The Student Room Group

I finally want to be something so that I can stop accepting miserable standards.

I have no idea what forum this would even go in. I apologise about that.
I am 20 years old, so don't worry, I'm aware I have time, but I hate that phrase now, it sounds like an excuse to stay lazy and that's all I've been for 3 months. Formatting is probably going to be messy because I'm not an organised writer. The reason might appear obvious eventually or it might not.
I feel quite useless to be honest, it's pretty obvious to me that I have wasted 7 years of my life not caring about my education, or frankly, my actual life, I'm still not making any sort of attempt at communicating with people or creating connections, and I have been lettings my standards constantly drop to be far, WAY far below the bare minimum needed to live life contently. I spent my previous 4 years doing... I don't want to sound egotistical when I say this because it's my own fault that it happened and I didn't care about the choices I was making, even last year I didn't, but I can only describe them as BTEC courses that I now look at and see myself as an idiot for taking them. I did find the subjects easy, but it wasn't my lack of passion, it was the fact that I constantly felt like I was wasting time, I dropped out of the recent BTEC because I just didn't care about completing it and had a bunch of excuses for doing so that weren't true. It was this moment that has got me thinking the last week as to my attitude to life, I'm never going to learn how to cope with my own hardships if I don't even allow myself to go across the easiest lines, let alone challenging tightropes. Commitment to projects was always my biggest weakness because I'm easily bored, (I have ADHD as well, it could be a minor factor) but I need to learn to deal with that boredom for long-term goals. I need to actually start setting goals as well, I've never set any serious, or even menial goals for myself, almost ever.
I think I could potentially, at the very worst, (even if it's not true, I do not want this to become a reality in my life) be stuck fulfilling a lifetime of jobs I'll be miserable in, or jobs where I wouldn't feel stable in. I want to ensure I have at least some form of academical achievement, especially a large one at that in the long-term, as it would show that my past was some bizarre Hollywood short based off an irregular, dystopian patch of carelessness.
My problems started in year 9;
Firstly, probably the only good decision I took over the last 7 years; deciding to come off my ADHD tablets at the start of year 9, I had ticks that made me look and sound insane, it was extremely distracting for not only me, but the entire classroom, and sometimes the teachers, it was a full year of nonstop ticks, it was actually affecting my attitude towards learning ages before coming off of my meds (years later I found out the tablets were way too high in dosage. I was such a small student as well, what was I taking 30mg of Elvanse for?), the problem is that I never went back to be reassessed for lighter medication, which I regret a lot because I'm now taking 36mg of Concerta and this medication is my biggest motivator to change my habits.
Secondly, and most disastrously, my sleeping problem, this problem had been developing since year 7, and it was getting worse and worse. I was almost always sleeping in my classes, and was actually falling in deep sleep most of the time. I could never get my sleep schedule in check because I was too busy playing video games or watching Youtube well into the night. It was such an atrocious problem they stopped having me in classrooms (apart from English and Maths), then they stopped having me in school apart from when I had English and Maths lessons due to my poor attitude to change. My sleep problems are still near enough the same but it could be due to a lack of physical activity.
Thirdly, I never studied, I know this will be a problem but I'm actually aware of most study techniques and how to use them effectively, I think it will click very fast with me, I want to learn them before I potentially, somehow, find my way somehow getting into a university.
Lastly, if you want an example of dystopian GCSEs, I don't think it gets much worse than this;
I left Year 11 with a myriad of pathetic. That sentence makes no sense, but that's intentional, it's meant to be as pathetic as me in the past;
I got a bunch of 1s for a start, maybe one or two at 2-, I wouldn't be surprised if I had a U in a subject.
I also got a 3 in maths, although to this day, I still have question marks over what happened with my third paper as I still don't know if I did actually take it or not because it read as 0, but whatever. I'm so insulted with myself that I couldn't even care that I was taking foundation instead of higher paper in a subject I used to fly high in, I didn't even care about doing well enough in the classrooms, it didn't even cross my mind to ask if I could take higher paper Maths, it was my only chance at a pass, especially a grade above a 5.
I got my 4 (I'm still so depressed at this grade) in Maths the next year, and my 5 in English the next, so I have something, not even close to enough for me.
My GCSEs are a result of my attitude, my sleeping problems, my focus on the most unimportant things that would never help me improve, and my high levels of apathy and carelessness. In spite of all of this, even when I knew how bad my results were going to be, I didn't care or feel sad about my GCSE results, it was more of a 'huh, whatever, I'm fine lol, back to video games before I go to college to do something I don't even know why I'm doing'. I think that is a perfect description of my attitude at the time.
So here I am now, wanting to know how I would take actual steps to getting to University, because I'm tired of being such an ignorant, stubborn loser. I don't really want to take an OU course because I need to be more interactive in person, even if that's not my style. I'm not sure I want to take BTEC again but I want to know how I'm supposed to develop to be an attainable student who is ready for University. I don't know how I'll appear presentable enough even if I do the correct things before then, the few subjects I would like to study, I don't know what my chances are even if I, I repeat, do the right things to get there in the first place.
I have reclaimed my strong childhood interest in Maths, I have not felt this keenly on it since early year 8, and for some reason my brain has also decided to be somewhat interested in the broad world of Programming, and found some interests in either Software Engineering or the even broader world of I.T., it makes sense, I've been on technology probably before I even had my first birthday. It's just, when I lost my passion in History, along with everything else in high school, so did my interest in Computer Science.
The world of general engineering actually looks like fun to me, but I know my chances are so low now, especially with some of the worst GCSE results you could get in all sciences.
I would love to know how to go about things, because I'm worried having a past this terrifyingly lazy will keep doors irrepressibly shut. I know I'm not in a grave, but if my branches have already snapped off, I don't know if I can replant the damage I may have already done to myself but I am so ready and eager to move already and get it done if possible.
I want to show I care again and I want to show how ready I am to be, and continue to get, better, because I know myself that I'm better than this, FAR better than I've shown, all I've done so far is let myself down continuously, without caring about letting myself down. I want to show actual passion in what I am doing as well.
How do I even TL;DR something like this lol
