Help with my problem
Basically, this morning my boyfriend went on my notes and saw a paragraph I had written to my ex saying I love him which I wrote over a year ago, but when you edit a note the date changes to the current date so it must’ve said a recent date bc I must’ve accidentally edited it. He thought I had written this recently and got really angry and accused me of cheating and didn’t believe me when I said I wrote it ages ago.
Also, he gets really defensive about my past so I didn’t tell him that I went back to my ex after we broke up - I just told him we broke up last year and didn’t mention the parts where I went back a few times. He was upset and angry that I lied about my past and thinks I lie about everything now. Opening up about my ex was a little hard for me and I don’t know why I lied, I just didn’t wanna mention how embarrassing it was that I went back multiple times to someone so traumatising.
I did lie about parts of my past but he said that he doesn’t even know me and keeps saying that when you go low I go lower. And he just won’t believe me. We tried communicating and talking things through today but it’s just making him more mad. He couldn’t even look at me properly and he seemed disgusted. I sent him a paragraph explaining how it was just hard for me to open up about . I also didn’t mention my ex got me pregnant and this also angered him. GOD KNOWS what I’m even meant to do with the whole note situation which I made over a year ago, Idek how to prove to him that I wrote it ages ago. It doesn’t help that my ex tried to come back again like a couple of days ago. I really feel bad and feel like he’s gonna leave me. but in general he’s such a great boyfriend. HELPPPP
Also, he gets really defensive about my past so I didn’t tell him that I went back to my ex after we broke up - I just told him we broke up last year and didn’t mention the parts where I went back a few times. He was upset and angry that I lied about my past and thinks I lie about everything now. Opening up about my ex was a little hard for me and I don’t know why I lied, I just didn’t wanna mention how embarrassing it was that I went back multiple times to someone so traumatising.
I did lie about parts of my past but he said that he doesn’t even know me and keeps saying that when you go low I go lower. And he just won’t believe me. We tried communicating and talking things through today but it’s just making him more mad. He couldn’t even look at me properly and he seemed disgusted. I sent him a paragraph explaining how it was just hard for me to open up about . I also didn’t mention my ex got me pregnant and this also angered him. GOD KNOWS what I’m even meant to do with the whole note situation which I made over a year ago, Idek how to prove to him that I wrote it ages ago. It doesn’t help that my ex tried to come back again like a couple of days ago. I really feel bad and feel like he’s gonna leave me. but in general he’s such a great boyfriend. HELPPPP
BTW I SENT HIM THIS MESSAGE pls tell thoughts:
Hey I know you're still mad right now but I want to prove to you I'm ready to be open and take those steps to show you that I care about you. So please ask me anything you want to know or have doubts and I'll answer to the best of my ability. I really don't want this to mess things up between as I truly feel so much for you
Also, what we have now is so special and means so much to me and I’m sure it does for you too, and things from my past does not affect this at all because it is in the past before I even met you. I chose to withhold some things because I was embarrassed about it and I regretted it myself but the things I did was before our relationship began. I don’t see how this should affect us in any way.
I get that you might be upset that I didn’t tell you the full thing but it shouldn’t affect our present. I care for you, but when you say things like you don’t trust me it’s unfair because it’s all things that happened were so long ago. It’s my past not our past so you don’t need to know every detail of what happened from before I met you
From when I met you I’ve been completely faithful to you and I’m not gonna lie it’s unfair for you to judge me based on my past. Questioning my body count and stuff is rude because of one thing that i did wrong and calling me a ***** just proves why I didn’t want to tell you. I was really traumatised by the whole situation, like the pregnancy thing and I don’t like thinking or speaking about it because it was just a really hard time for me. I get that you wanna know things and I’m open to telling you certain things but there’s just some things like that, that is harder for me to be open about. I hope you understand that. From these situations you’ve gone and decided that I’m untrustworthy and lied about everything which is unfair. I’ll try and be more open but when I know that you react like this can you see how it will be hard for me to be open.
I apologise for upsetting you and not being open but I hope you understand why. I care for you and it’s only you and it’s only been you since I met you. I just wanna say that my past does not affect anything that we have got now.
Hey I know you're still mad right now but I want to prove to you I'm ready to be open and take those steps to show you that I care about you. So please ask me anything you want to know or have doubts and I'll answer to the best of my ability. I really don't want this to mess things up between as I truly feel so much for you
Also, what we have now is so special and means so much to me and I’m sure it does for you too, and things from my past does not affect this at all because it is in the past before I even met you. I chose to withhold some things because I was embarrassed about it and I regretted it myself but the things I did was before our relationship began. I don’t see how this should affect us in any way.
