The Student Room Group

Am I being overly punitive with not wanting to be friends anymore?

No longer a trio

So we are a trio that got close over the past 2 years. I’ve known my female best friend for almost 12 years and male best friend for like half of that or less. I didn’t get close to my guy best friend ( until like 3 years ago. He lives in the USA, and I live in the UK. We’d often be on the phone together, and it was from our many interactions that he got to know my Female best friend. Then we became a trio that would talk so often. Of many of the talks we had, one of them was advising my FBF about relationships. My FBF, she’s 23, and she’s never been in a relationship, however, she has had sex with a number of guys. Her constant dilemma is wanting a relationship out of these situationships. In the trio convos we have, myself and my MBF, will advice her on not letting it up to early, seeing as the same formula she has used hasn’t given her the results she was after. Basically holding off on sex with guys and getting to know them. I have personally told her that if a guy likes her, she wouldn’t have to second guess it. I have given her several advices based on my experiences and hers. My MBF is the oldest, 28, and my FBF, is 23. Seeing as my MBF, is older and has more idea on what guys think, I would often ask my FBF, to go to him for relationship advice I am not versed in. From there, I think my FBF, developed feelings for my MBF. I would often tease them about it, but my MBF, expressed he didn’t share the same feelings. My FBF, would often make remarks about him acting like he likes her, I tell her to not delude herself into thinking so, unless he comes out to say he infact likes her.
Many times, my FBF, will come to me saying how he would make some remarks to suggest my MBF might be into her. I try to let her down slowly, and tell her not to get her hopes up. I would then go to my MBF, and ask him to stop messing with her head.

Anyways, fast forward to our trip to visit my MBF. I have never physically met him before, but I decided to plan a trip to visit him in Feb 2024. It was initially gonna be 3 of us but my FBF, couldn’t afford it as she’d just moved and I needed to use my companion voucher before it expired. Later down the line, she was able to join the trip. So we booked a 2 bed hotel for all 3 of us to stay in.

Fast forward to the trip itself, we are now in the USA. I have now just found out that my MBF and FBF, had sex with each other, and it was my MBF, that came onto my FBF. They had supposedly made a pact not to let me find out. They did a terrible job at that, cause the night before they were barking at each other and the following morning they were more cordial. My FBF, and I were initially sharing a bed. But after the first night, she moved to his bed. A part of me knew they might hook up. But a part of me trusted that they wouldn’t, since I had had a convo with my GBF, the week before we travelled about him messing with my FBF feelings, knowing she likes him. I made it very clear that he had to cut it out and he acknowledged it. So when he messaged me they had had sex, my heart dropped. I was so disappointed in my FBF, cause she had once again done the very thing that would get her hurt again. I was betrayed by my GBF, cause he had betrayed my trust, after he promised he’d cut out him messing with her. The betrayal from him hurt so much more cause I fully trusted him, and believed in him to be mature and sensible enough to think as the oldest in the trio and not act like some teenager who thinks with his appendage.

As before mentioned, My MBF was the one who texted me they had had sex. He said it so casually thinking I’d be nonchalant about it. However, I quickly expressed to him how messed up it was. That he was doing the very thing we had both advised my FBF about. And I asked, does he want a relationship with her now having had sex with her, to which his response was a no. I asked if they had both talked about it, he said no. And I asked he does. They did talk, however, my FBF, isn’t very talkative and just let him do all the talking. Mind you, my FBF, still hasn’t come to tell me about the whole situation. I always tell her about mine and make her aware that she can come to me about this. So every morning, not being able to talk to either of them about how I’m feeling, I had a panic attack and would hide in the bathroom. Until 3 days before the end of the trip, I tried to hide in the bathroom. But they were both dying to use the toilet, so I had to quickly rinse my face, I didn’t do a good job of hiding my swollen, red eyes. They both were curious to know the reason for my crying, but I mentioned I was fine, and pushed it to me just being overwhelmed about being in a new environment and my health. My GBF, messaged me asking if I was okay and if I was upset with her. I again told her I was okay but I did need to speak to her. She asked that I met her in the bathroom cause that was the only place where I could privately speak to her. It was there I asked if she really did have sex with my GBF, she initially denied it. I asked again to which she then confessed and said they vowed they weren’t gonna mention it. Knowing her, I know it was more of him mentioning it and her agreeing, as she never expresses her feelings. I expressed my disappointment in her putting herself in such situation again, knowing how it leaves her heartbroken. I had to keep pushing to get something other than ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I don’t know how you want me to feel’ out of her. To which she then confessed that she thought it was mutual and she wasn’t expecting a relationship straight away, just a get to know each other thing. Then she mentioned again that they almost had sex again, I got so furious about this new info that I stormed out the bathroom to confront my GBF.

I had to let him know I was still mad at him even after our convo, that not only did he break my trust and betray me, he broke my heart. This was my guy best friend and for him to constantly navigate with his appendage was disappointing to observe. He expressed how my GBF had been the one throwing herself at him when I’m not around. And that it was her who suggested they had sex.

At this point, I don’t think or care to find out who had asked for them to have sex a second time. The hurt again from his part was that I had already told him off about it, and for him to continue to do the same thing. My GBF has her part in this, but she wasn’t the one I told a week ago to stop messing with someone’s feelings.

Once my FBF had finished in the shower, I gave her the floor to express herself, and my GBF as well. I expressed I didn’t have an issue with them having sex, it generally none of my business, it’s that they both hurt me in some type of way. More him than her. Cause he was someone I trusted and confided in. And this was just a massive blow to the face. We haven’t spoken in days since I returned.