(edited 7 months ago)
I think I've posted in the wrong forum... it never changes does it...
Original post by URLunidentified
I have no idea what forum this would even go in. I apologise about that.
I am 20 years old, so don't worry, I'm aware I have time, but I hate that phrase now, it sounds like an excuse to stay lazy and that's all I've been for 3 months. Formatting is probably going to be messy because I'm not an organised writer. The reason might appear obvious eventually or it might not.
I feel quite useless to be honest, it's pretty obvious to me that I have wasted 7 years of my life not caring about my education, or frankly, my actual life, I'm still not making any sort of attempt at communicating with people or creating connections, and I have been lettings my standards constantly drop to be far, WAY far below the bare minimum needed to live life contently. I spent my previous 4 years doing... I don't want to sound egotistical when I say this because it's my own fault that it happened and I didn't care about the choices I was making, even last year I didn't, but I can only describe them as BTEC courses that I now look at and see myself as an idiot for taking them. I did find the subjects easy, but it wasn't my lack of passion, it was the fact that I constantly felt like I was wasting time, I dropped out of the recent BTEC because I just didn't care about completing it and had a bunch of excuses for doing so that weren't true. It was this moment that has got me thinking the last week as to my attitude to life, I'm never going to learn how to cope with my own hardships if I don't even allow myself to go across the easiest lines, let alone challenging tightropes. Commitment to projects was always my biggest weakness because I'm easily bored, (I have ADHD as well, it could be a minor factor) but I need to learn to deal with that boredom for long-term goals. I need to actually start setting goals as well, I've never set any serious, or even menial goals for myself, almost ever.
I think I could potentially, at the very worst, (even if it's not true, I do not want this to become a reality in my life) be stuck fulfilling a lifetime of jobs I'll be miserable in, or jobs where I wouldn't feel stable in. I want to ensure I have at least some form of academical achievement, especially a large one at that in the long-term, as it would show that my past was some bizarre Hollywood short based off an irregular, dystopian patch of carelessness.
My problems started in year 9;
Firstly, probably the only good decision I took over the last 7 years; deciding to come off my ADHD tablets at the start of year 9, I had ticks that made me look and sound insane, it was extremely distracting for not only me, but the entire classroom, and sometimes the teachers, it was a full year of nonstop ticks, it was actually affecting my attitude towards learning ages before coming off of my meds (years later I found out the tablets were way too high in dosage. I was such a small student as well, what was I taking 30mg of Elvanse for?), the problem is that I never went back to be reassessed for lighter medication, which I regret a lot because I'm now taking 36mg of Concerta and this medication is my biggest motivator to change my habits.
Secondly, and most disastrously, my sleeping problem, this problem had been developing since year 7, and it was getting worse and worse. I was almost always sleeping in my classes, and was actually falling in deep sleep most of the time. I could never get my sleep schedule in check because I was too busy playing video games or watching Youtube well into the night. It was such an atrocious problem they stopped having me in classrooms (apart from English and Maths), then they stopped having me in school apart from when I had English and Maths lessons due to my poor attitude to change. My sleep problems are still near enough the same but it could be due to a lack of physical activity.
Thirdly, I never studied, I know this will be a problem but I'm actually aware of most study techniques and how to use them effectively, I think it will click very fast with me, I want to learn them before I potentially, somehow, find my way somehow getting into a university.
Lastly, if you want an example of dystopian GCSEs, I don't think it gets much worse than this;
I left Year 11 with a myriad of pathetic. That sentence makes no sense, but that's intentional, it's meant to be as pathetic as me in the past;
I got a bunch of 1s for a start, maybe one or two at 2-, I wouldn't be surprised if I had a U in a subject.
I also got a 3 in maths, although to this day, I still have question marks over what happened with my third paper as I still don't know if I did actually take it or not because it read as 0, but whatever. I'm so insulted with myself that I couldn't even care that I was taking foundation instead of higher paper in a subject I used to fly high in, I didn't even care about doing well enough in the classrooms, it didn't even cross my mind to ask if I could take higher paper Maths, it was my only chance at a pass, especially a grade above a 5.
I got my 4 (I'm still so depressed at this grade) in Maths the next year, and my 5 in English the next, so I have something, not even close to enough for me.
My GCSEs are a result of my attitude, my sleeping problems, my focus on the most unimportant things that would never help me improve, and my high levels of apathy and carelessness. In spite of all of this, even when I knew how bad my results were going to be, I didn't care or feel sad about my GCSE results, it was more of a 'huh, whatever, I'm fine lol, back to video games before I go to college to do something I don't even know why I'm doing'. I think that is a perfect description of my attitude at the time.
So here I am now, wanting to know how I would take actual steps to getting to University, because I'm tired of being such an ignorant, stubborn loser. I don't really want to take an OU course because I need to be more interactive in person, even if that's not my style. I'm not sure I want to take BTEC again but I want to know how I'm supposed to develop to be an attainable student who is ready for University. I don't know how I'll appear presentable enough even if I do the correct things before then, the few subjects I would like to study, I don't know what my chances are even if I, I repeat, do the right things to get there in the first place.
I have reclaimed my strong childhood interest in Maths, I have not felt this keenly on it since early year 8, and for some reason my brain has also decided to be somewhat interested in the broad world of Programming, and found some interests in either Software Engineering or the even broader world of I.T., it makes sense, I've been on technology probably before I even had my first birthday. It's just, when I lost my passion in History, along with everything else in high school, so did my interest in Computer Science.
The world of general engineering actually looks like fun to me, but I know my chances are so low now, especially with some of the worst GCSE results you could get in all sciences.
I would love to know how to go about things, because I'm worried having a past this terrifyingly lazy will keep doors irrepressibly shut. I know I'm not in a grave, but if my branches have already snapped off, I don't know if I can replant the damage I may have already done to myself but I am so ready and eager to move already and get it done if possible.
I want to show I care again and I want to show how ready I am to be, and continue to get, better, because I know myself that I'm better than this, FAR better than I've shown, all I've done so far is let myself down continuously, without caring about letting myself down. I want to show actual passion in what I am doing as well.
How do I even TL;DR something like this lol


