Moving out in home town

Hi, I just wanted to ask on here whether anyone has had the same experience to me?

I don’t know if this is the right forum but I hope this is okay!

I go to uni in my hometown, this is for personal reasons such as having a young brother who I often help out with at home (he is autistic and I love being with him/playing with him as it makes him really happy). However, I felt a lot like I was missing out on really being a student - I came home often after lectures and it was predominantly online due to still being in the covid phase. It felt a lot like 6th form but I got on with my work and managed to do really well in my first year.

I decided in 2nd year to move out to try to be more social and get involved, however this made everything go wrong. It was only a 15 minute car drive away from home in my flat and it really didn’t feel right living in the city when I could be at home helping. I also started to question my degree which I tried so hard with last year as I felt like I was missing something from life moving out. I think not having someone to care for and also being in such close proximity to home made me feel really torn and I couldn’t seem to develop myself. I realise this wouldn’t be the same case for everyone and people would really benefit from moving out but it really messed with my thinking.

Because of this I really started getting behind with my studies and started losing myself, I should have asked for help a lot sooner but I thought I could cope by myself. I got into a really difficult state and couldn’t function without caring for someone. This was difficult with my course as it was a science degree and very theory/lab based and this felt very disconnected from me.

My original plan was to complete my biomedical sciences degree and try to apply for graduate medicine which I was really excited about, but I think moving out made me realise that the future is going to be slightly different for me in that I will need to be around a lot for my brother. This made me think that perhaps I should have done teaching or nursing as the training is much shorter and I could do this and be home often. I thought that moving into my home town was my only chance to feel like a student and that my old dream to move away to another city and study medicine just wasn’t feasible at all.

However this was all when I was feeling down and now I realise I’m allowed to have my own life and to follow my dreams, even if this isn’t medicine I’m allowed to move away and explore life and to do anything. My parents are fully capable and able to look after my brother and I think some kind of psychological mum complex came over me as I spent so much time with my little brother, my personality was based off caring for him and I didn’t know myself.

All of this resulted in me being an extremely bad student, I haven’t completed any of my uni work this year and this is due to me being in such a turning state for so long and realising so much about myself. I also ended up switching to biology as I thought this would get me more away from labs but this feels even more disconnected from my soul.

I have made a big mess this year and my only choice now is to either salvage my bio degree over the last few months or to go part time with my old degree and maybe get a job and do work experience to get back on track. I realise I need to stop sacrificing my soul for caring for others all the time and this means finding myself again. In the ideal world I would be carrying on with biomedical science, making friends at university and getting involved but I can’t go back in time. Though I feel these past few months have really made me realise what I find important in life, and that is caring for people and making them better. I want to do it forever and everyday and this will let me love life for every fibre it is. I think studying medicine will let me do this and to feel fulfilled in life and I would make time to be around for my brother as much as I can.

Life is such a confusing time and not knowing where you fit into it really does make you question yourself and makes you feel hopeless for life and for change. But I know now that there really is a place for everyone and that everyone deserves a chance to find that.

I started this off asking for help on what I’m feeling but I think I just want people to know that if you’re ever feeling hopeless or that nothing matters anymore there is always a way out. I promise that with everything and I know how hard life can become and how tiring it can be to even wake up in the morning, but the world needs people like you and you bring so much to it. The worlds problems feel so heavy and they dig into your shoulders and make you feel worthless, but every action you do, everyday, makes the world better.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you are valid, you are worth so much and you can make life beautiful by being what you want to be. I especially want people who have caring responsibilities to know this and to know that you are strong and capable. It’s so hard to see and understand the line that comes between love for your care/presence and what your being wants from life but you are so much more that what you believe. You’re so much as a carer alone! And you will make this world feel so lucky. I hope you understand how real everything I’ve typed here is, please love yourself and let yourself experience life in its rawest form and keep fighting forwards. There’s so much love in this world and I’m so proud of you.

Keep moving forwards and find meaning everyday because even when it’s the darkest times love never goes away. Thank you so much for reading this :-)