What should I do as a Muslim?
Salam,
I am currently in a bad place mentally as my life has spiralled immensely in the past year. I had a tough upbringing where my mother abused me and my siblings. I get told by everyone that it isn't abuse because parents can punish their children when they misbehave. I completely agree with this statement but to what extent? My mother has tried to suffocate me as a child by placing a pillow over my head with her whole body weight. She had given an ultimatum to me and my brother when we were arguing as children by giving us a knife to end ourself. My father treated us well whenever we got to see him as he worked abroad. During a lot of my teen age, my mother would bring around numerous men while being married to my father and committed adultery. My response to this was being quite rude to my mother in the sense I seemed angry all the time that I couldn't do anything about it as a child. She told me if I wasn't happy then I could get lost. My father eventually found out and was furious so he filed for a divorce. My father planned on selling the house leaving my mum with nothing but she has always been a cunning women. I was studying for my A-Level exams one night where she barged into my room throwing my notes and study material everywhere, she set my notes on fire with a lighter. She threatened me to call my father and beg him to put the house in her name as we would be made homeless. In the end, my fathers heart was in the right place and he had given the house to my mother without any cost. A few years later, my mother got married to one of the men she was sleeping around with who is a Hafiz and they had a child together. I am currently an adult and married to my husband. I was still at University when I had my Nikkah so my husband lived with me and my family. My husband lost his job and struggled to get one which made my mother start arguments with me all the time. She would backbite about me and my husband constantly but I just tried doing my best to ignore it. On June 20th, my father past away from cancer, when my mother found out, her face lit up in happiness and she was laughing. I was crying my eyes out and she seemed to not care and the distress of me and my siblings. My mother kept us away from our father after the divorce saying he was horrible and bad mouthing him. I was always to scared to talk back to her so I just agreed and did whatever she said my whole life. My mother has belittled us, wished for our death and treated my father horribly. Why has Allah allowed all this? After my father's death, I could not take it anymore. My husband finally stood up to my mother and we left. She is now happily married under a house my father left for me and my siblings, she is wanting to put her new husband on the mortgage and take my biological brother off it. I have been told that I will not get any share of the house because I don't deserve it. I am not upset about the money, I am upset that my mother and her new husband profit off my father who is no longer here. I have so many regrets, my mother made me treat my father horribly and feed me lies. I have hurt my father and I can never apologise for it. Allah has taken him away from me before I could make things right. Right now, I have no parents, I am alone and I absolutely hate my life. I still have a little sister who is 14 which still lives with my mother, I am currently trying to get a house with my husband so she can move in with us. My entire life has been about taking care of other people but why can't Allah see that this is too much for my heart? There is so much I can type about my miserable life but I don't see the point as it won't change my past. I just wanted advice because I know that in Islam our mother's are the door to Jannah but how can my mother be the door to Jannah for me? She has hurt me beyond repair.
I am currently in a bad place mentally as my life has spiralled immensely in the past year. I had a tough upbringing where my mother abused me and my siblings. I get told by everyone that it isn't abuse because parents can punish their children when they misbehave. I completely agree with this statement but to what extent? My mother has tried to suffocate me as a child by placing a pillow over my head with her whole body weight. She had given an ultimatum to me and my brother when we were arguing as children by giving us a knife to end ourself. My father treated us well whenever we got to see him as he worked abroad. During a lot of my teen age, my mother would bring around numerous men while being married to my father and committed adultery. My response to this was being quite rude to my mother in the sense I seemed angry all the time that I couldn't do anything about it as a child. She told me if I wasn't happy then I could get lost. My father eventually found out and was furious so he filed for a divorce. My father planned on selling the house leaving my mum with nothing but she has always been a cunning women. I was studying for my A-Level exams one night where she barged into my room throwing my notes and study material everywhere, she set my notes on fire with a lighter. She threatened me to call my father and beg him to put the house in her name as we would be made homeless. In the end, my fathers heart was in the right place and he had given the house to my mother without any cost. A few years later, my mother got married to one of the men she was sleeping around with who is a Hafiz and they had a child together. I am currently an adult and married to my husband. I was still at University when I had my Nikkah so my husband lived with me and my family. My husband lost his job and struggled to get one which made my mother start arguments with me all the time. She would backbite about me and my husband constantly