Treating my new boyfriend worse than how I treated my ex

So I got out of a relationship about 16 months ago and I've been dating a guy who is almost the complete opposite of my ex-boyfriend. But I find myself treating him worse than how I treated my ex. I'm 27 now.

My ex was my first relationship as was I his first as well. The honeymoon phase was amazing but I ended it because he wouldn't initiate dates ever. In that relationship, I was the one giving him surprise presents, doing the asking out and planning dates (at least the first several before I ran out of ideas and he gave suggestions). But after about maybe 6 or 7 dates, I would repeatedly run away from him during the date without him knowing and then he'd phone for me back. This happened until the 14th date and then I just broke it up with him because I wasn't getting invited out myself. I did mention that a few times and that it would definitely be a point for me to dump someone. The poor guy kept getting anxiety over me running away and mentioning that a breakup might ensue. But he did nothing to change his inactions.

Now I'm with my new guy and we've been together for almost a year. He's the one doing 100% of all the asking out every weekend, planning every date and getting every surprise gift. I really like how this relationship is progressing. But I have yet to even ask him out once, plan a single date but have bought him two souvenirs from a holiday I went on with my mum. The thing is I'm too nervous and scared to even act like how I was in my first relationship. My needs didn't get met in the end but now every single one of my needs get met. However, none of this guy's needs get met at all...

He's started complaining and saying how I'm just using him. But tbh, I'm not and I'm feeling more serious and settled with this guy than the former. However, there's still parts of me that doubts him for no reason. It's just the anxiety of what happened from before keeps preventing me from taking action. However, luckily this guy feels super serious about me too.

Now I'm seeing how it's mirrored that the previous guy I was with was willing to settle down with me and all but I wasn't. Still the annoying doubt thing. There was a reason to doubt the former but for some reason this doubt has also carried itself forward to my now relationship.

What can I do about this? Seen a therapist and all but they just advise me to be like how I am now cause it doesn't seem to cause me anxiety.

You’re not using him! If he feels that way, talk to him about it and perhaps tell him that you will plan out a date for this weekend / take it in turns! Also, you could get him something when he takes you on a date too! Tbh in my point of view material stuff shouldn’t make much difference but the time you spend together should so make sure you spend quality time with him and do stuff you’re both interested in rather than always going out and spending money.

Unless I am missing something, you don't really seem to care about his feelings too much. Have you asked yourself whether this is genuinely going somewhere or are you just comfortable being in a relationship?

A relationship should be a partnership, so I'm not surprised your boyfriend is complaining when things are so one-sided and you're not putting the effort in. You broke up with your ex for exactly that, so I don't see why you are now self-sabotaging.

How would you like it if, say, people didn't want to be friends with you or employ you because you looked vaguely like someone who previously turned out to be a bad friend/employee? You shouldn't judge everyone by your ex's behaviour. Either start pulling your weight and do your fair share of arrangements or let him go to find someone who can love and trust him.

A relationship should be a partnership, so I'm not surprised your boyfriend is complaining when things are so one-sided and you're not putting the effort in. You broke up with your ex for exactly that, so I don't see why you are now self-sabotaging.

How would you like it if, say, people didn't want to be friends with you or employ you because you looked vaguely like someone who previously turned out to be a bad friend/employee? You shouldn't judge everyone by your ex's behaviour. Either start pulling your weight and do your fair share of arrangements or let him go to find someone who can love and trust him.

Well, I normally get into relationships thinking they won't last anyway. What I'm confused about is how my ex and also this current boyfriend thinks the relationship will last. I don't really believe in true love or something lasting forever. From my experience, even from friendships, people tend to leave at some point or I leave at some point. There's not really a reason to get emotionally invested like the two guys did for me.

However, I am much more comfortable with this type of arrangement than in my previous relationship. I don't get the feeling of leaving even half as much.

How would you like it if, say, people didn't want to be friends with you or employ you because you looked vaguely like someone who previously turned out to be a bad friend

I honestly think you should break up for your BF's sake.

But he doesn’t want to break up, I’ve asked him a few times already.

You're not exiting a contract, only one of you has to run out of caring.

A very low empathy state of play.

Don’t worry, it won’t be long before he dumps you by the wayside.

Well, I do have the low empathy issue due to autism. My psychologist said so.

That would have been useful info in the first post.

Again, I would recommend breaking up with your BF rather than putting the onus on him. Note that your thread title is about how badly you are treating him.