Hi everyone, I've decided to delete most of my posts here, because I've realised that academics no-longer mean anything for me.
They were a distraction to all the trauma I was dealing with.
Oxford:
I lied to myself over, and over again that I would be happy only at Oxford. In reality I was just scared of being alone again, and I have very good and kind friends that I miss dearly that go there, which was the main reason why I wanted to go in the first place.
I loved my second interview, because I loved talking about chemistry, learning with kind and supportive teachers. It felt like a dream come true. It was everything that I had wanted back then in a university.
One of the interviewers in my first interview inferred I was stupid and didn't even know the A level. The other interviewer didn't listen when I told him that I was struggling to keep up with how fast he was talking. I cried after my first interview, and you know, people would say toughen up, deal with it. But the reality is, there can and very well be an oppressive or 'bad' environment at Oxford, and your tutors can very well make a difference, as much as people don't want to admit it. It's not all about teachability, or academic ability, but also how much the tutor likes you from that hour's interaction.
Now I'm aware there are people on this platform who'll defend Oxford till the bitter end, call anyone who disagrees with their opinion stupid or worse. I've tried to offer advice on some things, and if they were to disagree with it, passive aggressive comments incoming, bet! I forgive you, I'm not looking to fight anyone here. I'm just pointing out the environment of this platform, and why I no-longer wish to participate actively here.
Health:
I was working 5-8 hours daily. I was putting studying over my health. I'd feel sick, weak, nausea and so many health issues as a consequence of this obsession over studying... to cope! I have a mal-formed tailbone, and flat feet. Just by sitting down normally, my tail bone became inflamed, and I would still study under chronic pain, in my feet, legs and tail-bone, even if I were to alternate between sitting down and standing. I've become more short-sighted, dry-eyes, so much so that my eyes were red and I could barely keep them open, visual snow and floaters worse than ever, all for the purpose of studying. I was mentally destroyed as well as a consequence of everything.
It took me to the point, where I could barely get up from bed because I was so sick, that I knew that I could not continue like this.
Walking forward:
I was a broken and lost person, but now I've found purpose in life with God, and I go where he wants me to go, and I live the life of how he wants me to live, I will no-longer avoid my calling in life and keep running away. He's calling me to live a healthier life, one where I don't put my health, both mental and physical, over studying.
I don't care if I end up getting 3Us at A level. I don't even think that I'll be able to get the grades for Oxford alone to reapply. You can call me stupid, whatever, and that I would've never survived Oxford if I did end up going there. But in all truth and honesty, I don't believe the purpose in life is academic success. One may be blinded by such things, and dream to go to Oxford, and spend their entire lives chasing after this belief that it'll bring you satisfaction or happiness. But nothing in this world can satisfy that apart from God. Even, family, friends, simply being kind, honest and loving are greater things than chasing money and or academic validation.