The Student Room Group

I feel broken as my relationship is ending

I’ve been with my boyfriend for around a year and a half. I’ve shared amazing memories with him and I’ve learnt so much whilst being with him. I’ve known him for half of my life, but he only came back into my life last year after years of not seeing each other. At the beginning of the relationship, every ran smoothly and we had loads of fun. We even have had good times recently. He can be very generous and shows great affection. I am the same back and I have always gone above and beyond for him as I truly love him. He was a breath of fresh air after my first relationship (which was very bad). We first had our first argument quite early on in the relationship, but we talked it through and so on. We gradually started having more and they got worse. He said he wanted to break up many times and he would have a huge mental breakdown every time. We both act very differently in an argument- I want to resolve straight away and talk it over but he wants space. I get that he wants space, but there have been times when we’ve argued and we needed to just sort it quickly. A lot of the arguments we’ve had have been over very minor things, but then they escalate. Some things have a deeper meaning. I’ve felt incredibly sad every time and I feel like the best thing in my life is is being taken away from me. Arguments usually stem from me saying I don’t like something he has done or how he has acted. A few months ago we essentially moved in together (it’s his place, but I stay a lot of the time) and things were going great. We barely argued and he told me how much he loved me and that it’s the happiest he’s ever felt. He said how he wants us to grow old together. We had a few arguments after the first month or so. I’ve been staying at his place, but I have been paying my way and doing stuff around the place too. I do a lot for him and i like doing it because it’s my way of showing love. The night before last, I had just finished a 10 hour work shift, yet I still wanted to check up on him and asked if he wanted a lift home as he had been out all day at an event. He gave very blunt replies when I asked if he wanted a lift, which i thought was rude. I later found out that he was replying like that because his friend was sitting next to him on a very busy train and my bf didn’t want me to give his friend a lift too because he knew that his friend would ask if I picked my bf up. He wanted to get up really early the next morning, so he wanted to go home. He told me this after he left his friend at the station and then he asked me if I could pick him up. I was annoyed as he was still being blunt and impolite. All it took was simple manners and a bit of gratitude, as after all I was going out of my way to pick him up. He usually is polite but at the time he wasn’t. I just didn’t like it. I still went to go and pick him up and when he got in the car, I mentioned how I didn’t like it. Then he got so angry and started saying how I was ruining his day and that I always complain. If I ever do ‘complain’ I say it in a calm voice and I do it politely, yet he hates it so much. This is the the case in every argument. It’s been a whole day and a half and he’s saying how he wants to break up and all simply because of that one argument. How can he go from saying he loves me a few days ago to this?? It has happened in the past, and I’ve thought it was the end, but then he slowly comes out and apologises for being rude and he says he only says mean things because he’s angry and that he does actually love me. It really hurts and I feel broken.
Reply 1
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a challenging time in your relationship. It sounds like you've invested a lot of love, effort, and care into this relationship, and it's understandable that you're feeling hurt and confused by the sudden shifts in your boyfriend's behavior and emotions. Relationships can be complex, and arguments can bring out different sides of people, making communication and understanding even more crucial.

It's important to remember that every individual has their own ways of coping with stress, frustration, and conflict. People react differently in arguments, and sometimes, emotions can escalate quickly, causing hurtful words to be exchanged. However, it's also important to maintain healthy communication and respect, even in the midst of disagreements.

From your description, it seems like there might be some communication and emotional management issues that are contributing to the escalating arguments.

Remember that relationships require effort and commitment from both parties. It's essential for both of you to be willing to address your individual shortcomings and work towards building a healthier dynamic. Keep in mind that change takes time, and both of you need to be patient with each other as you navigate these challenges.

