The Student Room Group

muslim marriage advice

Asalam wailaikum everyone. I’ve been married for a year now and recently my husband tells me I haven’t been giving him enough intimacy. For some context, I work all day in a lab so when I come home I feel tired as I need to do the housework as well. Before we got married my husband said if I wanted to work I would need to contribute to the household income which I do but in return I also asked him to do some of the housework since he works from home but when I come home everything is half done.
Anyway he says I’m being disobedient by not listening to him and says the angels with curse me to which I replied he doesn’t maintain me since I contribute to the household as well so I’m not obligated to give him intimacy when he demands it. I understand he has a higher sex drive than me but I don’t feel like doing it more than twice a week. Am I being unreasonable? Please give me advice
Original post by Anonymous
Asalam wailaikum everyone. I’ve been married for a year now and recently my husband tells me I haven’t been giving him enough intimacy. For some context, I work all day in a lab so when I come home I feel tired as I need to do the housework as well. Before we got married my husband said if I wanted to work I would need to contribute to the household income which I do but in return I also asked him to do some of the housework since he works from home but when I come home everything is half done.
Anyway he says I’m being disobedient by not listening to him and says the angels with curse me to which I replied he doesn’t maintain me since I contribute to the household as well so I’m not obligated to give him intimacy when he demands it. I understand he has a higher sex drive than me but I don’t feel like doing it more than twice a week. Am I being unreasonable? Please give me advice

Salam sister

Really sorry to hear you're experiencing this from your husband. It is completely ok to be tired after work and not want any intimacy. Please don't let him pressure you into intimacy, it's your body. What he is saying to you is demeaning as well as it sounds like he may be trying to get some power over you.

Do you live in the UK or elsewhere?
Original post by Anonymous
Salam sister

Really sorry to hear you're experiencing this from your husband. It is completely ok to be tired after work and not want any intimacy. Please don't let him pressure you into intimacy, it's your body. What he is saying to you is demeaning as well as it sounds like he may be trying to get some power over you.

Do you live in the UK or elsewhere?


Hello sister, yes I live in the UK. I don’t want to make him unhappy but sometimes I’m just not in the mood, I’m sure you understand. I’m not sure what to do as I try my best to please him by cooking when I come home and by doing some acts of intimacy. I’m trying to not let him have power over me as going to work gives me a sense of freedom and independence but i’m scared he’ll tell me to quit
Original post by Anonymous
Hello sister, yes I live in the UK. I don’t want to make him unhappy but sometimes I’m just not in the mood, I’m sure you understand. I’m not sure what to do as I try my best to please him by cooking when I come home and by doing some acts of intimacy. I’m trying to not let him have power over me as going to work gives me a sense of freedom and independence but i’m scared he’ll tell me to quit

I'm not a Muslim, so I'll speak from a non-Muslim perspective and you can consider whichever comments you feel are relevant.

Based on what I can see, your marriage is on track to becoming abusive. You should not have to placate your spouse and never feel like you have to walk on eggshells in your own home because you fear their reaction. You already do more than your fair share and whether or not you are fully intimate, you still make an effort to perform intimate acts on your husband on a regular basis on top of everything else.

I would say you are definitely making the right decision by standing up for yourself and saying you are not obligated to give up your body at his will just because you are married. If he coerces you into being fully intimate without your consent, that is marital rape and is punishable by law. It also sounds concerning that you worry about your husband having the authority to force you to quit your job and become a housewife.

If you have any close friends in the area, I would confide in them about this so that you have a way out of your household if the situation escalates. Additionally, although it may not be your first port of call, you have the right to decide to get a divorce if the situation is showing no signs of improvement. Your husband already seems to be prioritising his wants over your needs and using religion as a threat to force you into submission.

Remember that you are a part of your marriage as much as your husband is, irrespective of your contributions. If he doesn't respect you or care about you beyond the fulfilment of his own desires, then it may be better to discontinue it.
Original post by Anonymous
Asalam wailaikum everyone. I’ve been married for a year now and recently my husband tells me I haven’t been giving him enough intimacy. For some context, I work all day in a lab so when I come home I feel tired as I need to do the housework as well. Before we got married my husband said if I wanted to work I would need to contribute to the household income which I do but in return I also asked him to do some of the housework since he works from home but when I come home everything is half done.
Anyway he says I’m being disobedient by not listening to him and says the angels with curse me to which I replied he doesn’t maintain me since I contribute to the household as well so I’m not obligated to give him intimacy when he demands it. I understand he has a higher sex drive than me but I don’t feel like doing it more than twice a week. Am I being unreasonable? Please give me advice


I don't really see how the two things are related. The issue of income / housework and the issue of intimacy seem like two separate things to me?