Hey, I am new here so please don't judge.
You can't go back in time to solve everything, but what you can do is focus on the present and appreciate every moment. If you truly want something in life, you have to work hard and get it. I haven't done my GCSEs yet, but I am honestly terrified. You don't have to read my advice if you don't want to, because I am not as experienced in this as others.
You have to do anything that it's in your power to change your point of perspective. Stop thinking that you are a failure in life, and stop wasting time wondering what you could have done better. Try and be more positive. You said you have time, right? Then use it to make some changes in your life.
What I learned so far from life is that when you do huge mistakes, it feels like the end of your life. But mistakes help you understand what you've done wrong. People say that you learn from mistakes, and you did that. Next thing is to accept your situation. Tell yourself: 'Okkk, I was an idiot, but I am not anymore because now I understand what I did wrong. I will start from the beginning.'
When you've accepted your situation, think about your choices. If you have none, think outside of the box.
That is all I have to say. Honestly it might not be very useful, but in the end, you decide your future and you make your choices. You don't have to depend on others. Try and be independent and think positive.
Good luck and don't forget that you are not alone!
Reply 3
You are punishing yourself because of poor performance and dedication to BTEC subjects, but one some level you are aware that college is really just a nursery for adults. The quality of teaching and students lack of focus gives the impression on is studying for the sake of it and the system will stop you from achieving your goal.

