Dad things - what (not?) to do when dropping my young adult at Uni?
Two years ago I started taking my eldest to Uni Open Days, we went to quite a few before she settled on the Unis and Subjects that worked for her.
Apparently, as a dad, I did nearly all the annoying things that dads do at Open Days (apparently there are lists)
Now it is time to take her to her chosen Uni for the first time and help her settle in. I am aware there are probably things that annoying dads do here as well . . . be good to get a heads up to try and avoid some of them
FWIW I have already:
Packed some tools and lubricants to fix the things in the student accomm that need fixing.
Booked a cottage nearby for a few days before drop off day, so we can explore the area and get a sense of the place. (But I will be working remotely during the day)
Called relatives in the local area to let them know what is happening when, in case we need their help with some issue we cant help with by phone
Shown granny how to video call whenever she wants
Apparently, as a dad, I did nearly all the annoying things that dads do at Open Days (apparently there are lists)
Now it is time to take her to her chosen Uni for the first time and help her settle in. I am aware there are probably things that annoying dads do here as well . . . be good to get a heads up to try and avoid some of them
FWIW I have already:
Packed some tools and lubricants to fix the things in the student accomm that need fixing.
Booked a cottage nearby for a few days before drop off day, so we can explore the area and get a sense of the place. (But I will be working remotely during the day)
Called relatives in the local area to let them know what is happening when, in case we need their help with some issue we cant help with by phone
Shown granny how to video call whenever she wants
Reply 1
I doubt you'll be doing this but I see a lot of angry dads getting very angry about parking
Don't stay too long when you drop her off. The most important thing about the day is for her to break the ice with her flatmates and that is much easier to do without parents hovering about. Your job is to help carry things in then let her get on with things. Having done this more than once, I found it helpful to make up the bed while my husband and child emptied the car - one less thing for them to do and it makes the room look more homely (perhaps more important to the parents than the student!)
If possible, drop in a local supermarket before you arrive to pick up a few basics (if in self catered) to keep her going. The flat might go as a group to discover local shops, but food already in the fridge is rarely a bad thing.
With phone calls, every new undergrad is different, but it can be easier to let them phone you/grandma at their convenience during the early days as they have a lot going on with freshers, course admin, getting to know new people and their new environment. Things settle down once they into a routine
If possible, drop in a local supermarket before you arrive to pick up a few basics (if in self catered) to keep her going. The flat might go as a group to discover local shops, but food already in the fridge is rarely a bad thing.
With phone calls, every new undergrad is different, but it can be easier to let them phone you/grandma at their convenience during the early days as they have a lot going on with freshers, course admin, getting to know new people and their new environment. Things settle down once they into a routine
Reply 4
Don’t:
Walk around and introduce yourself in a threatening way to any men in the area explaining that you’re so and sos dad and will hurt anyone who treats her badly
Walk around and introduce yourself in a threatening way to any men in the area explaining that you’re so and sos dad and will hurt anyone who treats her badly
Original post by marple
Don't stay too long when you drop her off. The most important thing about the day is for her to break the ice with her flatmates and that is much easier to do without parents hovering about. Your job is to help carry things in then let her get on with things. Having done this more than once, I found it helpful to make up the bed while my husband and child emptied the car - one less thing for them to do and it makes the room look more homely (perhaps more important to the parents than the student!)
If possible, drop in a local supermarket before you arrive to pick up a few basics (if in self catered) to keep her going. The flat might go as a group to discover local shops, but food already in the fridge is rarely a bad thing.
With phone calls, every new undergrad is different, but it can be easier to let them phone you/grandma at their convenience during the early days as they have a lot going on with freshers, course admin, getting to know new people and their new environment. Things settle down once they into a routine
If possible, drop in a local supermarket before you arrive to pick up a few basics (if in self catered) to keep her going. The flat might go as a group to discover local shops, but food already in the fridge is rarely a bad thing.