but I just tried doing my best to ignore it. On June 20th, my father past away from cancer, when my mother found out, her face lit up in happiness and she was laughing. I was crying my eyes out and she seemed to not care and the distress of me and my siblings. My mother kept us away from our father after the divorce saying he was horrible and bad mouthing him. I was always to scared to talk back to her so I just agreed and did whatever she said my whole life. My mother has belittled us, wished for our death and treated my father horribly. Why has Allah allowed all this? After my father's death, I could not take it anymore. My husband finally stood up to my mother and we left. She is now happily married under a house my father left for me and my siblings, she is wanting to put her new husband on the mortgage and take my biological brother off it. I have been told that I will not get any share of the house because I don't deserve it. I am not upset about the money, I am upset that my mother and her new husband profit off my father who is no longer here. I have so many regrets, my mother made me treat my father horribly and feed me lies. I have hurt my father and I can never apologise for it. Allah has taken him away from me before I could make things right. Right now, I have no parents, I am alone and I absolutely hate my life. I still have a little sister who is 14 which still lives with my mother, I am currently trying to get a house with my husband so she can move in with us. My entire life has been about taking care of other people but why can't Allah see that this is too much for my heart? There is so much I can type about my miserable life but I don't see the point as it won't change my past. I just wanted advice because I know that in Islam our mother's are the door to Jannah but how can my mother be the door to Jannah for me? She has hurt me beyond repair.
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Original post by Sproutosaurus
Salam,
I am currently in a bad place mentally as my life has spiralled immensely in the past year. I had a tough upbringing where my mother abused me and my siblings. I get told by everyone that it isn't abuse because parents can punish their children when they misbehave. I completely agree with this statement but to what extent? My mother has tried to suffocate me as a child by placing a pillow over my head with her whole body weight. She had given an ultimatum to me and my brother when we were arguing as children by giving us a knife to end ourself. My father treated us well whenever we got to see him as he worked abroad. During a lot of my teen age, my mother would bring around numerous men while being married to my father and committed adultery. My response to this was being quite rude to my mother in the sense I seemed angry all the time that I couldn't do anything about it as a child. She told me if I wasn't happy then I could get lost. My father eventually found out and was furious so he filed for a divorce. My father planned on selling the house leaving my mum with nothing but she has always been a cunning women. I was studying for my A-Level exams one night where she barged into my room throwing my notes and study material everywhere, she set my notes on fire with a lighter. She threatened me to call my father and beg him to put the house in her name as we would be made homeless. In the end, my fathers heart was in the right place and he had given the house to my mother without any cost. A few years later, my mother got married to one of the men she was sleeping around with who is a Hafiz and they had a child together. I am currently an adult and married to my husband. I was still at University when I had my Nikkah so my husband lived with me and my family. My husband lost his job and struggled to get one which made my mother start arguments with me all the time. She would backbite about me and my husband constantly but I just tried doing my best to ignore it. On June 20th, my father past away from cancer, when my mother found out, her face lit up in happiness and she was laughing. I was crying my eyes out and she seemed to not care and the distress of me and my siblings. My mother kept us away from our father after the divorce saying he was horrible and bad mouthing him. I was always to scared to talk back to her so I just agreed and did whatever she said my whole life. My mother has belittled us, wished for our death and treated my father horribly. Why has Allah allowed all this? After my father's death, I could not take it anymore. My husband finally stood up to my mother and we left. She is now happily married under a house my father left for me and my siblings, she is wanting to put her new husband on the mortgage and take my biological brother off it. I have been told that I will not get any share of the house because I don't deserve it. I am not upset about the money, I am upset that my mother and her new husband profit off my father who is no longer here. I have so many regrets, my mother made me treat my father horribly and feed me lies. I have hurt my father and I can never apologise for it. Allah has taken him away from me before I could make things right. Right now, I have no parents, I am alone and I absolutely hate my life. I still have a little sister who is 14 which still lives with my mother, I am currently trying to get a house with my husband so she can move in with us. My entire life has been about taking care of other people but why can't Allah see that this is too much for my heart? There is so much I can type about my miserable life but I don't see the point as it won't change my past. I just wanted advice because I know that in Islam our mother's are the door to Jannah but how can my mother be the door to Jannah for me? She has hurt me beyond repair.