Why would anyone punish themselves for investing in a 2nd rate education that is (let's be honest) just a gap year for most people?

I recommend you study art and design, but insist on going in the adults' class. At the end of that your grades will translate into 5 Cs at GCSE level (or whatever grading system the Americanised modern school system uses). After that, study a BA in psychology: possibly the easiest BA to acquire.

I will give my most important piece of advice: have you considered going abroad, doing charity work or teaching in another country? As you obviously have a good command of the English language, you already possess a valuable comodity.
Original post by Boogiep0p
You are punishing yourself because of poor performance and dedication to BTEC subjects, but one some level you are aware that college is really just a nursery for adults. The quality of teaching and students lack of focus gives the impression on is studying for the sake of it and the system will stop you from achieving your goal.

Why would anyone punish themselves for investing in a 2nd rate education that is (let's be honest) just a gap year for most people?

I recommend you study art and design, but insist on going in the adults' class. At the end of that your grades will translate into 5 Cs at GCSE level (or whatever grading system the Americanised modern school system uses). After that, study a BA in psychology: possibly the easiest BA to acquire.

I will give my most important piece of advice: have you considered going abroad, doing charity work or teaching in another country? As you obviously have a good command of the English language, you already possess a valuable comodity.


Firstly, I appreciate you trying to offer some advice here, I think you understand why I think I might be permanently stuck to some extent as well.
I have no interest in art and design, I would be immediately bored of it, very recently I was observing someone doing some woodworking, as curious as I was of that passion, I was easily bored of sometimes helping. I'm not even close to an artist and I can't design anything to save my life no matter the effort I put in. There might be other creative endeavours I would enjoy instead but would never persue as a career choice or as a pathway to further education.
I understand why charity would might be beneficial, but I want to put all my focus back into proper education in the future, I want to worry about this sort of work when I'm finally back on that path.
I am the least interested in teaching abroad, I can't explain why, but teaching as a job is just not interesting to me. I'm not nearly active or knowledgeable enough anyway.
Reply 5
Original post by URLunidentified
I have no idea what forum this would even go in. I apologise about that.
I am 20 years old, so don't worry, I'm aware I have time, but I hate that phrase now, it sounds like an excuse to stay lazy and that's all I've been for 3 months. Formatting is probably going to be messy because I'm not an organised writer. The reason might appear obvious eventually or it might not.
I feel quite useless to be honest, it's pretty obvious to me that I have wasted 7 years of my life not caring about my education, or frankly, my actual life, I'm still not making any sort of attempt at communicating with people or creating connections, and I have been lettings my standards constantly drop to be far, WAY far below the bare minimum needed to live life contently. I spent my previous 4 years doing... I don't want to sound egotistical when I say this because it's my own fault that it happened and I didn't care about the choices I was making, even last year I didn't, but I can only describe them as BTEC courses that I now look at and see myself as an idiot for taking them. I did find the subjects easy, but it wasn't my lack of passion, it was the fact that I constantly felt like I was wasting time, I dropped out of the recent BTEC because I just didn't care about completing it and had a bunch of excuses for doing so that weren't true. It was this moment that has got me thinking the last week as to my attitude to life, I'm never going to learn how to cope with my own hardships if I don't even allow myself to go across the easiest lines, let alone challenging tightropes. Commitment to projects was always my biggest weakness because I'm easily bored, (I have ADHD as well, it could be a minor factor) but I need to learn to deal with that boredom for long-term goals. I need to actually start setting goals as well, I've never set any serious, or even menial goals for myself, almost ever.
I think I could potentially, at the very worst, (even if it's not true, I do not want this to become a reality in my life) be stuck fulfilling a lifetime of jobs I'll be miserable in, or jobs where I wouldn't feel stable in. I want to ensure I have at least some form of academical achievement, especially a large one at that in the long-term, as it would show that my past was some bizarre Hollywood short based off an irregular, dystopian patch of carelessness.
My problems started in year 9;
Firstly, probably the only good decision I took over the last 7 years; deciding to come off my ADHD tablets at the start of year 9, I had ticks that made me look and sound insane, it was extremely distracting for not only me, but the entire classroom, and sometimes the teachers, it was a full year of nonstop ticks, it was actually affecting my attitude towards learning ages before coming off of my meds (years later I found out the tablets were way too high in dosage. I was such a small student as well, what was I taking 30mg of Elvanse for?), the problem is that I never went back to be reassessed for lighter medication, which I regret a lot because I'm now taking 36mg of Concerta and this medication is my biggest motivator to change my habits.