Regarding housework, I think it's fair that you both contribute to it roughly equally. You're both working and earning money and contributing to the household that way, and you'll both be tired by the end of the day (remember that working from home is still working), so it wouldn't be fair to expect the entire burden of housework to fall upon one person, whether that's you or him. You mention that when you come home, the housework is "half done", which makes it sound like he's doing his fair share of it (i.e. half of it)? Are you expecting him to do all of it? Or do you mean that nothing is done?

Regarding intimacy, it's a very common issue faced by couples - people's sex drives are rarely going to be equally matched all the time. I don't think your thoughts should immediately go to divorce over something like that, as another poster has suggested. It should first go towards discussing it with him trying to resolve the situation amicably rather than in a combative sort of way; remember that you're teammates, not opponents. Even if you feel you are not "obligated" to give him intimacy, you also don't want him to be feeling overly dissatisfied and frustrated in the marriage, because that isn't a happy marriage. Similarly, even if he feels entitled to intimacy, he shouldn't want to pressure you into it so often that it starts feeling a chore for you, because that's not enjoyable either. Each person needs to consider what the other one wants just as much as themselves.


Finally I'll mention that this:
"he doesn’t maintain me since I contribute to the household as well so I’m not obligated to give him intimacy when he demands it"
... seems like a strange thing to say. Again, I don't see what income and contributing to the household has got to do with intimacy. It isn't supposed to be something you give him in return for financially providing for you. Regardless of what the income / housework dynamic is, it's supposed to be something you do because you both want to, and more importantly because you both want to make the other person happy.
Original post by SagaciousSag
I'm not a Muslim, so I'll speak from a non-Muslim perspective and you can consider whichever comments you feel are relevant.

Based on what I can see, your marriage is on track to becoming abusive. You should not have to placate your spouse and never feel like you have to walk on eggshells in your own home because you fear their reaction. You already do more than your fair share and whether or not you are fully intimate, you still make an effort to perform intimate acts on your husband on a regular basis on top of everything else.

I would say you are definitely making the right decision by standing up for yourself and saying you are not obligated to give up your body at his will just because you are married. If he coerces you into being fully intimate without your consent, that is marital rape and is punishable by law. It also sounds concerning that you worry about your husband having the authority to force you to quit your job and become a housewife.

If you have any close friends in the area, I would confide in them about this so that you have a way out of your household if the situation escalates. Additionally, although it may not be your first port of call, you have the right to decide to get a divorce if the situation is showing no signs of improvement. Your husband already seems to be prioritising his wants over your needs and using religion as a threat to force you into submission.

Remember that you are a part of your marriage as much as your husband is, irrespective of your contributions. If he doesn't respect you or care about you beyond the fulfilment of his own desires, then it may be better to discontinue it.

Hi thank you so much for taking time to help me. I’m not entirely sure what I should do right now but I will stand my ground no matter what. Unfortunately I don’t have a good relationship with my parents so I can’t really turn to them but hopefully my situation betters and I don’t have to think about leaving home. I think a lot of women (muslim or not) have been conditioned to
think it’s their fault it’s there’s problems in their marriage so I want to thank you both for your replies because now I know for sure I’ve tried my best and it’s not on me
Original post by tazarooni89
I don't really see how the two things are related. The issue of income / housework and the issue of intimacy seem like two separate things to me?

Regarding housework, I think it's fair that you both contribute to it roughly equally. You're both working and earning money and contributing to the household that way, and you'll both be tired by the end of the day (remember that working from home is still working), so it wouldn't be fair to expect the entire burden of housework to fall upon one person, whether that's you or him. You mention that when you come home, the housework is "half done", which makes it sound like he's doing his fair share of it (i.e. half of it)? Are you expecting him to do all of it? Or do you mean that nothing is done?

Regarding intimacy, it's a very common issue faced by couples - people's sex drives are rarely going to be equally matched all the time. I don't think your thoughts should immediately go to divorce over something like that, as another poster has suggested. It should first go towards discussing it with him trying to resolve the situation amicably rather than in a combative sort of way; remember that you're teammates, not opponents. Even if you feel you are not "obligated" to give him intimacy, you also don't want him to be feeling overly dissatisfied and frustrated in the marriage, because that isn't a happy marriage. Similarly, even if he feels entitled to intimacy, he shouldn't want to pressure you into it so often that it starts feeling a chore for you, because that's not enjoyable either. Each person needs to consider what the other one wants just as much as themselves.