With phone calls, every new undergrad is different, but it can be easier to let them phone you/grandma at their convenience during the early days as they have a lot going on with freshers, course admin, getting to know new people and their new environment. Things settle down once they into a routine
I have to disagree on the first part, my dad and sisters dropped me off on my first day of uni. We threw my stuff in the flat and went out an had an last nice proper day together, went to beach, ate food etc It was lovely. There is loads of time to socialise with ur new flatmates after, you’re going to be living with them for the next year! (Ps i get every family is diff and she might not want to do this but it’s not so cut and dry)
Original post by ChiefBrody
Two years ago I started taking my eldest to Uni Open Days, we went to quite a few before she settled on the Unis and Subjects that worked for her.
Apparently, as a dad, I did nearly all the annoying things that dads do at Open Days (apparently there are lists)
Now it is time to take her to her chosen Uni for the first time and help her settle in. I am aware there are probably things that annoying dads do here as well . . . be good to get a heads up to try and avoid some of them
FWIW I have already:
Packed some tools and lubricants to fix the things in the student accomm that need fixing.
Booked a cottage nearby for a few days before drop off day, so we can explore the area and get a sense of the place. (But I will be working remotely during the day)
Called relatives in the local area to let them know what is happening when, in case we need their help with some issue we cant help with by phone
Shown granny how to video call whenever she wants
Apparently, as a dad, I did nearly all the annoying things that dads do at Open Days (apparently there are lists)
Now it is time to take her to her chosen Uni for the first time and help her settle in. I am aware there are probably things that annoying dads do here as well . . . be good to get a heads up to try and avoid some of them
FWIW I have already:
Packed some tools and lubricants to fix the things in the student accomm that need fixing.
Booked a cottage nearby for a few days before drop off day, so we can explore the area and get a sense of the place. (But I will be working remotely during the day)
Called relatives in the local area to let them know what is happening when, in case we need their help with some issue we cant help with by phone
Shown granny how to video call whenever she wants
DO NOT take tools - any issues are not your responsibility and will cause issues. Take photos of the room and its condition if there are problems then let her report them.
Help unpack then go and do not go back whilst you are staying there.
If she needs help let her deal with it and get the help from the uni - it is not helpful to run in and take over.
Granny should not be video calling unless the time is pre-arranged ...
Some good thoughts, thanks for sharing folks 
Should have been more obviously ironic in my starting post . . .
Have packed some GT85 for squeaky hinges (top tip on taking pics of any accomm issues, thank you) and we are booked to spend a few days together as a family before freshers drop off on Saturday morning - and then we will just get out of the way. Got 2 boxes of tissues in the car for the wife (and me)
Should have been more obviously ironic in my starting post . . .
Have packed some GT85 for squeaky hinges (top tip on taking pics of any accomm issues, thank you) and we are booked to spend a few days together as a family before freshers drop off on Saturday morning - and then we will just get out of the way. Got 2 boxes of tissues in the car for the wife (and me)
Original post by ChiefBrody
Some good thoughts, thanks for sharing folks
Should have been more obviously ironic in my starting post . . .
Have packed some GT85 for squeaky hinges (top tip on taking pics of any accomm issues, thank you) and we are booked to spend a few days together as a family before freshers drop off on Saturday morning - and then we will just get out of the way. Got 2 boxes of tissues in the car for the wife (and me)
Should have been more obviously ironic in my starting post . . .
Have packed some GT85 for squeaky hinges (top tip on taking pics of any accomm issues, thank you) and we are booked to spend a few days together as a family before freshers drop off on Saturday morning - and then we will just get out of the way. Got 2 boxes of tissues in the car for the wife (and me)
Don't even use GT85 - report issues to accommodation.
By all means help her unpack but then go.
Reply 9
Don't: headbutt your new student offspring before leaving them (yes, it has been done and no-one will ever ever forgive you for it and it will be mentioned in your memorial service).
Do:
Ask the new student what they would like to happen
Find out what other people did and whether they feel it was the right thing (ie what you are doing)
Remember that apart from the new student themselves, you know them best and you are the most likely to be dealing with any of the mercifully rate serious adverse consequences, and you know more of the particular situation eg how they react to situations, how far away they will be, whether this is a course, a university, accommodation type that has been much considered/visited or whether it's been a last minute swerve. University insiders can be just as burdened with their personal self-interest or baggage as well as having useful knowledge. (Much like health professionals giving 'advice' about babies and young children) Oh and remember it might be them choosing your nursing home...