Lastly, prioritize your own well-being and mental health. It's okay to seek support from friends, family, or professionals if you're feeling overwhelmed by the situation. Your emotions are valid, and taking care of yourself is essential in any relationship.
Original post by Anonymous
I’ve been with my boyfriend for around a year and a half. I’ve shared amazing memories with him and I’ve learnt so much whilst being with him. I’ve known him for half of my life, but he only came back into my life last year after years of not seeing each other. At the beginning of the relationship, every ran smoothly and we had loads of fun. We even have had good times recently. He can be very generous and shows great affection. I am the same back and I have always gone above and beyond for him as I truly love him. He was a breath of fresh air after my first relationship (which was very bad). We first had our first argument quite early on in the relationship, but we talked it through and so on. We gradually started having more and they got worse. He said he wanted to break up many times and he would have a huge mental breakdown every time. We both act very differently in an argument- I want to resolve straight away and talk it over but he wants space. I get that he wants space, but there have been times when we’ve argued and we needed to just sort it quickly. A lot of the arguments we’ve had have been over very minor things, but then they escalate. Some things have a deeper meaning. I’ve felt incredibly sad every time and I feel like the best thing in my life is is being taken away from me. Arguments usually stem from me saying I don’t like something he has done or how he has acted. A few months ago we essentially moved in together (it’s his place, but I stay a lot of the time) and things were going great. We barely argued and he told me how much he loved me and that it’s the happiest he’s ever felt. He said how he wants us to grow old together. We had a few arguments after the first month or so. I’ve been staying at his place, but I have been paying my way and doing stuff around the place too. I do a lot for him and i like doing it because it’s my way of showing love. The night before last, I had just finished a 10 hour work shift, yet I still wanted to check up on him and asked if he wanted a lift home as he had been out all day at an event. He gave very blunt replies when I asked if he wanted a lift, which i thought was rude. I later found out that he was replying like that because his friend was sitting next to him on a very busy train and my bf didn’t want me to give his friend a lift too because he knew that his friend would ask if I picked my bf up. He wanted to get up really early the next morning, so he wanted to go home. He told me this after he left his friend at the station and then he asked me if I could pick him up. I was annoyed as he was still being blunt and impolite. All it took was simple manners and a bit of gratitude, as after all I was going out of my way to pick him up. He usually is polite but at the time he wasn’t. I just didn’t like it. I still went to go and pick him up and when he got in the car, I mentioned how I didn’t like it. Then he got so angry and started saying how I was ruining his day and that I always complain. If I ever do ‘complain’ I say it in a calm voice and I do it politely, yet he hates it so much. This is the the case in every argument. It’s been a whole day and a half and he’s saying how he wants to break up and all simply because of that one argument. How can he go from saying he loves me a few days ago to this?? It has happened in the past, and I’ve thought it was the end, but then he slowly comes out and apologises for being rude and he says he only says mean things because he’s angry and that he does actually love me. It really hurts and I feel broken.
Love is great. But it's not enough for a happy long term relationship.

The 2 of you are incompatible in how you resolve conflict. You therefore have zero chance of a long term happy relationship with him.
Breaking up now is the best thing to do. So that you both have your freedom.

Next time you get involved with someone try to make sure you're compatible in how you resolve conflict.
There's a couple of types of guys that you would work well with.
1 A don't sweat the small stuff guy. The sort of man that keeps things light and doesn't get bothered by small things. The sort of man that doesn't take himself or his life too seriously. The sort of man that will defuse your stresses and anxieties, usually by him looking to change your mood, not your mind. At the same time, this guy isn't some sort of hippy drop-out. He tackles the big things in his life with enthusiasm.
2 The here and now, let's get this over with type of guy. The sort of man that talks things over right away, the same as you. And who is also good at keeping things in perspective and not making mountains out of molehills.

The sort of woman that would be compatible with your hyper boyfriend would be either the female equivalent of 1, or an ultra submissive woman.

Something for you to work on is your overly negative mindset. Try to be more positive. Try to throw off all that social conditioning you had in secondary school where it was cool to be negative and cynical. It's a much better inner life philosophy to focus on the positives and the neutral stuff. And to treat today's negative stuff as tomorrow's amusing anecdote.
Reply 3
Original post by ashwin007
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a challenging time in your relationship. It sounds like you've invested a lot of love, effort, and care into this relationship, and it's understandable that you're feeling hurt and confused by the sudden shifts in your boyfriend's behavior and emotions. Relationships can be complex, and arguments can bring out different sides of people, making communication and understanding even more crucial.

