Walking on eggshells at home

I am tired of being at home. I'm currently looking for a job. I look after my grandma while my parents are at work. Make her breakfast and dinner, putting in effort to make sure it looks aesthetically pleasing and interesting, packed with nutrition. I do the laundry. I wash the dishes, change her bedsheets, help her write out her text messages. We used to share a room out of necessity, and only recently I have gained my own independence and gotten my own. I do everything I can for her. I rarely receive thanks, not that that's the reason I do these things, but it would be nice to feel appreciated for my effort.

She demands someone sit with her, not realising everyone has their own life to live. I dedicate what I can to her, making sure to end the day by tending to her aches and pains and engaging in some small talk. This is despite the fact I have grown internally frustrated with the fact she makes my time her own. She is destructive, unloads her trauma whenever she feels like it, laying damage wherever possible without thought of others. She complains about my mother to me, despite the fact I have made it known it makes me uncomfortable and its not a productive conversation since I have heard the same my whole life. Things used to be a lot worse, she would demonise my mum when I was young and make me take sides. It was confusing and damaging for me.

I have learnt to keep my thoughts to myself; if I express my opinions in a respectful and intelligent way, they are not received as such if they go against he views or if I am standing up for myself against her. I feel so weak, even in adulthood I feel I hardly have a spine to walk with. It's transmitted into other relationships and I will let people walk over me due to this deep conditioning.

I am really tired of her alpha female personality. I have no room to breathe and grow. I dread free days because I know I'm stuck in the house with her. She is a bitter personality and I fear how she treats me reflects in how I respond to her, that I myself am becoming bitter and miserable. She gaslights me. I have to reevaluate every interaction I have towards her when she turns against me on a dime and I am left confused as to why. Any "wrong" intonation, if I am tired or had a stressful day, if my body language doesn't suggest enthusiastic and upbeat, even my resting face being too "*****y". These are all things that are used against me to justify her being horrible to me. When she raises her voice, I remain calm, I try to reasonably defend myself. I even try to take her view. I concede if she makes me feel like I have done wrong when I know I have absolutely not. All to maintain peace. Ironically I am the only one in the family who dedicates as much time and effort towards her, because everyone else feels her draining personality take a toll on them. This selfless act is the very same thing that puts me in the line of fire.

She constantly needs to feel validated, told she is loved and she is a good person. She seeks praise for her religious efforts and charity. She needs someone to worship the ground she is on. I have done this for many years; as a child it was easy. Now I have grown up and I no longer blindly admire, nor am I pressed by the same fear of her I once was when I was younger.

I just want to live my life. She has called me names, shouted so bloodcurdlingly that it makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and make my vision go black out of anxiety. I'm glad I have my own room, a pocket of space to breathe. But every corner I turn and she is there. It's really draining to keep up a facade for her so she doesn't pick me apart; a stupid fake smile, slow measured movements, upwards inflection in my sentences. My very being is manufactured. I am suffocated. And yet if I disconnect and try to avoid her, al hell breaks loose and I am "disrespectful" and "uncaring".

It's a lose lose whichever way I look. I just want the path of least resistance. I know she will never change. I don't have the luxury to separate like my other family members. I pray for a job soon so I can justify being away. I have tried to please her. Reasoning with her does not work, her own ego blinds herself from other's views. She makes me feel like I'm less than, breaking down what little worth I have bit by bit. I don't know what to do anymore