The Student Room Group

Am I an embarrassment?

So I have made a lot of mistakes and neglected a lot of things during my childhood and my family was lenient with me so not strict or anything so they did not push me to do certain of these things. I’m 21 years old and my past actions made it so that besides basics like washing dishes, sweeping the floor or hovering the house, I cannot do house chores like washing clothes , cooking , sewing etc can’t brush my hair properly or wash it yet and I feel like an embarrassment and my parents call me that way and I just feel very bad with myself and like a failure for neglecting myself this way . I have undergone periods of depression , it became a routine and habit for me to live this way and I know I can work and change it but it’s just very difficult for me to accept this part of myself .
Reply 1
Original post by Anonymous #1
So I have made a lot of mistakes and neglected a lot of things during my childhood and my family was lenient with me so not strict or anything so they did not push me to do certain of these things. I’m 21 years old and my past actions made it so that besides basics like washing dishes, sweeping the floor or hovering the house, I cannot do house chores like washing clothes , cooking , sewing etc can’t brush my hair properly or wash it yet and I feel like an embarrassment and my parents call me that way and I just feel very bad with myself and like a failure for neglecting myself this way . I have undergone periods of depression , it became a routine and habit for me to live this way and I know I can work and change it but it’s just very difficult for me to accept this part of myself .
I wouldn't say your an embarrassment. I think you are on a path and the first step in that path is accepting the fact that your parents spoiled you. That is a good start. Your parents are in part to blame, but at the age of 21, you are at the age of accountability. We live in a society in which people such as Nara Smith and Fit Waffles (check them out) make a living from cooking and cleaning etc. etc. Depression will only further exacerbate your current situation. I suggest you start with the basics

Hair: if you struggle to wash you hair I suggest you watch vdeos on youtube/tiktok there are many hair influencers these days

Cooking: start off easy (don't watch buzfeed or any of that nonsense- you're not at that stage), start with simple meals and nurture a love for cooking/ sustenance

Household chores: If you still live with your parents, i suggest you take an active role in teaching yourself to was dishes I say this as my parents' personal dishwasher- I save them loads on the electricity bill😭😭)

Finally don't get overwhelmed, yes you will burn some food, smash some dishes, prick yourself with a needle sometimes, but DON'T GIVE UP. Like I said, taking accountability is always the first step. Willingness to learn is the next

YOU'VE GOT THIS🙌
(do update us and ask us qs if you need to- who knows in a year's time I might see you on master chef)
Reply 2
Original post by Anonymous #1
So I have made a lot of mistakes and neglected a lot of things during my childhood and my family was lenient with me so not strict or anything so they did not push me to do certain of these things. I’m 21 years old and my past actions made it so that besides basics like washing dishes, sweeping the floor or hovering the house, I cannot do house chores like washing clothes , cooking , sewing etc can’t brush my hair properly or wash it yet and I feel like an embarrassment and my parents call me that way and I just feel very bad with myself and like a failure for neglecting myself this way . I have undergone periods of depression , it became a routine and habit for me to live this way and I know I can work and change it but it’s just very difficult for me to accept this part of myself .
No you are not an embarrassment. I am also about your age as well and I struggle with the same thing. My advice is that you don't have to do much to progress in life. So go little by little.

Here is some advice for the basics:

Washing hair: Wash it on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Get your hair wet first, apply shampoo first, rinse it, apply conditioner, and rinse it. As a matter of fact it is not good to wash it everyday. After you wash your hair you want to brush it. You shouldn't really brush your hair when it is dry(at least with my hair I don't)

Cooking: You don't have to cook anything advanced. You can just cook eggs. EX: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTha4zARGN4 Don't fret if you mess it up because everyone messes up cooking eggs.

Washing Dishes: Dish soap and a sponge. Just scrub away. If the stain won't scrub away then just soak it in water for a bit.

