does he want to break up with me?

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Doomotron
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#41
Report 2 weeks ago
#41
(Original post by Ciel.)
our sole reason for living? are you kidding me? it's 2021
and anyway, i should be way more important to him than some random stupid kid
i don't understand you people at all
When I say 'sole reason for living' I don't mean that he has no reason to live other than having children. I meant that, by default, the absolute end goal of every human is to reproduce. This is a common trait in every single species across the world. Of course, in humans at least circumstances can and do change. For some people, other things get in the way, like relationship struggles, other commitments, or more permanent issues such as infertility. But reproduction is one of our instincts, and your boyfriend, like most men and women, wants to fulfill that urge. 'Some random stupid kid' is an incredibly selfish and ridiculous thing to say - this is your boyfriend's future son or daughter. When you have children (and for clarification I am talking to the reader, not directly to you), it is your life. If you and your boyfriend have children, he is not replacing you. You are the mother of his child, and equally he is the father of your child. It's a shared responsibility and many people strive to have children for their entire lives. It's tough, but it's worth it.

You may not want children, and that is fine. While your apparent disgust towards children is likely temporary - we all come round to it eventually - there are perfectly adequate reasons to delay having a child or not having one. However, not wanting your boyfriend to 'replace' you with your child is not one of them. I don't really care if you have children with him, or if he has children with someone else, or if you have children later in life, but dismissing his point of view because you dislike children is a sign that your relationship isn't as good as it could be. I disagree with others telling you to break up with him, as none of us know your relationship well enough to make that judgment, but I would suggest seriously considering the future of your relationship with him, ideally in an open discussion. Should you choose to break up with him, it may be for the best. He'll be able to have children with a willing partner, and you won't have to ruin his life by refusing to have children.

Also thanks for the complimentary insult.
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Smeraldettoi
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#42
Report 2 weeks ago
#42
(Original post by Doomotron)
When I say 'sole reason for living' I don't mean that he has no reason to live other than having children. I meant that, by default, the absolute end goal of every human is to reproduce. This is a common trait in every single species across the world. Of course, in humans at least circumstances can and do change. For some people, other things get in the way, like relationship struggles, other commitments, or more permanent issues such as infertility. But reproduction is one of our instincts, and your boyfriend, like most men and women, wants to fulfill that urge. 'Some random stupid kid' is an incredibly selfish and ridiculous thing to say - this is your boyfriend's future son or daughter. When you have children (and for clarification I am talking to the reader, not directly to you), it is your life. If you and your boyfriend have children, he is not replacing you. You are the mother of his child, and equally he is the father of your child. It's a shared responsibility and many people strive to have children for their entire lives. It's tough, but it's worth it.

You may not want children, and that is fine. While your apparent disgust towards children is likely temporary - we all come round to it eventually - there are perfectly adequate reasons to delay having a child or not having one. However, not wanting your boyfriend to 'replace' you with your child is not one of them. I don't really care if you have children with him, or if he has children with someone else, or if you have children later in life, but dismissing his point of view because you dislike children is a sign that your relationship isn't as good as it could be. I disagree with others telling you to break up with him, as none of us know your relationship well enough to make that judgment, but I would suggest seriously considering the future of your relationship with him, ideally in an open discussion. Should you choose to break up with him, it may be for the best. He'll be able to have children with a willing partner, and you won't have to ruin his life by refusing to have children.

Also thanks for the complimentary insult.
PRSOM
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Lacrimosa1
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#43
Report 2 weeks ago
#43
(Original post by Ciel.)
he wants me to admit myself to one of those *****y 'luxury' centres/clinics 'for a few weeks'. as you can imagine i'm beyond insulted/humiliated/angry. ibarely got any sleep last night bc of it, and i think i finally figured out why he wants me to do that. he wants to distance himself from me, before breaking up?

i think the fact that we don't have kids/will never have kids is really starting to get to him (he's in his 30s so lots of his friends have kids plus his mother never shuts up about it). obviouly i know there are options like adoption/surrogates but i wouldn't make a good parent. kids just disgust me. i don't know why but i have 0 parental instincts. it wouldnt end well
Break up with that bloody ba5tard. I may have no experience with relationships but I have experience with fake friends. My advise is that if you don't want kids and your mother in law is peer pressuring you just leave him. By the was you described him and his mother, he sounds like a 'mama's boy'. I know this seems brutal but just get out of the relationship and move on. There's plenty of other men who would treat you better.
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Ciel.
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#44
Report Thread starter 2 weeks ago
#44
(Original post by Anonymous)
I really think you've outgrown the relationship tbh you're so young there's no point clinging to this person when you don't have the same wishes for the future what's the point? who is it benefiting? It's just hurting you and him.
our wishes/hopes for the future used to be the same. he can't just change them on a whim
(Original post by Ainnee91)
you're kind of just rejecting everyone's opinions and advice
obviously you're not happy in your relationship and have a lot of doubts - you're going to after either talk to him and work through it or try and move on.
i do want to work through it. he needs to give up on that silly idea
(Original post by Doomotron)
When I say 'sole reason for living' I don't mean that he has no reason to live other than having children. I meant that, by default, the absolute end goal of every human is to reproduce. This is a common trait in every single species across the world. Of course, in humans at least circumstances can and do change. For some people, other things get in the way, like relationship struggles, other commitments, or more permanent issues such as infertility. But reproduction is one of our instincts, and your boyfriend, like most men and women, wants to fulfill that urge. 'Some random stupid kid' is an incredibly selfish and ridiculous thing to say - this is your boyfriend's future son or daughter. When you have children (and for clarification I am talking to the reader, not directly to you), it is your life. If you and your boyfriend have children, he is not replacing you. You are the mother of his child, and equally he is the father of your child. It's a shared responsibility and many people strive to have children for their entire lives. It's tough, but it's worth it.