It's important to remember that every individual has their own ways of coping with stress, frustration, and conflict. People react differently in arguments, and sometimes, emotions can escalate quickly, causing hurtful words to be exchanged. However, it's also important to maintain healthy communication and respect, even in the midst of disagreements.

From your description, it seems like there might be some communication and emotional management issues that are contributing to the escalating arguments.

Remember that relationships require effort and commitment from both parties. It's essential for both of you to be willing to address your individual shortcomings and work towards building a healthier dynamic. Keep in mind that change takes time, and both of you need to be patient with each other as you navigate these challenges.

Lastly, prioritize your own well-being and mental health. It's okay to seek support from friends, family, or professionals if you're feeling overwhelmed by the situation. Your emotions are valid, and taking care of yourself is essential in any relationship.


Thank you for your response and taking the time to reply. I agree with what you’re saying. It’s such a hard thing to go through when I care so much
Reply 4
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
Love is great. But it's not enough for a happy long term relationship.

The 2 of you are incompatible in how you resolve conflict. You therefore have zero chance of a long term happy relationship with him.
Breaking up now is the best thing to do. So that you both have your freedom.

Next time you get involved with someone try to make sure you're compatible in how you resolve conflict.
There's a couple of types of guys that you would work well with.
1 A don't sweat the small stuff guy. The sort of man that keeps things light and doesn't get bothered by small things. The sort of man that doesn't take himself or his life too seriously. The sort of man that will defuse your stresses and anxieties, usually by him looking to change your mood, not your mind. At the same time, this guy isn't some sort of hippy drop-out. He tackles the big things in his life with enthusiasm.
2 The here and now, let's get this over with type of guy. The sort of man that talks things over right away, the same as you. And who is also good at keeping things in perspective and not making mountains out of molehills.

The sort of woman that would be compatible with your hyper boyfriend would be either the female equivalent of 1, or an ultra submissive woman.

Something for you to work on is your overly negative mindset. Try to be more positive. Try to throw off all that social conditioning you had in secondary school where it was cool to be negative and cynical. It's a much better inner life philosophy to focus on the positives and the neutral stuff. And to treat today's negative stuff as tomorrow's amusing anecdote.


Thank you for replying and being honest. You can’t really say I have an overly negative mind set though? Especially when I haven’t given tonnes of detail. I am actually pretty positive person and a lot of people who know me have told me how kind and caring I am. I’ve never thought it was cold to be cynical and negative. But I am going through a tough time so of course I’m going to be down about it. There is nothing wrong with expressing your feelings when you’re frustrated. He’s always thought I’ve brought things up to start an argument- which is 100% not the case. I’ve only ever done it to hopefully change things. Of course you can’t make someone change, but when you supposedly love someone, making small changes in your behaviour shouldn’t be a big deal
Reply 5
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you for replying and being honest. You can’t really say I have an overly negative mind set though? Especially when I haven’t given tonnes of detail. I am actually pretty positive person and a lot of people who know me have told me how kind and caring I am. I’ve never thought it was cold to be cynical and negative. But I am going through a tough time so of course I’m going to be down about it. There is nothing wrong with expressing your feelings when you’re frustrated. He’s always thought I’ve brought things up to start an argument- which is 100% not the case. I’ve only ever done it to hopefully change things. Of course you can’t make someone change, but when you supposedly love someone, making small changes in your behaviour shouldn’t be a big deal


*cool to be cynical and negative
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you for replying and being honest. You can’t really say I have an overly negative mind set though?

From the opening post:

A lot of the arguments we’ve had have been over very minor things, but then they escalate.
You're arguing over minor things. With a more positive mindset as soon as an argument broke out you'd defuse it with some humour instead of getting embroiled in another time and emotional energy wasting argument.

