The Student Room Group

[M21]Going to the gym didn’t make me more confident

I’ve been going to the gym since i was 17 and now i’ve got a pretty good body. I like it even though i’m working on losing fat cause i’m 6’2 but still weight a bit too much.

Aside from my body, my confidence is very low. I’m losing my hair but i’ve started taking meds for hairloss.

I go to university, have few friends there and generally never go out on weekends. I don’t really have any issues in talking with girls but i’ve never had a relationship cause i don’t think any girl has ever found me attractive.
Original post by Anonymous #1
I’ve been going to the gym since i was 17 and now i’ve got a pretty good body. I like it even though i’m working on losing fat cause i’m 6’2 but still weight a bit too much.

Aside from my body, my confidence is very low. I’m losing my hair but i’ve started taking meds for hairloss.

I go to university, have few friends there and generally never go out on weekends. I don’t really have any issues in talking with girls but i’ve never had a relationship cause i don’t think any girl has ever found me attractive.
LMFAO.


This is a classic mistake people in your position always make... you're asking the wrong type of questions... People like you always seem to ask "How can I get confident?" instead of "Why am I not confident?".

There's no 'one size fits all' type answer (one thing may work for some, but not for others), the right answer /solution for you will probably be as individual as your own attributes that make you unique. You need to understand that someone's self-confidence is a complex product of:-

a) The life they've lived
b) The challenges they're facing now (or likely to in the near future)
c) Their innate personality type

... and NGL, there's sometimes a degree of luck involved as well.

To demonstrate this, take these two guys for example (both in their prime (i.e. early / mid 20's)):-

Mark:- Graduated from a "Good" university with a 2:1 in Banking and Finance; He's landed a fast-track management training program with a well known High Street Bank; he's got a 2 bedroom apartment in a modern housing complex in the City Centre (shared with his bestie); drives a very nice 2 year old Audi TT with all the mod-cons; He's often described as good looking and keeps himself in shape by going to the gym at least twice a week (plus a 10K run on Sundays); got a cool set of friends he's got an active social life with (and formed a 5-aside footy team with). Despite all these attributes & achievements, he's still a somewhat insecure and anxious person.

Dave:- Got expelled from school at 15 and has been out the educational system since then; He lives with his mother in a council flat; he's never done a days work in his life and he gets by on benefits (plus he sells a 'bit of weed' to his mates); he drives around in a 25 year old clapped out Ford Focus with no insurance; he's 8 stone overweight and is comically known as "That Fat T**t" round his estate; He's already got an ASBO from the shopping mall and another appointment at the local magistrates; drinks too much & he's got a really bad BO problem as well... Nonetheless, none of the above stops him as coming across as the most confident guy on the planet.

Is it really so crazy / bizarre Dave should be so much more confident than Mark?!? You COULD argue that Mark has had significantly higher standards set for him; therefore is more likely to experience much more uncertainty / anxiety in his life.

What events in your past do you think may have robbed you of the chance of being confident? These are the areas you need to focus on and squash them. In the meantime, you say you don't go out on weekends, what things are you doing that makes more girls likely to notice you... or even make them aware of your existence?


As for your hair, get it professionally styled so it takes the attention away from your receding hair line. As a rule of thumb, once you've lost 1/3 of your hair, you should go for the shortest style you're comfortable with. Generally speaking, the longer your hair is, the more obvious it will be that you're losing it.
(edited 1 month ago)
Well if you're ugly on face you can't compensate by going to the gym. It doesn't matter how much you go to the gym, if someone is ugly with his face he will never be an attractive guy. If you don't have confidence it means you never get complimented by girls, which means you're not goodlooking.
Reply 3
Original post by Anonymous
Well if you're ugly on face you can't compensate by going to the gym. It doesn't matter how much you go to the gym, if someone is ugly with his face he will never be an attractive guy. If you don't have confidence it means you never get complimented by girls, which means you're not goodlooking.


if you think not getting complimented by girls means not being good looking, you’re living in a dystopian world and i’m sorry for you… cause that means that almost the totality of men (i’m talking about 99% of men cause literally only models receive compliments from girls) is not good looking. I define myself as a good looking guy (surely not a model) and i’ve received very very few compliments from girls i know.