You may not want children, and that is fine. While your apparent disgust towards children is likely temporary - we all come round to it eventually - there are perfectly adequate reasons to delay having a child or not having one. However, not wanting your boyfriend to 'replace' you with your child is not one of them. I don't really care if you have children with him, or if he has children with someone else, or if you have children later in life, but dismissing his point of view because you dislike children is a sign that your relationship isn't as good as it could be. I disagree with others telling you to break up with him, as none of us know your relationship well enough to make that judgment, but I would suggest seriously considering the future of your relationship with him, ideally in an open discussion. Should you choose to break up with him, it may be for the best. He'll be able to have children with a willing partner, and you won't have to ruin his life by refusing to have children.

Also thanks for the complimentary insult.
sorry but i find the whole concept ridiculous. like what 'urge'? most intelligent people aren't as primitive, with silly animal-like urges to mate and produce babies
(Original post by Lacrimosa1)
Break up with that bloody ba5tard. I may have no experience with relationships but I have experience with fake friends. My advise is that if you don't want kids and your mother in law is peer pressuring you just leave him. By the was you described him and his mother, he sounds like a 'mama's boy'. I know this seems brutal but just get out of the relationship and move on. There's plenty of other men who would treat you better.
eh i don't want to leave him, that's the problem i guess :<
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Doomotron
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#45
Report 2 weeks ago
#45
(Original post by Ciel.)
sorry but i find the whole concept ridiculous. like what 'urge'? most intelligent people aren't as primitive, with silly animal-like urges to mate and produce babies
As humans, we have generally evolved to not be as instinctive as other species, as our larger brains allow us to evaluate situations more effectively and not directly act on impulses. But despite this, many instincts remain, such as the flight-or-fight mechanism, which is thought to be the oldest process in the brain and has received the fewest changes. It's why we get scared even though we know there's nothing to be scared of, like when we're watching a horror film - we know the film can't hurt us, but we think it does. The brain is a strange thing, which we both control and don't at the same time. Anyway, back on topic. We are born with very little in the way of instincts and fears, and the rest are learnt as we grow up. We are only born with a handful of fears, one of which is loud noises, and fears like snakes and spiders are learnt as we grow older. It's the same thing with parental instincts. Generally they start when our sex hormones kick in during puberty (although particularly in girls, maternal instincts can be displayed from birth, hence why girls often like to play with toy babies). The sex hormones affect these instincts in different ways though. They've clearly not made you very maternal, but in other people it can make them want children straight away.

We don't act entirely upon these instincts as I explained earlier - we have the power to evaluate situations in far greater detail than most other creatures. Yet it is often the case that our instincts overpower our ability to think, as with the horror film scenario. In the cases of some people, they can think rationally for reasons for and against having children - I myself don't want to have children right now, as I don't want them to go through the same issues I had as a young child. I don't know if I'll still think like that when I'm 30, and that's why I heavily disagree with people getting vasectomies and other preventative measures early in life. It's completely alright to not want children right now, but I can't stress enough that you may change your mind later in life. In situations like these, it may be best to agree with your boyfriend to say 'maybe in the future' rather than 'never ever'.
Last edited by Doomotron; 2 weeks ago
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#46
Report 2 weeks ago
#46
(Original post by Ciel.)
our wishes/hopes for the future used to be the same. he can't just change them on a whim

i do want to work through it. he needs to give up on that silly idea

sorry but i find the whole concept ridiculous. like what 'urge'? most intelligent people aren't as primitive, with silly animal-like urges to mate and produce babies

eh i don't want to leave him, that's the problem i guess :<
Does he have any issues with his mental health?
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Ciel.
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#47
Report Thread starter 2 weeks ago
#47
(Original post by Doomotron)
As humans, we have generally evolved to not be as instinctive as other species, as our larger brains allow us to evaluate situations more effectively and not directly act on impulses. But despite this, many instincts remain, such as the flight-or-fight mechanism, which is thought to be the oldest process in the brain and has received the fewest changes. It's why we get scared even though we know there's nothing to be scared of, like when we're watching a horror film - we know the film can't hurt us, but we think it does. The brain is a strange thing, which we both control and don't at the same time. Anyway, back on topic. We are born with very little in the way of instincts and fears, and the rest are learnt as we grow up. We are only born with a handful of fears, one of which is loud noises, and fears like snakes and spiders are learnt as we grow older. It's the same thing with parental instincts. Generally they start when our sex hormones kick in during puberty (although particularly in girls, maternal instincts can be displayed from birth, hence why girls often like to play with toy babies). The sex hormones affect these instincts in different ways though. They've clearly not made you very maternal, but in other people it can make them want children straight away.

