Flatmate issue

If they said they were tidy and now aren’t being tidy have you checked in on their mental health? Struggling with tidiness and cleanliness and self care is one of the most obvious signs that someone isn’t coping well. Them unfriending you when you drew attention to it might not be the over reaction you think it is. Instead of escalating things stop acting like you’re the main character in your flat and show some empathy and compassion towards your flatmate to try to resolve things.

You don’t have to be best friends but if they’re avoiding you on social media that’s usually because they are defending themselves not because they’re trying to make you feel bad.

If they said they were tidy and now aren’t being tidy have you checked in on their mental health? Struggling with tidiness and cleanliness and self care is one of the most obvious signs that someone isn’t coping well. Them unfriending you when you drew attention to it might not be the over reaction you think it is. Instead of escalating things stop acting like you’re the main character in your flat and show some empathy and compassion towards your flatmate to try to resolve things.

You don’t have to be best friends but if they’re avoiding you on social media that’s usually because they are defending themselves not because they’re trying to make

Hi just wanted some advice. Moved in with 3 other flatmates this year. 1 was a friend before but now there's just so much tension between us since moving in as they said they were really tidy and clean and that's not been the case so I've occasionally asked them to keep the noise down and tidy up some of their mess and stuff and said that if I do anything to just let me know too and sent a nice friendly message essentially. And now they've unfriended me on Snapchat and Facebook. So now I just feel awkward around them and we have the same routine so get up the same times and everyday I try to avoid them but it's making me really anxious and drained. I know I should probably talk to them but I just feel like I don't like them right now as I thought they were kinder than this. I also apologised if I was being annoying before they unfriended me so? wasn't sure what else I could do.

Hi just wanted some advice. Moved in with 3 other flatmates this year. 1 was a friend before but now there's just so much tension between us since moving in as they said they were really tidy and clean and that's not been the case so I've occasionally asked them to keep the noise down and tidy up some of their mess and stuff and said that if I do anything to just let me know too and sent a nice friendly message essentially. And now they've unfriended me on Snapchat and Facebook. So now I just feel awkward around them and we have the same routine so get up the same times and everyday I try to avoid them but it's making me really anxious and drained. I know I should probably talk to them but I just feel like I don't like them right now as I thought they were kinder than this. I also apologised if I was being annoying before they unfriended me so? wasn't sure what else I could do.

Hi @anonymous #1

Im sorry you’re having a hard time with your flat mates at the moment! It can be really draining when people you’re living with aren’t pulling their weight. I feel they are feeling abit insecure about their living conditions considering they felt the need to unfriend you after asking them nicely about tidying up! Everyone at university has done this at least once so I think they’ll regret that when they can’t get in touch with you if they need to ask anything about the house.

I think the first thing you can do is try and catch them in the house and spark up a conversation and openly ask what it is you’ve done wrong/ done to upset them? I think when someone is trying to be abit more mature about living conditions it can come across quite intimidating for others who maybe aren’t quite there yet. If they are reluctant to talk to you about it, I think that would be good clarification for you to know where to set your boundaries and potentially stop trying to make that effort. You deserve to be happy and, look after yourself more importantly!

They can make friends with each other have this same issue in years to come and, you can always make arrangements to move in with other friends/people in the future. This way you can take your time to find like-minded people who you would enjoy living with rather than forcing something with your current flat mates.

Hope you find this reassuring
Ellie

Unfriending is a pretty mean, a bit of psychological bullying really. However since the tension making you unhappy I think it’s worth a try at clearing the air. Maybe speak to your friend first to decide on the approach. Bear in mind that shared living often has its tensions and it’s not necessarily possible to resolve them fully

Anon,

People generally say that living with friends either makes or breaks a friendship, so bear this in mind.

You should all feel comfortable sharing about things you are not happy with, without people unfriending people as soon as they voice their opinion! Maybe they just need some time. Maybe they overreacted in the heat of the moment.

I think the most important thing is that you don't let it affect your mental health. You could hang out with the other housemates or you could spend more time out of the house if you are feeling uncomfortable, but that being said, it's your place too!

If they have a problem with you, then you shouldn't worry about avoiding them. It's their problem – they can worry about avoiding you! Hopefully they'll realise they've overreacted, but remember it's not always easy for people to apologise, so keep being friendly and kind and keep trying to create a positive space.

If they don't want to be friends, then don't worry about it! Spend time with people who are not going to be so easily offended and who will appreciate your friendship : )

All the best,

Oluwatosin – 3rd year student – University of Huddersfield

Hi just wanted some advice. Moved in with 3 other flatmates this year. 1 was a friend before but now there's just so much tension between us since moving in as they said they were really tidy and clean and that's not been the case so I've occasionally asked them to keep the noise down and tidy up some of their mess and stuff and said that if I do anything to just let me know too and sent a nice friendly message essentially. And now they've unfriended me on Snapchat and Facebook. So now I just feel awkward around them and we have the same routine so get up the same times and everyday I try to avoid them but it's making me really anxious and drained. I know I should probably talk to them but I just feel like I don't like them right now as I thought they were kinder than this. I also apologised if I was being annoying before they unfriended me so? wasn't sure what else I could do.

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear about the tension and awkwardness you're experiencing with your flatmate. Moving in with friends can sometimes reveal unexpected differences in living habits, and it can be challenging to navigate those situations.

It's great that you've already tried to address the issues by sending a friendly message and expressing your concerns. Communication is key in resolving conflicts, so it might be worth considering having an open and honest conversation with your flatmate about how you're feeling. Choose a calm and relaxed moment to approach them, and express your concerns and feelings in a non-confrontational way. Let them know that you value your friendship and want to find a way to live harmoniously together.

In the meantime, try not to avoid them completely, as it can escalate the tension and make you feel more anxious. Instead, focus on maintaining a respectful and polite attitude. You don't have to be best friends, but being cordial and considerate can help create a more pleasant living environment for everyone involved.

If you find it difficult to have a one-on-one conversation, you could also consider involving a neutral third party, such as another flatmate or a resident advisor, who can mediate the discussion and help find a resolution.

Remember, living with others requires compromise and understanding. It's natural to have disagreements, but finding common ground and respecting each other's boundaries can lead to a more peaceful living situation.

I hope things improve for you soon, and that you're able to find a resolution that works for everyone.

Take care,

Ilya