Girls simply are not used to complimenting guys, that doesn’t mean they don’t find you attractive.
Original post by Anonymous #1
if you think not getting complimented by girls means not being good looking, you’re living in a dystopian world and i’m sorry for you… cause that means that almost the totality of men (i’m talking about 99% of men cause literally only models receive compliments from girls) is not good looking. I define myself as a good looking guy (surely not a model) and i’ve received very very few compliments from girls i know.

Girls simply are not used to complimenting guys, that doesn’t mean they don’t find you attractive.
You're wrong, girls do compliment an attractive guy. About 20% of guys are attractive and girls compliment them. Maybe you overestimate your looks
Reply 5
Original post by Anonymous
You're wrong, girls do compliment an attractive guy. About 20% of guys are attractive and girls compliment them. Maybe you overestimate your looks


man, that’s an incredible dimension to live in. Congrats! I envy you
Original post by Anonymous #1
I’ve been going to the gym since i was 17 and now i’ve got a pretty good body. I like it even though i’m working on losing fat cause i’m 6’2 but still weight a bit too much.

Aside from my body, my confidence is very low. I’m losing my hair but i’ve started taking meds for hairloss.

I go to university, have few friends there and generally never go out on weekends. I don’t really have any issues in talking with girls but i’ve never had a relationship cause i don’t think any girl has ever found me attractive.
It's imported to learn how to aspire to be a Chad. I can give you some pointers:

1.

Look up Chad vs Wojak duality meme comics. You want to be the Chad, and not the Wojak!

2.

Look up Pickup Artist coaching courses. They're a lot of free ones on YouTube, but you can also pay for premium courses outside of YT ($300 a course). Basically they teach you to approach random women in a borderline intrusive (albeit legal) manner and in 99% of cases face instant rejection. But 1 in 100 of those women will accept your initial proposals. How awesome is that!?!

It's money well spent honestly. Source: trust me bro /s
Reply 7
Original post by Anonymous #2
Well if you're ugly on face you can't compensate by going to the gym. It doesn't matter how much you go to the gym, if someone is ugly with his face he will never be an attractive guy. If you don't have confidence it means you never get complimented by girls, which means you're not goodlooking.


Ignore this guy😭girls go for “ugly” guys all the time, a lot of my friends are attracted to guys that are not conventionally good looking and could be considered “ugly” but honestly trust me when I say that girls care less ab looks than guys think. I think your problem is that you’ve got low self esteem, and no matter how good looking you are your self esteem probably sabotages you. I think you need to stop caring ab what other people think and start doing stuff for yourself, so go to the gym bc ut makes YOU happy not bc you think its attractive
Reply 8
Original post by Arii256
Ignore this guy😭girls go for “ugly” guys all the time, a lot of my friends are attracted to guys that are not conventionally good looking and could be considered “ugly” but honestly trust me when I say that girls care less ab looks than guys think. I think your problem is that you’ve got low self esteem, and no matter how good looking you are your self esteem probably sabotages you. I think you need to stop caring ab what other people think and start doing stuff for yourself, so go to the gym bc ut makes YOU happy not bc you think its attractive


hey don’t worry! This guy is exaggerating things. I’m the dude who wrote this post and already replied to him in this comment section.

I know some girls like me, but the problem is in my head. Ofc i’m not Alain Delon or anything like that but i still think i’m decent looking. I always suppose they don’t really like me or that they forgot their glasses at home. While i do see very average (if not below) guys with pretty girls, i often end up thinking “they probably have more to offer than their looks only”.
Reply 9
Original post by Anonymous #1


hey don’t worry! This guy is exaggerating things. I’m the dude who wrote this post and already replied to him in this comment section.