I’ve felt incredibly sad every time and I feel like the best thing in my life is is being taken away from me.
Do you have your mental and physical health? Do you have a good self esteem? Do you have the expectation that good things will happen in the future? If you do, you have all that you need to feel content or happy. Every argument shouldn't make you feel sad. They should either make you feel motivated to leave him and get yourself a better guy. Or some of them should make you feel upset, but a lot of them should be "Meh! Another argument with him. It's what I expected from him today. What dressing will go best with the salad I'm making tonight? (or some other productive thought where you get on with your life)"

Arguments usually stem from me saying I don’t like something he has done or how he has acted.
That's you being negative when you say you don't like something. We're all human and nobody's perfect. So it's OK to say you don't like something he has done once every 3 months. But it sounds like you're doing it more often than that. Which is you being overly negative.
As soon as you find yourself dwelling on something negative about him, shift your focus to something more positive instead. Use the logical half of your brain to over-ride the emotional half, until it becomes an ingrained habit.

I was annoyed as he was still being blunt and impolite.
You being annoyed is you being in one of the "lower" emotional states. Aim to make it so that bluntness, moodiness, rudeness from any boyfriend of yours is like water off a duck's back. Make it so that no boyfriend can conquer your reactions. As soon as he can act in a certain way and put you in a certain undesirable emotional state, he's conquered your reactions.

I still went to go and pick him up and when he got in the car, I mentioned how I didn’t like it.
You mentioning it was you being overly negative. Any journey where you and the car get there intact is a good one. Why break the good moment with negativity?

Then he got so angry and started saying how I was ruining his day and that I always complain.
Hyperbole from your boyfriend. However his perception is that you are complaining too much.

It’s been a whole day and a half and he’s saying how he wants to break up and all simply because of that one argument.
Him talking about breaking up is a sign that he's fed up with the negativity and the arguments.

It really hurts and I feel broken.
If you had a more positive mindset you wouldn't feel really hurt and broken now. You'd feel disappointed that it turned out that you and your boyfriend are incompatible and a chunk of your mind would feel excited, enthusiastic, delighted about you getting your freedom back.
Reply 7
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
From the opening post:

A lot of the arguments we’ve had have been over very minor things, but then they escalate.
You're arguing over minor things. With a more positive mindset as soon as an argument broke out you'd defuse it with some humour instead of getting embroiled in another time and emotional energy wasting argument.

I’ve felt incredibly sad every time and I feel like the best thing in my life is is being taken away from me.
Do you have your mental and physical health? Do you have a good self esteem? Do you have the expectation that good things will happen in the future? If you do, you have all that you need to feel content or happy. Every argument shouldn't make you feel sad. They should either make you feel motivated to leave him and get yourself a better guy. Or some of them should make you feel upset, but a lot of them should be "Meh! Another argument with him. It's what I expected from him today. What dressing will go best with the salad I'm making tonight? (or some other productive thought where you get on with your life)"

Arguments usually stem from me saying I don’t like something he has done or how he has acted.
That's you being negative when you say you don't like something. We're all human and nobody's perfect. So it's OK to say you don't like something he has done once every 3 months. But it sounds like you're doing it more often than that. Which is you being overly negative.
As soon as you find yourself dwelling on something negative about him, shift your focus to something more positive instead. Use the logical half of your brain to over-ride the emotional half, until it becomes an ingrained habit.

I was annoyed as he was still being blunt and impolite.
You being annoyed is you being in one of the "lower" emotional states. Aim to make it so that bluntness, moodiness, rudeness from any boyfriend of yours is like water off a duck's back. Make it so that no boyfriend can conquer your reactions. As soon as he can act in a certain way and put you in a certain undesirable emotional state, he's conquered your reactions.

I still went to go and pick him up and when he got in the car, I mentioned how I didn’t like it.
You mentioning it was you being overly negative. Any journey where you and the car get there intact is a good one. Why break the good moment with negativity?

Then he got so angry and started saying how I was ruining his day and that I always complain.
Hyperbole from your boyfriend. However his perception is that you are complaining too much.

It’s been a whole day and a half and he’s saying how he wants to break up and all simply because of that one argument.
Him talking about breaking up is a sign that he's fed up with the negativity and the arguments.

It really hurts and I feel broken.
If you had a more positive mindset you wouldn't feel really hurt and broken now. You'd feel disappointed that it turned out that you and your boyfriend are incompatible and a chunk of your mind would feel excited, enthusiastic, delighted about you getting your freedom back.


How many relationships have you been in?
Original post by Anonymous
How many relationships have you been in?


I'm not sure if it's "not enough", or "too many". :flowers:

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