What I really want to leave you with is that everyone makes mistakes and when I get sad I also neglect myself. Don't be so hard on yourself because everyone else is imperfect too.
Original post by Anonymous #1
So I have made a lot of mistakes and neglected a lot of things during my childhood and my family was lenient with me so not strict or anything so they did not push me to do certain of these things. I’m 21 years old and my past actions made it so that besides basics like washing dishes, sweeping the floor or hovering the house, I cannot do house chores like washing clothes , cooking , sewing etc can’t brush my hair properly or wash it yet and I feel like an embarrassment and my parents call me that way and I just feel very bad with myself and like a failure for neglecting myself this way . I have undergone periods of depression , it became a routine and habit for me to live this way and I know I can work and change it but it’s just very difficult for me to accept this part of myself .
I’m an agoraphobic who also suffers from severe depression and anxiety and I can on going! My family treats me as they did my mom, who passed at a young age bc she had a drug problem. So my uncle (my moms brother) judges my mental health issues, and assumes I’m on drugs although I’ve never once tested positive for the random tests he has me take to try and prove to others. But I honestly do not do drugs. Marijuana is legal recreationally. I may do that once in a while but I don’t even drink socially. I was fine while I was caring for his father who had dementia, then my pop passed, and bc I was in the will, my uncle did things a certain way so that there was no money to give me. Yet he took money against his parents house in their names and lied about the reason why. And it was supposed to be a “loan”
But even my pop said “my son played me he collected his inheritance in advance” (that was before the dementia got bad.) so I went to talk to my uncle who I used to be talk to about anything- until he met the girl he is now with for 10 years and he went and did things and had my pop sign papers in the beginning of the dementia, anyway. Bc I asked them about what they were doing, it seemed really strange the way the whole thing was about money w them, and I actually was on the verge of homelessness due to the rising costs of rents. Also I had a tooth infection that went to my blood. And I needed help to pay for that, all things which I was promised prior to my pop even having dementia but I never felt comfortable taking his money. I always knew I was a beneficiary, so I just couldn’t think of me at that time. But. I had no clue that someone I totally trusted would take my mental health issues, and not only tell a ton of people my diagnoses, and I get SSDI. He tells people
I collect welfare. I don’t. I don’t care about anyone who does. No judgement but I do not bc my husband makes too much. But not enough for us to be “comfortable” unless we move to another state. Anyhow. Long story short, the whole family knows about my mental Health but they were given very inaccurate information. We can not help that this has happened. Anyone I’ve met in a situation like mine. Certainly doesn’t want it that way, they wanna go back to when they thought they were a just normal healthy person… and I get it. I wish I remote work would have been more available before covid I’d have kept working from home but back when I had to apply there was no work frk
Home jobs.
I have no more family, the ones I do washed their hands of me. Bc they think I’m a loser. I’m the black sheep. And I’m just getting used to it. Bc I wasn’t when my Pop was here but as soon as he died. Everyone acted like I didn’t stop my own life to care for him for the last 5 years.
It’s a horrible feeling but you’re not alone. And it’s not your fault. Do not listen to anyone saying it is. We can’t control our mental health issues. And unless they’ve been there. They have no clue how much it can truly affect one’s life. Best of luck to you. Sending tons of positive vibes that all works out well for you- bc nobody deserves being treated that way.
Original post by halfharry
I wouldn't say your an embarrassment. I think you are on a path and the first step in that path is accepting the fact that your parents spoiled you. That is a good start. Your parents are in part to blame, but at the age of 21, you are at the age of accountability. We live in a society in which people such as Nara Smith and Fit Waffles (check them out) make a living from cooking and cleaning etc. etc. Depression will only further exacerbate your current situation. I suggest you start with the basics

Hair: if you struggle to wash you hair I suggest you watch vdeos on youtube/tiktok there are many hair influencers these days

Cooking: start off easy (don't watch buzfeed or any of that nonsense- you're not at that stage), start with simple meals and nurture a love for cooking/ sustenance

Household chores: If you still live with your parents, i suggest you take an active role in teaching yourself to was dishes I say this as my parents' personal dishwasher- I save them loads on the electricity bill😭😭)

Finally don't get overwhelmed, yes you will burn some food, smash some dishes, prick yourself with a needle sometimes, but DON'T GIVE UP. Like I said, taking accountability is always the first step. Willingness to learn is the next

YOU'VE GOT THIS🙌
(do update us and ask us qs if you need to- who knows in a year's time I might see you on master chef)
very good advice
If it's something you can change, why do you need to accept it?
Original post by Anonymous #1
So I have made a lot of mistakes and neglected a lot of things during my childhood and my family was lenient with me so not strict or anything so they did not push me to do certain of these things. I’m 21 years old and my past actions made it so that besides basics like washing dishes, sweeping the floor or hovering the house, I cannot do house chores like washing clothes , cooking , sewing etc can’t brush my hair properly or wash it yet and I feel like an embarrassment and my parents call me that way and I just feel very bad with myself and like a failure for neglecting myself this way . I have undergone periods of depression , it became a routine and habit for me to live this way and I know I can work and change it but it’s just very difficult for me to accept this part of myself .