I know some girls like me, but the problem is in my head. Ofc i’m not Alain Delon or anything like that but i still think i’m decent looking. I always suppose they don’t really like me or that they forgot their glasses at home. While i do see very average (if not below) guys with pretty girls, i often end up thinking “they probably have more to offer than their looks only”.


I think one reason behind your problem could be your fixation on looks.And thinking you’re better than the other guys solely based off looks as you compare yourself to these below average guys? Personality is REALLYYT important and wondering why you cant pull makes you come off as a beg which is unattractive. I think you shouldn’t try and force it into a relationship, bc its not the end of the world if youre not in one( also you could always try hinge or tinder) but maybe stop fixating on getting a gf and jus try becoming friends with people first with pure intentions and see where it goes from there
Original post by Arii256
I think one reason behind your problem could be your fixation on looks.And thinking you’re better than the other guys solely based off looks as you compare yourself to these below average guys? Personality is REALLYYT important and wondering why you cant pull makes you come off as a beg which is unattractive. I think you shouldn’t try and force it into a relationship, bc its not the end of the world if youre not in one( also you could always try hinge or tinder) but maybe stop fixating on getting a gf and jus try becoming friends with people first with pure intentions and see where it goes from there


never said i think i’m better than other guys based on looks. In fact, i said i’m decent looking, which might be read as being a 5,5 (if 5 is average), and i can say it cause i put daily effort on bettering myself physically and eating healthily, which is not something a lot of guys do. As i said, I’m not Delon (who was better than 99% of men physically).

I’ve plenty of friends (both guys and girls… girls especially cause i feel better around them from a friendly point of view).
Original post by Arii256
I think one reason behind your problem could be your fixation on looks.And thinking you’re better than the other guys solely based off looks as you compare yourself to these below average guys? Personality is REALLYYT important and wondering why you cant pull makes you come off as a beg which is unattractive. I think you shouldn’t try and force it into a relationship, bc its not the end of the world if youre not in one( also you could always try hinge or tinder) but maybe stop fixating on getting a gf and jus try becoming friends with people first with pure intentions and see where it goes from there


My fixation with looks is probably linked to a traumatic period of my life: until I was 16/17 years old, I had a friend who was a model. You can already imagine how much it hurt to walk with him on the street… and I myself am not bad at all aesthetically (6’2 and I take care of my body, but I was still a kid at the time). So, I grew up with a friend who got looked and approached from girls every time we went out… and we both know ghat very very few guys get attention/approaches irl from girls, aesthetically speaking. I obviously didn't get any attention either in real life or on social media. Now I notice a few more glances, but that’s it.
Original post by Old Skool Freak
LMFAO.


This is a classic mistake people in your position always make... you're asking the wrong type of questions... People like you always seem to ask "How can I get confident?" instead of "Why am I not confident?".

There's no 'one size fits all' type answer (one thing may work for some, but not for others), the right answer /solution for you will probably be as individual as your own attributes that make you unique. You need to understand that someone's self-confidence is a complex product of:-

a) The life they've lived
b) The challenges they're facing now (or likely to in the near future)
c) Their innate personality type

... and NGL, there's sometimes a degree of luck involved as well.

To demonstrate this, take these two guys for example (both in their prime (i.e. early / mid 20's)):-

Mark:- Graduated from a "Good" university with a 2:1 in Banking and Finance; He's landed a fast-track management training program with a well known High Street Bank; he's got a 2 bedroom apartment in a modern housing complex in the City Centre (shared with his bestie); drives a very nice 2 year old Audi TT with all the mod-cons; He's often described as good looking and keeps himself in shape by going to the gym at least twice a week (plus a 10K run on Sundays); got a cool set of friends he's got an active social life with (and formed a 5-aside footy team with). Despite all these attributes & achievements, he's still a somewhat insecure and anxious person.