Finally I'll mention that this:
"he doesn’t maintain me since I contribute to the household as well so I’m not obligated to give him intimacy when he demands it"
... seems like a strange thing to say. Again, I don't see what income and contributing to the household has got to do with intimacy. It isn't supposed to be something you give him in return for financially providing for you. Regardless of what the income / housework dynamic is, it's supposed to be something you do because you both want to, and more importantly because you both want to make the other person happy.

Hi when I say ‘half done’ I mean he doesn’t really do the stuff things he’s meant to do properly or he’ll leave them for me to do. I guess the issue of housework/intimacy are separate things but coming home from work and having to do stuff at home because my husband felt lazy and on top of that having him ask me for intimacy when he knows I’m tired is frustrating. Obviously I’m not thinking about divorce and I would like to solve this but he doesn’t seem to understand me.
Also, I’m not sure if you’re a muslim but in Islam it’s sort of the husband’s responsibility to provide for his wife and it’s like the wife’s responsibility to give him intimacy whenever he asks for it in return, if that makes sense. I never thought it was that deep since we’re both quite open minded and that’s why I was surprised when he said I was being disobedient etc
Original post by Anonymous
Also, I’m not sure if you’re a muslim but in Islam it’s sort of the husband’s responsibility to provide for his wife and it’s like the wife’s responsibility to give him intimacy whenever he asks for it in return, if that makes sense. I never thought it was that deep since we’re both quite open minded and that’s why I was surprised when he said I was being disobedient etc


I'm Muslim so I understand what you're going through. Keep an eye on his behaviour and prioritise your safety if it comes to it.

Stay safe sister
Reply 8
He's not doing anything to make you desire more sex with him. His fault. Glad you're not rolling over whenever he wants.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi when I say ‘half done’ I mean he doesn’t really do the stuff things he’s meant to do properly or he’ll leave them for me to do. I guess the issue of housework/intimacy are separate things but coming home from work and having to do stuff at home because my husband felt lazy and on top of that having him ask me for intimacy when he knows I’m tired is frustrating. Obviously I’m not thinking about divorce and I would like to solve this but he doesn’t seem to understand me.


Ok that makes more sense.

Also, I’m not sure if you’re a muslim but in Islam it’s sort of the husband’s responsibility to provide for his wife and it’s like the wife’s responsibility to give him intimacy whenever he asks for it in return, if that makes sense. I never thought it was that deep since we’re both quite open minded and that’s why I was surprised when he said I was being disobedient etc


I am a Muslim, but I would say I don’t really agree with that characterisation.

It is indeed the husband’s responsibility to provide for the family. That means he is working and providing out of religious obligation whereas if you are working, it is out of personal choice. So unless he is saying you have to go work in order to financially contribute to the family as well, he is already fulfilling that responsibility.

That responsibility is not “in return” for intimacy as such. To put it bluntly, the idea isn’t supposed to be that he pays you for sex! Intimacy is not supposed to be a favour you do for him in return for something else; it is supposed to be a pleasure for both of you. And he is just as responsible for satisfying you and being sensitive to your needs as vice-versa. It’s supposed to be a source of mutual happiness and cohesion rather than conflict. That’s why it doesn’t really make much sense to say “I’m going to work and earning money therefore I don’t need to be intimate with him”. The two things don’t really have anything to do with each other, and it just views both things in the wrong way in my view.

Rather, your “responsibility” (equivalent to his responsibility to protect and provide for the family) would be things like spending time looking after the home and the children (if you have any). I’d say if you’ve both agreed that you’ll take time away from that and give some of those duties to him so that you can go and work, that’s fine. But then it would be only fair that you replace that contribution with the proceeds of your work, so that your time is still going towards benefitting the family rather than just you. I think it is fair to ask him to do his share of the housework as well if that’s what you’ve agreed, but not to use your work as a stick to beat him with to say “you’re not providing for me” and withhold intimacy later on.


Basically, I think there are two things to discuss in a calm and amicable way:
1. Asking him for a bit more help with the housework, given that it would tire you out a lot to do all of it on top of having a full time job. (And perhaps that way you wouldn’t be as tired when it comes to intimacy).
2. Recognising that you have different sex drives, which is not a bad thing in and of itself, but just requires you each to be sensitive to the needs of the other; at the end of the day, this shouldn’t be about each of you trying to have it your own way, but about each of you trying to please the other person.
(edited 1 year ago)

Quick Reply

Latest

Trending

Trending