The first stage of recovery is realising where you may have gone wrong. I’ve been in therapy from 13-now (i’m 20) and i can say it’s really helped. If you find small tasks difficult, maybe make a list of the things you need to do that day and tick them all off so it feels like a reward when you’ve completed your list. I’ve struggled with depression a lot of my teenage life and one piece of advice i can give is that it’s okay to have bad days where you sit and do nothing and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed to do so. Start off small, there’s lots of videos on tiktok and youtube of how to do practically everything (cooking, cleaning, washing your hair, self care) and i would definitely recommend having a look at those for your first stop of recovering!! My boyfriend is 22 next month and when i met him last year he didn’t even know how to turn the oven on. After teaching him the basics of cooking he’s now able to make quite a few dishes on his own and i’m very proud of him. Maybe ask the people around you if they can cook with you, it’s better to do it with someone than try it on your own. Before i learnt to cook, i learnt to bake. Baking is easy and is just adding ingredients and cooking. So maybe find some baking recipes like brownies or cookies to start and then start your cooking journey from there. I learn to cook just by reading recipes, but if you struggle i do have some further advice. I’d say my boyfriend really improved his cooking by buying Gusto or HelloFresh boxes. They send all the ingredients and recipes in a box for the week and they are very easy to follow with pictures too!! I’d recommend finding an easy dish to make, like a pasta dish (the first dish i taught my boyfriend was fajita pasta. All you have to do is boil the pasta, cook the chicken, add the spices alongside some double cream and tomato paste and add whatever veg you like. After cooking this a few times he’s able to do it without my help and i’ve started coming home from work to him cooking dinner for me (which is such massive progress from where we started). For your mental health issues, speak to people, even if it’s on here or any social media. If you need, you can have my number or social media and we can talk about your problems or issues privately, it’s better to get it off your chest. Recovering from mental health is a slow process so don’t expect to recover straight away and don’t rush yourself. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. I hope your recovery journey goes well, and if you need to talk, i’ll give you my socials and we can chat:smile:)
Original post by Anonymous #1
So I have made a lot of mistakes and neglected a lot of things during my childhood and my family was lenient with me so not strict or anything so they did not push me to do certain of these things. I’m 21 years old and my past actions made it so that besides basics like washing dishes, sweeping the floor or hovering the house, I cannot do house chores like washing clothes , cooking , sewing etc can’t brush my hair properly or wash it yet and I feel like an embarrassment and my parents call me that way and I just feel very bad with myself and like a failure for neglecting myself this way . I have undergone periods of depression , it became a routine and habit for me to live this way and I know I can work and change it but it’s just very difficult for me to accept this part of myself .
You're definitely not an embarrassment! You've worked hard on other aspects on your life that you just haven't focused on these parts yet! You already know you can work and change - so go for it!
You're AMAZING! No matter what, through your hard work your parents will notice your commitment. Anyhow, from my perspective, I see an independent, strong individual who can do anything when they put their mind to it!
Goodluck with working on chores and self-care!

We'll be here to support you along the way.
Original post by Anonymous #1
So I have made a lot of mistakes and neglected a lot of things during my childhood and my family was lenient with me so not strict or anything so they did not push me to do certain of these things. I’m 21 years old and my past actions made it so that besides basics like washing dishes, sweeping the floor or hovering the house, I cannot do house chores like washing clothes , cooking , sewing etc can’t brush my hair properly or wash it yet and I feel like an embarrassment and my parents call me that way and I just feel very bad with myself and like a failure for neglecting myself this way . I have undergone periods of depression , it became a routine and habit for me to live this way and I know I can work and change it but it’s just very difficult for me to accept this part of myself .
Definitely not an embarrassment or a failure so please don't think that way!
It's a great step your taking to make this change and taking accountability for change too which is also one of the hardest steps initially.

Start of step by step and even if you make mistakes and if you feel yourself going back do not beat yourself up over this! You are learning.

Brushing hair- depends on your hair type and you can find many videos online on this. But generally start from the bottom to the top.
Washing hair- depends on how fast your hair gets greasy. If it's often I would recommend twice a week. But also many videos on this online.
Clothes- each washing machine has a manual or if really confused definitely online search too, clothes tags also say how you should wash it which is also online.
Cooking- start off with the most simple meals. Whether it be pasta etc ,it's totally fine. It takes a while to get the hang of it but you'll be impressed with your progress what you make as time goes on.
Sewing- videos can be also found online. And remember everyone starts from somewhere so it's okay to make mistakes!

Good luck and you got this!

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