I am currently in a bad place mentally as my life has spiralled immensely in the past year. I had a tough upbringing where my mother abused me and my siblings. I get told by everyone that it isn't abuse because parents can punish their children when they misbehave. I completely agree with this statement but to what extent? My mother has tried to suffocate me as a child by placing a pillow over my head with her whole body weight. She had given an ultimatum to me and my brother when we were arguing as children by giving us a knife to end ourself. My father treated us well whenever we got to see him as he worked abroad. During a lot of my teen age, my mother would bring around numerous men while being married to my father and committed adultery. My response to this was being quite rude to my mother in the sense I seemed angry all the time that I couldn't do anything about it as a child. She told me if I wasn't happy then I could get lost. My father eventually found out and was furious so he filed for a divorce. My father planned on selling the house leaving my mum with nothing but she has always been a cunning women. I was studying for my A-Level exams one night where she barged into my room throwing my notes and study material everywhere, she set my notes on fire with a lighter. She threatened me to call my father and beg him to put the house in her name as we would be made homeless. In the end, my fathers heart was in the right place and he had given the house to my mother without any cost. A few years later, my mother got married to one of the men she was sleeping around with who is a Hafiz and they had a child together. I am currently an adult and married to my husband. I was still at University when I had my Nikkah so my husband lived with me and my family. My husband lost his job and struggled to get one which made my mother start arguments with me all the time. She would backbite about me and my husband constantly but I just tried doing my best to ignore it. On June 20th, my father past away from cancer, when my mother found out, her face lit up in happiness and she was laughing. I was crying my eyes out and she seemed to not care and the distress of me and my siblings. My mother kept us away from our father after the divorce saying he was horrible and bad mouthing him. I was always to scared to talk back to her so I just agreed and did whatever she said my whole life. My mother has belittled us, wished for our death and treated my father horribly. Why has Allah allowed all this? After my father's death, I could not take it anymore. My husband finally stood up to my mother and we left. She is now happily married under a house my father left for me and my siblings, she is wanting to put her new husband on the mortgage and take my biological brother off it. I have been told that I will not get any share of the house because I don't deserve it. I am not upset about the money, I am upset that my mother and her new husband profit off my father who is no longer here. I have so many regrets, my mother made me treat my father horribly and feed me lies. I have hurt my father and I can never apologise for it. Allah has taken him away from me before I could make things right. Right now, I have no parents, I am alone and I absolutely hate my life. I still have a little sister who is 14 which still lives with my mother, I am currently trying to get a house with my husband so she can move in with us. My entire life has been about taking care of other people but why can't Allah see that this is too much for my heart? There is so much I can type about my miserable life but I don't see the point as it won't change my past. I just wanted advice because I know that in Islam our mother's are the door to Jannah but how can my mother be the door to Jannah for me? She has hurt me beyond repair.
Firstly, may Allāh bless you, it must be known that Allāh said (meaning): {Or do you think that you will enter Paradise while such [trial] has not yet come to you as came to those who passed on before you? They were touched by poverty and hardship and were shaken until [even their] Messenger and those who believed with him said, “When is the help of Allāh?” Unquestionably, the help of Allāh is near.} [Baqarah 2:214]
{Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: ‘We believe,’ and will not be tested. But We have certainly tested those before them, and Allāh will surely make evident those who are truthful, and He will surely make evident the liars.} [al-‘Ankaboot 29:2-3]
{And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Saabiroon (the patient). Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: ‘Truly, to Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.’ They are those on whom are the Salawaat (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Rabb (Lord), and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided ones} [al-Baqarah 2:155-157]
Now knowing this, we should realise that we must be patient upon our trials so that we prove to Allāh that we are true to him in our belief. It is important to note the hadīth when the Prophet ﷺ passed by a woman who was weeping next to a grave. The Prophet said, “Fear Allāh and be patient.” She said, “Go away from me! You have not been afflicted by a calamity like mine,” and she did not recognize him. Then, she was told that it was the Prophet, so she went to the Prophet’s house and she did not find any guards there. She said to him, “I did not recognize you.” The Prophet said, “Verily, patience is at the first strike.” [Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 1283, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 926]
Know, many Allāh reward you, that trials will increase your rank with Allāh and will expiate your sins. The Prophet ﷺ said (meaning): “Nothing afflicts a Muslim of hardship, nor illness, nor anxiety, nor sorrow, nor harm, nor distress, nor even the pricking of a thorn, but that Allah will expiate his sins by it.” [Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 5641, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2573]
The Prophet ﷺ said (meaning):“The people who lived in prosperity will wish on the Day of Resurrection to have the reward of those who were put to trial, even if their skin had been torn away with shears.” [Sunan al-Tirmidhī 2402 -Hasan (fair) according to Al-Albani]
As for your mother, then you still have great rights to fulfil to her, despite her hostility. Allāh said (meaning): {But if they (parents) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do.} [Luqmān 31:14-15] So even if they strive to make you do the most horrendous sin (Shirk/Kufr), the only sin Allāh does not forgive and will make you remain in Hell for eternity, you still have to be kind to them.