What I found useful/would have been useful:
Making the bed, getting things in the freezer/fridge, getting laptop/WiFi set up (perhaps not by you but whilst you are there) and just enough unpacking for it to be obvious if anything is missing that it would be appropriate to pop out and buy right now (eg chargers, milk if they use it). Not setting the whole room up or there will be no 'busywork' for them to do if there is no-one else around in the accommodation or they want to retreat for a bit.
Being in mobile reception/contactable through the following admin laden days whilst leaving it to them to make contact (there can be odd details they need to ask) I found WhatsApp really useful personally (esp if they don't have a notification sound on messages so won't be disturbed) inc 'last seen'
Parking, whatever, I'd endorse the importance of, on this day, not indulging yourself with anger about anything. Whilst this is a rite of passage and to be honoured, it is not obligatory to cry so don't feel bad if you don't.
Enjoy!
Do:
Ask the new student what they would like to happen
Find out what other people did and whether they feel it was the right thing (ie what you are doing)
Remember that apart from the new student themselves, you know them best and you are the most likely to be dealing with any of the mercifully rate serious adverse consequences, and you know more of the particular situation eg how they react to situations, how far away they will be, whether this is a course, a university, accommodation type that has been much considered/visited or whether it's been a last minute swerve. University insiders can be just as burdened with their personal self-interest or baggage as well as having useful knowledge. (Much like health professionals giving 'advice' about babies and young children) Oh and remember it might be them choosing your nursing home...
What I found useful/would have been useful:
Making the bed, getting things in the freezer/fridge, getting laptop/WiFi set up (perhaps not by you but whilst you are there) and just enough unpacking for it to be obvious if anything is missing that it would be appropriate to pop out and buy right now (eg chargers, milk if they use it). Not setting the whole room up or there will be no 'busywork' for them to do if there is no-one else around in the accommodation or they want to retreat for a bit.
Being in mobile reception/contactable through the following admin laden days whilst leaving it to them to make contact (there can be odd details they need to ask) I found WhatsApp really useful personally (esp if they don't have a notification sound on messages so won't be disturbed) inc 'last seen'
Parking, whatever, I'd endorse the importance of, on this day, not indulging yourself with anger about anything. Whilst this is a rite of passage and to be honoured, it is not obligatory to cry so don't feel bad if you don't.
Enjoy!
Original post by ChiefBrody
Some good thoughts, thanks for sharing folks
Should have been more obviously ironic in my starting post . . .
Have packed some GT85 for squeaky hinges (top tip on taking pics of any accomm issues, thank you) and we are booked to spend a few days together as a family before freshers drop off on Saturday morning - and then we will just get out of the way. Got 2 boxes of tissues in the car for the wife (and me)
Should have been more obviously ironic in my starting post . . .
Have packed some GT85 for squeaky hinges (top tip on taking pics of any accomm issues, thank you) and we are booked to spend a few days together as a family before freshers drop off on Saturday morning - and then we will just get out of the way. Got 2 boxes of tissues in the car for the wife (and me)
If you are being ironic, you have to be more obvious or we won't necessarily get this. This level of subtlety just won't do. 😁
Even if we sense irony, we might respond to it a little, as above, but we still can't help offering non-ironic advice.
(edited 1 year ago)
Original post by ChiefBrody
Some good thoughts, thanks for sharing folks
Should have been more obviously ironic in my starting post . . .
Have packed some GT85 for squeaky hinges (top tip on taking pics of any accomm issues, thank you) and we are booked to spend a few days together as a family before freshers drop off on Saturday morning - and then we will just get out of the way. Got 2 boxes of tissues in the car for the wife (and me)
Should have been more obviously ironic in my starting post . . .
Have packed some GT85 for squeaky hinges (top tip on taking pics of any accomm issues, thank you) and we are booked to spend a few days together as a family before freshers drop off on Saturday morning - and then we will just get out of the way. Got 2 boxes of tissues in the car for the wife (and me)
Hold those tears until you're back in the car and away from other students still unloading (one of them is bound to be a flatmate). We're taking my youngest tomorrow so it's the empty nest for us
When our daughter started at Uni, we moved her gear in, helped her unpack some stuff and make her bed.
We the went and got a sandwich/coffee lunch and went to the supermarket and did some very basic shopping.