Dave:- Got expelled from school at 15 and has been out the educational system since then; He lives with his mother in a council flat; he's never done a days work in his life and he gets by on benefits (plus he sells a 'bit of weed' to his mates); he drives around in a 25 year old clapped out Ford Focus with no insurance; he's 8 stone overweight and is comically known as "That Fat T**t" round his estate; He's already got an ASBO from the shopping mall and another appointment at the local magistrates; drinks too much & he's got a really bad BO problem as well... Nonetheless, none of the above stops him as coming across as the most confident guy on the planet.

Is it really so crazy / bizarre Dave should be so much more confident than Mark?!? You COULD argue that Mark has had significantly higher standards set for him; therefore is more likely to experience much more uncertainty / anxiety in his life.

What events in your past do you think may have robbed you of the chance of being confident? These are the areas you need to focus on and squash them. In the meantime, you say you don't go out on weekends, what things are you doing that makes more girls likely to notice you... or even make them aware of your existence?


As for your hair, get it professionally styled so it takes the attention away from your receding hair line. As a rule of thumb, once you've lost 1/3 of your hair, you should go for the shortest style you're comfortable with. Generally speaking, the longer your hair is, the more obvious it will be that you're losing it.

Surely if it's someone's innate personality type (like you mentioned) they aren't going to be able to do anything about it.
Original post by Anonymous #3
It's imported to learn how to aspire to be a Chad. I can give you some pointers:

1.

Look up Chad vs Wojak duality meme comics. You want to be the Chad, and not the Wojak!

2.

Look up Pickup Artist coaching courses. They're a lot of free ones on YouTube, but you can also pay for premium courses outside of YT ($300 a course). Basically they teach you to approach random women in a borderline intrusive (albeit legal) manner and in 99% of cases face instant rejection. But 1 in 100 of those women will accept your initial proposals. How awesome is that!?!

It's money well spent honestly. Source: trust me bro /s


Do this and the only date you'll get is Monday morning at 1000hrs at the local magistrates court on a harassment charge.

Paying $300 for a BS course that will only result in one out of every 100 encounters being successful , Great value for money 🙄
(edited 1 month ago)
Original post by Anonymous #4
Surely if it's someone's innate personality type (like you mentioned) they aren't going to be able to do anything about it.
I disagree.

I think there's always something you can do... if you're talking about the introvert / extrovert spectrum, it just means the introvert person would need to work harder and put more effort in... but there's nothing physically stopping them from doing something to help themselves. The late singer Prince was an introvert (he never gave interviews because he was too shy or something). However you'd never guess that from his stage performances.

In any case, that's not the point of my post. The objective of that for each person, the path to becoming truly self-confident is an individual and bespoke one. No one here can give you or the OP a definitive path that's guaranteed to work, but it's up to you or the individual to identify the root causes for anxiety or inferiority and work on tackling them.
Original post by Anonymous #1
My fixation with looks is probably linked to a traumatic period of my life: until I was 16/17 years old, I had a friend who was a model. You can already imagine how much it hurt to walk with him on the street… and I myself am not bad at all aesthetically (6’2 and I take care of my body, but I was still a kid at the time). So, I grew up with a friend who got looked and approached from girls every time we went out… and we both know ghat very very few guys get attention/approaches irl from girls, aesthetically speaking. I obviously didn't get any attention either in real life or on social media. Now I notice a few more glances, but that’s it.

So what are you doing to "unlearn" that? Have you considered counselling? or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy?

Going to the gym is fine, if you know for a fact that it's your looks or health / physique that's the problem... but from your other posts here, you've alluded to the fact you know it's not the issue (e.g. you said you're "decent" looking). but if you're only going because you read or heard somewhere that "it'll make you more confident", then you're basically chasing your tail.

As I said, you need to deal with the root cause, if you want to successfully and truly deal with your self-confidence issues. You're going to have to get your hands dirty and put some graft in; there are no "quick-fixes" here.

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