I get that you might be upset that I didn’t tell you the full thing but it shouldn’t affect our present. I care for you, but when you say things like you don’t trust me it’s unfair because it’s all things that happened were so long ago. It’s my past not our past so you don’t need to know every detail of what happened from before I met you
From when I met you I’ve been completely faithful to you and I’m not gonna lie it’s unfair for you to judge me based on my past. Questioning my body count and stuff is rude because of one thing that i did wrong and calling me a ***** just proves why I didn’t want to tell you. I was really traumatised by the whole situation, like the pregnancy thing and I don’t like thinking or speaking about it because it was just a really hard time for me. I get that you wanna know things and I’m open to telling you certain things but there’s just some things like that, that is harder for me to be open about. I hope you understand that. From these situations you’ve gone and decided that I’m untrustworthy and lied about everything which is unfair. I’ll try and be more open but when I know that you react like this can you see how it will be hard for me to be open.
I apologise for upsetting you and not being open but I hope you understand why. I care for you and it’s only you and it’s only been you since I met you. I just wanna say that my past does not affect anything that we have got now.
i am a boy and i wanna tell him something. bro your concerns are right. past affects present definitely but it may be an attraction or a misunderstanding about her own emotions that caused this but tell me if you found a truth, will there be any debate or confusion remain about that ? no right? look at her if any doubt remains. if my gf have done this, rather than believing on words, i would see her if she loves me. it will take a time. In interior you are knowing if she loves you and everything not talk much around each other. feel the presence and you know
Your lies were a defense mechanism towards the anger and upset emotions of your current boyfriend. And it therefore made some sense from your point of view to lie / exaggerate to him.
I think that there's too much of you qualifying yourself and justifying yourself to your current boyfriend. As a general rule, don't qualify nor justify yourself to anyone. Just own who and what you are: good points, bad points and neutral points. Because you being self confident and self accepting of who and what you are will be another plus point for you.
You should also be willing to walk away from any man. And stoical about any man walking away from you. This mentally and emotionally tough attitude will be another attractive feature about you.
There are several good routes you could take from here. With this including:
1. Carrying on as if nothing happened. If BF brings it up again, make some joke such as "That's the 5th time you've brought this up this week. I get it. It's a big deal for you. (roll your eyes) Come on, let's get the 6th, 7th, 8th times over right now too (with a smile on your face)"
2. Be totally brutally honest. Tell him that yeah you lied. And may lie to him about stuff in the future. You're not perfect. You never claimed to be. And then you come out and tell him the truth about the more important and relevant stuff. With the attitude that if he gets into a big strop over this, it's his issue and not yours, because what's done is done and you can't alter the past.
3. You could also play up the you being an enigma and your boyfriend not really knowing the real you. EG when he says he doesn't really know the real you, you respond with "No you don't. (and then change the subject to something you'd like to talk about, even if it's something crazy and off tangent)"
4 Or you could say to him "You're trying to tame me... I'm not sure if I'll ever be tamed by anyone..."
And if I were in your shoes I'd be seriously thinking about dumping him, because he's showing too much emotional weakness. If this is his usual behaviour, what's he going to be like every time in his life that something goes against him? He's just going to fly off the handle and have an emotional meltdown? That's not the sort of guy you want to share your life with.
I think that there's too much of you qualifying yourself and justifying yourself to your current boyfriend. As a general rule, don't qualify nor justify yourself to anyone. Just own who and what you are: good points, bad points and neutral points. Because you being self confident and self accepting of who and what you are will be another plus point for you.
You should also be willing to walk away from any man. And stoical about any man walking away from you. This mentally and emotionally tough attitude will be another attractive feature about you.
There are several good routes you could take from here. With this including:
1. Carrying on as if nothing happened. If BF brings it up again, make some joke such as "That's the 5th time you've brought this up this week. I get it. It's a big deal for you. (roll your eyes) Come on, let's get the 6th, 7th, 8th times over right now too (with a smile on your face)"
2. Be totally brutally honest. Tell him that yeah you lied. And may lie to him about stuff in the future. You're not perfect. You never claimed to be. And then you come out and tell him the truth about the more important and relevant stuff. With the attitude that if he gets into a big strop over this, it's his issue and not yours, because what's done is done and you can't alter the past.
3. You could also play up the you being an enigma and your boyfriend not really knowing the real you. EG when he says he doesn't really know the real you, you respond with "No you don't. (and then change the subject to something you'd like to talk about, even if it's something crazy and off tangent)"
4 Or you could say to him "You're trying to tame me... I'm not sure if I'll ever be tamed by anyone..."
And if I were in your shoes I'd be seriously thinking about dumping him, because he's showing too much emotional weakness. If this is his usual behaviour, what's he going to be like every time in his life that something goes against him? He's just going to fly off the handle and have an emotional meltdown? That's not the sort of guy you want to share your life with.
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