We took her back to campus and one of her lovely new flatmates helped her put her food away in the kitchen and then, we said goodbye. She got a bit tearful but her new flatmate took our daughter's hand and said 'Tea?' and led her back int the kitchen while we just left.
Please, ask you own children to be that flatmate.
We the went and got a sandwich/coffee lunch and went to the supermarket and did some very basic shopping.
We took her back to campus and one of her lovely new flatmates helped her put her food away in the kitchen and then, we said goodbye. She got a bit tearful but her new flatmate took our daughter's hand and said 'Tea?' and led her back int the kitchen while we just left.
Please, ask you own children to be that flatmate.
Original post by McGinger
. . . . She got a bit tearful but her new flatmate took our daughter's hand and said 'Tea?' and led her back int the kitchen while we just left.
Please, ask you own children to be that flatmate. . . .
Please, ask you own children to be that flatmate. . . .
gee thanks McGinger ! Making me tearful just thinking about that
Reply 15
Original post by ChiefBrody
X
I don't have any advice to give on this end, but I've come across a few of your posts and I wanted to express my admiration for your dedication in your children's education and personal development. You're setting a wonderful example for parenting.
Wishing her all the best at university.
Original post by ChiefBrody
Apparently, as a dad, I did nearly all the annoying things that dads do at Open Days (apparently there are lists)
Did you find a conker tree and fill your pockets and then take your coat off in a Physics taster lecture and have some of the conkers roll under the seats?
Beat ya.
Reply 17
This happened only yesterday. I have no advice to offer other than i seemed to be woefully ill prepared. Due to work my wife had takn our eldest to all the uni visits and tours so when it came time for him to go to uni it was agreed that i would drive him. I now understand that this was due to my wife dealing with it in her own way. It was a whirlwind he was offered a place (first choice) and two weeks later the car was packed full of IKEA and Dunelm Mills finest (carefully packed by my wife). Due to my sons choice being in Ireland this involved a long car journey and a ferry crossing. I found on the journey due to the time and confines of the car my son had grown into such an articulate and mature young person. I know this sounds weird as i saw and spoke with him everyday but he articulated how nervous he was but how excited he was. Every now and then the conversation would change to something that would cause me to feel emotional. We stayed the night before check in at some relatives and had a walk and talked openly. The following morning my son was awake and dressed at 7.30 am chomping to get in the car and drive towards his accomodation - this is when i knew how much he wanted this. On arrival i stepped back allowed him to set the pace to book in and arrange the key fob. We dilligently humped the boxes and bags up the three flights of stairs to his new room. Where i assisted in unpacking a few items whilst he made his bed. All the kitchen ware was left boxed so that he could go through and unpack it later when others would be around so that he could socialise. This seemed a brilliant idea. We then left the accomodation so that he could give me a tour and a tour of the different sites. I let him set the pace and do what he wanted he was so excited and enthused, we had lunch and emptied the selves of the local Tesco. I was so proud to be there with him and witness this transformation and the very beginning of his adventure. Returning to the accomodation my son noticed another student and her mother in the kitchen/rest area he quickly grabbed his kitchen ware and went back to unpack whilst they were in there. This encouraged a conversation and he met his first housemate. I was able to speak with the mother who was going through exactly the same as myself (also by chance they actually live close to us and so they would be flying home to the same destinations during holidays). Shortly after we returned to his room my son said im going to prop my door open to air the room but also so i can see other people and chat with them as they walk past (this amazed me as my son has always been very shy and reserved) it was then i felt it was time for me to leave and then it happened. As we said goodbye it hit me and i was never prepared for this, as my son said ill see you in 14 weeks. I hadnt cried since my father passed 25 years ago but i stood there hugging my son crying and damn did i cry. I managed to say between crying im proud, be safe and i love you - i then walked out. I got in the car and he came to give me a hug before i drove off. I knew he was going to be fine. I drove off and pulled in to a layby and called my wife in tears before composing myself and driving back to the place i was staying. I didnt message him that evening i wanted to leave him to mix with his new housemates. The following day i drove to the port - i thought i was composed now - i boarded the ferry and as i watched Ireland disappear on the horizon i realised how far away he was and although it seems irrational it felt as if i was leaving him behind and the crying starts again. I rationalised it all that we have developed our son to be the person he is, yes he will drink too much at times, yes he will eat rubbish after years of trying to nourish him but he is a mature and enthusiastic person that wants to broaden his mind and explore. Im now home and wanted to share this as many of you may or may not be in the same boats, but our emotions run strong but we have developed those young adults to be who they are and where they are.
