My boyfriend and I broke up and it is affecting me so badly

I’m going to turn 26 soon. My now ex bf was with me for almost 3 years. We broke up a few days ago with me initiating it as we were recently made long distance after moving out from our flat and getting jobs in different cities.

We did previously break up in 2021 due to some issues but we worked hard together to resolve them.

My heart is tearing apart. We are almost no contact with me immediately deleting his contacts and him doing the same. I initially thought it was for the best but now I am feeling the ache and depression. I have been crying my eyes out and my emotions are extremely volatile.

I even messaged him at 2am asking to try again if we can move in.

He sent me a message saying there were several issues regarding intimacy - I have been struggling with depression and not being as intimate with him so he said he had to fight lots of grass is greener thoughts thinking maybe it would be better with someone else. It is clear that he is looking to move on and find someone else he thinks would not have these issues.

He mentioned that the relationship was too much and stressed him out to the point where he felt relief from it being over and felt resentment. He doesn’t want to contact me anymore and told me that we will never get back together. He said the relationship was doomed to fail and such.

My heart is breaking and shattering, I still really love him and it is hard to process that he is gone from my life. I know I am at fault as I get anxious and he couldn’t handle it sometimes. I just feel so low. I feel dumped and afraid.

I currently live in my family home, rent is too expensive to move out. I am a victim of domestic abuse here since my childhood. My bf leaving is sending me into a spiral because he was my only comfort and now he is gone. I really love and miss him so much and it is hard for me to process that it is over for good. I really want him back but he does not want me back. I am falling into a pit of despair which is leaving me with dark thoughts and I feel extremely afraid.

I am not sure if I will ever find love again, I let myself go and I feel unwanted, unloved and unattractive. All of these thoughts and my aching heart yearning for him is just making me want to disappear for good. I have dealt with a lot of horrible things my entire life, mostly from my abusive parents. It is getting too unbearable and I feel so abandoned.