Secondly, and most disastrously, my sleeping problem, this problem had been developing since year 7, and it was getting worse and worse. I was almost always sleeping in my classes, and was actually falling in deep sleep most of the time. I could never get my sleep schedule in check because I was too busy playing video games or watching Youtube well into the night. It was such an atrocious problem they stopped having me in classrooms (apart from English and Maths), then they stopped having me in school apart from when I had English and Maths lessons due to my poor attitude to change. My sleep problems are still near enough the same but it could be due to a lack of physical activity.
Thirdly, I never studied, I know this will be a problem but I'm actually aware of most study techniques and how to use them effectively, I think it will click very fast with me, I want to learn them before I potentially, somehow, find my way somehow getting into a university.
Lastly, if you want an example of dystopian GCSEs, I don't think it gets much worse than this;
I left Year 11 with a myriad of pathetic. That sentence makes no sense, but that's intentional, it's meant to be as pathetic as me in the past;
I got a bunch of 1s for a start, maybe one or two at 2-, I wouldn't be surprised if I had a U in a subject.
I also got a 3 in maths, although to this day, I still have question marks over what happened with my third paper as I still don't know if I did actually take it or not because it read as 0, but whatever. I'm so insulted with myself that I couldn't even care that I was taking foundation instead of higher paper in a subject I used to fly high in, I didn't even care about doing well enough in the classrooms, it didn't even cross my mind to ask if I could take higher paper Maths, it was my only chance at a pass, especially a grade above a 5.
I got my 4 (I'm still so depressed at this grade) in Maths the next year, and my 5 in English the next, so I have something, not even close to enough for me.
My GCSEs are a result of my attitude, my sleeping problems, my focus on the most unimportant things that would never help me improve, and my high levels of apathy and carelessness. In spite of all of this, even when I knew how bad my results were going to be, I didn't care or feel sad about my GCSE results, it was more of a 'huh, whatever, I'm fine lol, back to video games before I go to college to do something I don't even know why I'm doing'. I think that is a perfect description of my attitude at the time.
So here I am now, wanting to know how I would take actual steps to getting to University, because I'm tired of being such an ignorant, stubborn loser. I don't really want to take an OU course because I need to be more interactive in person, even if that's not my style. I'm not sure I want to take BTEC again but I want to know how I'm supposed to develop to be an attainable student who is ready for University. I don't know how I'll appear presentable enough even if I do the correct things before then, the few subjects I would like to study, I don't know what my chances are even if I, I repeat, do the right things to get there in the first place.
I have reclaimed my strong childhood interest in Maths, I have not felt this keenly on it since early year 8, and for some reason my brain has also decided to be somewhat interested in the broad world of Programming, and found some interests in either Software Engineering or the even broader world of I.T., it makes sense, I've been on technology probably before I even had my first birthday. It's just, when I lost my passion in History, along with everything else in high school, so did my interest in Computer Science.
The world of general engineering actually looks like fun to me, but I know my chances are so low now, especially with some of the worst GCSE results you could get in all sciences.
I would love to know how to go about things, because I'm worried having a past this terrifyingly lazy will keep doors irrepressibly shut. I know I'm not in a grave, but if my branches have already snapped off, I don't know if I can replant the damage I may have already done to myself but I am so ready and eager to move already and get it done if possible.
I want to show I care again and I want to show how ready I am to be, and continue to get, better, because I know myself that I'm better than this, FAR better than I've shown, all I've done so far is let myself down continuously, without caring about letting myself down. I want to show actual passion in what I am doing as well.
How do I even TL;DR something like this lol


r u a leo? , Pray Go to God x
Original post by URLunidentified
Firstly, I appreciate you trying to offer some advice here, I think you understand why I think I might be permanently stuck to some extent as well.
I have no interest in art and design, I would be immediately bored of it, very recently I was observing someone doing some woodworking, as curious as I was of that passion, I was easily bored of sometimes helping. I'm not even close to an artist and I can't design anything to save my life no matter the effort I put in. There might be other creative endeavours I would enjoy instead but would never persue as a career choice or as a pathway to further education.
I understand why charity would might be beneficial, but I want to put all my focus back into proper education in the future, I want to worry about this sort of work when I'm finally back on that path.
I am the least interested in teaching abroad, I can't explain why, but teaching as a job is just not interesting to me. I'm not nearly active or knowledgeable enough anyway.