We don't act entirely upon these instincts as I explained earlier - we have the power to evaluate situations in far greater detail than most other creatures. Yet it is often the case that our instincts overpower our ability to think, as with the horror film scenario. In the cases of some people, they can think rationally for reasons for and against having children - I myself don't want to have children right now, as I don't want them to go through the same issues I had as a young child. I don't know if I'll still think like that when I'm 30, and that's why I heavily disagree with people getting vasectomies and other preventative measures early in life. It's completely alright to not want children right now, but I can't stress enough that you may change your mind later in life. In situations like these, it may be best to agree with your boyfriend to say 'maybe in the future' rather than 'never ever'.
* paternal
i get what you mean tho. still, i don't want to lie to him. i don't know why kids disgust me but they do. i find them super annoying too. even when i was little i would say stuff like 'if i ever have a kid i'll kill'. it would really disturb my family (can't blame them. and i don't know what was going through my head i can't explain it)

(Original post by Anonymous)
Does he have any issues with his mental health?
i mean not really. minor anger issues when he drinks i guess
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username5827042
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#48
Report 1 week ago
#48
Sorry is the silly idea you're referring to him wanting to have children?
Having kids is a huge deal for a lot of people and you're asking quite a lot of him if you're asking him to not have any.
The last thing you'd want is him resenting you when you're both older.
If he didn't want any when you got together but he;s since changed his mind then that's fine, I didn't want any children for my entire teenage years and have since changed my mind too.

I'm not saying you should have children just for the sake of staying together, but i do think you need to talk to him about it.
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Ciel.
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#49
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
#49
(Original post by Ainnee91)
Sorry is the silly idea you're referring to him wanting to have children?
Having kids is a huge deal for a lot of people and you're asking quite a lot of him if you're asking him to not have any.
The last thing you'd want is him resenting you when you're both older.
If he didn't want any when you got together but he;s since changed his mind then that's fine, I didn't want any children for my entire teenage years and have since changed my mind too.

I'm not saying you should have children just for the sake of staying together, but i do think you need to talk to him about it.
no, it's not fine
don't really wanna talk about this anymore
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Lacrimosa1
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#50
Report 1 week ago
#50
(Original post by Ciel.)
no, it's not fine
don't really wanna talk about this anymore
In the end, it's your choice. I'm sure you might have friends you can talk to because they know you better. Stay safe!
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Ciel.
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#51
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
#51
(Original post by Lacrimosa1)
In the end, it's your choice. I'm sure you might have friends you can talk to because they know you better. Stay safe!
thanks x
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Lacrimosa1
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#52
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#52
(Original post by Ciel.)
thanks x
You're welcome! :hugs:
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Little pecker
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#53
Report 1 week ago
#53
Are you going for the luxury rehab or not then.

Also the kids bit, it’s a pretty big deal, if my partner (if they existed) brought up kids then we’d be done.
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Ciel.
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#54
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
#54
(Original post by Little pecker)
Are you going for the luxury rehab or not then.

Also the kids bit, it’s a pretty big deal, if my partner (if they existed) brought up kids then we’d be done.
no..
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Lacrimosa1
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#55
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#55
(Original post by Ciel.)
no..
How are you?
Is everything alright?
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Ciel.
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#56
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
#56
(Original post by Lacrimosa1)
How are you?
Is everything alright?
been better, lol
but yeah

how are you doing
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Lacrimosa1
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#57
Report 1 week ago
#57
(Original post by Ciel.)
been better, lol
but yeah

how are you doing
That's great to hear!
Not so well, unfortunately. Parents have been over-controlling
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Talkative Toad
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#58
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#58
(Original post by 1secondsofvamps)
You two aren't compatible or good for each other, you show that in all threads of yours
dang the brutal honesty, thinking the exact same thing. I personally don't want to have kids either, so no point in me being with someone who absolutely wants to have kids.
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1secondsofvamps
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#59
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#59
(Original post by Talkative Toad)
dang the brutal honesty, thinking the exact same thing. I personally don't want to have kids either, so no point in me being with someone who absolutely wants to have kids.
No point in sugarcoating the problem
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ROTL94
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#60
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#60
(Original post by 1secondsofvamps)
No point in sugarcoating the problem
No, but you're basically talking to a brick wall.
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