Furthermore, the Prophet ﷺ said (meaning): "The one who maintains ties of kinship is not the one who reciprocates. The one who maintains ties of kinship is the one who, when his relatives cut him off, maintains ties of kinship." [Sahīh al-Bukhārī 5645] Abu Hurayrah reported that A man said to the Messenger of Allāh ﷺ: “I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind towards them, but they insult me.” The Prophet ﷺ said (meaning): “If you are as you say, then it is as if you are putting hot dust in their mouths. Allāh will continue to support you as long as you continue to do that.” [Sahīh Muslim 2558]
So try to keep contact with her and be kind to her by visiting her sometimes if you can, texting her, buying her gifts, helping out financially and whatever you are able to do to cause her to love and appreciate you. As for any injustice that has been done to you and your father, then know that Allāh sees it, and we will all we returned back to him for total justice. Any rights that have been violated in terms or wealth, honour and everything else, will surely be recompensed.
I also remind you of the āyah (meaning): {And (remember) when your Rabb (Lord) proclaimed: "If you are grateful, I will give you more (of My Blessings); but if you are thankless (i.e. disbelievers), verily My punishment is indeed severe."} [Ibrāhīm 14:7] So look at what Allāh has blessed you with and show your gratitude for it by perfecting and increasing in your acts of worship. You seem to have a loving husband by your side who is supporting you, so this is something to rejoice for. You should also realise that our brothers and sisters around the world are currently facing greater hardships than us, and the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said (meaning): “Look at those below you and do not look at those above you, lest you belittle the favors of Allah.” [Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2963]
To conclude, how can we increase in our patience and gratitude? It is by learning the religion. Perhaps you never heard some of these āyāt or ahādīth, and I hope that they brought you to ease. If we don't study the Qur'ān and the Sunnah, how can we know these things? And also we learn the stories of the Prophets, who have endured much worse than all of us, by reading their biographies which have been mentioned in the Qur'ān, the Sunnah and the Prophetic Sīrah. The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “Let the Muslims be strengthened in their calamities by remembering the misfortunes that befell me.” [al-Muwaṭṭa’ 809 - Sahih (authenticated by al-Albani]
It is upon us to learn the religion by studying it under reliable scholars who have dedicated their lives into doing this so that they can explain it to us. If we don't speak Arabic then we can learn from the students of these scholars who have taken what they have learnt from them and convey it to us in English. You can find one such YouTube channel called "Garden of Ilm" and I recommend you begin with the playlist "Important Lessons" which contains the most essential knowledge that every Muslim must know (although, sadly, most don't know) such as the details of the 5 pillars of Islām, the 6 pillars of Īmān and more. From there you can progress and study more books on the channel. I hope that his has benefitted you. If you have anymore questions, I will be more than happy to help - in shā' Allāh.
I can't believe you went through this as a muslim i am disgusted to even hear that someone let alone a mother is capable of doing that may allah put her in the deep depths of hell inshallah im sorry but you need to move on in your life and leave her behind but try to file for custody of your sister inshallah she is 14 you say so she can also have influence over the courts as she has a active mind and can properly understand i wish you and your husband the best.
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