Have you ever tried writing ?
Reply 7
I'm wondering if the mods could re-post this to a different part of the site? Its one of the most interesting posts and got little in terms of responses.

OP - are you still there?
Original post by ajj2000
I'm wondering if the mods could re-post this to a different part of the site? Its one of the most interesting posts and got little in terms of responses.

OP - are you still there?

I am, I've at least narrowed down what I want to do but have yet to do anything actively, which is my own fault tbh.
Reply 9
Original post by URLunidentified
I am, I've at least narrowed down what I want to do but have yet to do anything actively, which is my own fault tbh.

You;ve got me fascinated! What direction are you looking?
Original post by ajj2000
You;ve got me fascinated! What direction are you looking?

It depends if my ADHD will eat my brain alive midway through my interests like it always does, but either I'll start learning how to code soon or learn an analytical field, I have not done any research on the latter at all.
I'm probably going to kill your fascination here, but I'm terrible at life, I have only left my bedroom less than 30 or 40 times this year since dropping out of that course, most of my worries are my own fault.
I'm not even sure what I want to do if I go back into education. I only know what career path I'd be more interested in.
I'm pretty much in the same place I was when I posted this, same mood, too, quite happy atm.
Original post by URLunidentified
I have no idea what forum this would even go in. I apologise about that.
I am 20 years old, so don't worry, I'm aware I have time, but I hate that phrase now, it sounds like an excuse to stay lazy and that's all I've been for 3 months. Formatting is probably going to be messy because I'm not an organised writer. The reason might appear obvious eventually or it might not.
I feel quite useless to be honest, it's pretty obvious to me that I have wasted 7 years of my life not caring about my education, or frankly, my actual life, I'm still not making any sort of attempt at communicating with people or creating connections, and I have been lettings my standards constantly drop to be far, WAY far below the bare minimum needed to live life contently. I spent my previous 4 years doing... I don't want to sound egotistical when I say this because it's my own fault that it happened and I didn't care about the choices I was making, even last year I didn't, but I can only describe them as BTEC courses that I now look at and see myself as an idiot for taking them. I did find the subjects easy, but it wasn't my lack of passion, it was the fact that I constantly felt like I was wasting time, I dropped out of the recent BTEC because I just didn't care about completing it and had a bunch of excuses for doing so that weren't true. It was this moment that has got me thinking the last week as to my attitude to life, I'm never going to learn how to cope with my own hardships if I don't even allow myself to go across the easiest lines, let alone challenging tightropes. Commitment to projects was always my biggest weakness because I'm easily bored, (I have ADHD as well, it could be a minor factor) but I need to learn to deal with that boredom for long-term goals. I need to actually start setting goals as well, I've never set any serious, or even menial goals for myself, almost ever.
I think I could potentially, at the very worst, (even if it's not true, I do not want this to become a reality in my life) be stuck fulfilling a lifetime of jobs I'll be miserable in, or jobs where I wouldn't feel stable in. I want to ensure I have at least some form of academical achievement, especially a large one at that in the long-term, as it would show that my past was some bizarre Hollywood short based off an irregular, dystopian patch of carelessness.
My problems started in year 9;
Firstly, probably the only good decision I took over the last 7 years; deciding to come off my ADHD tablets at the start of year 9, I had ticks that made me look and sound insane, it was extremely distracting for not only me, but the entire classroom, and sometimes the teachers, it was a full year of nonstop ticks, it was actually affecting my attitude towards learning ages before coming off of my meds (years later I found out the tablets were way too high in dosage. I was such a small student as well, what was I taking 30mg of Elvanse for?), the problem is that I never went back to be reassessed for lighter medication, which I regret a lot because I'm now taking 36mg of Concerta and this medication is my biggest motivator to change my habits.
Secondly, and most disastrously, my sleeping problem, this problem had been developing since year 7, and it was getting worse and worse. I was almost always sleeping in my classes, and was actually falling in deep sleep most of the time. I could never get my sleep schedule in check because I was too busy playing video games or watching Youtube well into the night. It was such an atrocious problem they stopped having me in classrooms (apart from English and Maths), then they stopped having me in school apart from when I had English and Maths lessons due to my poor attitude to change. My sleep problems are still near enough the same but it could be due to a lack of physical activity.
