Would you guys act this way towards your female friends?

im not a guy but i am into girls too and i don't think, knowing she's in a relationship with a close friend, that i would ever try something like that but then again he was really really drunk like you said. maybe try to keep a bit of a distance between you and you should probably tell your boyfriend.

If your "friend" is going through extreme lengths by taking his time to comfort you, then it is clear that he is trying to get with you. No guy would do this unless they are trying to be your boyfriend. You appear naive that you are enabling this type of behaviour from him, but I will say that things will escalate quickly.

Hay! Just had a read through your situation and thought I'd mention my thoughts . Of course, I'm sure there's even more to the situation (especially with trauma in the mix) but my immediate impression is that perhaps he's just being affectionate and trying to comfort you. Mostly just because you mentioned that he did something similar with the girl he sees as a younger sister. Having been in quite a few similar situations (what you said about getting close to guys as a friend and then having it just absolutely backfires on you), this seems more brotherly than romantic.

And as you mentioned, you both experienced similar trauma and this could also be his way of showing you support while also dealing with potential triggers on his side. Perhaps he couldn't quite use words and wanted to show his feelings instead. However, always remember that you know best! Follow your gut instinct. If you feel like you really treasure him as a friend and don't want to lose him because of being (rightfully so) uncertain due to past experiences, would it be possible to talk to him about it? Or even perhaps to your boyfriend?

Hope you are doing okay and that you find a way to work through this that is healthy for you!

also for more context, we have more meaningful conversations drunk rather than sober because its easy to open up about things, he is very supportive and understanding, but not always the best with words or messaging back on time, so we talk when we talk but otherwise we just don't. i know he's searching for a girlfriend and he's made out with girls during nights out with the friend group and stuff, he is thankful for being a part of the group and close with my boyfriend and me. when i overthink about my boyfriend and i, he reassures me and reminds me that it is a healthy relationship and is supportive of us. he does give me big brother protective vibes sometimes, from moments he'd show me affection by telling me he'd torture the guy who raped me before, or how he doesn't want me upset and what's to know what's wrong because i don't know the things he'd do for me. but he's also sarcastic in his humour and tells me i'm annoying and childish, and he knows i see him as a big brother and he's told me he'd never get with me when we first became friends after i told him about my previous experiences. he's given up a night with a women he really liked (even though he just met her) to take me to my favourite spot in town after a night out because i was upset, and my boyfriend wasn't there and likes bringing it up randomly. he's one of my closest friends, and he's also joining the military in another year and a half, i'm not going to be in the country next year and after the next couple months, i wouldn't see him for years on end. i don't want to ruin things, should i just pretend to be oblivious of whatever is happening and hope it doesn't escalate?

Some people say guys and girls can't ever be "just friends" in the strictly platonic sense... they believe at least one party typically has an ulterior motive (N.B. This what some people think, it's not my personal belief... to me, it depends).

I agree with some of the other posts that suggest that his behaviour is going beyond what a mate would do (even a caring one). Granted, he may not be actively trying to seduce you... but (IMHO) it sounds like he's definitely loading the decks. What I mean is he's possibly showing you what a great boyfriend he'd make if you were ever to split up from your current partner.

If it's something you're potentially open to, then by all means bide your time and play it by ear. However; if you're 100% committed to your current boyfriend and will never see him as anything more than a "big-brother" , then you may need to make that perfectly clear, in order to avoid potential complications later on.

So you say this guy is your "friend"... be honest with yourself, is he in the "Friends, maybe more" camp or the "JUST friends" one (friend-zoned lol)

yea that's what i'm worried about but he was really drunk and i don't want to ruin what we've all got because i overanalysed something he did or didn't mean to do especially as he's not always the best with words but he does act brotherly in this sense with other close long term female friends of his. I don't want my boyfriend to freak out especially since he's not here. the friend in question has also been a bit distant for the last two days after this incident so i think that is his way of not being alone with me drunk.



yea i'm just not sure what extreme lengths here would be because i feel like i'm biased in both ways - wanting to stay friends and treasure what we've got but also not wanting to look past red flags and end up in the same situation i've been in before with men wanting to sleep with me and not drawing proper boundaries or getting the wrong image. i am naive and i don't want him to be on the wrong end of it either. how would you draw the line between friendly consoling and going through extreme lengths?


yea that's what i want to believe, but i also don't want to gaslight myself into thinking its that way and it give the wrong idea. i don't want to scare him away by talking to him about it, but i also don't want my boyfriend to freak and have things become awkward in the friend group? which would you suggest? and thank you for replying.

I totally get that yeah. I mean, we want to see the best people especially when we treasure them. And I can understand why you don't want to bring it up, just in case he reacts badly to it but honestly, I feel like the only reason he'd respond badly rather than having an open conversation about it is because you've hit the nail on the head. If he truly values your friendship, this wouldn't scare him off.

I see a lot of people posting here that men and women can't be friends and although I do think it becomes more difficult when you're older, I don't wholly believe it's true. I have a guy friend who I consider to be one of my best friends of over 8 years. I made it clear early on that although I truly appreciate his friendship, that's all it would ever be. And he respected it without questions asked. He got married a few months go- so proof that he can have female friends and a healthy relationship.

But, and again, you know best. You know this friend and your boyfriend best. However, either way, there will have to be some direct communication. Either to set boundaries or to be completely transparent.

yea that makes sense. early on in our friendship i did tell him that i was tired of having male friends who would end up having ulterior motives, and he told me that i would never have to worry about that because he doesnt want to get with me, and we laughed it off. he could just be brotherly, i also do know that feelings could develop over time and while that was his initial stance, if it changed. did you notice that in your 8 year friendship? just any point where you worried if the dynamic had shifted?

but thank you and i'll bring it up next time we're drunk so it doesn't end up as harsh, and he'd be more honest

I mean, I think there were some feelings on his side when our friendship started. But I think that proves the point even more because, despite that, he respected my wanting to just be friends. I never had to tell him outright either. But, of course, I'll also add that we were never as close as you and your friend are at the start of our friendship. But he also came to realise that if he wanted to keep me in his life, he needed to accept that we would never be a couple. But as I said, this was something he did by himself- I didn't need to intervene as perhaps you might need to.

It's also very possible that perhaps your friend isn't simply 'trying to get with you.' Trauma bonding can be a very powerful thing as I'm sure you've already realised. It may also be difficult for him to separate his feelings as, just like for you, he's now met someone who understands what he's going through and feeling. Those feelings may be difficult and perhaps the only way for him to translate them is to see them as romantic feelings? I'm just spitballing of course but it could be worth considering.