Oh and as i write this hes just text to say that he drank vodka and ate spag bol with his housemates last night (yep).
Oh and as i write this hes just text to say that he drank vodka and ate spag bol with his housemates last night (yep).
Reply 18
Original post by Kevin Buck
This happened only yesterday. I have no advice to offer other than i seemed to be woefully ill prepared. Due to work my wife had takn our eldest to all the uni visits and tours so when it came time for him to go to uni it was agreed that i would drive him. I now understand that this was due to my wife dealing with it in her own way. It was a whirlwind he was offered a place (first choice) and two weeks later the car was packed full of IKEA and Dunelm Mills finest (carefully packed by my wife). Due to my sons choice being in Ireland this involved a long car journey and a ferry crossing. I found on the journey due to the time and confines of the car my son had grown into such an articulate and mature young person. I know this sounds weird as i saw and spoke with him everyday but he articulated how nervous he was but how excited he was. Every now and then the conversation would change to something that would cause me to feel emotional. We stayed the night before check in at some relatives and had a walk and talked openly. The following morning my son was awake and dressed at 7.30 am chomping to get in the car and drive towards his accomodation - this is when i knew how much he wanted this. On arrival i stepped back allowed him to set the pace to book in and arrange the key fob. We dilligently humped the boxes and bags up the three flights of stairs to his new room. Where i assisted in unpacking a few items whilst he made his bed. All the kitchen ware was left boxed so that he could go through and unpack it later when others would be around so that he could socialise. This seemed a brilliant idea. We then left the accomodation so that he could give me a tour and a tour of the different sites. I let him set the pace and do what he wanted he was so excited and enthused, we had lunch and emptied the selves of the local Tesco. I was so proud to be there with him and witness this transformation and the very beginning of his adventure. Returning to the accomodation my son noticed another student and her mother in the kitchen/rest area he quickly grabbed his kitchen ware and went back to unpack whilst they were in there. This encouraged a conversation and he met his first housemate. I was able to speak with the mother who was going through exactly the same as myself (also by chance they actually live close to us and so they would be flying home to the same destinations during holidays). Shortly after we returned to his room my son said im going to prop my door open to air the room but also so i can see other people and chat with them as they walk past (this amazed me as my son has always been very shy and reserved) it was then i felt it was time for me to leave and then it happened. As we said goodbye it hit me and i was never prepared for this, as my son said ill see you in 14 weeks. I hadnt cried since my father passed 25 years ago but i stood there hugging my son crying and damn did i cry. I managed to say between crying im proud, be safe and i love you - i then walked out. I got in the car and he came to give me a hug before i drove off. I knew he was going to be fine. I drove off and pulled in to a layby and called my wife in tears before composing myself and driving back to the place i was staying. I didnt message him that evening i wanted to leave him to mix with his new housemates. The following day i drove to the port - i thought i was composed now - i boarded the ferry and as i watched Ireland disappear on the horizon i realised how far away he was and although it seems irrational it felt as if i was leaving him behind and the crying starts again. I rationalised it all that we have developed our son to be the person he is, yes he will drink too much at times, yes he will eat rubbish after years of trying to nourish him but he is a mature and enthusiastic person that wants to broaden his mind and explore. Im now home and wanted to share this as many of you may or may not be in the same boats, but our emotions run strong but we have developed those young adults to be who they are and where they are.
Oh and as i write this hes just text to say that he drank vodka and ate spag bol with his housemates last night (yep).
Oh and as i write this hes just text to say that he drank vodka and ate spag bol with his housemates last night (yep).
Oh bless! How lovely!
So far I have delegated all the emotion to Child 2's therapists, GP, tutors, teaching staff, his co-exhibitors... perhaps too aware that more miracles are required and that like this one, a lot of work from me is required. (I shall be like one of those dead salmon by the end...)
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