Thirdly, I never studied, I know this will be a problem but I'm actually aware of most study techniques and how to use them effectively, I think it will click very fast with me, I want to learn them before I potentially, somehow, find my way somehow getting into a university.
Lastly, if you want an example of dystopian GCSEs, I don't think it gets much worse than this;
I left Year 11 with a myriad of pathetic. That sentence makes no sense, but that's intentional, it's meant to be as pathetic as me in the past;
I got a bunch of 1s for a start, maybe one or two at 2-, I wouldn't be surprised if I had a U in a subject.
I also got a 3 in maths, although to this day, I still have question marks over what happened with my third paper as I still don't know if I did actually take it or not because it read as 0, but whatever. I'm so insulted with myself that I couldn't even care that I was taking foundation instead of higher paper in a subject I used to fly high in, I didn't even care about doing well enough in the classrooms, it didn't even cross my mind to ask if I could take higher paper Maths, it was my only chance at a pass, especially a grade above a 5.
I got my 4 (I'm still so depressed at this grade) in Maths the next year, and my 5 in English the next, so I have something, not even close to enough for me.
My GCSEs are a result of my attitude, my sleeping problems, my focus on the most unimportant things that would never help me improve, and my high levels of apathy and carelessness. In spite of all of this, even when I knew how bad my results were going to be, I didn't care or feel sad about my GCSE results, it was more of a 'huh, whatever, I'm fine lol, back to video games before I go to college to do something I don't even know why I'm doing'. I think that is a perfect description of my attitude at the time.
So here I am now, wanting to know how I would take actual steps to getting to University, because I'm tired of being such an ignorant, stubborn loser. I don't really want to take an OU course because I need to be more interactive in person, even if that's not my style. I'm not sure I want to take BTEC again but I want to know how I'm supposed to develop to be an attainable student who is ready for University. I don't know how I'll appear presentable enough even if I do the correct things before then, the few subjects I would like to study, I don't know what my chances are even if I, I repeat, do the right things to get there in the first place.
I have reclaimed my strong childhood interest in Maths, I have not felt this keenly on it since early year 8, and for some reason my brain has also decided to be somewhat interested in the broad world of Programming, and found some interests in either Software Engineering or the even broader world of I.T., it makes sense, I've been on technology probably before I even had my first birthday. It's just, when I lost my passion in History, along with everything else in high school, so did my interest in Computer Science.
The world of general engineering actually looks like fun to me, but I know my chances are so low now, especially with some of the worst GCSE results you could get in all sciences.
I would love to know how to go about things, because I'm worried having a past this terrifyingly lazy will keep doors irrepressibly shut. I know I'm not in a grave, but if my branches have already snapped off, I don't know if I can replant the damage I may have already done to myself but I am so ready and eager to move already and get it done if possible.
I want to show I care again and I want to show how ready I am to be, and continue to get, better, because I know myself that I'm better than this, FAR better than I've shown, all I've done so far is let myself down continuously, without caring about letting myself down. I want to show actual passion in what I am doing as well.
How do I even TL;DR something like this lol
Hi! I'm about to hit you with a lot of quotes that really helped me, so saddle in...

1.

'A man lives two lives. The second, real one starts when he remembers he only has one' By this I mean you've already done the hard bit by having the realisation you've had. Congratulations, this is a new start!

2.

'Anything worth doing is worth doing badly', meaning, if you can't clean your whole room, make your bed. If you can't be bothered to study for a hour, study for ten minutes. Small consistent efforts are better than big and rare efforts, which are harder to keep the momentum of.

3.

ADHD is motivated by interest, competition, or time pressure. Meaning, you would write an essay, but only if you were super interested in the topic, or if your friend said they were writing a better one at the same time as you, or if there was a countdown and hard deadline. This is fine, in fact, this is brilliant, because you can use it to your advantage! When studying, set a timer for 30 minutes and see how much you can get done before the timer is up! Don't see your adhd as a minor factor, do some research on it and what applies to you and then use that!

Don't beat yourself up too much, it sounds like you've had a really hard time, and I'm already proud that you're wanting to make the steps to change your life to be more how you want it.

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