Am I being punitive by not wanting to talk to my GBF, having returned from the trip and wanting to end the relationship? I just think I’ve done enough talking and I need time to reflect on this. Especially with the physical and mental toll it took on my body.
(edited 3 months ago)
so ur guy best friend broke his promise with u and (used?) ur girl best friend for sex. the girl is completely okay with it and is fine that its not a serious relationship, she just wanted sex. and the guy didnt let his promise with u stop him from having sex which he probably wanted.

is the above correct?

ur promise with ur guy best friend came from a place of care for ur girl best friend thinking that ur GBF doesnt like ur FBF. but it turns out he does, so the promise doesnt make much sense anymore.

i personally dont agree with the western culture of casual sex. if ur best friends think its okay tho, then the issue is u see it as a bigger deal then they see it?
Reply 2
Original post by Anonymous #1
so ur guy best friend broke his promise with u and (used?) ur girl best friend for sex. the girl is completely okay with it and is fine that its not a serious relationship, she just wanted sex. and the guy didnt let his promise with u stop him from having sex which he probably wanted.
is the above correct?
ur promise with ur guy best friend came from a place of care for ur girl best friend thinking that ur GBF doesnt like ur FBF. but it turns out he does, so the promise doesnt make much sense anymore.
i personally dont agree with the western culture of casual sex. if ur best friends think its okay tho, then the issue is u see it as a bigger deal then they see it?
My Girl BF isn’t okay with it. After having processed it, she told me she thought they both liked each other. But my guy bf on the other end saw it as a casual fling. His words ‘I felt the sex needed to happen’. Some BS excuse. My friend is torn which is what I was trying to avoid. And he pretty much just used her for his own satisfaction and she’s his close friend as well. Sex will always complicate things. I also hate casual sex culture.
Original post by Sheric
My Girl BF isn’t okay with it. After having processed it, she told me she thought they both liked each other. But my guy bf on the other end saw it as a casual fling. His words ‘I felt the sex needed to happen’. Some BS excuse. My friend is torn which is what I was trying to avoid. And he pretty much just used her for his own satisfaction and she’s his close friend as well. Sex will always complicate things. I also hate casual sex culture.


are u mad that ur guy best friend is becoming a degenerate, hypocritical, immature, horny driven man, who you would normally stay away from?

or

r u okay with his antics and lack of morality, but mad cus it was personal to u cus he did it to a person u care abt? (he can continue to **** other gal casually as long as it doesnt affect u)
Reply 4
Original post by ismaelishere
are u mad that ur guy best friend is becoming a degenerate, hypocritical, immature, horny driven man, who you would normally stay away from?
or
r u okay with his antics and lack of morality, but mad cus it was personal to u cus he did it to a person u care abt? (he can continue to **** other gal casually as long as it doesnt affect u)
It’s both. I have told him off about his antics with other girls but with this I had set a clear boundary with. He’s all those things you said. This was my first time physically meeting him as well, as well as my girl bf. So it’s just very telling of the type of person he is. Since the year started, he had started to rub me off the wrong way, so I guess I should have just listened to my instincts. But the trip was already booked. My dilemma is if I’m being too cruel with airing him since I returned or if I should talk to him.
Original post by Sheric
It’s both. I have told him off about his antics with other girls but with this I had set a clear boundary with. He’s all those things you said. This was my first time physically meeting him as well, as well as my girl bf. So it’s just very telling of the type of person he is. Since the year started, he had started to rub me off the wrong way, so I guess I should have just listened to my instincts. But the trip was already booked. My dilemma is if I’m being too cruel with airing him since I returned or if I should talk to him.


u arent being too cruel imo, u told him why u dont like what he did so he should understand.

if u want to continue being friends with this guy despite him not being the best person to be friends with, ur gonna have to start talking with him and start sorting stuff out.
Reply 6
Original post by Anonymous #1
u arent being too cruel imo, u told him why u dont like what he did so he should understand.
if u want to continue being friends with this guy despite him not being the best person to be friends with, ur gonna have to start talking with him and start sorting stuff out.
Thank you so much for helping me with this. My head was just going round in circles with this. I don’t think our relationship will be as close as it used to be if we go back to being friends. He’ll probably just be one of them ones you talk to once a year.
Original post by Sheric
Thank you so much for helping me with this. My head was just going round in circles with this. I don’t think our relationship will be as close as it used to be if we go back to being friends. He’ll probably just be one of them ones you talk to once a year.


ye, i get u

u two dont seem too compatible. its like a priest and a satanist. the best type of friends are those who make you into better people, not drag you down into not trusting ur own best friend and other toxic calamities. u want quality men as friends if possible.

this reminds me of the quote "you are the average of all of ur friends".

this is honestly a reminder of why degeneracy is bad and leads to bad, and moral integrity leads to good in the end. thx i can defo learn from this experience too. i dont mind improving haha.
Reply 8
Original post by Anonymous #1
ye, i get u
u two dont seem too compatible. its like a priest and a satanist. the best type of friends are those who make you into better people, not drag you down into not trusting ur own best friend and other toxic calamities. u want quality men as friends if possible.
this reminds me of the quote "you are the average of all of ur friends".
this is honestly a reminder of why degeneracy is bad and leads to bad, and moral integrity leads to good in the end. thx i can defo learn from this experience too. i dont mind improving haha.
Nah, you’re a star. And I’m glad you’re able to also take something away from this. You’ve given me needed clarity.

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