming my skin colour, I won’t be considering your opinion. Thanks
0
reply
ReadingMum
Badges: 18
Rep:
?
#7
Report 1 month ago
#7
I would be concerned if my daughter was planning a foreign holiday while the pandemic is definitely still going - if it is a UK holiday then she is being a bit clingy. This health crisis has forced people to examine what really matters to them - it seems like to her this is you.
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#8
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#8
(Original post by ReadingMum)
I would be concerned if my daughter was planning a foreign holiday while the pandemic is definitely still going - if it is a UK holiday then she is being a bit clingy. This health crisis has forced people to examine what really matters to them - it seems like to her this is you.
But again, surely if that was the issue then she would’ve said? Because she was going on holiday herself the exact same month, so it made no sense for that to be the reason why
0
reply
Final Fantasy
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#9
Report 1 month ago
#9
I think you are being quite unreasonable towards your mother and acting like a spoilt child. Your mum is just concerned for the safety of her daughter. Maybe consider putting your mum's worries to rest instead of acting in an immature manner.
Last edited by Final Fantasy; 1 month ago
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#10
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#10
(Original post by Final Fantasy)
I think you are being quite unreasonable towards your mother and acting like a spoilt child. Your mum is just concerned for the safety of her daughter. Maybe consider putting your mum's worries to rest instead of acting in an immature manner.
Lol okay. Not quite sure how I’m spoilt when I’ve been entirely self-sufficient since the age of 14. 🤷🏼*♀️ If she was concerned she would’ve said so, but she hasn’t. That is my point.
0
reply
ReadingMum
Badges: 18
Rep:
?
#11
Report 1 month ago
#11
(Original post by Anonymous)
Lol okay. Not quite sure how I’m spoilt when I’ve been entirely self-sufficient since the age of 14. 🤷🏼*♀️ If she was concerned she would’ve said so, but she hasn’t. That is my point.
you know your mother - strangers on a forum don't so we can only guess at the reason. It seemed reasonable to guess that it is through badly expressed concern during a pandemic. Maybe she was planning a surprise to be sent there?
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Feeling behind at school/college? What is the best thing your teachers could to help you catch up?

Extra compulsory independent learning activities (eg, homework tasks) (11)
7.28%
Run extra compulsory lessons or workshops (26)
17.22%
Focus on making the normal lesson time with them as high quality as possible (25)
16.56%
Focus on making the normal learning resources as high quality/accessible as possible (21)
13.91%
Provide extra optional activities, lessons and/or workshops (42)
27.81%
Assess students, decide who needs extra support and focus on these students (26)
17.22%

Watched Threads

View All
Latest
My Feed